Hello. I’m Donald Draper, partner at Sterling Cooper, America’s leading independent advertising firm, and subject of the hit television show Mad Men. You can call me Don once we’ve had a few martinis.
You may know me for my good looks and penetrating yet soulful facial expressions, as demonstrated by this picture. You may also know me for my ability to mesmerize executives with ruminations on the American Dream during smoke-filled advertising pitch sessions. They usually buy it. And if they don’t buy it we send them to the gentlemen’s club until they’ll buy anything.
Nathan asked me to help him judge this contest. I must say, being from the ad world has taught me a few things over the years. For instance, don’t let a broad get hysterical. And bad news should be taken sitting down, with a stiff drink in your hand. Thanks. I’ll have another.
As an ad man, I was reading these paragraphs for clues. Clues on whether someone has a novel that I can sell. Because selling is the thing. People want to be eased into a novel. They don’t want to be throttled by first paragraphs. They want the scene to be set and the characters revealed. They want subtlety, and proper word choice, grammar, sentence structure, and seamless readability. Clues that the rest of the package is a sure thing.
Let’s talk about voice. I’m a man of few words. Too much chattiness wears me down, especially at the dinner table, where talking is strictly forbidden. If you look closely at your favorite novels, they are not that chatty. Just a hint goes a long way. Like paprika.
I have chosen six finalists, which are coincidentally but conveniently spread among several different genres. Please vote on your favorite in the comments section of this post. You will have until Monday at 4pm Pacific to vote, and anonymous votes will not be counted.
And look. I like to give everyone a fair shake. No e-mails to 10,000 of your closest friends asking them to vote for you, and no open campaigning on the internet.
Here are your finalists:
Natalie:
According to my father, the first rule of ninjutsu is KISS: keep it simple, stupid. Of course, he’s says it all ninja-like, but that’s the gist. If you can walk down the street in normal clothes, there’s no need for black garb and grappling hooks. If you can kill a dude in two moves, don’t waste your time with three. And that’s why we run a karate school for all those little kids who get beat up at school—two ninjas hiding in the most obvious place, and the last spot anyone looks.
Morgan:
The world is different now. What once was a time of wealth and security now is an unforgiveable Thunderdome world without heroes. I was born into this world like no other, a singular blue and brown eyed abnormality without equal—a Tetragametic Chimera with Heterochromia eyes. My mother had carried two fertilized eggs that should have become fraternal twins, one twin with blue eyes and the other with brown but our separate cells fused together inside her womb. Instead of the eggs connecting as one immediately, creating the more common Tetragametic Chimera anomaly, they formed independent of each other for the first seven days of gestation and then bonded into that rarest of rare miracle. It took God seven days to create the world and it took seven days to create what I am—two independent savant minds born inside one body, a single being with two completely different sets of DNA, one eye brown and the other eye blue—a twin inside a twin.
Steve Axelrod:
On a bright humid morning in June, a sixteen year old girl named Deborah Garrison stepped off the boat from Hyannis, walked ahead of her mother down into the crowded summer streets and set everything in motion. She didn’t seem special; just one more pretty girl on a summer island crowded with them. And she didn’t actually do anything; nothing that happened later was her fault. The simple, irreducible fact of her presence was enough. Even years later, the consequences and implications of Debbie’s arrival seem bizarre and implausible, far too much to balance on those thin sunburned shoulders. It was like setting off an avalanche with a sigh.
MA:
The blood pooling under the dead man’s back reminded Nicholas Avery of butterfly wings. It spread from the twin wounds, sweeping to each side in graceful arcs that sparkled beneath the kitchen lights.
Alexa:
If the funeral were taking place in one of my Mom’s novels then it would be winter and it would be raining. The sky would be overcast and there would be the distant rumble of thunder as the casket was lowered into the ground. The weather can’t always match the occasion though. Today the sky was a blinding blue and in the manicured graveyard there was no escape from the sun. I could feel my black dress growing damp and my feet, enclosed in unaccustomed heels, expanding by the second. I glanced at my Mom, standing ramrod straight beside me, dressed in defiant yellow and movie star sunglasses. Despite makeup her face was pale. Her bloodless lips were clamped together in the expression she had worn for the last two days, ever since she had walked into our newly rented apartment and announced, “Pack everything up, we’re going home, your Grandfather died.”
Chris:
My heliophobia support group met in an old schoolhouse whose main doors had been welded shut and painted blue. You entered around back, up the Z-shaped wheelchair ramp. I’d been attending for years and knew every hall and every stairwell in that place, even saw the belfry once, having shimmied up a ladder hidden in the supply closet. Nothing up there but dust and bird shit and some failed eggs, not even a bell. Just wooden slats through which the sun broke like streaky clown tears. Which didn’t scare me. It’s not that any of us feared the sun, it wasn’t that simple. We simply loathed its intentions. We had already betrayed its destiny and, like everything else in our lives, it was born just to expire.
Congratulations to the finalists. Please e-mail Nathan to discuss your prize.
Have a good weekend. I’m going for a drive in my Studebaker. It should be lovely.
Nathan Bransford says
It’s a different Steve Axelrod.
Anonymous says
Thanks Nathan. Good to put the rumor to sleep.
Deborah says
My vote goes to Alexa, because I love the voice and I’d like to read more. But Steve Axelrod gets a close second.
And for all the finalists: I think they were great and deserved to be in the top six (even though I was one of the contestants that didn’t make it!). Congratulations.
JimCripps says
Natalie gets my vote!
Jen says
Natalie. It was the most coherent and the easiest to follow.
annerallen says
Steve Axelrod’s writing is beautiful, and he creates tension without resorting to violence. Nice work.
Other Lisa says
I’m torn between Natalie’s and MA’s, but I’m gonna have to go with the ninjas.
FIONA says
MA has my vote—-wow.
Mark says
Go Natalie!!
Carol Kilgore says
I vote for Natalie. Love the voice.
Scott (Thinking Man) says
The NERVE of you people not picking my entry. I’m the greatest, bestus writer this side of George W. Bush.
Sigh, I feel better now.
Seriously, I pick MA. I like a story that grabs me by throat right out of the gate. But really good efforts by all of the finalists.
Thanks, Nathan, for the opportunity.
Chad says
Congrats finalists!
My vote goes to Chris.
Dawn says
I like something about each of them, but if I have to chose just one, I vote for Natalie. I like the humor, but all of them have something and have shown me that mine was wholly inadequate. On the plus side, they have given me something to shoot for…so it’s all good.
Thanks for the contest.
Jan Wagner says
Hello all. Well, since my opus magnus (magnum?) didn’t get selected, I have to vote for Steve Axelrod. Something about the flow and cadence of his writing made the words almost drinkable. Great work, Steve, and the same to all the other finalists.
Marti says
Congratulations to all of the finalists! Tough choice, all are really good.
First choice is Steve Axelrod, Morgan second.
Thanks Nathan, for giving aspiring authors this opportunity!
Kelly says
I have chosen…Steve.
SAVanVleck says
My vote goes for MA.
Succinct and makes me want to read more.
Betty Atkins Dominguez says
I vote for Ma, lots said with few words.
Betty Atkins Dominguez says
I have to add, all of the finalists had killer ending sentences.
Robin Breeding says
My vote is for Steve Axelrod. I think it has a great setup with lots of room for action in a compelling location. Looks like a good summer read to me!
Carol says
Steve Axelod
Leo says
Steve Ulfedler said: “I vote MA. Just cut “graceful” and it’s perfect.”
I’d leave “graceful.” It’s not purple, matches “butterfly wings,” and makes one wonder why the wounds are twin ones. It also adds a better prose poem rhythm to the phrase: “sweeping to each side in graceful arcs that sparkled beneath the kitchen lights.”
pearlythebunny says
I vote for Chris.
Anonymous says
Thank you everybody for your kind words and votes. I think all of the paragraphs were finely written and chosen.
My vote would go to Alexa. I like to be hit with character right off the bat. I also love stories about mothers and daughters. And this mother sounds like a great character to get to know. Absolutely intriguing!
Great descriptions, too. I love description, obviously.
I am still recovering from my shock. What a rush! I think everybody deserves a pat on the back. The contest couldn’t have happened without you. What great competition you offered!
~Michelle (MA)
BarbS. says
Ya know, I didn’t vote because I liked them all and didn’t have a favorite. But after a second reading, I’m going to vote for CHRIS. I just like the concept of heliophobes.
Unhinged says
All the finalists were an interesting read, but my vote is for Natalie. That’s the entry that made me want to read on the most.
Zaccolini says
My vote’s for Morgan. I really want to read your book, congratulations!
Yvonne says
Steve Axelrod
Bethany GM says
Natalie and Alexa wrote the best two. I personally wouldn’t read a book with the other types of writing.
Anonymous says
I cast my vote for Alexa.
Nick says
I love ninjas. What can I say, go Natalie!
cwsherwoodedits says
No interest in Ninjas, but loved the voice — Natalie!
Julie Rowe says
Natalie rocks!
Liz says
I vote for Alexa.
And a shout out to the author with the young girl getting accidentally tackled by a football player in the first paragraph. It pleasantly stayed with me after perusing the entries a few days ago. Keep it up, whoever you are.
Mystery Robin says
My vote goes to Steve, for that line about an avalanch and a sigh, but Natalie was a close second. 🙂
Julia Rios says
I vote for Natalie. Her paragraph hooked me, and I’d really like to read the rest of this book!
Deborah Blake says
I liked all of these (although none of them were among my favorites for those I read initially, interestingly enough). But I tried to look at them with “agent eyes” — not just to see a good paragraph but, as that Don guy said, to see what might predict a good story.
The one the made me really want to know what came next:
Steve Axelrod.
Congrats to you all. And to the folks who didn’t win: I was really impressed by a whole lot of you. Rock on!
Hey Natahan–How about a last paragraph contest next?
Elissa M says
Alexa, MA, Natalie. I can pick three because I never go to a bookstore and buy just ONE book.
Several entries I liked didn’t make the cut. If I were an agent or editor, my opinion would matter, but I’m just an ordinary reader and purchaser of books. Still, it shows how subjective this all is.
gingersea says
These are all intriguing in different ways. Good choices, Don! How many martinis did it take to get from over a thousand to just six? I vote for Steve Axelrod because I simply love the analogy at the end of the paragraph. And those “thin sunburned shoulders” make the girl so real. If the rest of the book lives up to this paragraph, it’s a winner!
ChristaCarol says
Thanks for the contest. I vote for Natalie.
Cranky Dragon says
My vote goes to Morgan.
LindaBudz says
Hmm, Leo said:
Steve Ulfedler said: “I vote MA. Just cut “graceful” and it’s perfect.”
I’d leave “graceful.” It’s not purple, matches “butterfly wings,” and makes one wonder why the wounds are twin ones. It also adds a better prose poem rhythm to the phrase: “sweeping to each side in graceful arcs that sparkled beneath the kitchen lights.”
I agree, I like “graceful” … but I would change “sparkled” to “shimmered.”
I already voted for Natalie, but just want to mention that this was my second choice. (But think about the “shimmered,” MA!)
🙂
Anonymous says
Will do, Linda. And Leo, thank you as well for your comments!
I really do like shimmered . . .
*heads off to think about it some more*
-MA
Anonymous says
And thank you, Steve, too! You are all kind to offer your insightful suggestions. I appreciate it!
–MA
LA says
Natalie
But I would like to read all of these stories.
Sharon aka Sapphire says
My vote, and I know you have been waiting for it. goes to Steve.
Marianne says
Morgan
I’ve thought a lot about the comments saying Morgan’s paragraph is an infodump. When I initially read the paragraph, it drew me right in (which is why it’s getting my vote). But then when I turned on my logic, I also realized it was all telling. Still, it worked for me, and I’m trying to figure out why– aside from it being well-written.
Does it work because it tells something shocking? If the telling went on for more than one paragraph, would the reader lose interest? I’m sure a lot of other writers would like to see your opinion on the “infodump” issue, Nathan– especially regarding science-fiction, where there’s a lot of world to build. Thanks!
Diana says
great selections. my vote goes to Natalie!
Catriona says
Natalie – her paragrah is pitch perfect.
Good luck to all.
Caregan says
Tough choice! I liked them all.
Think I’ll go for Steve’s, though – it’s a beautiful beginning and sent a shiver down my spine.
But if I was writing this post in ten minutes time, I’d probably have picked a different one – they’re all really intriguing.
xCaregan