I don’t like to complain. I don’t.
But this one is kind of funny.
For as long as it was in development I had been looking forward to the new Curtis Brown website like a kid waiting for Santa Claus.
Why? Submission procedures online. Bios. Specifically my bio.
I was dreaming… DREAMING about the moment I could just refer one of the many time-consuming query calls I get every day to the website. Finally, finally I would be able to say: “Have you checked the website? No? Curtisbrown.com. Everything you need. Bye bye. No, really, go to the website, I’m… no… website… I’m hanging up now.”
Better yet, I changed my voicemail message to mention the website. Here’s what it says:
“Hi, you’ve reached Nathan Bransford blah blah blah (paraphrasing!), if you are INTERESTED IN SUBMITTING A PROJECT FOR REPRESENTATION OR IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, PLEASE VISIT OUR WEBSITE, CURTISBROWN.COM.” (I don’t actually shout, I restrained myself.)
Problem solved, right?
Nope. Problem not solved. People just breeze right through the message. I get these voicemails constantly: “Hi, I’m so and so from such and such place (for some reason they always say where they’re calling from) and I’m looking for a literary agent.” Some people just call back later.
Foiled. Better yet, I don’t think I can make it any clearer, but I’m open to ideas in the comments section.
I don’t think this post will cure the problem, but…. just wanted to share. Happy Monday!
Anonymous says
Have a recording that sounds like a fax machine. That'll scare 'em off!
Nathan Bransford says
By the way, I also want to point out that the submission procedure works as a filter process. Anyone who doesn't know what they're doing will submit to me via the Query Department and won't clog my inbox. People who do their research know to submit to me directly.
And I don't return query calls.
clindsay says
Anon 12:56 –
The Curtis Brown has actually been up for about three months. And the website is actually very clear in the instructions for submissions, as well as what each agent does and does not handle. Am somewhat confused by what you consider uninformative, as this is one of the better organized and most user-friendly agency sites you'll find online.
Best,
Colleen
ryan field says
Can't offer any solutions to the VM problem, but the web site looks great. And it's easy to navigate.
Ulysses says
"Hi, you've reached N.B. If you're a client, press 1. If you're an editor or colleague, press 2. If you're seeking representation press your handset firmly back in the cradle."
I paraphrase Einstein. He was smarter than me, but I have better hair. "Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe.
MzMannerz says
I like Liana Brooks' idea, but barring that…
At work, when I want to ensure people listen to the message, the first words of the message are "Stop. Please listen to this entire message." It keeps most people from pounding out past the recording, and so far the only people to have an issue with it are the same people who tend to be prime don't-listen-to-the-greeting-for-important-information offenders.
Ink says
But what if Tyreke Evans calls you about his book proposal, the stunning I'm Better Than Ricky Rubio: Sex, Dunks and Hazing Rituals in the Life of an NBA Rookie?
Nathan Bransford says
Bryan-
Tyreke has my cell.
Also he is better than Ricky Rubio.
Ink says
Certainly he'll be much richer, if Rubio doesn't get that giant buyout taken care of…
I bet Rubio's praying for a giant Nike deal. And planning his bestseller How I Broke the Ankles of the Bums Who Got Drafted Ahead of Me and Do Not Have the Hair of Pistol Pete Maravich.
Ink says
Ole…
Neil says
Nathan, you gotta change your name to Notinterested Bransford. That way when you answer the phone you can say, "Notinterested" and people will just hang up. Also, with a name like that no-one will be sending you emails. Imagine something like NotInterested@curtisbrown.com. Who's going to submit to that? Only the intelligent few who see the irony, or those who were so pigheaded and stubborn that they just had to email you their query for the hell of it. C'mon, don't you want more queries from people who're pigheaded, stubborn and think they're intelligent? What d'you mean no?
allegory19 says
People query over the phone? Seriously?
I've never heard of that and I'm surprised to find that it's a problem for agents in general.
Phone queries go against everything I've ever read/heard of regarding querying. I guess there's a chance that some people don't have Internet access, but the prevalence of the problem makes me doubt that.
You're right, this post isn't going to solve the problem. But once again, you've shed light into the mysterious world of agents – and all the crazy, pain-in-the-butt messages they receive. Thanks!
wendy says
Hmm, how frustrating for you, especially when it's a problem that repeats daily. Perhaps part of the reason is that when people are nervous they're not as receptive to information as they might be. And…the other reason might be that your fans want to speak to you. *g*
Marilyn Peake says
It’s possible that some people listen to your message, check out the website, then call back to speak with you. I feel very lucky that I have high-speed Internet and enough hours in the day to thoroughly read all the helpful information on agents’ websites and blogs. I know to query rather than call, but the Submission Guidelines don’t specifically say not to call. Some writers will be working with dial-up; some don’t even have computers; some will be overwhelmed by holding down multiple jobs and caring for sick family members. Even J.K. Rowling didn’t know how to use email when she wrote HARRY POTTER, and she wrote her manuscript in longhand. I don’t think you can stop phone calls from coming in, although stating on the website that questions will not be answered by phone and then deleting phone messages might ease your workload a bit. 🙂
Crawford says
The publishing business seems to be very much about networking.
Authors need agents because agents have contacts with editors. Authors need publishers because publishers and their marketing people have contacts with bookstores.
The whole industry seems to run on going out to lunch.
Several agent bloggers have stated outright that networking at conventions and finagling referrals from published authors is a key way to significantly improve one's chances of obtaining representation.
All these authors who e-mail too much or try to call you are probably just trying to network. They think, not unreasonably, that, all procedures notwithstanding, establishing some kind of personal connection will help get their novel published.
Granted, these people aren't exactly Cary Grant on the cocktail circuit, but that is why authors need agents to deal with people on their behalf.
Anyone with a good novel living in his head is probably kind of poorly adjusted. That kind of thing doesn't grow spontaneously out of a healthy mind.
I have to say, when I look at the Curtis Brown website, and it tells me to mail my query to "Attn: Query Department," I kind of picture that label affixed to a furnace in your office basement.
Renee Collins says
On the upside, that's one shiny new website you guys have! 🙂
Peri1020 says
Unfortunately, people just don't pay attention these days. At my office, there are four different signs that tell you the name of the company whose doors you're about to enter, and yet people still come in asking to rent an apartment (the former tenant was an apartment leasing agency). It's been two years and I still get at least one person every month looking for an apartment. That's not counting people looking for the food bank or wanting to know why there's a dance studio where the paint store used to be, etc, etc.
Eva Gale says
Remember Kramer answering the movie lines? That's what you gotta do. But of course you won't really answer.
If you want to leave a message concerning your manuscript please press one. *beep* If you pressed one, please press two. *beep* If you are calling about representation please go to http://www.curtisbrown.com and e-mail me your query. If you understand these directions please press three. *beep*
Anonymous says
I think people call because they are from the traditional business world where a direct conversation is given higher value than websites ro email. Many people feel it is okay for some reason to put email off indefinately or ignore it altogether (i.e., "If it's that important, they'll call." So when they have somehting important to them, they don't want to wait in line with the herd, they want to call for direct access.
My guess would be you get more NF writers who call than novelists, because these are your business world peeps who value face-to-face networking and aggressive marketing.
The callers probably figure that the email and web are for timid folk who are scared to call. They envision success stories like, "How'd I get my agent? I just called him up on the phone one day, said I had a project about xyz. Direct, no-nonsense approach, son. It's always the best way to go."
jjdebenedictis says
I don't actually shout, I restrained myself.
I don't think I can make it any clearer, but I'm open to ideas in the comments section.
Shout. I think you're pretty much going to need to shout.
Anonymous says
"I don't think I can make it any clearer, but I'm open to ideas in the comments section."
The people calling, as the anon post abaove points out, will often be "real world" types who haven't even been to your website or blog, and who consider those things to be 2nd-tier mediums anyway.
Only thing I can think of is to have separate phone lines: a private number for your boss and co-workers, and a public line that is not even listed on the web anywhere, never publicized, but kept for those who feel they must track you down, and in case you do get Michael Jackson's Dad wanting to shop a memoir or some other windfall like that).
On this unpublicized public line, you would never answer it. All calls are screened, and the voice mail referes all questions about representation to the website. Then once a day you ahve your interns screen the sluch voicemail line and only forward you anything of potential value.
Anonymous says
"I think people call because they are from the traditional business world where a direct conversation is given higher value than websites ro email."
Yes, ESP. with an initial contact, many people feel this way.
rasheeda says
I can only assume such calls do not get returned.
Cameron says
You need to skip the blah-blah-blah introduction at the beginning of your greeting. People KNOW whom they're calling. If they know you, they'll recognize your voice. Get to the meat of your greeting from the outset:
"Hello. If you would like to contract a flesh-eating virus, please leave a voice message stating that you're looking for a literary agent. If you're calling to reach Nathan Bransford of Curtis Brown regarding a separate business matter, please leave a brief message. Otherwise, please visit (web site or blog) and (enter blah-blah-blah part here)."
MitMoi says
After reading your bio on the new CB site I am still boggling over the fact you grew up in Colusa … Oh the stories we could swap.
(and also giggling) To think someone from "my" part of the world is in publishing.
Life is delicious … Did you grow up thinking rice was the only acceptable side dish too?
Bane of Anubis says
Tyreke better than Rubio? Next thing I know, you'll be telling us Cormac McCarthy's a better writer than Stephanie Meyer – as Shakespeare once said, "It's all about the benjamins, baby," though in his hoity-toity old english sorta way.
C. Patrick Schulze says
Dear Mr. Bransford,
If I faced this issue, I'd have them "dial 1" for "project submission or representation." It won't take long for this voice mail to fill. (If there even is one.) Never empty it.
It won't solve the problem, but sure would be fun to see how long they'd keep trying.
C. Patrick Schulze
"Born to be Brothers"
Terry says
Do what the insurance companies do.
The local agents hire bitchy secretaries (yes they can still afford secretaries, funny that)to stonewall callers and eventually tell them to blow it out their asses, if they bother to answer the phone at all between inane chats with their friends. And they never answer messages left.
Insurance company executives, if you are ingenious enough to ever get a hold of their coveted phone numbers,don't even bother with the personal touch. They simply put on a recording of a bitchy secretary telling you to blow it out your ass.
Jen C says
Anonymous said…
I think people call because they are from the traditional business world where a direct conversation is given higher value than websites ro email. Many people feel it is okay for some reason to put email off indefinately or ignore it altogether (i.e., "If it's that important, they'll call." So when they have somehting important to them, they don't want to wait in line with the herd, they want to call for direct access.
This was my thought too. From an HR point of view, if someone is applying for a job it's always a good idea to give the recruiter or interviewer a call when you apply, because it adds a personal element to your application and you're more likely to be remembered.
I always remember the people who call in to check whether their application has been received, or who call to get more information instead of just applying online.
So most probably this is what a lot of those people are trying to acheive when they call, a little extra advantage.
And honestly, I don't think there's any way of deterring people from doing what they think will give them a leg up in the query game…
minnesotasnowgem says
Three words…get an assistant.
🙂
On my voicemail, it says my name and I am female and as far as I know, I sound female. And yet, I still get messages for Dave, Brad…you name it.
*sigh* people just don't listen
Laura Martone says
Ah, Nathan. I must admit that while I've never desired to be a literary agent, your funny tales of poorly researched queries and ignorant callers only make me MORE determined to live my life in obscurity. I'm so happy that I don't receive a ton of emails and phone messages… if only because I'm too nice to ignore people and too easy to overwhelm.
I wish I had some advice for you – to ease your work week – but I agree with so many others here… there's little that anyone can do to deter the persistent from doing what they feel they must. Sad, but true.
I must say, though, that I'm surprised by allegory19's surprise – while it might not be an acceptable way to query agents, it doesn't floor me at all that people would call instead of following submission guidelines – whether it's because they are used to cold-calling in their field, hoping to differentiate themselves somehow, or convinced that rules do not apply to them.
Regardless, I wish you lots of luck, Nathan! Just don't let the turkeys get you down. 🙂
M.W. Paez says
Nathan,
It's similar to the large sign in stores that says "Line forms here," and a few fools think they are going to outmaneuver the other people in line. You can see it in their eyes as they walk in, sizing up the line; they have plans.
Many moons ago I was in line at the Patchin Station post office in NYC. A tiny, yet aggressive line cutting woman–she was trying every conceivable trick in the book–was shouted out of the lobby by the whole queue for her bad behavior.
Now all you need is an angry line.
Ben-M says
Happy Monday, Nathan!
I wonder if you might sign off your voicemail message with a request for more interns with which to screen your voicemail messages.
word verification: nostrel. It had to pick that one!
T. Anne says
Oh great! I didn't realize I could call you. 😉
Claire says
Nathan,
Why don't you get an airhorn. Start your greeting with your name and blah, blah, blah part of it. Then blow the airhorn and say, "Now that I have your undivided attention, if you are interested in submitting a project….." – continuing with the message.
I'm sure this is not the behavior of a professional, but I bet you'd LIKE to do it sometimes. I know I would.
https://claire0803.blogspot.com
Deb Markanton says
You need to take the dealing with an 8yr old boy approach:
"Stop. Pause the video game. Look at me. In the eyes. Good. This is what's going to happen now. Blah, blah, blah. Got it? Great. Now, what did I just say?"
Lisa Schroeder says
I think some people have been taught that when one wants something bad enough, personal connection is the way to make it happen. Want a job? Don't just apply via the want ads like everyone else, call and get them to talk to you. Make an appt to speak to someone in person, etc.
I do think you have to be clear and annoyingly slow in your phone message. Like Suz said – we do NOT take queries over the phone. Let me repeat, we do NOT… 🙂
Vic K says
Having been to the Curtis Brown website and checked out the submissions info, I can see the issue.
In my opinion, people, rightly or wrongly, want to make a personal connection to an agent. It makes them feel like they have a better chance of acceptance. They forget the 'write brilliantly' advice and think it is all about who you know and not what you write.
The submissions info on the website just says submit to the agency in general via snail mail. I can imagine heaps of desperate writers ringing to say, 'But Nathan, buddy, I KNOW you. I read your blog. Can I email my stuff straight to you? Talk you through it? Explain some of the iffy bits?'
In my opinion, any time you get a glaring difference between instructions, (blog vs website)you're going to get phone calls and emails asking for clarification. And Nathan, you're so… approachable! That can't be helping! : )
I must admit I did just have a cursory look. (I'm not submitting at the moment, so I wasn't researching for myself) and at a glance, that was how the submission instructions read. They might not be different from your blog… but in a way, that's the point I'm making.
It's the people who don't research who jump to conclusions and rush to the phone that are causing the problem.
Not sure if this feedback will help… hope you find some solution.
Vic K says
Having been to the Curtis Brown website and checked out the submissions info, I can see the issue.
In my opinion, people, rightly or wrongly, want to make a personal connection to an agent. It makes them feel like they have a better chance of acceptance. They forget the 'write brilliantly' advice and think it is all about who you know and not what you write.
The submissions info on the website just says submit to the agency in general via snail mail. I can imagine heaps of desperate writers ringing to say, 'But Nathan, buddy, I KNOW you. I read your blog. Can I email my stuff straight to you? Talk you through it? Explain some of the iffy bits?'
In my opinion, any time you get a glaring difference between instructions, (blog vs website)you're going to get phone calls and emails asking for clarification. And Nathan, you're so… approachable! That can't be helping! : )
I must admit I did just have a cursory look. (I'm not submitting at the moment, so I wasn't researching for myself) and at a glance, that was how the submission instructions read. They might not be different from your blog… but in a way, that's the point I'm making.
It's the people who don't research who jump to conclusions and rush to the phone that are causing the problem.
Not sure if this feedback will help… hope you find some solution.
goldchevy says
Each time you get one of those voicemails, just say to yourself that person is totally funny, then laugh, then wonder at how funny human beings can be, then laugh again. I have taught high school English for twenty years–trust me there is nothing you can do to keep people from ignoring your instructions. And by people I don't necessarily mean just teenagers.
Link says
"Press option 1 for an immediate response." I'm pretty sure Google has a more effective feature available that will send a highly charged electric shock back through the phone that'll zap the stupid person! Or, the ever-popular option 2: Google rabid dog – they send a pack of canines to the caller's house. Google option 3: night time earwigs. You don't want to know what option 4 is.
Anonymous says
"This is what's going to happen now. Blah, blah, blah."
And that's exactly what they hear!
The content of the message needs to be up front. Don't preface it with crap, cuz then they listen to the crap and they've tuned out by the time you get to the content.
Same goes for writing, btw 😉 Lots newbs put the "blahblahblah" which is the content–way in the middle, prefaced with what they think is attention-grabbing setup, but it has the reverse effect.
Central Content Publisher says
"I don't return query calls." – Nathan Bransford
Should be the first thing you say on the message. Followed by an obliquely framed URL. Something like…
"You've reached Nathan Bransford. I don't return query calls. http://www.curtisbrown.com. Puppies are over-rated. Beep."
Actually say "beep". That's important.
Donna B says
Good luck! They only hear what they want to hear – and that isn't that you don't want to talk to them!
By the way, I'm looking for an agent…lol. I am – but I'll check the website!
Anonymous says
How 'bout this:
"Nathan Bransford of Curtis Brown. Please note that I do not respond to submisssion related calls. Complete submission instructions may be found on our website at http://www.curtisbrown.com. For all other matters please leave a mesage. Submission related messages will be deleted without consideration. Thank you for your interest in Curtis Brown."
The Deepening says
Easy one. On your recorded message, simply say: "If you're a writer looking for representation, and you called me, I guarantee I won't call you."
That should do the trick.
;D
wendy says
I just want to add that in Australia many agents request you query them initially by phone before you send in your sample chapters and synopsis.
Kelly Guentner says
Well at least now you don't have to feel a moment's pause for guilt at deleting those messages without listening to them 🙂 It's not YOUR fault that people don't know how to listen properly after all!
Jen P says
Some people might not have regular access to email and want to submit by snail mail directly to you, but the only address on the website is a New York and not San Fran office perhaps?
No, maybe I'm being too optimistic for you.
"I do not accept telephone queries – email at X or by post, see the website Y – pause, ah, cchhh."
Assuming you get Darth Vader to record your voice mail.
Anonymous says
You could just not have a phone.
Is it really necessary anyway? if so, you could have an outgoing line only.
You probably already have a separarate email address for clients, so…ditchthe phone. So 19th century.
Plus you'd obtain the added advantage of having a record of everyhting.