Natalie!!!
Congratulations, Natalie. Very very well-deserved, and I think we’re all wondering what’s going to happen to those plucky ninjas. Good work!!
Another hearty round of applause to the finalists, and most of all to everyone (all 1300+ of you) who put themselves out there by posting their work. It was very difficult to choose only six out of over 1300, and there were many worthy paragraphs.
Since I posted the finalists, people have been asking me to explain a bit more about what went into my choices.
First off, I think it’s important to remember that as an agent I probably read these differently than the average reader. Judging from some responses I’ve received, I think a lot of people read these paragraphs thinking, “Which book would I want to read?” and then gravitate to the ones that begin with intriguing plots, voices or situations that speak to them. Which is fine! Nothing wrong with that at all. But that’s not necessarily how I read these — I don’t need to know everything right away. When I’m reading a paragraph (or a partial), I’m looking mainly at the quality of the writing. Is it of publishable quality? Is it seamless, are the word choices strong, is the grammar proper, am I being enveloped in this world? If the writing isn’t publishable it really doesn’t matter how much I like the underlying idea.
Plots are subjective — people have different tastes and interests. Good writing is less subjective. It’s sometimes hard to describe, pinpoint, and define, but good writing is good writing. And these paragraphs are well-written.
So a word for the snarky anonymous commenters: Even if they are outside your genres of interest, even if they describe plots you wouldn’t gravitate toward, if you can’t see that these paragraphs demonstrate good writing… well, not only are you the type of person who might leave rude comments on a blog, I would (as kindly as possible) suggest that you take a long look in the mirror. The very first step of being a good writer is recognizing good writing.
Now! Before you start getting all depressed on me, I will readily and heartily admit that I had to pass on some gems, and if you were not chosen it does not mean that you are not talented and/or will never be published. Far from it — there were lots of very strong paragraphs, and there could only be six finalists. But I am confident in the choices, and feel that they are all, in their own way, very strong.
Here’s why I chose each paragraph.
Natalie has an immediately catchy high concept plot (ninja school!) combined with a very effective voice. In particular, I really respect the second sentence: “Of course, heβs says it all ninja-like, but thatβs the gist.” A paragraph about ninja school itself might make a good opener, but this sentence builds a character: the narrator’s father adopts a ninja-like voice to say something as simple as “keep it simple stupid.” Hilarious! Natalie’s paragraph also shows a deft touch by conveying a unique voice without being too chatty. It has a breezy style, but note that other than the above-quoted sentence and the word “dude,” the rest of it is not chatty. Just enough to get to sense of the voice without being over the top. Very well done.
Morgan’s paragraph balances a couple of different elements in a way that I find very effective. This paragraph packs in quite a lot of plot, but that’s not all that it accomplishes. It also conveys a keen sense of style — there’s a breathlessness to the writing that lends a feeling of importance to the descriptions. Also, normally I don’t like it when a series of unknown words and concepts are thrown at me right away, but in this paragraph they are described and named in a way that I can get a taste of the meaning and deduce enough of the world to stay within the paragraph without worrying that I don’t understand everything. And the idea of a twin within a twin…. intriguing.
Steve Axelrod (not the agent, btw) steadily builds a memorable image: a girl walking onto a Cape Cod island without knowing the effect she’s going to have. The details are evocative and memorable, and the flow impeccable. Quite a few people have asked about the closing simile. Normally I don’t care for big bold similes, but this one really works for me. It didn’t take me out of the world because everyone knows what an avalanche is, and it also, in an effective way, contrasts directly with the sun-drenched imagery. It’s also evocative to think of setting an avalanche off with a sigh. It just works.
MA’s was the shortest of the bunch, just two sentences. It wasn’t just the image of blood in the shape of a butterfly that led me to choose this paragraph. Rather, it’s the combination of an evocative opening image along with the description of the blood sparkling on the kitchen floor (two pretty descriptions that contrast with the fact that it’s blood). Plus there’s a certain casualness and distance on the part of the observing character. It accomplishes a great deal in just a few words.
Alexa’s paragraph is a study in steadily building a memorable character. Having read so many paragraphs that began with the weather (particularly bad weather), I was sucked in by the feint that the narrator is describing how the weather would be in one of her mom’s novels. Combine that with a perfectly-described and memorable fashion choice at a funeral (“defiant yellow and movie star sunglasses” just flows), and you have a sense of a very unique individual. It’s all built through imagery rather than straightforward description.
Lastly, Chris’ paragraph snuck in precisely at the Thursday 4pm deadline. It’s an intriguing setup — a group of heliophobes meeting in a strange place with some interesting animosity toward the sun. It’s the combination of a big idea (heliophobes) with small details (the z-shaped ramp, the eggs in the belfry) that makes this come alive.
In the course of reading 1300 paragraphs, certain patterns began to emerge. Now, I’m not saying you CAN’T start a book this way, but there were three prevalent patterns that kept creeping up again and again. Here are some approximations:
1) Surprising sentence. Well, not the surprising sentence per se, but rather the surprising sentence is made more complicated by the fact that it is followed, in fits and starts, by conversational prose that, in its casualness, contrasts with the shocking statement and sets a breezy tone despite the shocking statement. That is, until the reversal.
2) Small, finely rendered observation. This is followed by the particular shape of the moon or the wisps of grass and the particular temperature that still night or perfect sunset that lulls us into a sense of place and setting. And then we linger in that scene still longer to see one more even more finely rendered detail, and still another, leading us to the very thing the author seeks. That is, until the shocking statement.
3) The tough protagonist shudders against whatever bad weather they are enduring. They check their timepiece, or weapon, and go back to the task at hand. Pithy comment. It’s not easy being the tough protagonist.
Again — anything can be done properly, even a conventional setup. But unless it’s deliberate or subverted in some way, it can come off as cliched. So if your paragraph follows one of these forms, be careful!
Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who entered! I hope everyone had a good time, and I’m looking forward to having the next contest. Once I’ve recovered.
Deaf Brown Trash Punk says
congrats, Natalie… grrr i’ve been gone for almost a month in Saudi Arabia and i’ve missed out on some great blogs.
Ulysses says
Good luck with the recovery, and thanks for the perspective.
I always write my opening sentences with a view toward starting the action, but there are so many other things that ought to be done to make the good become great that I’m in awe of your finalists.
I’m going to need a lot of work.
Y’know, writing a good opening paragraph is HARD. I think I’ll concentrate on something easier next time, like building a scale model of the Los Angeles freeway with dental floss.
Kat Harris says
Congrats Natalie and all.
Thanks for the contest Nathan.
As always, it was fun.
Erica says
Congratulations to Natalie, and thank you so much, Nathan, for the time spent reading and commenting.
Whirlochre says
Hoorah for Natalie.
Kiersten says
ROCK ON! Natalie’s my girl ; ) Thanks for taking the time to do this, Nathan. What fun.
Also, I can vouch–the rest of Natalie’s books? Just as good as that paragraph!
Professor Tarr says
Congrats Natalie… and to all who entered. There is great stuff. It is really lovely to have a peer group that is so supportive and strong. It makes you really consider your craft in a positive new way. Too long, I feel I have been writing for myself. This is valuable… really valuable.
Jeanie W says
Congratulations, Natalie.
Thanks again, Nathan, for hosting the contest. And thanks to everyone who entered. I really enjoyed reading the entries.
Serena C. says
Way to go, Natalie! And thanks, Nathan, for the followup comments. I will try to apply your insights to my writing.
Can’t wait till the next contest. Yeah, I know, it’s easy for ME to say! π
Erin Jade Lange says
nathan, if the finalists don’t mind you telling us – which prize did they choose? i’m just curious!
Lehcarjt says
Congrats to Natalie and the other finalists. This was a wonderful opportunity for all of us.
My entry definitely falls into category number one – intentionally too, although until Nathan’s comments I never realized that there were such exacting patterns to openings. The problem though, is how to recognize if it works or is just another cliche?
Lady Glamis says
Thank you, Nathan, for the contest!
Congratulations, Natalie! You did a fine job, and definitely deserve to win the most votes. π
I appreciate all the kind comments made about my paragraph, and I have to say, Nathan is right. There were many good, finely written gems to choose from from the 1300 submissions. And even harder, 6 hard ones to vote on! I liked them all, but voted for Alexa’s. Alexa, who are you, and where can I read more of your story?
I would talk about my prize, maybe, but not sure if Nathan wants that discussed publicly?
–MA (Michelle Argyle), author of Monarch, the story of Nicholas Avery and the bloody butterfly wings
Anonymous says
Great job Natalie!! Well deserved and I wish you the very best of luck.
Thank you Nathan.
Morgan
Misssy M says
They were all interesting in their own way- I found it hard to plump for just one. Congratulations to Natalie.
I hope you all get the deals you long for! (mainly because I want to see how they all end!)
Ann Victor says
Especially well done to Natalie, and to all the finalists, and a special BRAVO to all who were brave enough to put their first paragraphs out there.
And thanks to Nathan for the competition. This was a great learning curve, even for those of us (like me!) who never entered. π
Justus M. Bowman says
Rather than post anonymously as a bitter man, I decided to not post at all. Some cartoon rabbit taught me that once.
Fortunately, I could see the writing skill in each paragraph, and I’m glad you didn’t pick all the “A big explosion blew his head off, then he put it right back on.” paragraphs. Interesting, sure…ha ha…but it’s so overused!
A teacher made me read a story that started with something like, “A guy woke up as a beetle.” I hated that stupid story! You can’t assume a tale is great just because it starts with an “exciting” line.
I learned that one on my own.
CC says
ATTENTION MORGAN:
In today’s front page of my local newspaper, The Gazette (Colorado Springs, CO) there is an article on a three day old baby having surgery to remove what they thought was a brain tumor, but turned out to be a FOOT of what was described as a “twin within a twin” situation similar to that in your opening paragraph. Truth stranger than fiction? Egads…
https://www.gazette.com/articles/brain_44861___article.html/sam_doctor.html
***
Thanks for the explanations of why you picked some and not others, Nathan, this is indeed helpful.
And a big Congrats to Natalie.
Renee Collins says
Alright Natalie!!! I am doing the happy dance for you!
And I second Kiersten’s comment, Natalie can WRITE! This is a well deserved win. π
Roland says
In particular, I really respect the second sentence: “Of course, heβs says it all ninja-like, but thatβs the gist.” A paragraph about ninja school itself might make a good opener, but this sentence builds a character: the narrator’s father adopts a ninja-like voice to say something as simple as “keep it simple stupid.” Hilarious!
haha exactly the sentence I kept going back to when I finally voted for her.
Natalie says
Okay, I refreshed the page a few times and it still says my name. Wow. With such great finalists, I really didn’t expect this! Thanks so much to everyone for all the nice comments.
Anonymous says
CC,
Actually there is a Tetragametic Chimera, itβs just very uncommon and around forty cases have been documented to exist. Most donβt get to the chimera stage because one twin becomes parasitic to the other.
Thank you for the linkβ¦research is everything.
Again, congrats to Natalie and another thank you to Nathan.
Morgan
Marilyn Peake says
Congratulations, Natalie!
Thank you for holding the contest, Nathan, and for explaining how you selected the Finalists.
Robena Grant says
Congratulations, Natalie!
Also congrats. to all of the finalists.
Thanks so much for running the contest and for the explanations Nathan. Back to the drawing board.
lotusloq says
A big huge CONGRATS to Natalie!! That is such a marketable subject these days too. My daughter would love it! So would I for that matter.
Thanks, Nathan, for explaining your reasoning behind your choices! I always learn so much in your explanations.
teennovelist says
Congratulations, Natalie!
Thanks for running this contest, Nathan. It means a lot to have a chance to exhibit writing–and all those entries, wow! What a feat.
Juliette Dominguez says
Congrats, Natalie — your ninjas rock! And they were all great picks, Nathan. And a joy to read — plus, as someone else noted, it’s fascinating to see how other writers start their books…
Crimogenic says
Congrats, Natalie! :), Great contest and really cool to see such great openers to novels! π
uch says
congrats to the finalists and thanks, nathan, for the specifics. here’s a question for when you recover: how do you dust yourself off (the general, writerly you not you, nathan) and keep plugging away. i know rejection is part of the process and it’s all a matter of taste (and good writing) but i can’t help but doubt myself when the rejection hits. my book has much opening dialogue which i like but isn’t very popular with your blog readers. i don’t have sour grapes for losing, more wondering when i should return my grapes or stop eating grapes altogether!
Anonymous says
Nathan:
You said that one of the things you’re looking for in an opening paragraph is good grammar, and yet Natalie’s now famous line has the error “say’s.” If this had been an actual submission to you, how much would something like that impact your analysis of the author’s work? Would you overlook it it, as was done here, or would it cause you to reject it?
This is not intended to be a snarky comment about Natalie’s writing, which other than this error was truly wonderful.
Juliana Stone says
I had a blast reading so many freaking entries! Such diversity…I myself voted for MA….the visual was just stunning to me….BUT a huge congrats to Natalie and to others as well!
Scott (Thinking Man) says
Thank you, again, Nathan for the contest.
Nathan, I wondered if you (or anyone in this community) might know of any good editors in the Detroit area that like working with fiction writing newbies?
I joined a writing group about six months ago and I’ve received some good feedback. I’m also reading a lot about the craft (currently: Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Browne/King).
But I still feel like I’m flailing. I’m writing a novel and, when I finish the first draft, I’d like to work with someone that REALLY knows what they’re doing (and is reasonably priced, of course).
Thanks,
Scott
Lady Glamis says
Thanks for your vote, Juliana! –MA
Nathan Bransford says
anon-
That’s a good question. When I’m reading I try to distinguish between mistakes that are just typos (which is how I read Natalie’s) vs. word choices that reflect a poor understanding of grammar (such as messing up they’re/their/there more than once). Also, the typo was actually “he’s says,” rather than “say’s,” so it’s very firmly in the typo realm.
I’m very very very forgiving about typos (I never care when people misspell my name, for instance), and I’ll let the occasional brain freeze homonym problem go. But really glaring errors definitely give me pause.
JaneyV says
Congrats Natalie! You rule!
Nathan thanks for another great contest and for explaining your choices. To all the finalists – great work!
Natalie says
AnonβI can’t tell you now embarrassed I was about that typo. I didn’t enter thinking I was going to get picked, so I just typed into the comment box and totally didn’t look over it. (See? DON’T do that.) I debated resubmitting, but thought that might be more annoying and draw attention to it. I’m really grateful it was “overlooked.”
Natalie says
And I just can’t type! I totally reread my last comment and STILL…
Leis says
Congratulations on the brilliant win and wonderful praise, Natalie, you must be pleased! π
All the finalists came out with terrific work, well done. There were many other good entries and I think we all are grateful for this opportunity to both showcase and learn. Personally, I am both enlightened and humbled by the experience, and finally starting to understand… well, guess we’ll see about that.
Thank you Nathan for the priceless insights. I look forward to the next contest (once you recover, of course).
Crystal D says
Thanks for going into such detail about your choices Nathan. Do you think you could maybe post up some of the paragraphs that caught your eye but didn’t make it into the finals?
Dara says
Congrats Natalie!
I realized something…I fell into one of those patterns o_O Specifically pattern number 3.
I tend to have problems with beginning a scene–I seem to fall back on the whole weather scene entirely too much. π
When I go back and edit, I’ll make sure to give extra attention to my first paragraph.
Thanks Nathan for the contest and for the explanations too–especially the similar patterns. It helps me see how to fix mine or at least what may be wrong with it π
RW says
All those opening grafs were so sharp. They definitely made me go back and lock at mine with a different kind of critical eye. Thanks Nathan for a useful learning opportunity even for those who didn’t submit anything.
Lupina says
My best congrats to Natalie and her ninjas. Nathan, I also appreciated that you took the time to lay out your thought process for each — most instructive!
Here is an idea for the next contest: back cover copy. Wouldn't that be closer to what would be included in a query than the first paragraph? Also, when I've taken time to read the first paragraphs of most books on the best-seller racks in, say, B&N, few of them impress me as much as the winners in this contest. My next step is always the back cover copy and that determines whether I'll look further.
I think this contest would be tougher for entrants but worth the work.
sylvia says
Congrats Natalie, great stuff!
There were some great story starters here, I’m really looking forward to seeing these in a book one day. I’m sure I’ll stare for ages thinking…now why does that sound familiar?
Anonymous says
Congrats, Natalie.
All the winners help all of us too.
And Morgan, wow… just read a related article:
https://www.katewerk.com/chimera.html
what an intriguing topic to
write a fiction around!!!!
Nathan,
Hope this isn’t too stupid of a question:
How important is introducing the character specifically in the first paragraph? Doesn’t setting give hints (i.e., who would be in such a setting, etc.)?
Thanks!!
Alexa says
Congratulations Natalie! I loved your opening and am dying to read more.
Thank you everyone who voted for me and for all you comments, they were great to read π
And thanks to Nathan for having the competition!
dylan says
Mr. Bransford – Thanks for the contest.
Maybe the next contest would be somewhat more inclusive and generate less snarking among the disappointed also-rans if you included an intermediate “Semi-Finalist” stage with more opportunities to recognize other contenders who were good but not the best.
Or perhaps an “Honorable Mention” category.
Congratalie to Natalie. dylan
MzMannerz says
Congratulations, Natalie!
I voted for Steve, but I liked her paragraph as well. Tough choices.
Interesting comments, Nathan, thank you for sharing them.
Back to Natalie: will we find out which prize she chose?
Lisa Melts Her Penn says
Thank you for a very fun contest, Nathan. I appreciated your run-down today. It’s good to be reminded of what grabs a reader right off the bat. Now I’m curious to look into the future and see if any of the six winners will land a book contract! Good luck to all of you and all of the rest of us.
Cat Moleski says
Congrats to Natalie! And thanks, Nathan, for the contest and the follow up on your thought process. will have me re-reading my entry.
Amber Lynn Argyle says
Congrats to you all!
Mira says
Natalie, congratulations!I hope this is just the first step toward a really rewarding writing career.
And congrats again to all the finalists! Nice work!