First off, thank you so much to the 150+ very intrepid souls who volunteered their queries and pages for public consumption and our sort-of-scientific test of the query process.
Here’s how I whittled them down to five. I classified the queries loosely by genre (fantasy, urban fantasy, paranormal, etc. lumped together and romantic suspense, thriller, mystery, etc. lumped together), then checked to see which genre had the most entries. And yes indeed, YA Fantasy narrowly edged out mystery/suspense!
I then used the random number generator at random.org to select the five entries.
As you read the queries, please remember the purpose of this experiment: you are thinking like an agent. You are not looking for the best query according to the rules of blogging agents or what you personally would choose to read in your spare time. You are looking for the query that you think will have the best written pages and that you think has the most potential of selling to a publisher. Your job depends, in fact, on looking past the query. (Hopefully the writers helped you with queries that reflect the pages, which is why we blogging agents spend so much time dispensing advice.)
Please be exceedingly, ridiculously, incredibly nice to the participants who so bravely offered their queries to science. If I see one anonymous commenter who comes in and is all, “Meh meh meh I don’t like any of them mine’s way better I’m so awesome because no one knows who I am” I will confiscate everyone’s science kits and I mean it!!
Now then. There is a poll at the end of the post. Please vote for the query you would be most likely to request if you were an agent. If you subscribe by e-mail or in an RSS reader you will need to click through to see the poll, and e-mail subscribers, please do not e-mail me your votes.
Here are the queries!
#1: I’M A NOBODY:
Dear Agent for a Day,
Everything Dominic Taylor thought he knew about the universe was shattered when he followed his classmate through a door, and into another world. While trying to get home he is pulled into a war between man and myth that had been going on for centuries. He soon learns that the reasons behind the war are more complex than man’s fear of the supernatural. The only way he can return home is by finding what his deceased father’s research calls the Source, but no one could have guessed what he would find instead.
In the 70,000 words of I’m a Nobody Dominic struggles to find a place where he fits in, to rise above the crimes of the father he never met, and to come to terms with who, and what, he is.
I chose to submit this novel for your consideration after joining your blog. It’s been very helpful for preparing my manuscript and query letter, and I saw you represent most genres. Upon your request I am prepared to send the complete manuscript. This is my first novel.
Thank you for taking the time to consider my Novel.
Sincerely,
Author #1
—
#2: I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY
Dear Agent for a Day,
Presley O’Connor expects a memorable senior year. What she doesn’t expect is the letter that arrives on her eighteenth birthday with her mutilated senior picture and a wish for a happy last birthday.
A serial killer has chosen her for his sixth victim, but his presence is affecting more than just Presley. Reid Montgomery, a guy she had a massive crush on three years before, is having visions of her abduction and murder. Visions aren’t new to Reid. His family has been under a 400 year old spell that allows them to save others and to find their soul mates. Seeing her in the vision, he knows exactly why he must save her.
When the killer moves to kidnap Presley on Christmas Eve, Reid arrives just in time to save her. The love between Presley and Reid is immediate and powerful. Presley believes nothing will ever stand in the way of their happiness. Reid sees a different picture and as the killer escapes from jail determined to add her to his collection of victims, Reid is unable to stop him. This time saving Presley will take all Reid’s magic, love, and more.
My YA paranormal romance, I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY, is complete at 92,000 words. I am prepared to send a partial or full manuscript upon your request. Thank you for your time and consideration of my novel.
Sincerely,
Author #2
—
#3: SHORELINE
Dear Agent for a Day,
Sixteen-year-old Maya Georgiou is a beautiful ocean nymph faced with an impossible decision. She must choose between sacrificing Nate, the only boy she’s ever cared about, to a Greek Goddess with insane demands – or take his place instead.
SHORELINE, complete at 65,000 words, follows Maya as she and her family move back to Bar Harbor, Maine to help the sickly marine life developing offshore. As they settle in the tiny town, Maya finds herself intrigued by the sullen (albeit gorgeous) waiter at the local resort.
After a brief, rocky start, Maya and Nate fall for each other, but the rest of Maya’s world deteriorates. Her attempts to cure the ailing ocean creatures continue to fail, all while her family schemes to destroy her love life. In a shocking revelation they disclose one final, horrific family secret. Maya is not just an ocean nymph. She is also a Siren and must make a deadly sacrifice to appease the Goddess Persephone.
Maya has only days to make her decision. Does she spare Nate by succumbing to the sickness that is literally drowning her alive? Or does she convince him to plunge into the ocean abyss where he will die to fulfill her ancestral obligations?
Although Shoreline is a standalone novel, I have outlined a sequel and have completed another young adult urban fantasy novel.
I freelance for several websites with an audience of teens and young adults and am a member of SCBWI and YALitChat. I’m published in non-fiction, with titles including The Everything Card Games Book and The Everything Lateral Thinking Puzzles Book.
Attached please find the first 30 pages, as requested.
Thank you in advance for your time,
Author #3
—
#4: BLACK EMERALDS
Dear Agent for a Day,
Sometimes you go looking for fate, hoping to find a path to greatness. Sometimes she breaks down your door with an apocalyptic grin and drags you out in the alley.
For Kayden Verus, it’s the latter. Fate blessed him with super powers: good looks, superior strength, a killer smile, and more confidence than a seventeen-year-old kid should have. He never realized that she’d come looking for payback.
His story begins with a simple fact: Phaedons exist. They are physical representations of life’s virtues and one of them was Kayden’s father. Upon learning this, he leaves his small town safety to find his true identity at the prestigious Summit High School.
Instead of fate though, he is greeted by mythical creatures called Shades trying to end his life. He is able to foil their murder attempt but he can’t stop them from dragging him into the middle of the ancient war between the Phaedons and the Diotriphe family that controls them.
Enter Ailia. There’s only one thing that can conquer a cocky young man with cosmetic super powers: a beautiful girl with actual super powers. Like all boys, he’s helpless. She captivates him at first site but her sadistic tendencies and unhinged nature might kill him long before he discovers which side she’s actually on.
Black Emeralds is complete at 105,000 words and is of the young adult genre.
I am a first time author with a business undergrad from Millikin University and an MBA from Washington University in St. Louis.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Author #4
—
#5: UNREALITY CHICK
Dear Agent for a Day,
When faced with the grim prospect of another year of being the nicest, quietest girl in high school, Rebecca Rogers decides it’s time to get wild. Sure, she’s afraid of the dark, heights, big bugs, and cute guys, but she decides the key to coolness lies in overcoming her fears one at a time. She starts with heights. Unfortunately, the tree she chooses to climb turns out to be the tallest object on the highest hill in an expected thunder storm. Rebecca jumps to escape a lightning strike and falls into a fantastic new world.
Though she’s pretty sure she must be lying in a hospital somewhere and experiencing the world’s wildest coma-induced nightmare, she’s soon facing monsters, handsome princes, and evil villains with diabolical plans to take over this very scary world. Can she save the hottie, defeat the baddie, and run like hell from everything else? Some people are born with courage – Rebecca is having it thrust upon her.
“Unreality Chick” is a fast and funny 50,000 word young adult fantasy novel. I am the author of [a variety of work-for-hire things] and this is my first original novel.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Best Wishes,
Author #5
David says
I chose #1, because it seems to have the clearest, strongest writing and sense of focus. Though #5 was a close second.
Scott says
I picked Shoreline for the big, fat hook (some pun intended). The central conceit had metaphorical depth, and the plot didn't sprawl too much––although the somewhat lengthy query did get cloudy in parts. Still, I understood enough to glean that the writer had a firm grip on his or her vision. Then, in the end, some publishing experience was revealed.
Chibi says
I really enjoyed reading the query letters. Each of them was so different and it was difficult to choose one. I could pick out a flaw or two in each one, so it made me realize the value of having an extremely carefully worded query AND story, and for that, I thank those brave enough to submit their queries.
Anonymous says
I just realized how jacked up this is. We're all saying "could we sell that?" But we as neophytes don't know the market, what certain editors want, what's hot right now. I mean, I can pick a query that I really like, but, that doesnt mean I would be able to sell it since I dont know the market.
Nathan Bransford says
anon-
In case the image of The Brain from Pinky and the Brain is not a tipoff, this is not meant to be an exact science.
Polenth says
For marketability, Shoreline stood out. The query wasn't the strongest of the bunch, but it's got a solid paranormal romance theme and the ocean nymph angle. It struck me as appealing to the same market as Twilight, without trying to recreate that story.
Kristi Helvig says
If I were an agent, I'd pick #5.
Adventures in Children's Publishing says
Wow, this was a tough choice and if this is a random sampling of what you received, the competition out there is really stiff. The story line in I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY seemed the most compelling and widely saleable to me, but there were a couple things in the query that made me wonder how well-written the manuscript would be. With UNREALITY CHICK, I didn't have to wonder–the voice was there and she had experience. The manuscript may be a little short for YA though, and the writing will have to be very good to overcome the coincidence factor of the inciting incident. Still, UNREALITY CHICK got my vote because it felt fresher than the others.
Guinevere says
I voted for I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY, as it seemed to have the most compelling plotline to me and the writing in the query was quite strong.
Keith Popely says
I'm surprised by how little I feel I know about each one of these stories. If I were an agent, I would definitely want sample pages included with queries. I was intrigued by at least two of these queries, but I would not feel comfortable contacting the author and requesting a partial until I'd read a few pages to get at least a basic feel for the writing talent and story tone.
Margo says
Like others who mentioned they don't read in this (sub)genre, I was very impressed with the quality of the random sample. Much appreciation to our brave guinea writers.
I wrestled my choices down to SHORELINE and BLACK EMERALDS. Both queries looked to me like they had good voice and a plot with great potential, which I have always thought were important for marketability (but what do I know?). I want to choose both! I picked one and then wanted to change my mind and then wanted to change back and then…
Cherie Henderson says
Thanks to all who contributed!
I wanted more plot info from all five queries. That plus length led me to rule out I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY and BLACK EMERALD. (I'm way out of my genre, so I could be off base here.)
In I'M A NOBODY, I got lost with "he is pulled into a war between man and myth."
Like many others, the voice in UNREALITY CHICK stood out, and I liked this line: "Some people are born with courage – Rebecca is having it thrust upon her." But again I didn't have a good idea about the plot.
The SHORELINE plot confused me a little but it seemed fresh, and I think the environmental overtones might be a marketing plus.
Thanks again to all!
Rick Daley says
I picked number 4 because I liked the pacing and the voice.
Crystal says
I can't figure out where the official place to vote is, but I say I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAYS is the best AGENT pick. Very sellable.
Other Lisa says
I think I would trust my decision more if I had a page or two of the actual writing to go with it!
Patti Struble says
Thinking like an agent – just for today. All of these were really great and I appreciate the brave souls who submitted them. I picked #4 for a few reasons. At a recent conference I learned how untapped the YA market is for boys & that made it all the more inviting & saleable. Plus the pitch para drew me in immediately. I would expect the writing to follow along at this pace. I also thought the author had a very definitve plan that I could envision from the query; that added to the depth for me. But, that said, it was not an easy decision by any means. Nicely done all.
Rena Rossner says
I voted for Shoreline because it was just different than everything else out there. Of course, it depends on the story and the voice and the writing because these things could go either way but even though the other queries were all extremely well written and they all grabbed me and I thought they would all make good YA novels – this one was one that said "pick me! I'm different!"
Thanks Nathan! This is awesome! Do we get to hear which one YOU would have picked???
Anonymous says
I voted for, I would have loved you anyway, but I really like Unreality Chick too.
Thinking as an agent, some of the others needed to be cleaned up. I don't believe they were ready for submission to an agent.
Mira says
I liked every query here, and commend the authors for their bravery! Yay, authors!
I definitely would have gone from the query letter to the pages for all of these.
I choose #5- I liked the confidence, the pacing, the voice and the story is one I've seen work in YA. I have a weakness for humor – and YA fantasy/humor is hard to do well, but when it is done well – it can really hit big.
But it was a hard call – I very much liked the strong male protagonist voice in #1 – I think that could sell to male teens. I liked the action/fantasy combo in #2 – unusual in fantasy YA. #3 hinted at the type of beautiful mermaid fantasy that I think YA girls love, and #4 has some very funny lines in it – I'd want to see the pages for a better look.
However, my secret vote goes to the picture on the post. Who could ever imagine anything so wonderful?
Artists are scary.
Good luck to all the entrants, and I'm looking forward to reading the pages!
Anonymous says
Thanks to everyone who submitted their work so Nathan could host this great experiment.
Here are my thoughts on the queries.
I’M A NOBODY – this caught my imagination and I voted for it. It just made me want to know more and I think that is partially because of the premise and partially because the writing is good. The first paragraph was clear and flowed very well. I think there could have been more detail – what is this war about? A little about “what” he is, etc. But the bottom line is the query caught my interest and I want to know more so I would request a partial. A few things for the author – you don’t mention the genre of the book in your query and you should as in – the 70,000 words of my Young Adult Fantasy novel I’m a Nobody Dominic…. Also you don’t mention the MCs age and you should get that information across somehow. Another thing your last paragraph is a bit choppy. Even though you are not talking about your story here you still need to write well. Finally you don’t have to mention that you are prepared to send the MS, it’s understood.
I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY – My problem with this query is I am not sure who the MC is. Is this Presley’s story or Reid’s? So that is problematical for me right off. And if it’s both I didn’t get that either or else it just didn’t work for me. Another problem is you say that Reid is unable to stop the killer then you say that stopping the killer will take all of Reid’s magic ….. So which is it? Can he stop the killer or not? As in the first query you don’t have to mention that you are prepared to send the full MS – it’s understood. I think this story has some good ideas but POV issues and some lack of clarity would stop me from requesting a partial.
SHORELINE – I thought the story here was somewhat intriguing but I didn’t like the writing. I felt the query didn’t flow well and there was too much hyperbole for me. Too many adjectives for me: beautiful ocean nymph, insane demands, only boy she ever cared about, sullen waiter, shocking revelation, literally drowning. I found the writing of the query didn’t draw me in it pushed me away. There was much telling and not enough showing for my tastes.
BLACK EMERALDS – I found this query confusing. What is it about? Ok Kayden learns that he is a what? His father is a Phaedon, but what is he? What is Summit High? Aside from being prestigious. Why do the Shades want to end his life? Who are the Diotriphe family? What exactly is Kayden’s goal? Aside from keeping out of the way of all the people who want to kill him for reasons unexplained. Also just FYI your MBA and business BA aren’t writing credentials and don’t belong in a query letter. It’s ok not to have writing credentials but mentioning inapplicable credentials marks you as being unknowledgeable about the publishing business. While there are some interesting ideas here I don’t get a clear story of a MC who has a goal and the opposition to that goal.
UNREALITY CHICK – I can see why this query is getting the most votes. It has a great voice. I like that she is going to overcome her fears one at a time. How methodical, it demonstrates her basic personality which is definitely not wild. I think there is a lack of specifics as to plot and the author might want to fix that with some elaboration, but I would request a partial on this. I did not vote for it because I just found I’M A NOBODY more to my taste. Also the sentence “I am the author of a [variety of work for hire things]” what does that mean? I don’t even know if these things are valid credentials unless you spell out what they are.
Nick says
I'm A Nobody – Not bad sounding, but I feel like it's missing something. I do like it, but that missing something has me worried a bit. If there's something missing from the query I can't place my finger on, will there be a phantom something in the story? Maybe not. But maybe so. We'll see how the others stack up in comparison.
I Would Have Loved You Anyway – This, I thought, was really solid. I'm just going in order with these initial thoughts, but of the first two, this one earns my vote. I think the length might be a bit high, but it may be more than justified.
Shoreline – By all accounts a good query, but I'm just not feeling anything here. There's nothing about the writing to make me say, "Yeah, I can sell this." As with the first one, this isn't necessarily indicative of the book, and I sincerely hope it isn't, but on a query basis I would probably pass on it. Operative word being probably. I could see times when I would roll with it, but again, going in order here, number two is just stronger to me, and I'm afraid I can only pick one.
Black Emeralds – Again, just not feeling this one. And as with #2, the length is a bit worrying to me, but I would still attach a "maybe it's justifiable" stamp. Going on the basis of this though, gotta say pass.
Unreality Chick – Another very solid one. This is another one I would love to request. But it hasn't completely bowled #2 out. And being that I can only select one, that means I've got some thinking to do.
First of all, I just want to say sorry to the other authors. I hate to sound like a form rejection, but this whole thing is very subjective, and for me, your queries just didn't have the right kind of "oomph". In fact I'm certain I'm going to see people have voted for you when I finally enter a vote.
But now we have the conundrum of Query 2 and Query 5. I really, really like both of these. Were I a real agent, I would totally request more from both of you, but I can only pick one winner here. This was hard for me. I actually went back and re-read the queries a couple of times, and I took some time off to allow my mind to defrag a bit while I processed the information at hand, and even re-read them again when I came back. And I still couldn't choose a clear winner. By all accounts, Query 5 is far more gripping, but there's just something about Query 2 that has me going for it. In the end, I waffled a bit longer, re-read them again, and in the end, being limited to only one option, I know which one I'm going for.
I voted for Unreality Chick.
Valerie Sloan says
All of these caught my eye. I love a good YA fantasy and I wish everyone good luck when they send out the queries. I'll give a quick opinion on each.
1. I really liked this. The first sentence grabbed my attention and pulled me in. My only problem here was how vague the 'man and myth' war was portrayed. Is there a way you could add something specific so that the stakes are clearly defined? I'm very interested in Dominic's struggle with who he is and to know what his father did, but without the knowledge of the war and how that ties in I don't find the query as strong as it could be.
2. Love how you open and I'm dying to figure out *why* the killer chose Presley. You had a very strong query going here. My only trip up here was the mention of the spell on Reid's family and why he has to save her – I didn't draw the connection the first time I read it. But at the same time, I love how you contrasted how Presley and Reid see their love, it draws a nice connection to the characters.
3. I really liked this. You have a very strong query here and I was really torn between this one and number 5 on which one to vote for.
4. Killer opening. I loved the voice here it just sprang off the screen! "His story begins" threw me a little and I found the Phaedons and Ditrophe family a little confusing – but maybe I'm not familiar with the mythology. Still, for that opening alone I'm still dying to read this.
5. This is the one I picked for the one I'd request. The voice ws clear and I instantly related to the main character. The writing was crisp, clean, I didn't find myself confused at all.I was a little sketchy with the plot, what happens in the new world? But you gave just enough hints to keep my curiosity.
All five of you showed incredible courage submiting these and I just wanted to give each of you a thanks. I learned a lot from reading through these and heck, I'd read every one of them.
Polenth says
Anon, I suspect the [variety of work for hire things] thing is for this exercise only. If the project details were there, you could work out who the author was. Which is great in the real world, but not for this exercise.
Anonymous says
I don't like how they all start right with the pitch. Without the context of the contest, the agent wouldn't even what what genre they're in before reading the pitch. Not the best move if you ask me.
There should be an introductory paragraph up front and then start with the pitch.
Carolin Seidenkranz says
Congrats everyone! =) Those are lovely queries.
I went for UNREALITY CHICK. The first sentence really captured me and set the tone for the novel. I love the voice throughout. I think it's a good length and gives us the essentials, while still leaving enough open to be curious about. Aside from that it has the right length for the genre and is really unique.
ryan field says
This was hard. I kept reading them and they all looked good to me.
I wound up voting for the one I thought I'd be able shop the best.
K.L. Brady says
#1 – Wasn’t crazy about the query because I thought there were too many vague ideas. “Everything Dominic thought he knew about the universe was shattered…” Well, what did he think he knew? I’d have started there if it were my query. Kinda went downhill from there for me.
#2 – Confused the heck out of me in the last paragraph. Did he save her or not save her? I dunno. If I have to think that hard about it, the writing will probably be confusing too. Plus, at 92,000 words seemed a bit too long for YA.
#3—Shoreline. I dunno. I’d like to know how you’re gonna convince a guy to “plunge into the ocean abyss where he will die to fulfill HER ancestral obligations.” This book probably should’ve been one page long. “No!”
#4—I loved the query. The first paragraph pulled me right in. Plot was interesting and different. The problem I had was the length. 105K words for YA. Maybe for JK Rowling. Not so much for a debut novelist. I’d suggest cutting at least 30K and then resubmitting. Might require a lot of editing to pare it down. This would’ve been my first choice if it had been shorter. I might request pages to get a sample of the writing style. Very very close second.
#5 – Loved the voice. The plot seemed fun for YA. The length was good. Well-written query. I’d definitely want to see pages from this one.
Rachel Grant says
Question for Nathan on the 'head to head' aspect of this experiment:
In general, I don't think of queries as competing against each other – as in, two equally strong queries = two requests. But I also know you are busy and each request will generate more work for you in reading and follow up.
If you've read a stack of queries and already requested partials from a few, are you then less likely to request on a query that intrigues you but something is off?
Say that same query arrived on a different day, and all the other queries that day clearly don't work for you. Would the query you rejected on Monday be more viable on Thursday?
Unrepentant Escapist says
(*Lurker comes out of hiding*)
These are all a lot better than I expected…
I voted for #5 because, in my view, voice can make up for a lot of flaws and #5 had vivacity. When I was YA-aged, I loved to watch Sailor Moon because she was a clumsy, cowardly hero, like I would be if I were a magical school girl, so it caught that resonance for me. That said, I would have liked to see a little more detail about the plot. I wonder if the lingo (hotties and baddies) is current, but it works for me.
#1 was just a little too vague (What event leads to the shattering of his perceptions? What specific myths?) and there's a comma error in the first sentence. I like the title, though. And the crimes of his father sounds intriguing.
#2 There's just too many threads going on in this query for me. Some of your verbs ("affecting" doesn't really capture the pain inherent in dreaming about the bloody death of a loved one) were a turn-off. And I got confused at the end…if he can't stop the serial killer, doesn't Presley die? But I did like the title and I thought it had an interesting concept. Different than the supernatural YA I've seen, which usually involves Fairies or the Undead.
#3 This was my second favorite. I really liked the ecological bent to it. I liked the layers of multiple conflict you spelled out, and I think your writing shows the most clarity. I haven't seen a book from the point of view of a siren before so this could be good. However, I wonder how you're going to gain sympathy from the YA heavy romance crowd with a heroine who's even considering luring her ONE TRUE LOVE to his death. I also wonder why the 400-year-old debt has to suddenly be paid off now…But I would definitely flip through the first few pages.
#4 I don't know…for me the first two lines don't sparkle. They have voice, but they lack specificity. They could apply to just about any hero's journey novel out there. I'd rather see you begin with the meat of the story. But I like superheroes, and I wonder if they might not be "the next big thing" after Zombies. (WHY? Why did it have to be Zombies???) I don't know what Phaedrons are though, and you lose me when you announce they're real without telling me what they are other than "physical representations of life's virtues." Then there are Shades and Diotrope Family and…well, in the end, I'm not sure what the main conflict is or what the stakes are. And what's the difference between cosmetic superpowers and real superpowers?
But it sounds like it could be a really interesting idea. I look forward to seeing pages.
(*Lurker ducks back out of sight…*)
Nathan Bransford says
rachel-
You're right that this contest imposes a sort of artificial limit on the number of queries people can request. In real life I could request all five or none. And no, I don't have a limit on the number I request in any given time period. So queries don't compete against each other.
This is just to get people to create an informal ranking system and commit to an opinion, so that we can compare it to how things shake out when people read the actual pages.
Anonymous says
I'm confused. Is this a pitch contest, or a query letter contest? These are pitches, not really proper queries.
Jane Steen says
I'm confused by Anonymous. What's a "proper query"? These seem pretty typical of the queries I see posted on agent sites. Nobody said they had to be GREAT queries. The point, as I understand it, is to see queries from an agent's point of view and thus learn what we, as aspiring authors, should be doing.
Steve Axelrod says
This sample really shows the value of the whole query system. When you see a fresh voice, among the mass of pitches, it just dazzles you, like the windy sunshine when you step out of a stuffy house. I would ask for pages on "Unreality Chick", and read them eagerly.
Rebekkah says
I voted for Unreality Chick – I was torn between that and Shoreline, both of which are out of my normal genres. I thought that Black Emerald seemed a little too generic, especially in its opening. I was a bit confused by some of the details of I'm a Nobody, so it lost my vote because of clarity. And I Would Have Loved You Anyway just didn't grab my attention the way the others did.
Still, a great job to everybody who entered! I didn't have the guts to.
Anonymous says
What I mean is that a proper query is a business letter that states why youre writing up front, not just a novel description.
Where's the inro-"I;m seeking representation for my x word, TITLE, genre"…I'm querying you in particular because…
You know, the real letter part of it. These queries all start of with (what they hope will end up as) jacket copy. How can you frame the pitch before you even know what the genre is? And what do you want? Yeah, if you're querying an agent, it's obvious you want representation, but still, state it up front. Be clear. To me, these are really not good business letters.
Jane says
I was really impressed by the quality here. I voted for Unreality Chick, because it gave me the strongest sense of voice and character. But if I were really an Agent for a Day, I probably would have requested Shoreline as well.
Nathan Bransford says
anon-
Well, since there's no agent to personalize for, only an agent for a day, that eliminates one potential opener. And some agents recommend getting straight to the action and not bothering with "I'm writing regarding my such and such novel of such and such length" because agents see those openers a million times a day.
I think there's more than one way to tackle the opener and no right or wrong way. But just because these get straight to the action doesn't mean they're pitches instead of queries. They all have all the necessary info.
Tori says
I have not read very much YA Fantasy…but these were all great! It was SO HARD to decide, but I based my decision on not what I thought would have a good audience, what queries actually had a YA voice and so on.
The first query was interesting, but there was not enough there to make me believe it would be popular enough, although it seems like the writing would be fun.
Same with the second, but again, I didn't feel like enough people would be interested.
I ended up being torn between the third and the fifth query, and let me tell you, it was very hard to do. Both sounded fun and original, both had characters I instantly felt would be liked among many people, mainly teenaged girls. I thought both would sell quite well.
Because we can only choose one, I went with number five, but I really liked number three too!
Good luck to each of these authors!
Becca says
I really like Reality Chick. It sounds like a fairy tell gone wrong, the right way.
Amy says
To all of the writers: THANK YOU for sharing your work. And I am really REALLY looking forward to seeing pages. I love YA fantasy, so I love all of the ideas.
But I have still been unable to vote. I can see already how my vote changes based upon:
— am I an agent who auto-rejects based upon word-count?
— do I have such a full load that I need to see a perfect query & pages, or do I have a lot of time to work on revisions with an author?
— personal preference. I suspect the story I most want to read is not the one I will vote for based on Nathan's instructions. Seems funny to me.
I hope to finally decide on a vote later today. But I'll need to write down my own thoughts about each query and see what pans out when we see the pages. Already, I know I'd be an agent who would need to request sample pages with the query!
VERY interesting experiment, Nathan — thank you!!
robin says
The combination of humor and intriguing storyline got my vote — #5! I hope the pages are just as intriguing 🙂
Anonymous says
Well okay, I agree, nathan, that there is more than 1 way ti skin a cat and that when it comes right down to it, there are no rules. But I jusst thought it odd that every single one of the entries went straight to the pitch, as if it were a pure pitch contest.
Aimee says
I really liked Unreality Check. It was my second choice to I Would Have Loved You Anyway, but I chose IWHLYA because UC was too short for my taste. Oh… well it is young adult… So Unreality Check was my favorite, I guess. I usually do not like fantasy that much, but I would definitely read those two!
Tori says
I should mention that SHORELINE is the one I would want to pick up in a bookstore. I LOVE stories with Greek Mythology involved. Ultimately though I didn't think it would have quite as much of an audience as UNREALITY CHICK.
Nathan, what do you do when you really love a project, really love the voice but don't think it would sell as well? Would you choose it anyway or go with what would appeal to others more?
If you would go with what you love…I change my vote to SHORELINE! But I already know that Agents must think about what sells as well, and that is why I chose UNREALITY CHICK.
But, you never know, tomorrow I might change my mind. 😀 Depends on what the partials look like.
Nathan Bransford says
Tori-
I don't trend-watch. I go with the books that resonate with me.
JustineDell says
I am not a fan nor writer of fantasy, but I have to say these are pretty good! I had a hard time choosing, but Unreality Chick got my vote. Totally awesome voice. I can totally see this turning into a super quirky YA. I was concerned about the length…its seems short for YA, but hey – the query (and story) and voice was top notch. Alittle vague, but I have a feeling the story underneath is pretty cool.
Good job to everyone! Man, am I suddenly glad I'm not an agent.
~JD
Amy says
Anon @ 1:39 —
They may have all just gone to the "Query Shark School of Query-Writing." That's how I do my queries, too.
William says
I would request them all to be honest. They were all good. I especially thought Shoreline and Unreality Chick were good. I think Black Emerald has a lot of appeal, but it reminds me of Percy Jackson and I don't like Percy Jackson. Of course I bet reading the first page of this could change my mind, as reading the first page of Percy Jackson almost made me put down the book.
I can't wait to read the first 30 pages!
Southpaw says
This was interesting the books I would read for pleasure where different from the one I picked "to represent as an agent. It is all about the query. The style, mood, even mechanical errors all swayed my choice.
Thaddeus Glapp says
The problem is that a good book won't necessarily have a good query. If I listed my top five favorite books they'd pretty well all have boring, cliched queries.
Example: "The life story of the barber of Port William, as told by himself." That's the tag line for one of the most beautiful books I've ever read. Are you telling me that's going to work in a query?
I have no doubt that a query can weed out writers that have no business querying to begin with but a query letter is no indication at all of whether a book is any good.
I'm glad I'll never have to write another.