Alright then! You have seen the queries, now it’s time to take a look at the pages to see which partial you think represents the strongest work and would be most likely to sell to a publisher. Thinking like an agent and setting aside which one you would be most likely to read in your spare time, which one do you think has the best chance of selling? Like the busy Agent for a Day that you are, you only need to read as far as you need to in order to make a decision.
I created individual posts for each of the entries so as not to make this post 150 pages long. Here they are (please ignore all formatting issues, which are due to copying over, though this is actually true to life):
I’M A NOBODY
I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY
SHORELINE
BLACK EMERALDS
UNREALITY CHICK
Annnnnd as I mentioned yesterday, please be exceedingly, ridiculously, incredibly nice to the participants who have so bravely offered their queries and sample pages to science.
The poll!! (click through if you’re reading in an RSS feed or via e-mail):
UPDATE 2:59 Whoops! While housecleaning on the blog I accidentally published a rough draft of tomorrow’s post, which may have been caught by some feed readers. Sorry for the inconvenience, full post tomorrow.
The query I voted for did not get my partial vote. That went to UNREALITY CHICK, which I read first since it had the most votes.
I read it straight through and laughed out loud more than once. In a few spots the language is a little "adult talking like teen," but overall, I loved it. Really, really loved it. Somebody please sign this author so I can read the rest! My two teen daughters would eat this up, especially the romantic element.
SHORELINE was my second choice. The first line is a terrific opener. However, this wasn't my query choice, either. Makes me wonder why some agencies don't want to see a sample.
Thanks for this exercise, Nathan! Very enlightening.
I'm sticking with SHORELINE.
Good work by all the authors. Hope this contest helps something pop for all of them.
oh and neither of those were the query I voted for yesterday
Nathan, have you noticed that the two stories running neck-in-neck in the lead are the only two submitted in Courier font?
Coincidence? Or does font affect people's impression of the writing?
keith-
I think it's a coincidence.
When reading the queries, I was torn between SHORELINE and UNREALITY CHICK. UNREALITY CHICK had a nice voice, but SHORELINE had the most intriguing and unique hook. I went with SHORELINE, but it fell on the low side of the votes.
On the excerpts, again only SHORELINE and UNREALITY CHICK held my attention. But here, the SHORELINE author's voice stood out more, and I still feel it has the most unique plot. I went with SHORELINE again.
I noticed that now the votes for SHORELINE have gone way up (though it's early yet). Perhaps this means that the author's query needs work, but (s)he has some solid opening pages. A possible failure of the query process, but then again some, like me, voted for it in both cases. I imagine one or two agents would have done the same.
Thanks all 5 authors for putting yourselves out there. I hope this exercise will help you!
That was tough! I think SHORELINE had the most technically strong (and gorgeous!) opening, but the pacing and voice of UNREALITY CHICK get my vote.
I do think the first chapter could benefit from a little less dialogue and a little more time spent exploring the protagonist, and some of the slang they used felt a little off to me – but maybe that's because I cursed like a sailor when I was their age. 🙂 But all in all, a strong opening!
I’m looking forward to reading the excerpts and voting later today.
I see Pinky and the Brain are still hard at work. Great picture!
Reading I switched my vote from "I would have loved you anyway" to "Shoreline".
Maybe I'm to old but her feelings for Jack seemed to switch from sentence to sentence. In "Shoreline" the character seemed to have some consistency.
Maybe its just thoughts of someone more than twice the target age not expecting the characters emotions to switch so quickly and often.
Well, this was really interesting – and taught me I've been very wrong about something – something not quite on the main track of this exercise, but related.
All of these were quite good and had definite potential, but I felt they would all need polishing and tweaking prior to publication. I can see the agent's challenge – to read pieces that are not quite finished, and imagine from that final projects that will glow.
As an aside, I also wanted to dig in and make editing changes myself. If I were an agent, it would take restraint to only make suggestions, and let the author do the work.
So, I've been wrong, I think, in disagreeing with you, Nathan, when you say the fit between client and agent is important. My stance has been that an agent should be able to work with a good writer regardless, but I think you're right. The fit is important. Unless the agent happened to stumble onto pure gold out of the box, this would become a long term project – and personality match and perspective would be very important.
On the other hand, it was a great relief that I was right about some other things. Which is about the query, and I'm sure I'll ramble on about that tomorrow.
I do want to say – again – that I thought all of the writing was good and had great potential, and I would be very interested in seeing ANY of these books in final form!
I was torn between Shorline and Reality Chick, but Shoreline won. All of the samples were great, but I definitely liked these two the most. Thanks again to all of the authors who submitted queries and samples for us to pick apart! You guys are very brave.
Thanks to the brave authors who offered their queries and pages for review! My thoughts:
#1) I like the opening scene, but I didn't really get a good feel for the characters, so I wasn't completely drawn into the action or tension. I think the pages would improve if the reader could better identify with the MC and actually "feel" the stakes. When Jennifer fills Dominic in on everything, it was almost too easy for him to get all the information out of her. There's potential here, but it needs some polishing to stand out.
#2) There's a lot of "telling" instead of "showing" in this narration, which may be why I had a difficult time getting into the story and the characters. I was never fully drawn in. Perhaps the problem is, the story opens with the MC receiving a threatening letter but because I don't know much about the MC (or anyone else), I have no reason to care.
#3) I like the opening scene, as it sets the stage well, and showing the MC using her powers helps me feel like I "know" her. I noticed a few minor problems in the excerpt, such as the MC knowing Nate's name without him telling her, but overall I thought the writing was really strong and had a good pace. I read the entire thing and it left me wanting more. In my opinion, this is the clear winner.
#4) I had a difficult time getting into this because it opens with a discussion between people – and about people – that I don't know or care about yet. I think "showing" instead of "telling", especially at the beginning, could help a lot. The premise is interesting, but the characters should come to life first to really shine.
#5) I like the way the action begins almost immediately after showing a little about the characters. However, parts felt a little choppy and the dialogue was sometimes stilted, which kept me from getting really into the story.
FYI, the voting totals incorrect. One of the entry had more votes after I voted than it now does.
MY bad. There are two polls. One for query. One for exerpt. Need. More. Coffee.
I went with Unreality Check because it really kept me engaged, but Shoreline was a close second–and its concept seems to have more built-in commercial potential.
Completely fascinating experiment!
Yesterday I was torn between SHORELINE and UNREALITY CHICK—really loved the spunky voice of UNREALITY CHICK's query, but was slightly more intrigued by SHORELINE's premise, so ultimately went with SHORELINE.
Today I was immediately hooked by SHORELINE's opening, and loved the voice and world and character set-up. Yes it could use a few editorial tweaks, but to me it felt the most like a book out of all the sample pages. UNREALITY CHICK didn't grab me—all the dialogue at the beginning was kind of off-putting for me.
Very interested to see the outcome of all this!
Thanks to all five brave souls for donating their queries and sample pages to science!! I salute you!
Today I'm torn between SHORELINE and UNREALITY CHICK. If I were an actual agent, I would absolutely request both.
Unreality Chick didn't grab me as a query because after the first paragraph it was so vague. But the excerpt rocked my world.
A gentle, pat-on-the-back to all who got their work posted. The word verification is "pawkshi", and I have to think it refers to a combination of courage and ambition. Well done.
My choice was the same as my query choice: Shoreline. Cinematic, well-written, and breezily clever. I didn't even have to get past page one.
Like others, I had a hard time choosing between SHORELINE and UNREALITY CHICK. Had to go with UNREALITY CHICK because I liked the sense of humor and the voice was more engaging.
But, yeah, some of the others need a bit more editing.
When it came to the queries, I thought Unreality Chick and Black Emeralds were fairly close. The Unreality Chick query was less confusing, but I couldn't stand the title, so I voted for Black Emeralds.
This time I voted for Unreality Chick, (good beginning!) but the title still seems off to me.
I thought the query letter for I Would Have Loved You Anyway was the best one, and I think that this writer is very talented and has come up with a wonderful, marketable premise. However, from the pages, I think the story itself still needs a lot more work and a better starting point, and the style needs more polishing.
I thought the pages for Unreality Chick were the best. From the query I didn't expect to like this, but the story itself is superbly written. The writer has a real gift for dialogue, and a knack of injecting just the right amount of humour into the magic of the story. I would love to read it all, and can see this book selling!
I'd like to add that, were I a new agent, I might have learned that it's best to zero in on the idea first and look for clues in the query that makes you think the writer has a good voice and knows what they're doing beyond the query process. In other words: look through the query, don't let a slightly awkward and/or unwieldy effort kill the chances of a marketable idea.
The converse seems true, as well. If the query is tight but the idea is off, unless you're in the business of selling queries, it may be best to pass.
Well… I voted for Black Emeralds yesterday, but the writing just didn't hold up. I lost interest really fast.
I'm a Nobody confused me.
Shoreline didn't capture my imagination.
Unreality Chick… I liked the dialogue, but the narration just dragged and my eyes started glazing over.
I Would Have Loved You Anyway… I totally acknowledge what everyone said about difficulties with the writing. Yet the first person was much stronger and better than the others, and more importantly, this story captured my imagination like none of the others did. It needs editing, I might need a lot of these chapters deleted…but I still want to keep reading. And that makes me think that this story has the most potential of the five. At least for me. (Yes, obviously there is a lot of personal preference involved here.)
So that's why I voted for I Would Have Loved You Anyway, even though it might not necessarily be the cleanest, technically, of the five.
If I were selecting a book to BUY, it would be Unreality Chick hands down.
However, if I'm an agent trying to sell a book to an editor, I have to go with Shoreline. The author has much better control of first person than the Unreality Chick author. The UC author uses "I" to the point of distraction.
Shoreline is also in first person, but she had much better control. Her voice was strong and distinct. The plot was interesting enough to hold my attention. It's not my usual genre but the technical skills were better.
I'd definitely be willing to work with the author of Unreality Chick if she was open to making some edits though. Lots of potential there. Fun story, great voice.
I didn't select Shoreline from the queries yesterday. It's was probably my third choice. If the author spices up the query I think they could get some interest–if they haven't already.
With that said, thanks to those who submitted their work and allowed us to play agent for a couple of days. You're brave souls.
My favourite query was I Would Have Loved You Anyway, and the relationship between Presley and Jack looked interesting, but the writing in Unreality Chick just grabbed me.
Excellent entries though, and I would say all of them have great potential even if some were not my thing.
For me, Shoreline had the best writing, but Unreality Chick was the most engaging – despite the tell-not-show of her 'niceness' at the very beginning. It's a close call, but again I'm going for Unreality Chick as I did in the query stage. I can't wait to hear Nathan's view.
If I didn't understand the importance of a solid query letter before, I do now. I didn't love Unreality Chick's query but the sample pages totally rocked. I'd ask for a full MS based on the the writing – which is polished, fun and fresh. Great voice!
Unreality Chick with a one word comment… Voice.
I liked the opening paragraph of Shoreline.
I really liked the voice of I'm Nobody (though the intro could use work, since there were way too many unanswered questions).
I liked the query of Black Emerald best, and that was my least favorite partial.
Unreality Chick seems to be the favorite (on both query and partial, now that I see the results) and I lost interest in that partial very early on, so didn't keep reading.
Yes, it's definitely hard to make a strong correlation. I think I judged the query more on the plot and the partial more on the voice. However, if the plot isn't strong enough to pique my interest, then it doesn't matter how great the voice is, in truth.
So maybe the take away is that great writers can get passed over if their story doesn't have enough of a hook. Maybe that's why sub-standard writing gets published more often than we'd like. Hmmm…
I loved the first line of Shoreline. Overall, it was my favorite, thanks to voice that seemed authentic. I do have to say that the ritual or whatever she was doing in the beginning was sort of confusing at that point. I'm not a reader of fantasy or paranormal, so introducing the powers in that way may be standard.
Unreality Chick also had potential, though I needed something else to convince me about the protagonist's motivation. Simply being called "nice" by a lot of people doesn't seem bad enough to motivate someone to go wild and do crazy stuff (although climbing a tree is not that crazy – maybe that's part of the humor that didn't quite catch me).
The other three all seemed to have similiar issues. There was a lot of telling, rather than showing. #1 had several errors that turned me off. #2 seemed to need to pump up the shock value of getting a death threat (I think I would have started with the main character picking up the envelope rather than the backstory about the party). I was disappointed in #4, which had the query I voted for. The dialogue seemed stiff, which was surprising, given the voice I liked in the query. AND there was the dreaded PoDD (Paragraph of Detailed Description) right at the beginning.
Interesting exercise! Thanks for the opportunity!
I chose Unreality Chick. I was between that and I'm a Nobody, but since, from just the query letter I wouldn't have asked for a partial of I'm a Nobody, Unreality Chick has my voice for consistency.
(but if I somehow did get the 30 pages from I'm a Nobody, I'd probably ask for that manuscript as well)
Something I noticed about the samples, with Shoreline and Unreality Chick sweeping the voting: the other three samples are by no means terrible. They may be just one level of polish away from the two vote-getters, but the stringent voting requirement (only pick one) is sweeping them out of the running. It's interesting to me that broad no's don't mean "this bites" so much as "it's not at the very top" which is somehow comforting to me. Querying is, metaphorically, a pass/fail course, and this exercise shows me that the "fail"–the form rejection–might in any other class rank as high as a B+.
Like most on here, my two favorites were Shoreline and Unreality Chick.
I voted for the 'Unreality' query because of the strength of the voice, and was glad to see that also rang true in the story sample. This writer clearly got into the head of the character.
In general, I think people underestimate how critical tone/voice are to first person POV. Your protag has to command that perspective in the strongest possible way, or it will always seem lifeless/flat.
The story ideas for all five are really solid (IMO). I think it's just a matter of execution, and Unreality seemed to be handled the best (at least at this point).
My faith in Unreality Chick was certainly not unfounded. The writing is snappy and grand (the awesome kind), just like the query. Compelling enough to keep me writing all the way through, in spite of the fact that I generally find YA dullsville. Could this sell? You bet your sweet tuckus it would.
I Would Have Loved You Anyway has fairly solid writing like its query, but I'm just not feeling it. Is it marketable? Probably. I dunno, it almost feels like it needs more polish before I would request more.
The writing on Shoreline is also quite strong. The query didn't do anything for me, but if the query got to a point where I would request this partial, I would totes request more.
Black Emeralds, like the query, I just can't get behind. I mean by all accounts it's good, but I'm just not feeling it.
As I suspected, the writing on I'm A Nobody is good, but like with Shoreline, it's let down by the query, which is of course vital in reaching this stage. Based on what I read through, I would request more.
And like before, we have a tie. Except now it's three way instead of two way.
Shoreline is definitely better written, but Nobody feels more engaging. On a marketing front, to my untrained eyes, they seem more or less equal, because both definitely seem like they have different ends of the YA market in mind. Of the two, I'm going with Shoreline.
So that leaves Shoreline v Unreality Chick. Shoreline is still technically better written, but there's just something about Unreality Chick, man. Tough. Very tough call. In the end though, I'm going to stick behind who I championed in the last round as well.
My vote goes to Unreality Chick.
This was interesting … I was a split voter. I thought Uunreality Chick was the best query, but then read Shoreline and switched my vote based on those pages. It was an interesting example (for me) of a query that didn't quiet convey the voice and appeal of the pages themselves.
I voted for UNREALITY CHICK because the story moved along quickly, it was tightly written for the most part, and I think it would sell. (This wasn't the query letter I had voted for, but I had a much better feel for the story while reading the excerpt itself.)
I think that SHORELINE has some really beautiful writing. If parts of it were tightened up, I would definitely be interested in reading more if I were an agent.
I learned something in doing this exercise. None of the excerpts were examples of bad writing. Probably because there are so many writers today, the Internet is filled with snarky remarks about queries and aspiring writers. In my opinion, none of that is justified. Because there is such stiff competition to get published doesn’t mean an unpublished writer is a bad writer. In fact, I’ve read wildly popular best-selling YA novels that aren’t anywhere nearly as well-written as all the samples in this contest. Congratulations to all the brave souls whose queries and excerpts were voted on and critiqued during this contest!
Wow.
My choice this time was different from the query choice I made yesterday. In fact, totally different. And I honestly didn't feel strong about my query choice, but I do feel strong about this one: Shoreline.
This was very close between Shoreline and Unreality Chick. I chose Unreality Chick, but my memory of the queries probably made the difference. The query for Shoreline didn't impress me much but the actual excerpt seemed strong.
Folks have posted plenty of commentary, so I won't retread. In short, I felt Unreality had the best technical presentation, Shoreline the best emotion.
I wish the author of Shoreline would tighten up the sentences, improve the dialogue tags, and do a better job presenting the non-main characters; they blurred together a bit.
I wish the author of Unreality Chick would keep the main character's voice, but give me as a reader a bit more faith that the real world will matter. C.S. Lewis could pull off spending most of the book in Narnia because the reader got to care about the main characters before they stepped through the wardrobe.
I’ve been thinking more about SHORELINE. I would still vote for UNREALITY CHICK in this contest; but, if I were a real agent, I would ask for the full manuscript for SHORELINE. The description of the main character at the very beginning of the story has stuck with me since I read it. This could be a really interesting book.
I thought the opening chapter of shoreline was excellent and hooked me more than the others (well done to everyone though, they were all great!)
one thing in regards to shoreline, "Call me team switzerland" comment completely pulled me out of the story and suddenly I was thinking 'twilight', which I don't think the author might wanting to happen? It also dates the work IMO.
Really enjoyed it though 🙂
I picked one query then picked a DIFFERENT excerpt as my favorite. The query and its excerpt were both well-written, but I felt that only one of the stories dove into the meat of the story immediately. My experience with teens suggests that the one that gets to the story fastest is the one they'll read. Of course, some read for atmosphere and some for escape; but most like to get started FAST!
Also, in the excerpt of the query I liked best, the language that a TEEN would use was excluded…and I think many young people would skrintch their faces up and move on…not all, but many of the ones I know. It seems like…pandering to the adult…hmmm…not sure I can express what I mean here…
Anyway…thanks for a peek into your job! Appreciate it!
Why does everyone write in the first person?
Unreality Chick made me laugh and kept my interest, so I voted for that, though Shoreline looks good too.
I almost picked Unreality Chick, but in the end I went with Shoreline.
As much as I love the voice in Unreality Chick, I'd be somewhat worried about fantasy cliches. Exiled prince who find the girl narrator beautiful even though she doesn't think so, and while it's still early in the novel, nothing about the fantasy world seems to stand out from generic Tolkien-esque forest lands. Spells, swords, and leather, you know?
Shoreline had a more original premise, and while the voice wasn't quite as initially engaging to me, I really found both the narrator and the plot getting more and more interesting as I read.
I'd want to hang out with Unreality Chick, but I want to hear Shoreline's story.
I thought UNREALITY CHICK had the strongest query.
I didn't read far into any of the samples–after all, I'm a busy pretend agent–but I thought the strongest writing was UNREALITY CHICK and SHORELINE. It was a toss-up between those two–SHORELINE certainly had the best opening paragraph. I would have continued reading both of them once I got off the phone with Arthur Levine.
Because I had to vote, I eventually settled for UNREALITY CHICK.
Good job, all entrants. I salute your courage and wish you all the best in your writing endeavors.
I have to say that the query for Unreality Chick did not win me over; I liked the idea, but found the query itself written a little too much in the voice of a teenage girl and that weakened my faith in the author's ability to craft a good story, so it was not my pick in the last round. (Which is not to say that I don't think teenage girls can write awesome books, but just that this particular query didn't inspire confidence in me.)
It is my pick in this round. I found it to be entertaining, engaging, and very well paced. It was clever but also easily accessed.
Hi Nathan,
Kuddos to you. You have a great job and you also must have a lot of patients. Of the queries, I liked Shoreline and Unreality Chick. I voted for Unreality Chick because I liked the voice of the writer.
Of the excerpts, I didn't get past the first chapter of any except Unreality Chick. For the most part, it was due to poor grammar/punctuation and lack of editing. Shoreline was better written than the others, but it moved too slowly and I got bored with it.
On another note, how does one become a literary agent?
I've read them and too be honest i couldn't read all 30 pages of any of them. Most of them i didn't get past chapter 1.
#1 – i like the story, concept and practically everything – the two things stopping me from reading all of it were the grammar and the flow, perhaps that was due to the formatting as it was copied over i don't know.
#2 I just couldn't get into it and the revelation of the superpowers felt a bit forced and i think there were some grammar and you were jumping around tenses at one point – i had to re-read a few bits so at that point, i went no.
#3 Again i couldn't get into it. it was nicely written but your characters didn't come alive for me.
#4 You have a really good hook at the beginning but i was confused as to where Kayden was coz sometimes you made if feel like he was part of the conversation even though you said he was eavesdropping so that made me stop reading.
#5 why i stopped reading was that she saw some hills she's never noticed before and goes i'm in a coma or dead – you've set up she's smart, she'll know she's not comatose or dead.
If i was an editing agent then perhaps i would've persisted with "I'm a nobody" but i still thinks that needs a fair bit of work to be able to send to publishers. I managed to reach chapter 2 with "I would have loved you anyway" and "unreality chick".
In alot of these pages the writing doesn't stand out for me – their nice and bland. I'm not quite sure who to vote for because i don't think any i would want to send to publishers or sell. They may well sell, i've seen a lot of books that imo have bland writing and characters that don't seem alive and sell. I feel the "i'm a nobody" and the "Black Emeralds" writing better but i don't think they are ready to send to publishers yet.
I voted for Shoreline because the writing was the most polished, with a good balance between the ecology plot and the mysterious hottie plot, and lots of neat regional details that really ground the setting.
Unreality Chick was my runner-up. It's fast-paced and funny, with a great narrative voice. However, like others, I didn't get a good sense of the world she finds herself in (besides "generic fantasy world") and the dialogue didn't quite ring true for me.
Interestingly, I didn't vote for either of these at the query stage.