Hello. I’m Donald Draper, partner at Sterling Cooper, America’s leading independent advertising firm, and subject of the hit television show Mad Men. You can call me Don once we’ve had a few martinis.
You may know me for my good looks and penetrating yet soulful facial expressions, as demonstrated by this picture. You may also know me for my ability to mesmerize executives with ruminations on the American Dream during smoke-filled advertising pitch sessions. They usually buy it. And if they don’t buy it we send them to the gentlemen’s club until they’ll buy anything.
Nathan asked me to help him judge this contest. I must say, being from the ad world has taught me a few things over the years. For instance, don’t let a broad get hysterical. And bad news should be taken sitting down, with a stiff drink in your hand. Thanks. I’ll have another.
As an ad man, I was reading these paragraphs for clues. Clues on whether someone has a novel that I can sell. Because selling is the thing. People want to be eased into a novel. They don’t want to be throttled by first paragraphs. They want the scene to be set and the characters revealed. They want subtlety, and proper word choice, grammar, sentence structure, and seamless readability. Clues that the rest of the package is a sure thing.
Let’s talk about voice. I’m a man of few words. Too much chattiness wears me down, especially at the dinner table, where talking is strictly forbidden. If you look closely at your favorite novels, they are not that chatty. Just a hint goes a long way. Like paprika.
I have chosen six finalists, which are coincidentally but conveniently spread among several different genres. Please vote on your favorite in the comments section of this post. You will have until Monday at 4pm Pacific to vote, and anonymous votes will not be counted.
And look. I like to give everyone a fair shake. No e-mails to 10,000 of your closest friends asking them to vote for you, and no open campaigning on the internet.
Here are your finalists:
Natalie:
According to my father, the first rule of ninjutsu is KISS: keep it simple, stupid. Of course, he’s says it all ninja-like, but that’s the gist. If you can walk down the street in normal clothes, there’s no need for black garb and grappling hooks. If you can kill a dude in two moves, don’t waste your time with three. And that’s why we run a karate school for all those little kids who get beat up at school—two ninjas hiding in the most obvious place, and the last spot anyone looks.
Morgan:
The world is different now. What once was a time of wealth and security now is an unforgiveable Thunderdome world without heroes. I was born into this world like no other, a singular blue and brown eyed abnormality without equal—a Tetragametic Chimera with Heterochromia eyes. My mother had carried two fertilized eggs that should have become fraternal twins, one twin with blue eyes and the other with brown but our separate cells fused together inside her womb. Instead of the eggs connecting as one immediately, creating the more common Tetragametic Chimera anomaly, they formed independent of each other for the first seven days of gestation and then bonded into that rarest of rare miracle. It took God seven days to create the world and it took seven days to create what I am—two independent savant minds born inside one body, a single being with two completely different sets of DNA, one eye brown and the other eye blue—a twin inside a twin.
Steve Axelrod:
On a bright humid morning in June, a sixteen year old girl named Deborah Garrison stepped off the boat from Hyannis, walked ahead of her mother down into the crowded summer streets and set everything in motion. She didn’t seem special; just one more pretty girl on a summer island crowded with them. And she didn’t actually do anything; nothing that happened later was her fault. The simple, irreducible fact of her presence was enough. Even years later, the consequences and implications of Debbie’s arrival seem bizarre and implausible, far too much to balance on those thin sunburned shoulders. It was like setting off an avalanche with a sigh.
MA:
The blood pooling under the dead man’s back reminded Nicholas Avery of butterfly wings. It spread from the twin wounds, sweeping to each side in graceful arcs that sparkled beneath the kitchen lights.
Alexa:
If the funeral were taking place in one of my Mom’s novels then it would be winter and it would be raining. The sky would be overcast and there would be the distant rumble of thunder as the casket was lowered into the ground. The weather can’t always match the occasion though. Today the sky was a blinding blue and in the manicured graveyard there was no escape from the sun. I could feel my black dress growing damp and my feet, enclosed in unaccustomed heels, expanding by the second. I glanced at my Mom, standing ramrod straight beside me, dressed in defiant yellow and movie star sunglasses. Despite makeup her face was pale. Her bloodless lips were clamped together in the expression she had worn for the last two days, ever since she had walked into our newly rented apartment and announced, “Pack everything up, we’re going home, your Grandfather died.”
Chris:
My heliophobia support group met in an old schoolhouse whose main doors had been welded shut and painted blue. You entered around back, up the Z-shaped wheelchair ramp. I’d been attending for years and knew every hall and every stairwell in that place, even saw the belfry once, having shimmied up a ladder hidden in the supply closet. Nothing up there but dust and bird shit and some failed eggs, not even a bell. Just wooden slats through which the sun broke like streaky clown tears. Which didn’t scare me. It’s not that any of us feared the sun, it wasn’t that simple. We simply loathed its intentions. We had already betrayed its destiny and, like everything else in our lives, it was born just to expire.
Congratulations to the finalists. Please e-mail Nathan to discuss your prize.
Have a good weekend. I’m going for a drive in my Studebaker. It should be lovely.
T-Anne says
Sorry for the double post thought the first one was deleted 😉
Carol says
Natalie gets my vote.
Writer Gal says
I think what I learned from this exercise was that these choices reflect, perhaps, Nathan’s own personal reading choices. In other words, these are openings to books that he would enjoy reading, but I may not.
Does this show us something about the subjectivity of agenting? If you wouldn’t read my novel all the way through on your free time, would you still be willing to represent it if you thought it was well-written and marketable? Or do you have to personally love it–do you know what I mean?
Sorry for the question without a vote.
GLLancour says
All fine entries. Steve Axelrod’s gets my vote for the best.
Anonymous says
Axelrod? More like AxelKing…
the Amateur Book Blogger says
Chris.
Liked the concept the most. Liked the twins sci-fi too, but all pieces well written.
Congrats to you all and to everyone who didn’t but were brave enough to submit an entry for public reading.
BIG THANKS to NB for time and effort on the contest, and Mr. Draper for guest appearance.
dan radke says
I wasn’t completely blown away by any of these either, but that’s due to my tastes. All of them are certainly well written.
Actually, I did like Chris‘s paragraph. I woulda kept reading. He gets my vote.
Jenn says
My vote is for Steve Axelrod.
Marcelle says
I vote for Chris
Jo says
They’re all great but I’m voting for Natalie.
Kristan says
I vote for Steve Axelrod’s! Really nicely done.
Anonymous says
People want to be eased into a novel. They don’t want to be throttled by first paragraphs. They want the scene to be set and the characters revealed. They want subtlety
They do? Cause that’s not what we’ve been told in writing classes and at conventions lo! these many years. It’s all about the HOOK, baby!
And no, I don’t like any of them, either, so I shall abstain.
opermoda says
Chris’s is the entry I’d like to read more of.
jimnduncan says
My vote is for Natalie. Not the most elegantly written of the six, but it intrigued me the most, and that’s what counts for me when looking at those opening lines
Bea says
All well written, but I vote for Steve’s.
Subjective reasoning below included for Nathan’s benefit, since he’s probably also gathering info on what makes readers tick:
Natalie: Some people love ninjas. They don’t interest me unless they include Jackie Chan. From this opening I can’t tell which way the story will go. Maybe a second paragraph would convince me to read on (or a back cover blurb).
Morgan: I like sf but got bogged down in the technical detail too soon
Steve: this gave me something I could see, ended with a beautiful metaphor – but am I interested in the antics of a 16-year-old? Maybe. I’d probably read on to find out, especially if there were a hint of who was most affected by the teen’s arrival.
MA: I shy away from stories that open with a murder. Other people like them.
Alexa: so many movies begin with a funeral scene, because it’s a visual shorthand, “someone important to the protagonist died and now everything has changed” all said in four seconds of screen time because in our culture the images are unmistakable. But that means the funeral opening has become a cliché. She’s used it well to describe the mother’s character, but I’m already expecting one more one-location dissection of a dysfunctional family.
Chris: I stumbled on the second word, first read it as “helicopter.” Wouldn’t have that problem if the word were replaced it with something like “sun shunners support group” which would go with the later assertion that the people in the group don’t really fear the sun.
Erin says
i vote for natalie's! love the pace & tone
megs says
Loved Natalie. Very funny and wondering what will happen next.
Anonymous says
Axelrod.
-Kayley- says
I vote for Natalie!
Kate H says
Steve Axelrod.
But it was a close call–good work, finalists.
Theo Lynne says
I really liked Morgan and Alexa but my vote is going to go to:
MORGAN
The Screaming Guppy says
Morgan.
The last sentence gave me chills. 🙂
candicekennington says
I vote for Natalie!
Rene says
Steve Axelrod. I’m a sucker for a simile, too.
madison says
Great finalists! Thanks, Nathan!!
My vote goes to Steve…
Best of luck!
Shelley Ledfors says
Tough call…I can’t say I “loved” any of them. But I’ll vote for Alexa.
Anonymous says
Chris!
~ania
Nathan Bransford says
anon@11:42-
This was a first paragraph contest, not a first hook contest. Melville didn’t begin MOBY DICK talking about Ahab and the whale, Dickens didn’t begin A TALE OF TWO CITIES talking about the guillotine.
I can understand if these finalists don’t represent books that people would buy. Everyone likes something different!
However — if you can’t see that they are well-written…. I don’t know what to tell you. They are.
Serena C. says
I like Steve Axelrod’s the best. Alexa second.
Admittedly, I am voting for the one that most interests me, which may or may not be the one with the absolute strongest writing.
Thanks, Nathan, for the fun!
gwen says
Oh baby, Don Draper. Good choice, Nathan. 😉 He could judge my contest anytime. I mean… what?
My vote goes to Alexa. 😉
J. Lea Lopez says
MORGAN
I totally want to read that story. HOWEVER, I’d scrap those first two sentences about how the world is different. Seems superfluous and not nearly as interesting as Tetragametic Chimerism!! haha. I was very intrigued by that paragraph.
Melanie Avila says
That was hard, they are all very good! I vote for Morgan.
Amanda C. says
I vote for Natalie.
Lisa Melts Her Penn says
1. Natalie
2. Steve
3. Alexa
For intrigue of story, voice, and precision of language.
dylan says
These finalists are all good, and it’s a tough call but I’ll go with Steve Axelrod. Well done, Steve.
I read an awful lot of the entries over the last few days, and I have to grudgingly extend a blanket congratulations across the board. There are so many good writers with so many unique strategies for grabbing the reader’s interest with just a few sentences. It’s infuriating. Well done, all. dylan
emilymurdoch says
Congratulations to all the finalists, and kudos to the bravery of all who entered their hard-spun paragraphs.
My vote is for Steve Axelrod. His paragraph would entice me to read a kind of book I wouldn’t usually read.
You write beautifully, Steve.
Nathan Bransford says
Being disrespectful does not make one a better writer. Guys, I’m getting close to closing comments. If you can’t say something positive and constructive, just move on to another blog.
Rebecca LuElla Miller says
Alexa.
Her paragraph captured my interest and had me asking questions. Who died, being the main one. I did wonder if the answer didn’t come too quickly, but I cared a lot more about these characters than any of the others.
Natalie’s paragraph introduces an interesting premise, and I might keep reading, but the first two sentences almost had me skipping the rest of the entry.
Becky
marieconley3 says
My vote goes to MA. Beautiful imagery.
Alicia says
Congrats to the finalists!
My vote is for Natalie.
The Sentence Sleuth says
I would vote for Steve as that was the only one that intrigued me.
rupeboyd says
I vote for Alexa
emilymurdoch says
I hope you don’t close the comments, and instead, keep weeding out the disgruntled.
These finalists deserve their moment in the sun. If one of the disgruntled had instead placed, they’d want their moment, too.
Thanks for the contest, Nathan, and for all the work it continues to entail. It’s been a *very* thrilling few days.
Erin Jade Lange says
hi nathan!
so, does that mean you chose your finalists strictly based on writing? did you also lean toward topics/subjects that interest you?
just curious whether the ones that leap out at you for contest purposes would be the same that would grab you if you were reading the partials of potential clients.
by the way, i’m not voting only because i can’t choose! i like them all for different reasons. 🙂
Nathan Bransford says
Erin-
I went for the ones that I thought were the best written. There’s some subjectivity in that choice since I was choosing among so many that were well-written, but I’m confident that the ones I chose are among the best.
Tom Burchfield says
I’ll vote forAlexa
(sorry, I didn’t participate this time; I haven’t been blogging either; in fact, I’ve been using finishing my novel as an excuse not to hang around online and blog.
I can hear Arianna Huffington now: “You vil never become a great blogger if you do not stop writing that novel!”
chipvw says
My choice: Steve. Re Don Draper: inspired, evocative. If anybody’s a WIP, it’s Don.
Nancy D'Inzillo says
My vote goes to Chris. I’d happily read a book about a group of heliophobes. The language in the last sentence is particularly compelling in that it makes me want to know more: how have these people already betrayed the sun’s destiny? I’d buy it!
Anonymous says
I feel really sorry for those of you who can’t be supportive of the finalists. So, you disagree with Nathan? That’s your right. But say thank you and go work on your craft. It is hard for ALL of us in the writing community; you’re not alone.
And even if you are the best writer out there and Nathan has made some huge mistake here in overlooking your beautiful paragraph, no agent wants a client that’s so full of himself he can’t take criticism and suggestions for improvement.
Thanks for all you do, Nathan. It’s above and beyond, and appreciated by most.
Paul Michael Murphy says
I love ninjas, but Steve Axelrod’s para flows so rhythmically. It was my favorite to read aloud.