If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Jason Okan, whose query is below.
“Don’t go in, my dear. Don’t go in.”
Layla Akins heard these words repeated to her over and over in the same dream every night. The words were always spoken by her mother whose death had left her shattered less than a year ago.
Unhappy with her father and his new girlfriend, she accepts the nomination along with some other students to represent her school at the historic Model United Nations Conference taking place for the first time in Lagos, Nigeria.
Peace is all she was searching for and she believed that time away from home was what she needed. But the peace she desperately sought was non-existent as strange things begin happening at the hotel.
Other students that came to the conference start to go missing from the hotel. A malevolent entity walks the grounds bringing darkness in its wake. And a mysterious boy, a boy who may be more than any boy she’s ever met, could pull her into a world of wonder and intrigue if she lets him.
As tensions begin to run high among the conference attendees, Layla will have to decide if, despite her grief and weakened mental state, she is strong enough to resist the call of the entity or be taken into the darkness forever.
Complete at 71,000 words, THE VALLEY AT DUSK is a Young-Adult speculative fiction novel with elements of horror and fantasy. The character-driven plots with multiple POVs will appeal to fans of Stephen King’s IT, Leigh Bardugo’s Six of Crows trilogy, and the Netflix TV show; Stranger Things.
I am currently a lawyer living in Lagos, Nigeria with over a thousand followers combined from both my Instagram and Twitter handles @thejasonokan.
This sounds like a fun premise, and I like the idea of evil spirits running amok at a Model UN conference in Lagos. But I’m afraid the details in this query are so vague I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around what danger Layla is actually facing and what her personality is like.
It’s really helpful to weave stakes into the query letter in a clear way. What happens if the character succeeds? What if they fail?
If Layla is “taken into the darkness,” what does that actually mean in practice? What, specifically, does she have to do to avoid it? Clearer details will help the story come to life.
Don’t worry about spoilers and instead just clarify what’s actually happening. As you do so, try to weave in more voice to make Layla’s personality come to life.
Here’s my redline.
“Don’t go in, my dear. Don’t go in.” Layla Akins heard
theseher late mother’s words repeatedto herover and over in the same dream every night [Maybe a few more details about the dream to make it more vivid?].The words were always spoken by hHer mother whose death less than a year ago had left her shattered [I have strong feelings about the word shattered in queries… Be more specific. How did the loss manifest itself? Missed opportunity to weave in more voice]less than a year ago.Unhappy with her father and his new girlfriend [Be more specific. What is she unhappy about?], she accepts
thea nominationalong with some other studentsto represent her school at the historic Model United Nations Conference taking place for the first time in Lagos, Nigeria.Peace is all she
wasis [keep the tense consistent] searching for [Peace from what? What does this mean to her specifically?] and shebelievedbelieves that time away from home is what sheneededneeds. Butthe peace she desperately sought was non-existent asstrange things begin happening at the hotel.
Other sStudentsthat came to the conferencestart to go missingfrom the hotel. A malevolent entity walks the grounds bringing darkness in its wake [Be more specific. What is this?]. And a mysterious boy, a boywho may be more than any boy she’s ever met [More how? Be more specific], could pull her into a world of wonder and intrigue if she lets him. [This feels vague. Don’t worry about spoilers, what world are we talking about?]As tensions begin to run high among the conference attendees [Be more specific. What are the tensions about?], Layla will have to decide if, despite her grief and weakened mental state, she is strong enough to resist the call of the entity [What’s this?] or be taken into the darkness forever [What does this mean in practice?].
Complete at 71,000 words, THE VALLEY AT DUSK is a Young-Adult speculative fiction novel with elements of horror and fantasy.
The character-driven plots with multiple POVs[Don’t need to mention how it’s told in a query]. It will appeal to fans of Stephen King’s IT, Leigh Bardugo’s Six of Crows trilogy, and the Netflix TV show;Stranger Things.I am currently a lawyer living in Lagos, Nigeria with over a thousand followers combined from both my Instagram and Twitter handles @thejasonokan. [I’m not sure I’d mention social media unless you have a very significant following.]
Thanks again to Jason Okan!
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