Every writer I know, whether they’ve written one novel, two novels, or twenty-five novels, at some point had to deal with the “Am I crazies” before they found publication.
You probably know what I’m talking about: the “Am I crazies” are that feeling you get where you’re spending so much time writing a novel or multiple novels, your friends and family are wondering what you’re doing, and you have no idea whatsoever whether you will ever see publication. You could be spending your hours writing the great American novel or you could be writing something that will only be read by your critique partners. No way of knowing. That’s when you stare at the ceiling and wonder, “Am I crazy for spending so much time doing this?”
The “Am I Crazies” are a natural result of writing a novel without having any idea whether the novel will find its way to publication, which is… you know, every novel by an unpublished author. This feeling can also be a pernicious, crippling force for some writers as they struggle with self-doubt and try to keep going without knowing what the future will bring.
So. How do you deal with the “Am I crazies” and keep yourself writing?
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Art: Edvard Munch – Melancholy
I ask myself, “Am I crazy” every time I realize that I actually have the arrogance to think that I have something important to write and that others will want to read it.
I ask myself, “Am I crazy”, every time I realize that I have an incessant internal conflict: On the one hand, I’m certain that I will never finish this novel, but on the other hand, I know that it will be published.
I ask myself, “Am I crazy”, every time I realize that I don’t really believe I can do this, but then a firm, confident internal voice says that I must do this. I cannot quit. I will do this.
I ask myself, “Am I crazy”, every time I realize that I am afraid that I will fail and I am afraid that I will succeed.
I ask myself, “Am I crazy”, every time I want to quit, I mean – I want to quit writing – and then I realize, no, I don’t –I never want to quit writing.
How do I deal with the “Am-I-crazies” ?
– I write despite that it makes me crazy.
– Now, how do I deal with other people who think that I am crazy?
Well, that's another story.
– I write to spite them.
I never asked myself that question, because I started young and didn't know any better. My first short story was published in 1977, with a small press award, when I had just turned 19. By that time I had already written two novel drafts and was collecting rejections from publishers (including one who wrote, "I can imagine that the book is publishable," and who took it upon himself to forward the ms. to another publisher he thought was a better fit).
I wrote because I would go crazy if I didn't write. Years of multiple-shift work almost did that to me (I never expected to make a living off my writing), but I still kept a journal and managed to turn out some articles and other written work. It just wasn't the written work that truly fed my soul.
When my stories and poems were being published in the 80s and I was getting some attention, I experienced something entirely different: not fear of failure, but fear of success. Rejection slips were usually kind, and their effect was to spur me on to keep trying and do better. On the other hand, the thought of interacting with fellow pros at conventions terrified me, mainly because I had put everyone on pedestals. Oops.
Also, I never looked at writing as a "career," though I have sold both creative and corporate work. For me it's a state of being (which I later discovered comes closer to the primary meaning of "career" — a course of action through life). So I really have no expectations; it just is. I send stuff out, keep my fingers crossed, am thrilled when someone says yes, realize it's part of the drill when someone says no, and keep on keepin' on.
And I take every chance I get to point people to Marge Piercy's empowering poem, "For the young who want to," at
https://rpo.library.utoronto.ca/poem/1610.html
"The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy." – A. Camus
Sometimes I even believe it.
I deal with the crazies by reading blogs like this where I can relate to other writers. I also go back and read the beginning 10 chapters of my WIP and enjoy the "crazy" characters who have become real people and not just characters in my head–then I realize, I'm writing what I know, crazy Southern town, crazy relatives, crazy life. This, my seventh novel, has become a catharsis and is allowing me to stay sane!
Nathan, I do believe you'd better save this one for your "Best Posts Ever" section.
I've just gone back and read everything that everyone else has written. Some of it has made me laugh; some of it has almost made me cry. It's such a soul-comforting thing to know that all the quirks of my mind and thought-processes are not singular, and do not indicate advanced dementia. It all just means that I am a "normal" writer.
I love ya'll! Thank you to everyone who's posted a comment. 🙂
The only thing that cures me of the "Am-I-crazies" is when someone reads my novel and likes it. And then I don't feel so delusional.
You're playing my song here Nathan! I've been there for about a month. One of the first things I do – after crying and blubbering to a blank word document – is browse the bookstore. I don't look for a good book, I look for bad ones, ones I wouldn't read if the author paid me to because the autor paid me to. (Yes, there are some book that get published that the writer sucked.)
Then I re-read some of my favorite novels and dream. Then I think about my novel obsessively, and dream up new and exciting things for my characters to do, and write it up, even if it has nothing to do with the novel.
If that doesn't get my self confidence going again, I think of all the things my friend and family are out doing to fill their boredom hours and realize, writing is more important than getting published.
Getting published – whether or not its a paid publication – is on my bucket list. If I accomplish that while I'm still this young, I'll have to come up with one more thing on THAT list.
……..dhole
word verif: viting. Close enough . .
Well, often I think it would be great and far more convenient if writing were optional. I could have been healthy and content, but I write every day. I've always felt compelled to write and honestly don't understand anyone who doesn't have the compulsion. I mean, what's breathing for? What would be the point of living without this disease?
Yes, we're crazy. But if there's no cure, mental health is moot. Writers write even when unpaid, which explains why the market pays so badly.
There's a quote I have right next to my monitor at work.
"The remote possibility of the best thing is always better than absolute certainty of the second best thing." George Eliot. I may have paraphrased that as I can't find the quote. While looking for the quote though I came across this gem, "Great things are not done by impulse but by a series of small things brought together" also George Eliot. It is the passion that gets us started, but the discipline and perseverance that makes art happen.
I read published novels.
I keep going because I can not NOT write. Even though my writing path is uncertain, I never think of it as a waste of time. To stop writing would rip my heart out.
Denial is good. Also, being where I am which is the second draft of the first novel, I can still tell myself I am writing for myself. It isn't "out there" yet, so it still belongs to me.
Who knows how crazy I will feel once I start asking trusted readers to take a look at it …
Whether published or not, actually finishing a novel to THE END is an accomplishment. A lot of people want to write a novel… only a very small percentage of them actually do it. Doing it helps to silence the crazies.
I realize that this means that I am sane. If this thought never crossed my mind, I would really have a problem.
I (mentally) pull out my collection of compliments I've received from beta readers, some of whom were complete randoms from the interwebs. I may or may not get published, but I've had more than one complete random, even some randoms known for, shall we say, exceptionally vigorous critiques, tell me they would pay cash money for a copy of my book.
So. Yeah. Someone said I was marginally good at this. Once or twice. I live on those. Because every time one of those happens, I get this warm fuzzy feeling. Even recalling them is pretty warm and fuzzy.
When that doesn't work, I think about what the cosplayers of my characters will look like. Alcohol is sometimes involved, either for me or for the hypothetical cosplayers.
The A-I-C syndrome usually hits around the time someone demands to use the computer for Solitaire — since I've been "playing" on it for hours.
I contemplate tearing my hair out, then go write the offender as a very unpleasant character 😉
I look at the difference in skill between my current writing and my first stab at writing a novel. That always cheers me up.
Dealing with the 'Am-I-Crazies?' seems to be part and parcel of being a writer – or an artist, or a musician! You can either let it cripple you or work through the self-doubt and criticism.
I also use it as a way to see if there is a way I can improve what I'm writing. If the crazies are too bad though then Southern Comfort and a box of Ritz Crackers work wonders! Hey, I'm only human! : )
I buy ten bottles of tequila, invite my friends round, and don't write another word for two years.
While I have indulged in the occasional daydream about what life will be like when I'm rich and famous, I really don't spend a lot of time fretting over getting published. I'm currently using a POD publisher for my first book, which allows me to share with friends and family and the occasional random stranger. I'm quite happy with that. Not once have I ever thought that I was crazy for doing this. Even if I stumble across irrefutable evidence that I really don't have what it takes, I will still write. It's just that simple.
What keeps me writing? I'd have to say my imagination. It may sound trite and corny but when I come up with an idea, no matter whether it's good or not, I just have to write. My mind buzzes like an overcharged bulb and won't leave me alone until I've crafted some sort of story, whether it's a novel or a short story.
Wine helps as well…
I got to say, this has been an awesome thread. I stupidly/ignorantly/selfishly thought I was the only one who went through this.
Thanks Nathan for asking this. I have now bookmarked this entry so I can go back to it whenever this hits me!
Remembering that I love what I do helps. Every book I write, I write for myself first. Not that the crazies never hit, and sometimes they can be debilitating, but as long as I remember why I write, I can get over them.
As there already arec 223 comments, I'm wondering if this one will ever get read by anyone…see what I did there?
The answer is blogging. But don't blog your manuscript, start a new story just for the blog. I have and it's found a small but loyal fan base so I know I can write. For an agent and a publisher to find it and me is just a matter of time, right?
My husband is in the same boat I am. We are both unpublished yet determined writers. We lean on each other during the "am I crazies".
I don't know why I keep going. It takes ages to complete a novel. The latest I started a decade ago, but I did stop writing for a few years and only started again this year. I have aims, and I think they keep me going. I want to write something powerfully beautiful that will inspire and uplift, even change lives. Yes, I do. Growing awareness can bring about changes in our attitudes and therefore our reality. Dickens helped stop child slavery in Britain with Oliver Twist. Sci/fi writers inspired new inventions. Jules Verne, in 80,000 Leagues Under the Sea, gave us the submarine. I'd like to inspire changes on inner levels (the most powerful), changes that ripple out to impact the emotional and physical.
I never get the "Am I crazies" until I've finished the novel, found an agent, and I'm waiting for responses from editors.
Which is what I'm doing now. I feel terribly crazy… insane…what was I thinking? Can I call the whole thing off?
Crap.
The first really good story I ever wrote was 20 years ago. It came out of nowhere one morning. Two days later my hard drive crashed. I never printed or backed up the file. That story is lost forever.
I'm not crazy and never feel crazy. I don't care about getting published. Ever. That lost story haunts me into writing…and backing up my hard drive whenever something new and good comes along.
Any person who thinks that they're crazy, or claims to be crazy, likely isn't crazy.
The ones you've got to watch out for are the ones who would never contemplate the possibility that they're crazy to begin with.
I post about it on my journal, purge it from my system, and get back to work.
Well, I'm a day behind everyone (as usual), but I deal with it by remembering that I tried to quit. I even posted in my blog saying I give up. And my very next post was talking about how I couldn't stop. I basically have a physical compulsion to write. It's like a weird form of OCD. So, sure, I might be crazy for spending so much time on something that might never turn into anything.
But that's way better than the real crazy that I start to get when I don't have enough writing time. I'll take writing crazy over stressed-out-super-tense-freakout crazy any day.
I accept that I am crazy and listen to the voice(s) in my head that tell me "I was meant to do this, this is what I really enjoy doing."
And from time to time I critique other published work, and convince myself, I could have written that in my sleep or much better. So if they can do it, I know I can, will, and must.
I was going to make a comment, but since about everything has been covered, I'll just say that taking a break from it, short or long, gives me a new outlook on it, so I can go back to work with renewed vigorish.
I never did deal with it. I just decided that I am, in fact, crazy. Much easier that way. 🙂
You sing the song Dory sings in 'Finding Nemo'–only it's:
Just keep writing
Just keep writing
Just keep writing
I never have those kind of am-I-crazies, I have the completely insane moment in the middle of the book where you become convinced that everything you've written is terrible and it's the worst book you've ever done.
A few drinks and a day off usually fix this.
Don't write for publication, write for yourself. That way the goal is already achieved. Also, by writing for someone you are writing to a specific taste and not some abstract demographic. The odds are much better that a large percentage of people are like you, rather than like it. I read my writing to my family as well and get their feedback, so it's never me in a room by myself.
P.S. I just heard from my publisher yesterday that she is interested in both St. Martin's Moon (a novel I've spent over a year trying to synopsize), as well as two short stories. If I actually get contacts and the books really do get produced, that will bring my written/sold ratio up to 100%. Sorry – had to share.
I think you have to sit down and really accept the fact that getting published may never happen. I may work at this for my entire life and not publish a book.
After I accepted that fact and I still wanted to write, writing was much easier. Plus, I don't get the "Am-I-Crazies?" anymore because I know I am.
I accept that I'm totally nuts and get on with things…that and having bundles of, as yet, unspotted talent.
I talk to my husband who believes in me even when I don't.
How do I deal?
My daughter. I have a one year old–we live in a really crappy apartment in a crappy building.
And the fact that I'm recieving public assistance while trying to go to school. (For a job, might I add, that I have no real interest in…but I need money)
I'd be crazy if I allowed myself to simply remain on government assistance, doing nothing at all with my life or my talent and making things unecessarily harder for my child.
I deal with it because the alternative isn't pretty.
Hell..if J.K. Rowlings can do it…I know I can.
Author Guy,
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!! That's friggin fabulous!!!!
Call her "Crazy":
When she comes around, I invite her in for a sit down, and get to know her a little better than the last, and then I make to manage and to manipulate her to my advantage.
Bless her. I need her.
I keep writing….
Wow. What great comments. And a lot of them, too. Here's my two cents: I'm starting a 12 step program for those addicted to traditional publication.
When I get totally nuts, I write a blog article on my blog, Your Shelf Life. Here are a few articles. These are funny––laughter is a good antidote to insanity. Some are worth reading just for the photos:
https://www.yourshelflife.com/?cat=125 On-line addiction or book marketing?
https://www.yourshelflife.com/?p=504 Unlock writers' block 1 (Illustrated with photos of us trying to load a horse in a trailer)
https://www.yourshelflife.com/?p=566 Unlock writers' block 2 (what worked for me)
https://www.yourshelflife.com/?p=590 Rewriting your Draft Novel
Other than that, I just suffer.
Same as sports – dreams, fantasies, desires. But sports as a profession is structured with the farm leagues, minors, majors, colleges. No novelist farm leagues out there.
Sports is more concrete. What's your ERA? How fast is your 40? What's your lap time? Age is a greater danger to an athlete than a novelist, since we can keep trying until our dying whisper, 'The End', but writing material is more subjective, more like housing market comps but without the science.
My bottom line is that I suffer arrogance and addiction. I've read some crap novels and said, 'I can write better than that.' And I love my writing process – the walk, the solitude, the coffee, imagination opening as scenes fill pages. The hard word count and page count are the bayonets goading me forward.
NER – novel edit & revision – doesn't fit the counting model and it doesn't work with the morning coffee walk. It's much harder because it's different. Setting the novel aside and returning to it weeks later, I encounter my limitations. The gem I had set aside has morphed into coarse sand. It must be fixed.
Oh, who am I kidding? What keeps me going? Willful ignorance of my limitations, stoic obstinance, and the certitude that someday I'll be an overnight sensation.
You could stop writing and put the manuscript in a waterproof canvas bag with old photos, birthday cards and other stuff you just can't bring yourself to throw away; take aforementioned bag with you every time you move, take a new job, and start a new relationship until one day twelve years later your girlfriend finds it, reads it and says, "You should finish this." Anyway, that's one option. That's what I did.
I usually ignore the Am-I-Crazies until they overwhelm me and I burst out crying for twenty minutes or so. Then I wash the tears and snot off my face and carry on.
I don't want my kids to see me give up trying to get published. Besides, writing stories has always been an important part of my life and I need to keep writing, no matter what.
Oh, if this blog comes up with an answer to this we should throw a party — champagne and all! It doesn't help when a close, dear relative says, "Are you STILL working on that same book?!"