First off, thank you so much to the 150+ very intrepid souls who volunteered their queries and pages for public consumption and our sort-of-scientific test of the query process.
Here’s how I whittled them down to five. I classified the queries loosely by genre (fantasy, urban fantasy, paranormal, etc. lumped together and romantic suspense, thriller, mystery, etc. lumped together), then checked to see which genre had the most entries. And yes indeed, YA Fantasy narrowly edged out mystery/suspense!
I then used the random number generator at random.org to select the five entries.
As you read the queries, please remember the purpose of this experiment: you are thinking like an agent. You are not looking for the best query according to the rules of blogging agents or what you personally would choose to read in your spare time. You are looking for the query that you think will have the best written pages and that you think has the most potential of selling to a publisher. Your job depends, in fact, on looking past the query. (Hopefully the writers helped you with queries that reflect the pages, which is why we blogging agents spend so much time dispensing advice.)
Please be exceedingly, ridiculously, incredibly nice to the participants who so bravely offered their queries to science. If I see one anonymous commenter who comes in and is all, “Meh meh meh I don’t like any of them mine’s way better I’m so awesome because no one knows who I am” I will confiscate everyone’s science kits and I mean it!!
Now then. There is a poll at the end of the post. Please vote for the query you would be most likely to request if you were an agent. If you subscribe by e-mail or in an RSS reader you will need to click through to see the poll, and e-mail subscribers, please do not e-mail me your votes.
Here are the queries!
#1: I’M A NOBODY:
Dear Agent for a Day,
Everything Dominic Taylor thought he knew about the universe was shattered when he followed his classmate through a door, and into another world. While trying to get home he is pulled into a war between man and myth that had been going on for centuries. He soon learns that the reasons behind the war are more complex than man’s fear of the supernatural. The only way he can return home is by finding what his deceased father’s research calls the Source, but no one could have guessed what he would find instead.
In the 70,000 words of I’m a Nobody Dominic struggles to find a place where he fits in, to rise above the crimes of the father he never met, and to come to terms with who, and what, he is.
I chose to submit this novel for your consideration after joining your blog. It’s been very helpful for preparing my manuscript and query letter, and I saw you represent most genres. Upon your request I am prepared to send the complete manuscript. This is my first novel.
Thank you for taking the time to consider my Novel.
Sincerely,
Author #1
—
#2: I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY
Dear Agent for a Day,
Presley O’Connor expects a memorable senior year. What she doesn’t expect is the letter that arrives on her eighteenth birthday with her mutilated senior picture and a wish for a happy last birthday.
A serial killer has chosen her for his sixth victim, but his presence is affecting more than just Presley. Reid Montgomery, a guy she had a massive crush on three years before, is having visions of her abduction and murder. Visions aren’t new to Reid. His family has been under a 400 year old spell that allows them to save others and to find their soul mates. Seeing her in the vision, he knows exactly why he must save her.
When the killer moves to kidnap Presley on Christmas Eve, Reid arrives just in time to save her. The love between Presley and Reid is immediate and powerful. Presley believes nothing will ever stand in the way of their happiness. Reid sees a different picture and as the killer escapes from jail determined to add her to his collection of victims, Reid is unable to stop him. This time saving Presley will take all Reid’s magic, love, and more.
My YA paranormal romance, I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY, is complete at 92,000 words. I am prepared to send a partial or full manuscript upon your request. Thank you for your time and consideration of my novel.
Sincerely,
Author #2
—
#3: SHORELINE
Dear Agent for a Day,
Sixteen-year-old Maya Georgiou is a beautiful ocean nymph faced with an impossible decision. She must choose between sacrificing Nate, the only boy she’s ever cared about, to a Greek Goddess with insane demands – or take his place instead.
SHORELINE, complete at 65,000 words, follows Maya as she and her family move back to Bar Harbor, Maine to help the sickly marine life developing offshore. As they settle in the tiny town, Maya finds herself intrigued by the sullen (albeit gorgeous) waiter at the local resort.
After a brief, rocky start, Maya and Nate fall for each other, but the rest of Maya’s world deteriorates. Her attempts to cure the ailing ocean creatures continue to fail, all while her family schemes to destroy her love life. In a shocking revelation they disclose one final, horrific family secret. Maya is not just an ocean nymph. She is also a Siren and must make a deadly sacrifice to appease the Goddess Persephone.
Maya has only days to make her decision. Does she spare Nate by succumbing to the sickness that is literally drowning her alive? Or does she convince him to plunge into the ocean abyss where he will die to fulfill her ancestral obligations?
Although Shoreline is a standalone novel, I have outlined a sequel and have completed another young adult urban fantasy novel.
I freelance for several websites with an audience of teens and young adults and am a member of SCBWI and YALitChat. I’m published in non-fiction, with titles including The Everything Card Games Book and The Everything Lateral Thinking Puzzles Book.
Attached please find the first 30 pages, as requested.
Thank you in advance for your time,
Author #3
—
#4: BLACK EMERALDS
Dear Agent for a Day,
Sometimes you go looking for fate, hoping to find a path to greatness. Sometimes she breaks down your door with an apocalyptic grin and drags you out in the alley.
For Kayden Verus, it’s the latter. Fate blessed him with super powers: good looks, superior strength, a killer smile, and more confidence than a seventeen-year-old kid should have. He never realized that she’d come looking for payback.
His story begins with a simple fact: Phaedons exist. They are physical representations of life’s virtues and one of them was Kayden’s father. Upon learning this, he leaves his small town safety to find his true identity at the prestigious Summit High School.
Instead of fate though, he is greeted by mythical creatures called Shades trying to end his life. He is able to foil their murder attempt but he can’t stop them from dragging him into the middle of the ancient war between the Phaedons and the Diotriphe family that controls them.
Enter Ailia. There’s only one thing that can conquer a cocky young man with cosmetic super powers: a beautiful girl with actual super powers. Like all boys, he’s helpless. She captivates him at first site but her sadistic tendencies and unhinged nature might kill him long before he discovers which side she’s actually on.
Black Emeralds is complete at 105,000 words and is of the young adult genre.
I am a first time author with a business undergrad from Millikin University and an MBA from Washington University in St. Louis.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Author #4
—
#5: UNREALITY CHICK
Dear Agent for a Day,
When faced with the grim prospect of another year of being the nicest, quietest girl in high school, Rebecca Rogers decides it’s time to get wild. Sure, she’s afraid of the dark, heights, big bugs, and cute guys, but she decides the key to coolness lies in overcoming her fears one at a time. She starts with heights. Unfortunately, the tree she chooses to climb turns out to be the tallest object on the highest hill in an expected thunder storm. Rebecca jumps to escape a lightning strike and falls into a fantastic new world.
Though she’s pretty sure she must be lying in a hospital somewhere and experiencing the world’s wildest coma-induced nightmare, she’s soon facing monsters, handsome princes, and evil villains with diabolical plans to take over this very scary world. Can she save the hottie, defeat the baddie, and run like hell from everything else? Some people are born with courage – Rebecca is having it thrust upon her.
“Unreality Chick” is a fast and funny 50,000 word young adult fantasy novel. I am the author of [a variety of work-for-hire things] and this is my first original novel.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Best Wishes,
Author #5
TiffanyD says
And goodness, I forgot to say that I am looking forward to reading the actual pages from all the submissions tomorrow!
Dara says
Well, then, forget the end of my last post 😛 Nathan's quick!
st. strim says
UNREALITY CHICK, based mostly on the pub creds, although I am not-so-secretly delighted that we get to see pages from all five.
Melissa Gill says
I'M A NOBODY really stood out for me, but they were all really good. That just seemed like more of something I'd enjoy reading myself.
Leah Petersen says
I thought Black Emeralds sounded like the most promising story and the letter had a nice voice behind it.
That said, I cringed at the typos. Not. Good.
Suze says
For me it was a toss-up between Black Emeralds and Unreality Chick. I loved the first paragraph of BE, but then the rest of the query lost me a little. UC was faster and more fun, but scarcer on the detail… I opted for UC – that's the one I'd most likely buy. I hope the pace of the first 30 is the same as the query.
Thanks, Nathan – this is such a valuable exercise, and thanks to the brave souls who put themselves out there!
Bandeau says
Black Emerald had me from the first two lines, and that's a gripping thing in a query!
If I picked up a random book off a shelf and read the same description it would be coming home with me in an instant, and I'm not a fan of YA Fantasy. Really showed the author's writing style and stayed consistent throughout.
Mesmerix says
I chose "Unreality Chick." First off, the title was awesome! Talk about high concept, the title itself tells me this is about a young girl, has fantasy elements, and is humorous. The query itself was pared down and straight to the point. It had voice and told me exactly what I'd be reading.
The other queries seemed to either leave too much unexplained or lack proper voice. "Unreality Chick" is right there showing you exactly what it's all about.
Margaret Yang says
I can't wait to see sample pages.
WriterGirl says
i'm surprised so many people are voting for unreality chick. I agree that it sounds interesting and i can see it on the book shelves but the query reads like a back cover blurb. i know what's going to happen in the first chapter but i've no idea what the rest of the book is going to be about!
Stephen says
#2 – I Would Have Loved You Anyway
Josin L. McQuein says
Okay, last try:
#1
Standard portal to another dimension premise. You hint that he's a "what" as well as a who, but give no clue as to what the "what" might be or what kind of crimes his father committed.
#2
I wanted to like the serial killer angle, but too many plot points spread too thin. I couldn't follow the flow of the story with any sense of flow. From the description, I'd think Reid was a banshee, but he's a guy, so it doesn't make sense to me.
#3
The set-up is heavy on the ecology angle. You have a relatively light word count, so you might want to reword the query so it's more about your MC and less about the ailing sea life.
#4
On the basis of voice alone, the first line of Black Emeralds is great.(But I thought Kayden was a girl's name at first glance ;-P) I think it's the "false start" that got me. You say "his story begins" in the 3rd paragraph, and then all the races packed into the 4th paragraph gets confusing.
#5
I liked the voice here, too. It's light and funny, but I'm shaky on the whole "is it a dream or reality" premise. I'm concerned the reader will get invested in a story that's not really happening (because it's a dream).
Cyndy Aleo says
I did like the voice of Unreality Chick, but the stopper for me was the length. That is an AWFUL lot of plot up there in the query for something that short, and, if I'm thinking like an agent, I don't want to be telling a potential client that he or she needs to add maybe 30 or 40K words to flesh it all out. I got the feeling that it would be rushed.
I Would Have Loved You Anyway seemed more like it was closer to done.
Maybe my way of thinking is wrong (and/or lazy), but if I have 400 queries waiting in my box along with a raft of clients I'm already representing, I want to go with the story that grabbed me but also wouldn't need massive revision.
Strictly business. Personally, I'd probably want to read Unreality Chick.
Ted Cross says
I would have to go with #1 even though few others are. Yes, the plot sounds familiar, but it at least sounds like something that can sell in my opinion. Each of the other queries had something so egregious (in my opinion) that I was halted early on.
Mary McDonald says
What I liked most about Unreality Chick was that not only did it have great voice and humor, but I think a lot of teens can relate to the main character, as far as her fears go. They'll see themselves in the title role, which, would hopefully equal lots of book sales.
Black Emerald also sounded like a great story, and the query well written, but I thought as far as mass appeal, Unreality Chick would be the winner.
Karen says
It was definitely tough to choose. There were 2 that I would have liked to have selected.
John says
I voted for #1 (NOBODY). #2 (I WOULD HAVE LOVED…) was close, however. #5 (UNREALITY) was too cutesy for my tastes.
I'd be interested to see the breakdown of votes by gender to see if there's a "cutesy" bias in the women. I suppose that's who you're really selling to since teeny-bopper girls are the fuel of success in a lot of YA.
Kathleen MacIver says
It surprised me how 5 randomly selected queries were so good! Obviously Nathan's done an excellent job at teaching people how to write queries. 🙂
After looking at the results, though, I'm very intrigued by how many people went with #5, seeing as it says virtually nothing about the actual plot past the first chapter. I guess that says something for voice, though…plenty of people will chose a book based on voice and not care (at that point) about whether the plot will hold up. And the voice on that is really good!
I'm A Nobody was good, but the grammar problems made me pause a tad too often. I am really curious to find out who and what he is, though!
I almost went with I Would Have Loved You Anyway. In fact, I think the only reason I didn't pick that one was how their love was "immediate and powerful" which just doesn't seem to jive with the fact that they already knew each other. It makes me wonder if the romance will be believable. The contrast of gifts and twists and the character's goals and quests really intrigued me, though. It's fantastic when a query hints at so much of the plot without giving spoilers! I'd still give this one a shot if I could pick two!
Shoreline just didn't interest me…probably because I feel like I know the whole story now. I know who she really is, so why read the first half of the book? I don't know the end…so maybe I'd skip to the end to find out, and if it intrigues me enough, start at the beginning (or the middle) and see how she got there. Or maybe ocean stories just don't interest me. Sometimes it's hard to pin down why you're not interested, isn't it?
Black Emeralds is the one I voted for. Those first two sentences are fantastic! And the rest of the query follows up with enough elements to keep me intrigued. The guy's perfect, yet not perfect, and described in a way that makes me want to watch him get his due and then watch him grown and learn from it. I wish there was a hint as to what her super powers are, but there's enough to intrigue me. The only thing possibly against it is the length…but I'm intrigued enough to try it anyway.
Congrats, everyone, on great queries!
Matthew Rush says
Wow thanks so much for having the courage to share these with us (the writers not you Nathan, though you are of course awesome in other ways). These are all great queries and each one sounds like an interesting premise for a story.
That being said I just learned something really interesting. Normally I would have read each query all the way through. Trying to think like an agent I admit I didn't read any of them all the way through (not trying to be an ass or pretending to be high and mighty, I just figure if it doesn't grab me right away … agents are extremely busy).
I chose Black Emeralds because the voice came through with the most strength right off the bat.
This Is The Knew Me says
I wonder if it would make a difference to all those who made comments about Black Emeralds being too long, to know that Twilight was originally 135,000 words. I don't know what it went to print at, but that's what it was when Meyer queried it.
Phyllis says
I don't read YA, I don't read fantasy, and I don't understand why the two genres must be combined. I never thought I would say this, but I'm yearning for reality.
Still, thanks to the authors who were willing to expose their queries and partials to our cruel eyes.
#1 This is the one query where I think that the partial may turn out better than the query. The query is too general, and I found myself wishing for more detail to be able to judge.
#2 I'm over serial killers, I'm sorry, and I didn't find that the paranormal aspect helped this stand out. As for the query, I think it's not presented in its best form because it doesn't start with the protagonist, but with the intended victim, and she remained rather pale.
#3 Apart from the fact that I have difficulties placing a Greek nymph in Maine, I have a problem with the stakes. I find the dilemma, Maya faces rather drab, either she dies, or her lover does. I can't believe either that she can convince him to die for her if there wasn't something in it for him. I miss a silver lining.
#4 I voted for this one. It has voice, and with Alia, it has a sense of personal challenge that may make it stand out from the crowd. The spelling error "site" was a downer though, so was the word count and the wording "of the YA genre". It made me fear that the writing was a little verbose. Still, I had the greatest confidence in this one, and I'm looking forward to reading the partial.
#5 This one had the most intriguing character, and after the first three sentences, I thought I had felt I had sussed out the plot. She'd start with heights, move on to other phobias, mayhem ensues when the cute boys enter the story, and all ends well. I'd have loved to read that, but, alas, she plunges into a different world. I could believe Rebecca choosing the tree on the hill, but I couldn't buy into her doing so at the onset of a thunderstorm. Still, it came in a strong second.
Good luck to all the courageous authors for their projects!
Ellen says
Oh dear, I was reeeally torn between Shoreline and Unreality Chick. I finally went with Shoreline, just because the concept struck me as original and I wanted to hear more. I did love the voice in Unreality Chick though!
Jason Black says
Hard choice, because I didn't feel that any of them were particularly strong, but I went with Shoreline.
Why? Because I felt that it has the most inherent conflict (at least from what's evident in the query). Also, I liked the human-level nature of the conflict: the stakes are important to those two characters, but not particularly important to anybody else. They're personal stakes, and I like that. I'm tired of books that try to raise the stakes too high: epic fantasies where the fate of the world hangs in the balance.
That said, the rest of the query didn't really grab me. The query didn't do a good job of showing me that the story's many elements–the aquatic restoration element, the love story, the necessary sacrifice–are all related on some deep level. They feel very much cobbled together, as though the author drew those elements out of a hat and decided to put them all in the same book. I was hoping to see how Persephone's demand of a sacrifice relates to Maya's goal of restoring the harbor, to have some hint of why Persephone demands a sacrifice in the first place, why it just HAS to be Nate who gets sacrificed, et cetera. None of that was in the query, leading me to believe that the book as a whole won't have a harmonious feel to it.
I must say that the query for Black Emeralds was quite intriguing. I liked many elements of the premise: the hot-shot kid who's going to find out that everything that has made him such a hot-shot so far in his life isn't going to matter that much when things get serious. I like books that force a character to re-assess themselves and decide what they want to be deep down inside. However, I can't overlook that the author mistook "site" for "sight" in the query.
I liked the premise of Would Have Loved You Anyway, but the query made the girl sound too much like a stereotypical passive victim character, which again, I'm bored to death with. The query does not give any indication that she is making as much effort to save her own life as he is. I need to see hints of that in the query in order for me to believe that she'll be a sufficiently interesting character to base the novel around.
I loved the opening paragraph of Unreality Chick, too, but was very disappointed to find at the end of that paragraph that it's yet another alternate-world fantasy novel. I was so hoping that the book would take place in _this_ world, because she sounded like such an interesting character.
All in all, a pretty tough choice. Shoreline got my vote kind of by elimination, but as I say the query was still weak in other areas and I don't have the highest expectations for the pages themselves. Always hope to be surprised, of course, but there you go.
Anica Lewis says
Thanks so much to everyone who shared for making this cool experiment possible!
I picked Shoreline. I'd like to see more YA paranormal romance in which a female character is the Dangerous Supernatural Creetyur rather than the Fragile Human, and "ocean nymph" is a Supernatural Creetyur that hasn't been done a lot already.
1. I found I'm Nobody interesting. I did think the query could use a bit more clarity as to what is going on – I'd love to have a better grasp on what "a war between man and myth" means. If there are gods/sphinxes/giants/centaurs/etc. running around, tell me that! Also, not sure why the last use of the word "novel" is capitalized.
2. Thought I Would Have Loved You Anyway seemed interesting, but wasn't clear on whose POV it was written in. Alternating, maybe? It would be nice to know. I suppose the sample pages will make it clearer.
4. I know it's been mentioned, but the site/sight typo in Black Emeralds threw me.
5. I almost picked Unreality Chick – liked the voice and the unlikely "nice girl" heroine – but thought it would be a hard sell at that length. Also, I thought the query could do with a little less of the first paragraph (setup before the fall) and a little more specificity in the second (what's going on in the other world). And the term "evil villains" kind of made my eye twitch. I love the sentence after that, though.
Alpha-Mom says
Wow, this is terribly difficult. In the end I voted for I Would Have Loved You Anyway because I liked how vividly both of the protagonists came across in the query. But I also liked the fun voice in the Unreality Chick query, and if I could have requested another, I would have 'requested a partial' on that one as well.
Nic says
Thanks for sharing guys. Awesome queries was hard to choose.
#1 I thought it was intriguing – interested in finding some of the details out. I felt i got a good idea of the plot.
#2 The actual concept isn't for me. I felt it was a bit wordy. Not quite sure on the plot, seems to be too much setup.
#3 i got pulled out of the query in paragraph 2/3 because you go from story to length and genre back to story.
#4 there is a great hook and i was feeling the hook but then i didn't get that the book was about what you hooked me with.
#5 its interesting. climbing a tree in a thunderstorm seemed a bit weird but then she jumps into this non-reality and i don't get a sense that she is trying to get home or wake up if she believes she is in a coma. A bit Life On Mars(Uk) but without the seeming confusing.
I chose #1 in the vote because i had a clearer sense of what the plot was and intrigued me.
Valerie L Smith says
Thanks to all five for being the guinea pigs in Nathan's laboratory.
I chose Shoreline because of its strong writing and interesting storyline.
D. G. Hudson says
I never read YA fantasy, nor do I write it, but these entries did pique my interest. The first, I'm a Nobody, intrigues me because it touches on the issue of inner struggle and a young man trying to find his place in reality via a fantasy universe.
It's something that I think could be sold based on the 'coming of age' angle. Epic struggles usually make for a good read. Good Luck to all those whose queries were chosen.
Jessie Oliveros says
I felt like the first and last queries were a little vague, not specific enough. I voted for Shoreline.
Caroline Steele says
Veeery interesting exercise. First of all apparently I have weird taste, which is no new information. But this is also a good exercise in figuring out what make a query *stand out*—not just from the crappy ones, but from the other good ones. Very educational.
alaskaravenclaw says
Wow, tough choice! These are good queries.
Can I still be nice if I say that referring to humanity as "man" might put some agents off? I've seen editors complain about writers who do this.
I chose #4 because it looked like the writer knew how to get a story moving right away.
Livia says
They all sound very interesting! I'd pick unreality chick — love the voice and the humor.
Princess in Galoshes says
These were all fun to read! Although since there were only five, I think I read them all more thoroughly than I would have if I was skimming through a pile of hundreds.
It was a tough call for me between I Would Have Loved You Anyway and Shoreline. I thought I Would Have Loved… will appeal to the angsty, my-soul-is-deep-and-sad Y/A crowd who like the romance novel-esque slightly overprotective paranormal father-figure. (You know, kind of like that Twlight book ya hear so much about.) 😉
Ultimately, though, Shoreline got my vote because it seemed to have a great back story, along with some touches of Greek mythology and interesting tidbits about the Maine shoreline. Kind of reminded me of the way DaVinci Code was so successful with its mix of lore/fact/fiction. People do actually like to learn, and I think fiction novels are the perfect way to release those fascinating tidbits that the masses like to glom on to. That is what I'd HOPE for, from this novel, anyway. That's why I wanted to read more.
I also have a slight suspicion that there's going to be an up-and-coming trend for regionalized books, which was another reason I thought this book might have a good shot.
Patrice says
Did you purposely put them in ascending order? It's so interesting that I found it more about voice (making me think I would love to read X thousands of words by this author, the query is so inviting) than about the plot.
It was hard to choose! I almost went for #4 (despite love at first "site" — please do fix that before you submit this query, dear author) but the word length was too long. So I went for the short and quirky #5.
I love the imagination in these stories! Nymphs, phaetons, etc. Who knew there were all these mythical folks to bring to life in 2010?
Marilyn Peake says
I'm going to come back later and read the queries. Just had to say that you are hilarious. When I read your statement, "If I see one anonymous commenter who comes in and is all, 'Meh meh meh I don't like any of them mine's way better I'm so awesome because no one knows who I am' I will confiscate everyone's science kits and I mean it!!", I had to chuckle. ROFLOL. That just made my day. 🙂
Nathan Bransford says
patrice-
No, I didn't consciously order them in any way – they're in reverse chronological order from when they came in because that's how they appeared in my inbox.
reader says
I voted for Shoreline because there was mention of the Maine setting, and that alone made it stand out. So much of YA lit seems to take place in a vacuum — in generic suburbia, spy schools, or cheerleading camps — that anything with a realized setting I can ground myself in is always welcome.
Good luck to the participants!
Kathryn Packer Roberts says
Really surprised at how much I liked ALL of these entries. Some more than others, but really good job all of you. Thanks for sharing.
I would have voted for entry #4, but the word count is too high. (A problem I am still working on in my own book). #5 interested me a lot, too, because of voice, but the word count was a little on the low side (boy I wish I had that problem! =)
So, #1 got my vote. I think it could have been slightly stronger (voice-wise), but I think the story sounds great and the word count is right on. So, there you have it! =)
Lisa R says
I don't read any YA fantasy but these queries were great! It was hard to choose based on what I thought an agent would pick cause each one of the queries made me want to read the book! Well done and thanks to the writers for sharing their queries with us.
Emily Anderson says
Thanks to the brave souls who posted their queries and work. #2 & #5 spoke to me the most and while #5 was a better query with a better sense of voice, I think #2 more marketable with the love story and thriller aspects.
E.J. Wesley says
I will say that I submitted to this, and it took WAAAYYYY more courage on my part than it should have! (Was my first query letter. Ever!) I was so nervous, and it wasn't even a real submission! So, I'll first say to all of those who did enter, and especially to those who have their letters up for public dissection: You rock the block!
@ Nathan: Thanks for doing crazy stuff like this!
Now, as for my thoughts about the contestants:
#1) Cool idea. I don't know that I was sold on the "wandering through a door" thing (I can almost guarantee there's more to it), and I would have liked to have seen more about the protag's motivation, etc. (voice?).
#2) Another great idea, and well written (I thought). The story doesn't sound like a 'feel good' read, and at 92,000 words that could be a problem in YA. I bet the protag would/could add some fun to the story, but it (voice, again) didn't show in the letter.
#3) This sounds like a fun story! However, I felt as though I was being told everything step-by-step in the query, which would make me afraid that the writing in the entire story might be that way. (All telling, no showing, if that makes sense.)
#4) Nice hook! Also written well … As I read through, the story seemed very complex (not bad, just complex); unfortunately, when I saw the word count it made me fear that it might be overly so.
#5) My vote. The story sounds crazy, but I had a very clear idea of who the protag is, and the potential zippiness of the story. When I saw they'd told the story in 50,000 words, I was sold. This one is going to be fast-paced and fun!
In the end, I thought they were all pretty great, but I had to pick just one. My gut says #5 would be the one to check out.
sex scenes at starbucks says
I chose Black Emeralds because the story felt different from stuff on the market and the writing inspired confidence in the pages.
Thanks, all!!
Emily Cross says
I voted for #5 – I really liked this query, it made me laugh and the character seemed very relatable. if the novel is written in the same style I'd say your on to a winner.
I also think it would be appealing for it's marketed audience too.
Everyone's queries were brilliant though so thank you all for sharing 🙂
Terry Towery says
My vote goes to UNREALITY CHICK because I thought the writer's voice came through loud and clear.
Also, did I miss something, or were *all* of the entries Young Adult? Surely there were some adult titles among the entries?
Krista V. says
It was a close one between BLACK EMERALDS and UNREALITY CHICK for me. I thought the voice was a little stronger in BLACK EMERALDS, even though UNREALITY CHICK's query was tighter. Not surprised to see UNREALITY CHICK in the lead.
I'll be excited to see the pages tomorrow.
JohnO says
Hail brave authors! SCJ and I seem to agree on a lot of points, so I'll just recap my brief thoughts:
1 – Might be good (I like the idea of a war between man and myth), but there wasn't enough for me to be sure. I felt the query needed more detail to make it stand out as unique.
2 – The set-up, love story and conflict are well laid out here, but what held me back was the antagonist, "a serial killer," which sounded like a stock character. If I knew more about what made the circumstances unique, I might have asked for pages.
3 – I went back and forth between 3 and 5. I liked the premise and the detail, though I don't know if it could sell after the success of The Lightning Thief.
4 – I liked some of this (especially "cosmetic super powers"), but what held me back was the protagonist's motivation. I know he gets dragged into a war and falls for the girl, but I wanted to know what he was looking to accomplish, and why.
5 – I agree with the commenter who said the second paragraph was generic, but there was good writing and voice, and I like the twist that the girl is saving the hottie instead of the other way around. That's why it got my vote.
James Montgomery Jackson says
Thanks to all 150 who offered up your work for scrutiny.
Acting as though I were an agent, I looked for reasons to reject the manuscripts and in finding one, moved on.
The reasons were small, but telling: an errant comma where none should have been. Words that should have been hyphenated but were not. A phrase that sounded clunky to my ear.
Only one made it through that gauntlet and got my vote. I'm looking forward to reading the 30 pages.
Danielle says
I voted for UNREALITY CHICK because the plot came through the most clearly. I could see where it was headed more than the others. It was a hard choice.
Susan Kaye Quinn says
Thanks to all the submitters for offering up their queries for us to take a gander.
H.C.Reignoir says
All five of the query letters show promise and I would gladly read the pages attached, but if I had to chose one from just the query (no pages, no synopsis, no nothing), it would be the Unreality Chick.
The writer seems confident in her (i suppose the writer is a she) work and she presents it in a fun and interesting way that sounds promising.
And just to prove that I'm not agent material, chances are that I would request partials from all of the above, just to satisfy my curiosity.