People often say to me: “Listen, agent person (they don’t actually call me this). You agent blogging people always talk about what not to do in a query, why not talk about what people should do in a query!”
The people have spoken. They want things they should do.
And here’s what I think is one of the very most important thing to do in a query: be as specific as possible. Allow me to be even more specific: be as specific as possible about the right things.
When I say “be specific” I don’t mean that we need to know every character’s name and the name of every city and place in the Realm of Unpronounceable Cities and Places. In other words, I don’t think it’s a good idea for your query to read along the lines of, “Morfor travels to the Uwn’uim Square in the town of Zxcimist in order to meet his brother Phoidum.”
When I say be specific I also don’t mean that we need to get bogged down in tangential details either, like ages and hair colors and other things characters are doing if they don’t play a major role in the story.
Instead I mean this: be as specific as possible about the plot.
I get so many queries that read (literally, though this is made up for the purposes of this post) like this:
Character Name is living peacefully in Hometown. But then a life-changing event occurs that changes everything. Secrets are revealed that turn her life upside down. Character Name faces grave danger as she embarks on a quest to save her people. This novel is filled with humor and passion and suspense and romance, and there’s a shocking twist that leaves the reader breathless.
Being vague leaves an agent with so many questions: What are the secrets? What is the life-changing event? What is the danger she’s facing? What happens that is funny and suspenseful and romantic?
When all of these key details are kept hidden the query ends up sounding like… well, pretty much every novel ever written. And chances are an agent is going to move on to the next query.
Replace that vagueness with key details and suddenly the query comes alive. Let’s try that query about Character Name again, hmm?
Angelina lives with her cats in Moonville, an outer space colony known more for its knitting festivals than anything resembling excitement. But when Moonville is invaded by cat-eating space monkeys, Angelina learns that her cats aren’t ordinary cats: they are actually hyper-intelligent feline assassins who can kill their enemies with a flick of a paw. And they need a leader. Angelina has to leave her knitting behind to defeat the space monkeys, and an intrepid and handsome space explorer named Brad may hold the key.
I think when writers face the daunting task of condensing their work down to a few sentences it’s tempting to simply say “shocking secrets are revealed” rather than trying to sum up in just a line or two what are, in the novel, complicated and nuanced events. I know it’s tricky to do this.
Also, there’s a balance between being specific and being concise. You don’t want to be so specific that you’re boring down to what the character ate for lunch on the way to slay the space monkeys. But it’s utterly, utterly necessary to give the agent some glimpse into what actually happens.
As always, specificity wins.
Hey! That sounds like my plot!
I'm taking the space monkeys in the tournament. They play above the rim.
Ugh! I just sent you a query not five minutes before you posted this. I hope it's specific enough.
Ha. I love this example. Thanks for posting it.
I want to by the cat-eating space monkey book!
I like this new positive "do this" more that the negative "don't do that". And I like when I like things.
Morfor is known as Mofo to his friends.
"hyper-intelligent feline assassins" – Aha! So that's what my cats are!
Seriously, isn't it amazing how this little letter we call a "query" can be dissected in a thousand different ways, and still be so difficult to get "right?"
My agent asked me to write a query and synopsis before she begins working on her pitch letter. I almost had a coronary. I thought I was done with that, but no – the fun continues…
Excellent! And thereby showing what's unique about your story – I like the Unpronounceables – I think your onto something else.
Thanks for sharing your KQ tips!
Since you boiled your helpful query advice down to one word, here's one word from me: Thanks.
Your word really says it all.
I'd ask for a partial, based on that query. (The reworked one.)
OMG, I think you're the funniest person I've ever read!
Brilliant… I'm taking the killer cats.
I agree with Surly Jason.
Explicating good query form is quite useful for those of us about to query.
Amen.
Thanks for this. It's very easy to want to write the query like jacket copy. There's a big difference between trying to catch a potential reader's attention, and trying to garner an agent's interest.
So will Angelina's story be your next venture after the Jacob Wonderbar series?
Great advice. And, yes, now I want a book about cat-eating space monkeys. Darn you.
But what about for non-fiction? Can we have a "do" for non-fiction?
Feline assassins vs. space monkeys? I love it! (There are also a few colorful adult jokes that could be made out of that battle, but I'm keeping it PG)
I think the hardest part for us writers is realizing it's okay to not be so secretive about the key parts to the story. When we're writing, we try so hard to take the reader on a fun journey without making it so obvious where the story is going as to have them grow bored with it. Then when it gets to the query process it feels like, "if I tell you all the really good parts, why would you sit through the whole story?"
I hope you wrote that book. It sounds funny.
Yes! I see a lot of general examples of this on blogs like Query Shark. I find it a bit annoying to read "But when her major life-changing shocking secret is revealed" and still have no clue what the secret actually is. (Perhaps these people are trying to follow cover copy too closely, and fear revealing the secret as a spoiler. Spoil us!)
Double points for working in space monkeys.
I am so not showing that book to my cats. I don't want to give them any ideas.
Seriously, when does Jacob Wonderbar come out? Because you're a funny man, Mr. Bransford.
LOL! All I could think of was Laser Cats from the SNL skit with Andy Samberg.
You should write that book. I'd read it.
Thank you for being helpful.
I expect to be reimbursed for the damage done to my keyboard after I sputtered into laughter.
Dripping, sopping corn flakes and electronics do not mix.
I would totally read the monkey-killing space cat book.
Thanks for the pointers, Nathan. I'm ready to start querying for my novel, and your wildly entertaining example gives me an idea about how to proceed. (No cat-eating space monkeys in my book, sadly, but there is kudzu, a corpse and a pumpkin cannon…)
I think you have invented a sparkling new genre, Nathan; craft cozy fantasy! Must be a market.
"Angelina learns that her cats aren't ordinary cats: they are actually hyper-intelligent feline assassins who can kill their enemies with a flick of a paw."
… Um… but that IS an ordinary cat.
And I'll take Ninja Cats by 5 points. Their point guard is a rebound genius, and I heard that the starting center for the Space Monkeys is out for five days with Hairballs-by-proxy (consequence of an all-feline diet).
What a fun and useful post. Being postive IS the best way to get your message across.
@Rick: It's actually cat-eating space monkeys, but I think Nathan could pitch it either way. Maybe a choose your own adventure?
I hope your wife appreciates how adorable you are.
When I started reading this, it reminded me of some of the "stories" read in my writing group. Those "stories" did not have a plot. They did not have a problem. I wonder how many queries you receive that are not detailed because the book is missing a plot.
You know, I actually wanna read that manuscript. Cat assassins? space monkeys? Please send me the first 3 chapters. Thanks!
It seems like the key is to still have SOMETHING that will make the agent want to read some of it, right? In your example, some new guy may have the key to fixing everything, that's about perfect. So, it's good to leave something unanswered, otherwise why bother reading the book, right?
When I queried my first book, I found out that I had revealed every bit of information, including the ending , and that was a big no-no. I really wanted them to know the ending wasn't what you'd predict, but maybe I should have written, "The ending isn't what you'd predict."
Seems like a tough balance.
Okay, there is something seriously wrong with me. Why, out of all of that, am I most left with this desire to start calling you "agent person."
OMG, I have to call you that. I just do. I do, I do.
So, agent person (!!!!!!), thank you so much for this post on what to do, a post I think is totally on target. I've read some of the queries on your forum and at Rick D's query slushpile, and there are some that do exactly this!!! I don't know how you knew that, you must go to the forum and look at queries there too, because this is great advice.
And I'll echo the other posters, that book is the funniest thing I've ever seen. You must write that…..agent person.
Morfor, Phoidum? It's OK Nathan, I use word ver to name my characters too. 😉
I think as writers we find it difficult to condense all the complexities of our novels into a single paragraph. This shows why it's very important to get it done and do it right. Doesn't hurt to make it sound exciting either. Great post.
Space Monkeys! Brilliant!
Thanks for elaborating on what does work in a query. It's difficult to reduce so many words and thoughts into a brief summary of the story.
In the meantime, it also forces me to analyze other elements of the novel (theme, story arc, etc.) That helps me in trying to achieve specificity for the query, and the short synopsis.
Thanks, Nathan, for keeping up the writing posts (especially for those of us not sports-minded), while running your basketball challenge.
anon-
Good point – I think it's okay to leave the ending a mystery in the query, but everything else in the plot (inciting incident, complications, character arc) should be included.
Great – I was trying to keep my space monkey book under wraps and now everyone will be writing about them. Maybe I'll make them vampire space monkeys instead. 🙂
Thanks for the advice and example.
Focusing on the story's inciting incident and then outlining a few key complications–to give the agent an idea of how big a story will bloom out of the premise–is probably the most economical way (in terms of space on the query page) to get that agent interested in reading more.
Boy, that was a long sentence.
I would actually read that.
I have read on other agent blogs, "Make your query read like back-of-book jacket copy."
And then they wonder why they get queries like your first example.
Your advice? Way better.
This post was so…. helpful Nathan! Thank you…thank you… thank you!
I think writers don't want to give too much away and that's their downfall. We all like to experiance the story for ourselves, however nobody will experiance it if you can't get the darn thing published.
Again many thanks…
How about I take your query and write a novel about it?
Thank you! This post is very, very helpful! *goes to specific-ify query*
I´m just going to say that was the best god damn story idea I´ve ever read lol.
Oh, shades of Dave Barry! You should definitely have an occasional Ask Mr. Agent Person post.
Thank you for the post.
You used the random name generator didn't you?! Hilarious query, Nathan! Great post.