When I was little I memorized the way my mom would spell out our last name to people over the phone. Ready?
“B as in boy, R – A – N, S as in Sam, F as in Frank, O-R-D. BransFORD.”
My sister has a variation that emphasizes the SF in the middle, which is more comprehensible when you separate it out into BRAN – SF – ORD.
All of this is to say I know I have an uncommon last name that is a bit of a mouthful, and I don’t get up in arms when people misspell it in a query and I certainly never reject anyone for it. At least they’re in the ballpark (and below you’ll see why I’ll take a misspelling over some of the other results).
I thought it might be an interesting insight into the old inbox to show the rather incredible variety of ways people address me in a query. So I kept track for a week, and here’s the result.
Behold! Query salutations. During the past week I received 258 queries and requested 3 partials (all addressed properly).
Number of queries addressed to:
Satisfactory:
Mr. Bransford: 124
Nathan: 33
Nathan Bransford: 29
Mr. Nathan Bransford: 10
Nathan Bransford, Literary Agent: 2
Total: 198
Not so much:
(Blank): 41
To Whom It May Concern: 3
Bransford: 1
Nate B.: 1
Literary Agent: 1
Literary Agency: 1
Editor: 1
Agent Nathan: 1
Mr. Branford: 1
Mr. Bradford: 1
Chris: 1
Vicky Bijur: 1
Martha Bransford: 1
Ms. Bransford: 3
Curtis Brown: 1
Mr. Brown: 1
Total: 60
I fully understand that mistakes happen, and I want to emphasize again that I don’t reject anyone solely because they messed up the salutation. But this is really the absolute easiest thing to get right in the query, and it’s a tad eye-opening that 23% missed the mark.
WhisperingWriter says
The Martha one made me giggle.
Before I sent a query I re-read the thing like 10 times to make sure everything is good to go. Once I nearly sent a query with Dear (Blank) because I usually imput the name right before I send. Thank goodness I figured it out. That would have been embarrassing.
T. Anne says
Oh wow, I like the, Nate B. I thought that was catchy. You may never be Nathan to me again.
My husbands last name is a phonetic nightmare. I too have to resort to your mother's style of spelling. It takes a little longer but cuts back on confusion.
Sherrie H. says
I really wish my keyboard had a 'Recall/DON'T SEND' button on it.
(big sigh…)
Rebecca Mahoney says
I am still so, so sorry about the Ms. Bransford thing. But at least now I never query while brain-dead.
Martha Bransford, though… how does that happen?
James says
The hive mind has spoken. You must change your name to Agent Nathan.
Nathan Bransford says
rebecca-
If you've done that really no worries, it happens to quite a few people, I'm bad about this stuff myself and I don't take it too seriously as you can see!
Teresa says
Vicky Bijur?? Actually, that's kind of a cool name. Nate B. sounds like you're a member of a recovery group (Agents Anonymous?).
Really, Nathan, you should be grateful. You could be stuck with a moniker like "Frohock." Would you like to know the variations of that name?
Frohawk, Fruhawk, Frohuck (which looks slightly obscene to me), and my personal favorite: Fruehause (complete with an umlaut over the u). And those are just the misspellings. The pronunciations would curl your ear hairs.
Honestly, Vicki, it could be much worse. ;-D
That was a fun post, Nathan, thanks for an afternoon laugh.
Katy says
This is amazing.
Laur says
hey, I'm surprised there weren't any Bradshaws (as in Carrie Bradshaw haha) in the list!
Stephanie says
Too funny!!! It has never ever occurred to me to address a query other than Mr./Ms. and their last name. This is a formal business letter…and IMHO, there is no other way too address it!
Holly says
That guy Curtis Brown keeps popping up. I mean, I hope he's easy to get along with in the office, keeps up with the sports scores, that kind of stuff.
Mira says
Ha! These are funny. I started laughing at Chris and kept going.
Although, frankly, I'm also alittle disappointed. So little true creativity. Where are the really good names?
Mister Agent Man
Brandy Ford
O' Magnificence
Snookums
Sire
Hey You
Not even a: To Sir or Madam. C'mon writers, we have to try harder!
Magdalena Munro says
What a timely post! I received a cover letter from a candidate today addressed to Dear Sirs. Plural. As though there are a bunch of dudes sitting in a circle reading their resume.
Has anyone called you Ma'am Bransford? Wait…what exactly is the plural of Ma'am. Ma'ams? Maams? Back to work. Thanks for the post and I'm glad we're back on track with being nice and jovial as a group.
Chazley Dotson says
Oh my gosh, too funny. Nate B made me laugh out loud, and I agree with Kathryn – Agent Nathan does sound like some sort of secret agent. I think you should adopt that as your new query name.
From the other side, I get an alarming number of query replies addressed to Mr. Dotson. I know that Chazley is a weird name, but it's not inherently masculine! I even slyly mention my husband in the letter. Maybe I should start signing my letters "Mrs. Dotson."
Joanna says
Well Nathan Bransford, I can truly sympathize. Whenever you are feeling that you have a loo-loo of a monicker, think of me. My name is Joanna van der Gracht de Rosado. (Note how my already difficult surname is comprised of three words and the first and second are not capitalized…) On top of this, I live in Mexico where a woman takes on her husband's name too. You would NOT believe the versions I have received! So, take heart… it could be a LOT worse.
Locusts and Wild Honey says
That's it. I'm going to call you Vicky Bijur at home.
Vicky Bijur, can you feed the Chihuahua?
Vicky Bijur, do you want to go on a date this Friday?
Vicky Bijur, do I look fat in this dress?
Deniz Bevan says
Vicky Bijur?!?! At leas Bijou would have been interesting – in an alter ego, Parisian femme fatale kind of way…
Kay says
Personally, I like "Nate B." I'm surprised you haven't received any addressed to "Nate Dawg."
When I'm randomly talking to people I've met on your forums, I just say "NB." They never misunderstand who I'm talking about. Must be pretty cool to be recognizable by initials only.
K
Margo Gremmler says
"Vicky Bijur" made me laugh out loud. Quite the misspelling. 😉
People always want me to be more French (as in "Gremmier"), because an "L" cannot POSSIBLY follow a double-M.
Thanks for the laugh. I'm sure for you (Yo, Dawg) it's funnier on some days than others. 🙂
Tara says
I'd honestly be delighted to be addressed as Agent Nathan, and I'm a girl named Tara. I'm pretty sure it's awesome.
sonia says
Agent Nathan is funny! lol Martha Bransford is just wrong.
Nancy Coffelt says
I have an unusual last name, and because of the effs it's hard to spell over the phone unless you do this: C-O -FF, as in French fry, E-L-T, as in Tom.
Haven't gotten a Cosselt or Coflet in years because of that trick…
Deniz Bevan says
People usually spell my name correctly, but if it's over email or mail, they usually assume I'm a guy 🙁 I guess Deniz looks a lot like Denis, but it gets really frustrating…
Amanda Sablan says
Who would honestly think your name is MARTHA Bransford? xD
Karen says
This made me think of the Phil Hartman scene from So I Married an Axe Murderer: "My name is Nathan Bransford. People here call me Vicky."
Kristi Helvig says
This post is one of the many reasons I love this blog! Thanks, Martha. 🙂
Sommer says
Haha! I can't even imagine sending some of these!
Although I have to be honest. I think Nate B. is kind of awesome.
Claire Dawn says
Oh, Martha! I love it! 🙂
Rick Daley says
What the heck, no one calls you Nate Dog anymore?
Sharon K. Mayhew says
None were addressed to Nate the Great?
Actually, I'm very surprised by all the variations. I've wondered when I've sent something to a female editor how to address it if I've spent time googling and can't figure out if she is a Miss or a Mrs. I've sent them to Ms. if I'm not positive of their marital status. I've never addressed anyone by their first name unless I have met them or had personal communications with them.
Nick says
At least Mr Branford and Ms Bransford were kind of close, I guess.
Also, would it be insta-fail to say something along the lines of "Yo Mister Agent Person Dude"? I happen to enjoy YMAPD (maybe not (or maybe really (not))).
Becca says
I get similar name problems too. For some reason, Rebecca is apparently the hardest name to spell because I've gotten every variation possible, and then my last name is worse, and it's only four letters!
Melissa Gill says
So should we call you Martha or Vicki from now on?
wendy says
Speaking of not casting stones, I once queried you about a query beginnng with, 'Hi, Nathan'. After this illustrious start, I was too embarrassed to try again. *g*
Mike says
Nathan:
Please, what is the official moniker of agents (or at least the safest rout)"?
Adam Heine says
Chris made me laugh. Vicky Bijur made me spit rice on my screen. Thanks a lot, Martha.
Remilda Graystone says
This was too funny.
Tracy says
Personally, I like "Agent Nathan" … it sounds very Mission Impossible!
Claudie says
Martha Bransford… Really? Where did they get that one from? It made me laugh (then again, it's getting late here, and I laugh at everything!)
Nathalie says
Vicky Bijur, another agent, cut and paste oversight, yes? I do like Nate B, that makes me laugh. When people I've just met shorten my name to Nat, it kind of bugs me – hate to say it, but it's the truth. So good you're relaxed about this,Martha…
kalincasey says
Vicky Bijur made me laugh until I realized it was a cut and paste thing. It was funnier when I thought it was made up. Martha is a hoot, as well.
Nathan, I don't think your name is weird at all. Or hard to spell.
Mine is hyphenated, which is my own fault, I admit. But hyphens do really weird things to people. They can look right at my driver's license and still not get the name, spelling, or my place in the alphabet right.
Trading Plan Template says
LOL! You, agents, must really be having fun not having fun at all.
Kristin Laughtin says
Some of those are quite hilarious from an outside perspective, at least.
Anyway, offering solidarity, as I too have an oddly-spelled last name (and one that very few pronounce correctly the first time they say it).
pensees says
Great post, Nate Dogg.
Yo, Mr. B! works for me, too.
ali says
Oh my gosh these totally crack me up. In some weird way they make me feel better about myself. Thanks Mr. B.!
Lucy says
Magdalena Munro said…
Wait…what exactly is the plural of Ma'am. Ma'ams? Maams?
June 22, 2010 3:21 PM
Mesdames. Yes, I know that looks strange, but it is indeed the plural. Actually it's the plural of Madam, or Madame, since you can't pluralize the contraction "Ma'am."
🙂
And yes, "Martha" was priceless. I hope that was a cut-and-paste accident, which is more understandable than anything else. Ooh, ouchie.
Margaret says
"Martha Bransford" sounds like a salad dressing.
I'm surprised just "Nathan" is acceptable. Query letters are business letters, after all, so it seems like a last name would be in order.
Nic says
Liberty my dad gets misspelled letters all the time – in fact his nickname is due to a teacher not reading his name right.
His real name is Simon but a teacher saw SMM and read out Sam and that name stuck. Very few people actually know what my dad's actual name is. Some letters come to him addressed as Samuel, which is logical but if your going to write to someone make sure the elongation that your assuming is actually the correct one.
bettielee says
For such a long time, I was so scared of querying. I feared the doleful eye of jaded literary agents holding the keys to the kingdom. Now I see I need not have been worried. For all my sins, I'm not a blithering idiot. I'm only an idiot on purpose. Vicky. Oh man.
Stephen Prosapio says
I for one and extremely disappointed that no one used the effervescent "NB"
🙂