I don’t like to complain. I don’t.
But this one is kind of funny.
For as long as it was in development I had been looking forward to the new Curtis Brown website like a kid waiting for Santa Claus.
Why? Submission procedures online. Bios. Specifically my bio.
I was dreaming… DREAMING about the moment I could just refer one of the many time-consuming query calls I get every day to the website. Finally, finally I would be able to say: “Have you checked the website? No? Curtisbrown.com. Everything you need. Bye bye. No, really, go to the website, I’m… no… website… I’m hanging up now.”
Better yet, I changed my voicemail message to mention the website. Here’s what it says:
“Hi, you’ve reached Nathan Bransford blah blah blah (paraphrasing!), if you are INTERESTED IN SUBMITTING A PROJECT FOR REPRESENTATION OR IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, PLEASE VISIT OUR WEBSITE, CURTISBROWN.COM.” (I don’t actually shout, I restrained myself.)
Problem solved, right?
Nope. Problem not solved. People just breeze right through the message. I get these voicemails constantly: “Hi, I’m so and so from such and such place (for some reason they always say where they’re calling from) and I’m looking for a literary agent.” Some people just call back later.
Foiled. Better yet, I don’t think I can make it any clearer, but I’m open to ideas in the comments section.
I don’t think this post will cure the problem, but…. just wanted to share. Happy Monday!
Liana Brooks says
Repeat after me: Unlisted number.
Douglas L. Perry says
No matter how hard you try to get the information across, there are those that either don't know how to follow directions, or don't even bother to look. Unfortunately most of those are also the projects that you don't want to represent, so they end up wasting your time. No good answer here….
twitter.com/thenextwriter
reader says
Let your voicemail say, "Only clients can leave me a voicemail. If you are not a client and leave a voicemail I will have you blacklisted in this idustry which I own."
Elise Logan says
An unlisted number as Liana suggests is a possibility. If not, then you might consider having a female coworker do the voice mail message for you. Why? Because the female voice is going to make the caller look at the phone and go "Wait! I called Nathan Bransford. Who is this?!" Which will make them more likely to listen to the message. Well, I think it would, anyway. Plus, just consider the fun factor of messing with so many callers.
note: spam word is intesina. Why do I think that should be medication for IBS?
clindsay says
LAUGHING MY ASS OFF! As someone who gets similar calls from folks who ignore everything that even slightly resembles simple instructions, I feel your pain. =)
Bane of Anubis says
I feel your pain… I hate people, too 🙂 j/j… mostly
Been off the grid for a week – from reading through the twilight thread – is it okay to reference older books in your query (e.g., a book from the 80's, 90's that was a bestseller by a well-known author)?
Bryan, IMO, the Shaq trade was idiotic – Um, Bron Bron drives the lane and dishes or finishes (b/c he doesn't have a mid-range game)… The Big Aristotle will henceforth be known as The Big Clog. Maybe it'll work out better than that – at least it'll be exciting.
Jordan E. Rosenfeld says
It's like submission spam! No matter how many walls you put in place, they always get through a chink.
Anonymous says
Years ago, I had a phone number one prefix digit different from that of a big hotel. I got room reservations, attempts to secure lifeguard employment for people's teenagers, and messages for job interviewers. This on an early answering machine that recorded 30 seconds regardless of what you said or whether you just hung up, and despite an outgoing message that began, "If you're calling the XYZ Inn, the number is 12_3_-4567. If you're looking for me, please leave a message."
Nathan Bransford says
BofA-
There are differences of opinion among agents about the utility of book comparisons. I personally feel like it's fine as long as you're not comparing yourself to the bestseller du jour. Other agents feel like they might not have read or recall the book you're referencing, so the reference is lost. So… up to you.
Jabez says
How about saying specifically in the voicemail message that for those interested in finding a literary agent, you do not accept those queries over the phone, only via email, and they can get the details for submitting them on the website?
It could be the that people who are calling you figure that your currently phrased voicemail just refers them to the website for more information on submitting a query that can eventually come through the phone, and think, "why make two calls when I'm already on the line?" Perhaps spelling out explicitly that the phone isn't the way would help a little.
Bane of Anubis says
Thanks!
RW says
It sounds like your natural courtesy is taking you further than professional etiquette requires. There is no rule that you have to return or even pay attention to cold calls from people who want to do business with you but who you haven't invited to pitch you. People ignore my cold calls in my business all the time except in the rare instances when I'm offering something they didn't know they wanted. I ignored them when I was on the other end. In this case, no answer means no. Just hit the delete button and move on.
Joel Q says
Life is too short to suffer fools, or so the quote goes. But until there is a law against stupid people were all stuck suffering.
joelle says
"If you are interested in representation, please press 1" which automatically puts them on hold with some really obnoxious music for like…forever? Or better yet, just keeps repeating, "Hang up and go to our website."
Aimee K. Maher says
I am never calling you. Ever.
*looks desperately for printer cable and envelopes*
Superfast says
Google Voice. You can set it up to have different voicemail messages for unknown phone numbers, and it will also transcribe your voicemail to text so you don't have to listen to "umm"s and "ahh"s.
Christopher M. Park says
It seems like you could just add the following to the end of your existing message: "On account of the high volume of submissions we receive, we cannot discuss unsolicited submissions via phone. Please visit our website and following the submission guidelines you find there."
Seriously, I'd repeat the "please visit the website" message twice. When it comes to instructions, people neither read nor listen, but sometimes repetition can help.
Part of me wonders if the people who are calling back are doing so because they don't have access to the web, or something like that. We tend to think of it as ubiquitous, but it's not in certain areas (particularly with certain income levels or age groups). I don't really know what to do about that possibility, but maybe it gives you something new to imagine other than just that the callers are just ignoring your request.
Annalee says
Maybe an options menu? They're not that hard to set up. That way, your voice mail can go like this:
"[greeting and introduction]. If you're an author seeking representation, or have a question about my guidelines, press two. All others, press one." One goes to your voicemail. Two goes to another message directing them to the website. Some of them might call back and press one, but it might cut down a bit.
The catch here is that you're already dealing with a group of people who are calling to query–the vast majority of whom probably got your number from someplace where your guidelines are clearly posted. So you've probably got a higher-than-average snowflake hurdle to surmount in getting through to them.
Suzanne Young says
People call to query? I've never heard of that. Hm… maybe say the blah, blah, blah and then, "I do not take submissions via phone. Please go to…" Although, I guess that's the same.
Really? Calling? What do they even say?
Kathleen MacIver says
I think the problem might be that many of us, when we call someone, we're consciously listening for one piece of information…the name of the person we want to reach. Everything else gets unconsciously tossed aside.
Try starting your voicemail along these lines, "You've reached an agent who will not respond to anyone who has not first checked my website. Have you been there? It's curtisbrown.com. Now, if you HAVE been there, and still need to leave a message, follow these instructions. First, tell me which part of my site says you should call me. Second, leave your name, and third, leave your number. Thanks!"
Or maybe, "You've reached an agent who really needs you to listen carefully to this message."
In other words, get the listeners attention BEFORE you say your name. 🙂
(I'm really curious if this would work!)
Inmodify says
Google Voice provides a transcript of the voice mail.
Ink says
Bane,
Yeah, Shaq is tricky. Even at his best, he wasn't a guy you could just slot into your system. The system has to shape around him. He reminds me of Iverson. Physically opposite, but their games are so unique (and not particularly adaptable) that they need the right situation. (I'm curious to see what offers Iverson gets this summer…) It'll take some offensive cleverness for Mike Brown to work in Shaw properly… something he hasn't really shown. Z can clear out and hit the jumper… whereas Shaw will not be shooting jumpers. But he can post up, he can catch the ball when LeBron is double teamed… and he could provide an offensive focus when LeBron rests (which might allow LeBron a little more down-time).
The key, for me, is that they gave up nothing. Two guys playing spot minutes (when they got off the bench). This isn't like Phoenix, who gave up an all-star who was key to their style. So, he costs nothing, his contract is up at the end of the year… or as a trading piece mid-season when other teams want to clear a star and see Shaq's ending 20 million contract as godsend in difficult financial times. I mean, the Bucks and Nets trading Jefferson and Carter… those weren't basketball trades, but financial deals. And I'm guessing there will be a few more before the year is done.
Plus, can you envision the pre-game antics? Should be interesting to watch.
Julia says
Hi Nathan,
I can see the predicament. But, I believe, there is a cure. See, most writers are so eager to submit their work and get a response from a 'real' person, not a 'query department’ they do not comprehend the simple connection between you and your email address on your profile.
Here is what they think (or at least what I think they might be thinking)
Oh, submissions online! {clicks on the link}
Oh, ☹ that’s just the same mailing address. Do they mean, they don’t do electronic submissions? {looks at profile, sees email address}
Long contemplation. But, probably be better to do it personally. Like, MORE personal, since I have this phone number…
I think it would be easier if on a page where the agency talks about submissions they would stress their preference for electronic submissions or just say something like “If you would like to submit directly to Mr.A or Mr.B please do check their personal page for their preferred way of communication.”
Other way would be to make your voicemail divided.
“If you are a client or returning a call, press one; if you are calling about your submission or with any questions regarding one, please check the website. If you are absolutely sure the website does not answer your urgent question or you have no internet access, press two. “ And never check mailbox two.
You probably still will get stupid people calling you, but hopefully, fewer would actually get to you.
Cheers,
Julia
Ink says
Nathan Bransford, Agent…
Those are dangerous initials, you know. I automatically start hearing swishes in my head, the buzzer sounding, the cheers and catcalls, the calls of the arena hotdog guy…
Hmmm, hotdogs…
Reesha says
Nice.
Nathan, don't touch that phone message! You've inadvertently created a brilliant stupid people trap! Haha. Another one to add to the National Insitute for Tracking Stupid People's arsenol. I wouldn't be surprised if NITSP contacted you soon.
Vacuum Queen says
This is a theme in many agent posts lately. Doesn't sound fun. 🙁
Maybe if your phone doesn't mention your name, but only Curtis Brown..then it would give the feeling that you can't be reached. ?? And maybe just blunt and straightforward…"we do not discuss queries via phone. Please visit our website for that." Beep.
Then you have to right to hang up.
Susan Helene Gottfried says
No ideas. I have similar problems with people when they meet my Win a Book Blog. "I post your links" somehow becomes "I will hold a contest to give away your book."
I think the only thing to do is smile and try to be gracious.
Anonymous says
Change the message again:
Ignoring this warning will get you immediately blacklisted from all publishers in the NYC area.
Rick Daley says
Hi, you have reached the desk of Nathan Bransford, Literary Agent with Curtis Brown. My desk is where I check my email. My email is where I receive queries. To find out how to email your query to me, go to http://www.curtisbrown.com.
For all other callers, please hold the line and your call will be answered by the next available representative.
*BEEP*
NOTE: Anyone who has a legitimate reason to call you will understand why you have this message in place and will not begrudge you for it. You may get some long, silent messages from people who think they are on hold, though.
The next time your phone rings, that will just be me, calling to discuss this in greater detail. We can call to chat as long as we aren't pitching you, right?
Margaret Yang says
Janet Reid was complained on her blog that often, in response to a rejection, she gets "thanks for reading" e-mails that she does not want. Her readers suggested that she specifically include a line in her rejection letters that said, "No response necessary." That seemed to help.
You have to really, really, really spell it out in your voice mail message. Not just "go to the website" but "I DON'T TAKE CALLS." Saying "Go to the website" still makes it a both/and option. People think they can both go to the website and talk to you.
And FWIW, color me flabbergasted that writers call agents who don't represent them. I always hesitate before calling my own agent, and only call him if I have a damn good reason. I hate it when clueless writers give the rest of us a bad name.
Mary says
From my own experience, some people do not listen to one’s outgoing message. They don’t hear whatever information is contained therein. If the message told them they were about to be shot, they would still wait for the beep, then say whatever they had pre-planned. 🙂
Duluk says
They've been told "persistence pays off" too many times. 🙂
I don't think there's anything you can change to make it more clear. I'm sure it's quite clear enough. They are just deliberately ignoring you because they think they have a better chance if they actually vocalize something to you personally, your admonitions to the contrary are for everyone else. 🙂
Carol B. says
What about: "If you're calling to pitch your project, please visit our website. For callers who insist on voice mail despite directions to the contrary, use our "Authors' Hotline" at 555-5555." The number goes to a separate voice mailbox which you never check.
Might stop some of them if they think they're being directed to a more "important" line.
Ieva says
I suggest you use a form like "www.curtisbrown.com – please visit the site if you want me to represent you. w-w-w-.-c-u-r-t-i-s-b-r-o-w-n-.-c-o-m. Thanks!"
Basically, I think that the information you *want* them to hear has to go in the first word of the message (since it's when they're listening) and at the very end, if they didn't catch it at the beginning. Also, clear action verbs and clear, active "what do you want" message ("if you have any questions" is sorta redundant, people don't call if everything is clear for them, not in this case).
Alternative:
"Do you want me to represent you?.. Visit http://www.curtisbrown.com and click on 'submissions'."
Perhaps the question-answer format would feel more natural for a caller who expects communication, not instructions.
Mira says
Lol. This is really funny.
I'm so sad that your dream was foiled.
I have two thoughts about this. One, you'll never get most people to stop. Hope springs eternal, no one listens to voice mail, and there you go.
Two, you might get a few people to stop by moving that part up to front of the message. And making it abit more forceful, which you may or may not want to do: "This is Nathan B… If you are looking for representation, please go to CB website for correct instructions and answers to questions. Please do not leave a message here. All other callers, I would be…..
You have my sympathy, Nathan. A million queries plus voice mails does add up to time spent. Good luck.
Lunatic says
Hmm, hey, Nathan, what ARE your submission guidelines?
Fred
p.s. I tried the same thing with my girls when they were in college. "Girls, if you're calling to sqeeze money out of daddy's turnip, forget it. Make do." It didn't work either.
Anonymous says
Here's what your company's contact page says:
Contact Us:
Curtis Brown, Ltd.
Ten Astor Place
New York, NY 10003
Telephone: (212) 473-5400
Fax: (212) 598-0917
Nowhere on this page is any text about what the consequences of calling an agent of the company might be. Here are some suggestions that might get the point across that a call is not welcomed:
Telephone queries are not accepted by the following agents of Curtis Brown, Ltd: Nancy Drew,
Tom Mix, and Nathan Bransford.
The last agent who accepted a telephone query died in 1932. My grandpa had a sign like this, referring to tool-lending, in his farm equipment repair shop. Grandpa's sign was on a board shaped like a tombstone. Maybe one of your illustrators could draw a neat graphic for your webpage.
Hope this helps.
Mary Jo
R Chazz Chute says
Check where your phone number is listed. It may be over-represented.
When I worked for The Canadian Book Information Centre (an ineptly-named publicist/lobby group that worked for publishers) we got a lot of kooky calls from would be authors looking for information we didn't have, though making up answers to really pesky callers was sometimes entertaining. One thing that cut down on those calls was to cut down on where it was listed in the first place since we worked for publishers, not the public.
Ubiquitous website listings free you up so people approach through that channel. Only people you already work with need to speak with you directly.
Or, as Bill Maher says, "Leave a message…although if you were really a friend, I'd have given you the number to the phone I actually answer."
Still, no device has yet deterred idiots for long. You could try being ruder. I'm too nice myself, so when a telemarketer gets through I hand the phone to my wife.
Cheers,
Chazz
Thermocline says
It’s not that I don’t feel for you, but I think the CB website is contributing to your problem. The submissions page and your bio don’t have the same information about querying that you list in your blog profile. Maybe some people are calling because they’re confused as to what to submit based on which page they first learn about you.
Piglet de' Erin says
So um . . . are you saying I should stop calling?
ha ha ha. I haven't actually ever called you, but your posty is too funny.
The Decreed says
I say, call the people back, tell them that if they give their address you'll send a contract to sign. Then you have their address, and options. I generally don't recommend arson…
Janet says
Nobody has yet invented a method of short-circuiting cluelessness. Sorry.
Anonymous says
People only listen to the first thing said on voice mail, then they ignore the rest until they hear the beep. Just turn your message around.
"If you are INTERESTED IN SUBMITTING A PROJECT FOR REPRESENTATION OR IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, PLEASE VISIT OUR WEBSITE, CURTISBROWN.COM (wait two beats) Hi, you've reached Nathan Bransford blah blah blah"
Anonymous says
The suggestion above about mentioning on the website about not calling agents re: submissions is a good one. People still will, but maybe it will help at least a little?
I sympathize, because I'm fairly sure whoever had my personal phone number before me was a drug dealer. I've had some of the strangest "wrong number" calls ever since I got this number.
Bane of Anubis says
Bryan – very true about not giving up anything… and excellent point about pre-game antics — I think they'll definitely be more fun to watch… now I'm trying to think of Shaq's new nickname… "The Big Break by The Lake" or something along those lines.
Chaff says
How about an addendum to your message: "If you leave a message anyway, I swear I'll hunt you down. And it won't be for an offer of representation."
Dana says
Oh man… too funny! I second (or third) the Google Voice recommendation, but I'll also give my personal tip. As a teacher I got a ton of dumb calls from parents. I finally changed my voicemail to say: "I do not check my voicemail more than once a week. If you need a reply sooner than that email me at blah, or send a note with your student." Then I never checked it. 🙂 Never became a problem.
Thomas Burchfield says
People actually have the nerve to call an agency cold? Good Lord, I get the sweats just calling time and temperature.
I wrote about Monty Python this week at the Red Room (click on my name; you can leave a message there).
Anonymous says
I'm surprised that not a single person has mentioned how new the 'Curtis Brown' website is. Or how it's so uninformative. BTW your agent profile says you welcome queries by e-mail. Nowhere does it say that it's required. And, the CB home page lists little info other than their address and phone number. Even intelligent, web-savy folks might call just to get more information. There's nothing like a simple, informative website for answering even the dumbest of questions.
Nathan Bransford says
anon-
The general query procedure is listed on the website, and if someone wants to send me a query through the mail, that's how you'd do it. It's not "required" that people submit to me via e-mail.
If someone does their research and visits either my agent profile or my blog (which is mentioned in the agent profile) they'll note that they can submit to me via e-mail.
And trust me, there is no antidote to the dumbest of questions.