Hello. I’m Donald Draper, partner at Sterling Cooper, America’s leading independent advertising firm, and subject of the hit television show Mad Men. You can call me Don once we’ve had a few martinis.
You may know me for my good looks and penetrating yet soulful facial expressions, as demonstrated by this picture. You may also know me for my ability to mesmerize executives with ruminations on the American Dream during smoke-filled advertising pitch sessions. They usually buy it. And if they don’t buy it we send them to the gentlemen’s club until they’ll buy anything.
Nathan asked me to help him judge this contest. I must say, being from the ad world has taught me a few things over the years. For instance, don’t let a broad get hysterical. And bad news should be taken sitting down, with a stiff drink in your hand. Thanks. I’ll have another.
As an ad man, I was reading these paragraphs for clues. Clues on whether someone has a novel that I can sell. Because selling is the thing. People want to be eased into a novel. They don’t want to be throttled by first paragraphs. They want the scene to be set and the characters revealed. They want subtlety, and proper word choice, grammar, sentence structure, and seamless readability. Clues that the rest of the package is a sure thing.
Let’s talk about voice. I’m a man of few words. Too much chattiness wears me down, especially at the dinner table, where talking is strictly forbidden. If you look closely at your favorite novels, they are not that chatty. Just a hint goes a long way. Like paprika.
I have chosen six finalists, which are coincidentally but conveniently spread among several different genres. Please vote on your favorite in the comments section of this post. You will have until Monday at 4pm Pacific to vote, and anonymous votes will not be counted.
And look. I like to give everyone a fair shake. No e-mails to 10,000 of your closest friends asking them to vote for you, and no open campaigning on the internet.
Here are your finalists:
Natalie:
According to my father, the first rule of ninjutsu is KISS: keep it simple, stupid. Of course, he’s says it all ninja-like, but that’s the gist. If you can walk down the street in normal clothes, there’s no need for black garb and grappling hooks. If you can kill a dude in two moves, don’t waste your time with three. And that’s why we run a karate school for all those little kids who get beat up at school—two ninjas hiding in the most obvious place, and the last spot anyone looks.
Morgan:
The world is different now. What once was a time of wealth and security now is an unforgiveable Thunderdome world without heroes. I was born into this world like no other, a singular blue and brown eyed abnormality without equal—a Tetragametic Chimera with Heterochromia eyes. My mother had carried two fertilized eggs that should have become fraternal twins, one twin with blue eyes and the other with brown but our separate cells fused together inside her womb. Instead of the eggs connecting as one immediately, creating the more common Tetragametic Chimera anomaly, they formed independent of each other for the first seven days of gestation and then bonded into that rarest of rare miracle. It took God seven days to create the world and it took seven days to create what I am—two independent savant minds born inside one body, a single being with two completely different sets of DNA, one eye brown and the other eye blue—a twin inside a twin.
Steve Axelrod:
On a bright humid morning in June, a sixteen year old girl named Deborah Garrison stepped off the boat from Hyannis, walked ahead of her mother down into the crowded summer streets and set everything in motion. She didn’t seem special; just one more pretty girl on a summer island crowded with them. And she didn’t actually do anything; nothing that happened later was her fault. The simple, irreducible fact of her presence was enough. Even years later, the consequences and implications of Debbie’s arrival seem bizarre and implausible, far too much to balance on those thin sunburned shoulders. It was like setting off an avalanche with a sigh.
MA:
The blood pooling under the dead man’s back reminded Nicholas Avery of butterfly wings. It spread from the twin wounds, sweeping to each side in graceful arcs that sparkled beneath the kitchen lights.
Alexa:
If the funeral were taking place in one of my Mom’s novels then it would be winter and it would be raining. The sky would be overcast and there would be the distant rumble of thunder as the casket was lowered into the ground. The weather can’t always match the occasion though. Today the sky was a blinding blue and in the manicured graveyard there was no escape from the sun. I could feel my black dress growing damp and my feet, enclosed in unaccustomed heels, expanding by the second. I glanced at my Mom, standing ramrod straight beside me, dressed in defiant yellow and movie star sunglasses. Despite makeup her face was pale. Her bloodless lips were clamped together in the expression she had worn for the last two days, ever since she had walked into our newly rented apartment and announced, “Pack everything up, we’re going home, your Grandfather died.”
Chris:
My heliophobia support group met in an old schoolhouse whose main doors had been welded shut and painted blue. You entered around back, up the Z-shaped wheelchair ramp. I’d been attending for years and knew every hall and every stairwell in that place, even saw the belfry once, having shimmied up a ladder hidden in the supply closet. Nothing up there but dust and bird shit and some failed eggs, not even a bell. Just wooden slats through which the sun broke like streaky clown tears. Which didn’t scare me. It’s not that any of us feared the sun, it wasn’t that simple. We simply loathed its intentions. We had already betrayed its destiny and, like everything else in our lives, it was born just to expire.
Congratulations to the finalists. Please e-mail Nathan to discuss your prize.
Have a good weekend. I’m going for a drive in my Studebaker. It should be lovely.
Kat Harris says
MA gets my vote.
Scott says
Not a criticism, I guess, but more of an observation: it seems that many here are voting for the type of story, or one that “they’d pick up” rather than the merits of the paragraph alone. In those cases, the contest could have just been loglines.
A few that I’ve read have addressed the paragraph specifically, some both, but quite a few comments represent a subjective critique, which pretty much dooms anyone who is writing about less than popular, or less defined, subject matter.
Bea says
for anon Dec 12 1:25 pm
While you’re at it, feel sorry for those of us who post under one name then can’t figure out how we did that, so later comments get posted under another name. AArrrrgh! Are cyber-gremlins changing my passwords?
Nathan Bransford says
Good point, Scott. Do people think they would have voted differently if I had said to vote not for the one you would most like to read but rather the one that is best within its respective genre?
Anonymous says
I like Natalie’s best by far.
I also quite liked Steve Axelrod’s until it got a little heavy handed.
The others… meh. I can see why they were selected, but none of them stands out for me.
Anonymous says
Nathan,
You’ve got a great blog but I’m finding it has become sort of addictive (anybody else check blogs daily?) Gawd…I go from yours to Colleens to Jennifers and to Bookends then to Janet’s. And this all started after the presidential election, which was my number one source of news fix. I think I’ll do like Tom, give it a break and polish my work. I say this while listening to my iPod, typing on a computer and bouncing from Fox to MSNBC and CNN.
I’m in an astral flux of Mass information and I gotta go cold turkey. All the finalists are number 1, that’s my vote.
And for the disappointed?
Try wide right at the Super Bowl, then going to the Super Bowl three more times and coming up empty, then starting the 2008 season 5 and O and losing just about every game after that. NOW THATS DISAPPOINTMENT
signed, cold hearted in Buffalo
Kat Harris says
We can only make an assumption as to what genre each fits into. I’m guessing the one I voted for is crime or thriller. I’m a fan of literary.
MA captured me with imagery.
Thanks for having this contest Nathan. With more than 1,200 entries — many of them really good — I don’t know how your eyes didn’t glaze over choosing finalists.
KS says
I actually loved these, so this was a tough decision. My favs were Steve Axelrod and Natalie – can I vote for two? Both pulled me in and I think I’d go for whichever mood I was in.
dana p says
I’m no ninjaphile, but it doesn’t matter — I found Natalie’s paragraph irresistible.
A vote for Natalie!
Bea says
Yes. Maybe you should do some genre-specific contests. Might cut down on the number of entries you have to read at any one time, especially if you have a shorter submission period.
theartgirl says
Chris.
coll
JD Spikes says
Congrats to the finalists! I’ve narrowed it to Natalie, Steve and MA but since you can only vote for one, I’m going to have to go with Steve. The writing is evocative. I like the avalanche line. Makes you believe whatever bad thing is about to happen, it’ll chill you.
JD
MzMannerz says
I vote for Steve Axelrod.
:)Ash says
Nathan:
I think it probably would make a difference. I voted for Natalie’s paragraph, which I believe was fun and well-written. However, I happen to be an MG/YA writer, and I’m sure that influenced my decision.
Kandis Burns says
a vote for alexa
kitty says
I cast my vote for Steve because I wanted to read more. And I loved his last line: It was like setting off an avalanche with a sigh. Very descriptive!
Btw, Alexa wasthisclose to beating Steve.
…
Anonymous says
Nathan, there probably is some genre preference going on in the voting, i.e. taste over craft.
I think the cranky people need to go to the corner, drink some eggnog, and chill out. I read all of the paragraphs and wasn’t surprised by your picks. I remembered each one of them, because the writing jumped out at me.
CapitolClio says
Anon at 2:31 is CapitolClio.
I hit the button too soon. Oops.
Jennifer Spiller says
My vote goes to Alexa.
For the record, I read a lot of romance, urban fantasy and mystery, but this one is the one I remembered 8 hours after reading the entries. Some of the images really stick with you.
Second runner up is definitely the twin inside a twin thing, though. That was just odd enough to grab me.
Lea Schizas - Author/Editor says
From all the entries, Steve’s was the best for me. It had me wondering whether there was a Stephen King aura to it or perhaps a romance that went terribly wrong.
Bad thing about one paragraphs is that although some may draw you in, you just don’t know if it’s the same old theme rehashed. Maybe a logline contest next would be fun.
Cam says
My vote — MORGAN!
I’ve been thinking of this one since I read it the first time, and have read it five or six times since Tuesday.
Good luck!
Cam
colleen4 says
Steve Axelrod….I already want to know what the heck happens!!
terri says
I’ll go for Morgan. I’m a horror/genre type and this one fit best. I’ve seen chimerism used in police procedurals [your skin and your blood have different DNA] and find the concept interesting.
Ramen with cheese says
I was all sour apples last night, but rationality has finally whapped my sorry self back into place. Great job all finalists. 🙂
dutch says
Thanks for the great contest, Nathan
My vote – Steve Axelrod
mary beth says
I hear what Scott at 1:39 was saying, but I think most people are most attracted to what they already like or have an interest in. That being said, it seems voters are voting for subject and style.
Hilary says
I vote for Steve Axelrod. Carefully constructed, good foreshadowing, already solid character. Every word in that paragraph doing work.
Thanks, Nathan, and congratulations to the finalists!
The Crystal Faerie says
Congrats to all the finalists.
cast the vote…
-rolls dice-
MA!
lol
emilymurdoch says
Nathan wrote:
Good point, Scott. Do people think they would have voted differently if I had said to vote not for the one you would most like to read but rather the one that is best within its respective genre?
~*~*~*~*~
The best writing bursts from its genre, really, and becomes the writing one wants to read. So isn’t it a moot point, in a way?
I voted for Steve for that reason — his paragraph had me wanting to read a genre/style I wouldn’t usally read.
JMHO. I hear what Scott’s saying, though.
The Carnal Philosopher says
Pick #1: Chris
Pick #2 the ninja one
Dimato says
Steve has my vote…I really want to know what happened.
Kim says
Great Contest! My vote goes to Natalie!
Anonymous says
Doesn’t anyone want to laugh anymore? I’ll take something funny over another dark work of fiction.
Julia Weston says
Chris gets my vote.
Congrats to the finalists.
yvettesgonefishing says
I just wanted to pop in again real quick–I think several people missed the portion of the voting rules that says that votes under “anonymous” won’t be counted. There are some very good, qualified comments and votes in here and they’re under “anonymous.” It’s sad to think they won’t affect the result.
Steve Ulfelder says
I vote MA. Just cut “graceful” and it’s perfect.
OscarB says
Congratulations to all of the finalists. It’s a tough choice but my vote goes to Chris because I’m particularly intrigued by the heliophobic narrator.
And as a first-time commenter, I’d also like to thank Nathan for an awesome blog that has taught me a lot about the craft and business of writing over the past few months. Thanks!
thomas j. cooper, the third says
I vote Morgan
Anonymous says
MA
Anonymous says
Remember, voters, Anonymous comments don’t count.
Gerri says
Steve Axelrod’s paragraph is the one for me.
Erin Jade Lange says
changed my mind. i’m voting!
after rereading all the entries and trying to judge on writing alone, rather than topic…. i pick CHRIS!
i can really see the picture the author is painting clearly in my mind and especially love the last line.
Anonymous says
I guess this is why the business is subjective. I like books which start out the way these finalist have as well as books that hit you over the head.
The one thing I noticed is none of these have any actual dialogue, only deep POV, which is fine, except sometimes dialogue is what hooks you.
Congrats to all the finalist and to everyone who had the courage to put your stuff out there.
My vote goes to Axelrod, I want to know what happens next.
And Knowledge, you really can’t use other peoples hooks. Just not a good thing to do.
havah says
Congrats to the finalists, but Steve Axelrod is the only one who makes my cut. Sensationalism might sell, but that doesn’t make it good.
His first paragraph is a great hook, and sets the scene without excessive adjectives: it invites you in. Subtle, simple and stylish…it’s the only one I’d continue reading.
Addie says
Since I can’t vote for Donald Draper, I’m please to cast my ballot for Alexa. I’m so intrigued to read more about her character’s mother.
Fantastic contest, wonderful work by all the finalists.
Chase March says
I vote for Alexa.
Thanks for having this contest. I liked Steve’s as well. But Alexa gets my vote. Her story is one that I would like to keep reading. I want to see more.
cgenova says
1. MA – for unforgettable visual
2. Natalie – for voice
Emily Marshall says
My vote is for Natalie.
LindaBudz says
Wow, some great choices. I’m going to go with Natalie. Congrats to the finalists!
Anonymous says
Steve’s opening paragraph had these words: far too much to balance on those thin sunburned shoulders
I got a feeling, a picture, a mood and an interest for more reading these words.