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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to DanaRoseBailey, whose page is below:
Working title: The Caravan
Corey didn’t want to leave, but, since his mother had already agreed, he was sure the General would leave him behind if he didn’t get in the ugly rusted out Hummer, so he did what he was told.
From the back seat, he watched as they passed the empty playground, the swings moving back and forth in the wind of the first morning light. For a moment he thought about Gill and Christy. They used to swing so high he thought any moment they’d swing in a full circle and end up wrapped around the pole. They had spoken up, but no one had listened. He hadn’t seen them in six years.
“We’ll be safe soon,” his mother said in her mousy voice. Everything about her was mousy from her size and coloring to her skittishness.
The General gave a dismissive laugh with his reply, “We’re already safe.” He went on about how great things would be once they arrived at the Grove, repeating the same tales he’d told them at the office and over dinner in Corey and his mother’s one room apartment. As he spoke in his loud commanding tone, his presence and voice filled the car, almost drowning out the sound of the gates closing.
“So see, there’s no need to worry,” The General said. But to Corey, the sound of the locks being put in place once the gate closed and the sight of the old city crumbling to ruins outside the wall told more truth than the General ever could.
You know who your characters are. We do not.
The writing in this page is relatively smooth and I liked some of the vivid details (“ugly rusted out Hummer,” “in the wind of the first morning light”), but truth be told I found myself confused by this page coming and going because it lacks nearly all contextualizing detail, to the degree that it almost feels like the author is steadfastly refusing to provide the information we need to understanding what’s happening. It’s not mysterious, it’s just vague.
But perhaps most glaring is that every new character that’s introduced lacks context. Who are Gill and Christy? Who is the General?
Even telling us someone is a general isn’t enough. I know conceptually that a general is a military officer, but who is “the General” in the context of this particular novel? General of what? Or maybe general is just a nickname? How are we to know without more context?
Where are they going? What are they talking about? What does Corey want and what’s at stake? What is the Grove? What is the danger they’re referencing.
The mysteries pile up and pile up and at some point, without enough information able to understand what Corey is trying to do and why it matters, the reader is just going to give up trying to sift for clues.
Err on the side of clarity, choose your mysteries more judiciously, and smoothly weave in context to help the reader get their bearings. Remember that the narrative voice is storytelling, not transcribing a fictional character’s thoughts within their own world.
Here’s my redline:
Working title: The Caravan
Corey didn’t want to leave [leave where?], but, since his mother had already agreed, he was sure the General [what General?] would leave him behind if he didn’t get in the ugly rusted out Hummer, so he did what he was told.
From the back seat, he watched as they passed the empty playground [where are they going?], the swings moving back and forth in the wind of the first morning light. For a moment he thought about Gill and Christy [who are they?]. They used to swing so high he thought any moment they’d swing in a full circle and end up wrapped around the pole. They had spoken up [they had spoken up about what?], but no one had listened. He hadn’t seen them in six years.
“We’ll be safe soon,” [safe from what?] his mother said
in her mousy voice. Everything about her was mousy, from her size and coloring to her skittishness.The General gave a dismissive laugh
with his reply,. “We’re already safe.” He went on about how great things would be once they arrived at the Grove [what is the Grove?], repeating the same tales he’d told them at the office and over dinner in Corey and his mother’s one room apartment. As he spoke in his loud commanding tone, his presence and voice filled the car, almost drowning out the sound of the gates closing.“So see, there’s no need to worry,” The General said. [Worry about what?]
¶But to Corey, the
sound of thelocks being put in placeonce the gate closedand the sight of the old city crumbling to ruins outside the wall told more truth than the General ever could. [Truth about what?]
Thanks again to DanaRoseBailey!
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Art: The Oath of the Horatii by Jacques-Louis David
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As you’ve said in the past, Nathan, early on readers need to know why they should care about the MC. What is it about Corey that makes us want to root for him, see him succeed.? As it is, we’re passively watching things happen but don’t know why it matters to him, and by extension, to us. You might eventually tell us, but by then will we have lost interest… if we’ve gotten that far? Your story has elements of being a good one. Draw us in, let us be a part of it from the start.
Thank you so much for reading and critiquing. This was very helpful.
as a writer, i find the first page difficult to draft. they are so many rules about hooking the reader, starting with action, moving things forward that it can be overwhelming to cram it all in there–and be compelling and readable and succinct. phew. a book coach recently told me, ‘one page can’t do everything,’ and i realized that’s what i was doing–>everything all the time on each page.
maybe part of nathan’s notes are giving you permission to do is slow down long enough to emotionally invest the readers in your character. interiority is a skill i’ve been working on–going inside the character so that the reader feels what they feel and what’s at risk, and bonds with the character. that, along with everything else. 🙂
if i were you, dana, i’d research interiority (a hot topic these days) and work corey’s thoughts, physical responses, and personal stakes into this page. not everything all at once like throwing seeds on the ground. more like digging a hole to plant a tree. go deep. good work, and good luck