Hello. I’m Donald Draper, partner at Sterling Cooper, America’s leading independent advertising firm, and subject of the hit television show Mad Men. You can call me Don once we’ve had a few martinis.
You may know me for my good looks and penetrating yet soulful facial expressions, as demonstrated by this picture. You may also know me for my ability to mesmerize executives with ruminations on the American Dream during smoke-filled advertising pitch sessions. They usually buy it. And if they don’t buy it we send them to the gentlemen’s club until they’ll buy anything.
Nathan asked me to help him judge this contest. I must say, being from the ad world has taught me a few things over the years. For instance, don’t let a broad get hysterical. And bad news should be taken sitting down, with a stiff drink in your hand. Thanks. I’ll have another.
As an ad man, I was reading these paragraphs for clues. Clues on whether someone has a novel that I can sell. Because selling is the thing. People want to be eased into a novel. They don’t want to be throttled by first paragraphs. They want the scene to be set and the characters revealed. They want subtlety, and proper word choice, grammar, sentence structure, and seamless readability. Clues that the rest of the package is a sure thing.
Let’s talk about voice. I’m a man of few words. Too much chattiness wears me down, especially at the dinner table, where talking is strictly forbidden. If you look closely at your favorite novels, they are not that chatty. Just a hint goes a long way. Like paprika.
I have chosen six finalists, which are coincidentally but conveniently spread among several different genres. Please vote on your favorite in the comments section of this post. You will have until Monday at 4pm Pacific to vote, and anonymous votes will not be counted.
And look. I like to give everyone a fair shake. No e-mails to 10,000 of your closest friends asking them to vote for you, and no open campaigning on the internet.
Here are your finalists:
Natalie:
According to my father, the first rule of ninjutsu is KISS: keep it simple, stupid. Of course, he’s says it all ninja-like, but that’s the gist. If you can walk down the street in normal clothes, there’s no need for black garb and grappling hooks. If you can kill a dude in two moves, don’t waste your time with three. And that’s why we run a karate school for all those little kids who get beat up at school—two ninjas hiding in the most obvious place, and the last spot anyone looks.
Morgan:
The world is different now. What once was a time of wealth and security now is an unforgiveable Thunderdome world without heroes. I was born into this world like no other, a singular blue and brown eyed abnormality without equal—a Tetragametic Chimera with Heterochromia eyes. My mother had carried two fertilized eggs that should have become fraternal twins, one twin with blue eyes and the other with brown but our separate cells fused together inside her womb. Instead of the eggs connecting as one immediately, creating the more common Tetragametic Chimera anomaly, they formed independent of each other for the first seven days of gestation and then bonded into that rarest of rare miracle. It took God seven days to create the world and it took seven days to create what I am—two independent savant minds born inside one body, a single being with two completely different sets of DNA, one eye brown and the other eye blue—a twin inside a twin.
Steve Axelrod:
On a bright humid morning in June, a sixteen year old girl named Deborah Garrison stepped off the boat from Hyannis, walked ahead of her mother down into the crowded summer streets and set everything in motion. She didn’t seem special; just one more pretty girl on a summer island crowded with them. And she didn’t actually do anything; nothing that happened later was her fault. The simple, irreducible fact of her presence was enough. Even years later, the consequences and implications of Debbie’s arrival seem bizarre and implausible, far too much to balance on those thin sunburned shoulders. It was like setting off an avalanche with a sigh.
MA:
The blood pooling under the dead man’s back reminded Nicholas Avery of butterfly wings. It spread from the twin wounds, sweeping to each side in graceful arcs that sparkled beneath the kitchen lights.
Alexa:
If the funeral were taking place in one of my Mom’s novels then it would be winter and it would be raining. The sky would be overcast and there would be the distant rumble of thunder as the casket was lowered into the ground. The weather can’t always match the occasion though. Today the sky was a blinding blue and in the manicured graveyard there was no escape from the sun. I could feel my black dress growing damp and my feet, enclosed in unaccustomed heels, expanding by the second. I glanced at my Mom, standing ramrod straight beside me, dressed in defiant yellow and movie star sunglasses. Despite makeup her face was pale. Her bloodless lips were clamped together in the expression she had worn for the last two days, ever since she had walked into our newly rented apartment and announced, “Pack everything up, we’re going home, your Grandfather died.”
Chris:
My heliophobia support group met in an old schoolhouse whose main doors had been welded shut and painted blue. You entered around back, up the Z-shaped wheelchair ramp. I’d been attending for years and knew every hall and every stairwell in that place, even saw the belfry once, having shimmied up a ladder hidden in the supply closet. Nothing up there but dust and bird shit and some failed eggs, not even a bell. Just wooden slats through which the sun broke like streaky clown tears. Which didn’t scare me. It’s not that any of us feared the sun, it wasn’t that simple. We simply loathed its intentions. We had already betrayed its destiny and, like everything else in our lives, it was born just to expire.
Congratulations to the finalists. Please e-mail Nathan to discuss your prize.
Have a good weekend. I’m going for a drive in my Studebaker. It should be lovely.
danceluvr says
Congrats to the finalists.
None failed to intrigue me. Among these candidates, I choose Natalie’s ninjas.
For what’s it worth:
Both Morgan’s “Tetragametic Chimera with Heterochromia eyes” and Chris’ “heliophobia support group” stopped me cold with those scientific terms. If I have to run to a dictionary just to understand what the writer means, I’m not going any further.
Reading fiction shouldn’t be hard work, but easy and fun. Surely there’s a way to describe what you mean with simpler words?
Also, to me Chris’ beginning was mostly backstory.
Alexa’s funeral scene has too many “to be” verbs in it for my taste.
Steve Axelrod’s “sixteen year old girl named Deborah Garrison” did interest me somewhat. Sort of felt like how “Lolita” began. And it’s also an author intrusion right up front.
MA’s unique description took just two sentences, like my first paragraph. (Though mine isn’t as inventive…which is why it’s not a finalist. ;-/)
To Adam Heine and his link, Ninjas always hide in plain sight, where are they?
Carolyn says
Steve Axelrod.
Lisa Dez says
Wow–cool! Okay, so what would you think of a story about a bleeding 16 yr. old Tetragametic ninja heliophobe wearing yellow sunglasses? Natalie please!
ColoradoKate says
Steve Axelrod–lovely writing, killer last sentence, and not gimmicky…
Adelle says
Congrats to all the finalists.
Alexa gets my vote.
liquidambar says
Natalie.
El Anonymous says
I like Morgan’s, which surprises me because normally Nathan’s taste in writing is about as different as possible from mine. I do think that the word choice and voice of one of the paragraphs was completely wrong for the story it began. But that’s my only major objection and I could easily be wrong. (Also, I wish we had gotten a paragraph from Cosgrove in addition to the intro by Draper. I think it would have been beautiful.)
Well? says
Do these IDs count as anonymous? Because technically one could just click name/url and vote as many times as they wanted under different aliases…
Just curious, is all. I’m sure everyone here is being completely honest. Right?
Donny Bailey Seagraves says
I vote for Morgan. Very intriguing. Enjoyed the others, too.
Donny Bailey Seagraves, author of the novel, GONE FROM THESE WOODS, coming August 2009 from Random House, Delacorte Press.
Caitlin says
Natalie
Debra Lee says
Congratulations to all the finalist!
My vote goes to MA.
Bree Biesinger Despain says
My vote is for MA. Great imagery and an exciting hook.
Shawn says
I have to go with MA. It manages to be concise without sacrificing the emotional impact of the scene, coupled with strong imagery.
Beth says
Natalie gets my vote. Enjoyed reading the variety of submissions!
ElanaJ says
Awesome entries from all the finalists. My vote: MA.
Holly says
I vote for MA. The imagery is compelling, yet suscinct.
Congrats to all the finalists.
Nathan Bransford says
Ya know, if you don’t want to vote for one, don’t leave a comment. I’m getting tired of hitting the delete button. How would you like it if you were a finalist and people brought so much negativity?
These paragraphs are awesome. I want to marry them. A little late, but still.
Stephen Parrish says
Chris.
Eleni Konstantine says
Wow – really great work finalists – congratulations. Being a person who reads different styles I enjoyed them all for different reasons.
But as for voting, it goes to NATALIE – just love the voice of that first paragraph.
On a side note, I really can’t believe how negative some people are. Fine you don’t agree, don’t vote, simple as that. None your cup of tea, so what? Bitch about it elsewhere. We’re here to support these finalists. How about if it had been you? (sorry – end rant).
Tricia says
I choose Steve Axelrod
Matthew Canova says
Morgan
Matthew Canova says
Plot, first and foremost, right? I’m very intrigued by this opening paragraph… I want to know more. (just a clarification on my vote)
K@ says
I choose Steve Axelrod.
Pretty impressed by the skew towards first person narrative. 🙂
Jinx says
I just have to vote for Morgan, because it’s the only one to give me goosebumps and really stand out while reading it!
Congrats to all of you!
Jonathan says
I’m going for Natalie. That’s a voice I could spend some time with. It also feels like an opening to a story, rather than to a concept.
Tom B says
I vote Alexa
EddieJoe says
“beneath the kitchen lights” did it for me. MA gets my vote.
Being Beth says
Congratulations to all the finalists! Whittling down to the finalists would have been difficult and I’m glad I’m not Nathan.
this whole contest was great fun. Thanks for hosting it.
I’ll go with Alexia.
Annette Gallant says
Congratulations to all the finalists.
My vote goes to Steve Axelrod. His paragraph totally sucked me in and made me want to read more.
Meg says
My vote goes to Chris.
You don’t need to run for your dictionary to look up heliophobe. Just trust the writer and keep reading. Enlightenment is but a few tightly written lines away.
faerie-writer says
OMG, I totally *cannot* decide on a favourite they are all so good! I would want to read all six books!!!
Becca says
Steve Axelrod. The language just grabbed me; simple, unpretentious, but with a promise of more. Plus, it was the only one where I felt curious as to what was about to transpire.
rebecca says
MORGAN. Very interesting concept – one body living inside another. Sci-fi, can become something along the lines of Keanu Reeves’ Matrix.
terri says
I have to comment, just to use my ‘verification word’
minkfu
Is this how celebutantes fight?
PS: Already voted for Morgan. Thanks to Nathan for taking on this colossal headache!
jeanoram says
Natalie.
Good luck to everyone.
Karen says
I vote for Morgan’s–the most original one by far.
Glenn Cashuric says
Speaking for myself, I would appreciate the negativity if it were constructive criticism. Publishing is a tough business. One never knows when someone may offer a critique that inspires an unexpected improvement or inspiration.
That said, for my official vote I’ll go with Steve for the gold and then MA as the silver. The rest weren’t as compelling for me.
Glenn Cashuric says
Sorry. Meant “brings about” an unexpected improvement or inspiration. Got distracted by the Blu-Ray.
Claire says
I vote for Natalie.
Nikki says
Steve Axelrod. I definitely want to know what happens in this book. I like the writing style, too.
Creative A says
At first glance, these were not the entries I expected to be finalists, but after reading them all through, I *was* hit by all the subtle buildup. Great entries, guys!
I have to vote for Morgan…a twin inside of a twin is too cool. I love anomalies. W00t!
Sarah Jensen says
I liked them all, so um, I think Alexa. Great opening to all our finalist. Good luck!
Mary says
Congrats to the finalists, I vote for Alexa! Such fabulous imagery and characters.
Kristan says
Unrelated to this post, but a good op-ed piece:
https://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/14/books/review/Greenberg-t.html?8bu&emc=bub1
And hey, the man's writing a book about fish! He must know stuff.
Ariel says
My vote goes to NATALIE!!
Jeanne says
Congrats to all the finalists – that makes you a winner.
My vote goes to Steve Axelrod (I’m a sucker for literary fiction, even though I can’t write it.)
Shelley says
Steve Axelrod. I often choose books by reading the first paragraph. I’d buy this in a heartbeat.
Janelle says
I vote for Steve’s paragraph.
The character is already intriguing, and the promise that her presence will shake things up in Hyannis makes me want to read more.
Anonymous says
For the people leaving stupid comments like, “I don’t like any of these.”
… Um, it isn’t a contest of what you like, it’s a contest of what Nathan, as an experienced literary agent, with his finger on the pulse of the entire industry, finds compelling.
Never mind if they don’t happen to be in a genre YOU would read; you are supposed to use this as a chance to step back, and take a look at what other people are writing, see if your own writing might benefit from a tighter first paragraph like MA’s, or a more luxurious feel, like Steve Axelrod’s. It’s supposed to be FUN!
Anonymous says
Is Steve Axelrod (finalist) the same Steve Axelrod who is a literary agent with his own literary agency?