There’s a joke at every college that you can study, sleep, and have a social life, but only two out of three. And when you’re out in the real world and trying to build a career at whatever you’re doing, that may as well be two out of three of work, sleep, and a social life. And yet we writers with day jobs are trying to cram a hugely time-consuming fourth task in there: writing. There’s never enough time.
These past few years I was on a treadmill that I know many writers can relate to. If it wasn’t working, writing, blogging, or watching the occasional TV show or basketball game at the end of the night, chances are I wasn’t doing it. I lived for the vacations I took every six months or so – those were my breaks.
The time I took for doing purely fun things slipped away, and the day when I was going to slow down kept receding in the distance. It was a bit of an unsustainable course. Now, I didn’t go Britney Spears and shave my head or anything like that, but something had to give, which is partly why I craved a fresh start and a new challenge in a new career. I knew I had to find a different balance.
This all came to a head the past few months. I was starting a new job as I was trying to finish up WONDERBAR #2 (which I’m now editing), starting WONDERBAR #3, spending time with family around the holidays, dealing with a sick dog who wasn’t sleeping through the night (he’s fine now), and other assorted massively time consuming travails.
The thing about this is that I know full well these are the problems of someone who is very blessed and fortunate, and I’m not asking for, nor do I deserve, sympathy. I know I’m lucky! Oh – gee, my hobby that I love is too time-consuming. Woe is me. There are people out there who are working far harder and who are struggling and for whom the idea of finding “balance” in their life is an abstraction.
But I also know that’s the guilt of the ambitious writer talking, and it’s a great justification for running yourself into the ground. Someone out there is always working harder and more successfully and look like they have it made in the shade. I have to remind myself to ignore that. If you have the luxury of time: It really behooves you to take some of it for yourself.
So these past few months I’ve been searching for a new paradigm. No longer am I working late into the night; I’m trying to spend my weeknights hanging out with friends. No longer am I spending every single Saturday and Sunday writing; I’m trying to spend at least one of those days doing something fun. My new job is going great and I’m trying to get out of the apartment more and reengage with the world. One day I went to the Steinhart Aquarium and just stared at the fish, which made me feel slightly crazy, but hey, what can I say world, I’m back!!
Have you ever gone through a similar rebalancing of your life? How did you find the right mix, and are you happier as a result?
erikarobuck says
I'm still searching for that balance. I really love immersion in writing, but I have to remind myself to come up for air and spend more time with the ACTUAL PEOPLE in my life than my characters.
Kudos to you for recognizing and pursuing your need for balance.
M.A.Leslie says
The hardest part of stepping away from writing is that it is extremely accessible. All you have to do is pull out the lap top and start slamming away. Not to mention, you can't turn off a creative mind once you've turned it on. There isn't a cork to stop it.
It is never off, but I have found a way to step away from it. I just focus on what I am doing and I am present to other tasks. If you can’t write and have a life it isn’t worth doing.
SierraMcConnell says
I just twitted this morning about how obsessed I was getting about book two in the Chasing series. I have the tendancy to not want to eat, sleep, /bathe/ because I'm too busy planning or jotting this or that down. I want to wander around in my pajamas and focus on that and nothing else.
My friend there has the same problem. It's hard to find balance when writing feels so good. Other things feel good, too, but gah…life is so hard when you'd rather be in that world, not this one.
Nicole says
Ha – great timing on this post! I've been struggling to find that balance and realized this weekend that something's gotta give. I'm guessing it's going to be sleep…
That being said, I've learned that when life makes me walk away from my writing, it's usually for a good reason. It's a chance to take a breath and get some new perspective.
Raj says
I am still looking for the balance. Strange coincidence that I just finished reading 4-hour workweek by Tim Ferris. It discusses these issues in some detail and also offers several solutions. You may not implement all of them, but they sure get you thinking in a different direction.
Munk says
Discovering my love for writing help lead me to a more stable balance.
Laurel says
Having kids sort of imposes balance. They HAVE to eat, get to school, go to scouts, soccer practice, get tucked into bed, etc. And since other parents participate in a lot of these activities, I'm forced to deal with real human beings instead of the ones manufactured by my brain.
Which is infinitely frustrating sometimes but essentially a good thing.
Tommy Salami says
I just got off a jag like that. then I realized the best work happens when I set aside an hour or so every day, sit down and write. I always scrabble down ideas as they come, but the writing and revising can't be forced.
C.G. Powell says
Glad you have found your balance. Some days I find mine and some days I ignore the world to become a part of my own written words. But I would never turn down a visit from a friend or a drink with the neighbors to do so.
Shari says
I think I'm re-evaluating my life's balance every day trying to keep up with everything. I'm glad you have found some in your own life.
Vivacia says
Some days I have the balance right, others I really don't. But I've learned to not beat myself up if I don't do as much writing one night because I instead go out with a friend or watch a movie. The hardest thing though is trying to get others to understand that at times I just need to be left alone to write…
Dave says
Hmmm…working on a mid-life career change, juggling various writing projects in various stages of completion, and expecting my first child with my wife…yeah, I'm working on that balance thing! I think the important part of all the chaos for the writer, though, is to remember that every one of these experiences is inspiration that we can draw from to write about at some point in the future.
Jenna says
I picture my life as a horse and these types of "a-ha!" moments as the "Whoa, Nelly."
I notice the imbalance when my ability to truly listen to others starts to suffer. If I can't be mindful of someone else while I'm spending quality time with them (because my mind is in a thousand places at once, trying to do!do!do! in my head), I need to re-evaluate what I'm letting myself become.
Jess says
While some recent interest in my writing from agents and other people who can help my career has been wonderful and amazing (to say the least), I happen to have a lot of other things on my plate that make balance difficult.
I am a full-time middle school teacher. I have two young boys, a husband, a small farm that includes livestock, and I teach some private classes on the side. So until I can find a way to say no to some of those other things (or dump them altogether along with the income they provide), my writing happens at night, in between classes, in the waiting room at the orthodontist, and in any other fits and starts I can find during the day.
It's occurred to me this morning that I could dictate while running and driving, but I fear this is an indicator that I have most certainly lost balance.
danielle spears says
That's great that you are trying to find balance with work and life. I find I have the same problem and sleep is the one thing that suffers. The time I spend writing is either after my one year old goes to bed or before he wakes up in the morning. Last night I got only five hours of sleep. I don't have near the pressure you do with your following, but I do find I put a lot of pressure on myself. I am blessed with a supportive husband who is okay with the fact that the house isn't clean or dinner isn't homecooked. So I try to make time for family by using Sunday as a day for them.
My brother is in the coast guard and overseas and when I remember that it puts things in perspective. I can only imagine his agenda or why he doesn't get enough sleep each night.
Mr. D says
You think you're busy now? Just wait til you have kids.
(And I hope you do have kids, btw, I think you'd make a great dad!)
Deni Krueger says
Ummm…I think I'm pretty far away from that. I spent the day in my pajamas. Figured if I waited to change and shower until after studying and running, it would give me 30 free minutes to write tonight.
Sandra says
I agree with what Laurel (7:17 am) said – having kids imposes some sort of balance because there are certain aspects of having kids that forces the routine of meals, bedtimes, sports, homework and the occasional all out game of pretending-to-be-a-monster-and-chase-the-kids-all-over-the-house.
My need for even more balance came last month. Book number one was making the rounds (querying properly is very labour intensive), book's two and three were vying for attention, my blog was cranking up on readership, my day job was more intense (and rewarding), the kids sports schedules were becoming more demanding and then WHAMMO – I got the flu.
Nothing like being sick for a week to put everything in perspective. It was my body's way of saying to my brain, "Hello, up there, we need a break!"
The Lemonade Stand says
I agree with Laurel. Even though my kids aren't in school yet they require constant attention so writing during the day isn't even possible. You can't have perfect balance with kids. That's why I started the nasty habit of writing until 2:00 in the morning. Of course the balance is disturbed here because sleeping a full eight hours after that with early bird kids? Yeah. Doesn't happen.
Amber J. Gardner says
I don't have balance. I'm really struggling in this area, but I'm different than most people.
While people work too much, I work too little. While other people find it hard to do nothing, it's hard for me to consider working nonstop all day or work into the night.
And it makes me feel like I should be doing more, cause I spend so much time reading blogs, meditating and just simply doing nothing (hell today I just walked around the library and looked at books I wanted to read).
Doing too little is just as much as doing too much and I'm afraid of doing too much than I am doing too little apparently.
So the search for balance continues…
Chuck H. says
There must be something in the air. Domey Malasarn over at the Literary Lab just blogged about spending time in the desert listening to the wind and watching the lizards.
A few years ago I was trying to work full time, go to school full time and have time for family. After two years, I dropped school and spent a year just working and sleeping. Then I went back part time. Took me twice as long to finish but I got there more or less sane. Some times you just have to stop and smell the Peonies. It also helps to have a motorcycle and some good winding roads.
Tanisha says
I'm still searching for the balance. It seems just as I think I have it all figured out something else pops up. I try to step away and enjoy what life has to offer, from sitting at the park to going out of town, at least once a week. I call it my reboot.
Deb says
I once saw a bumper sticker that read, "I never worked full time until I became a mom". Truer words were never spoken. Balance is no longer my goal. Finding space for myself in the midst of three other people's needs is my hobby, and spending that space in quality ways (rather than screwing around on the internet or watching TV) is my goal.
Loree Huebner says
Great post.
It’s so hard to find balance these days. You have your real job, family, friends, other stuff (pets, car repairs, worries at work, bills…etc.) and throw writing into the mix along with finding time to work out…it’s just sheer overload sometimes.
Recently at work, an old man came up to me and right out of the blue said, “Don’t forget to have fun, missy.” I looked at him square in the eye and then it hit me…”Yeah, you’re right, sir, I’ll take that advice.” He must have seen something in my expression showing that I was having a tough day. I didn’t know his name and have never seen him again since, but I’m taking his advice. I’ve been trying to seek out the fun things I used to do, and scheduling me time once a week.
Kathryn Tuccelli says
I am definitely still trying to find a balance between work and writing. My job drains me so much mentally that by the time I get home, I am usually fried. If I do work on the computer at home, work is usually not far from my mind.
However, I recently re-discovered the joy of writing in long-hand. (I know, it's not "joy" to most!) Though long-hand is more time-consuming, it motivates me to write more as I don't have to continue staring at a screen after I arrive home, and it forces my brain to switch gears.
It IS good to make time for friends, for vacations, for pure enjoyment. I try to sit by our saltwater tank for a few minutes every day and get lost in the beauty. No, you're not crazy for staring at the fishes, Nathan 😉
Bryan Russell (Ink) says
I think balance, for most people, is a fairly amorphous thing. It's not something that you have, or don't have, but something that you are always working toward, something that is always evolving, always shaping itself around new experiences and new parameters in your life.
It's a matter of degree. Life is always changing, and so the goal of balance, and the processes for finding it, are in constant flux as well. A new concern, a new need, a new friendship, a new hobby, a new responsibility – these things will all transform your idea of balance. They'll transform, whether to a small degree or a large, what you need, what you want, and, simply, what you can actually accomplish.
And this last point, it seems to me, is important. That evolution toward balance is an evolution toward meeting goals that are within reach, that we can actually accomplish. A plan is great, but if it depends on things out of your hands it's going to be hard to find balance. You'll always be needing to do one more thing, and other activities will be pulled along in your wake like a rusty old tailpipe; you might hear the rattle sometimes, but you've forgotten how to get to the mechanic's garage.
Paula says
By the comments it seems most of us struggle with the same thing and who knows the answer. I have had times when I've pushed myself to go out with a friend and think, wow, that was fun. I have so little "alone" time that everything chunk I get – I write. But that was an eye opener for me. Made me realize that I had forgot what it was like to have fun and be "outside" myself rather than in my head or in my character's heads.
Sommer Leigh says
"One day I went to the Steinhart Aquarium and just stared at the fish, which made me feel slightly crazy"
Hah! I know exactly what form of crazy this is and what it feels like!
Taryn Tyler says
I've recently experienced something very similar. I'm trying to let go of the straight, studying, work, writing schedual, and watching geeky TV when I am too worn out to think anymore scuedual, and encorporate a little more social and exploration time. Sleep, however, has been greatly sacrificed. I may need to do some more rethinking.
Anonymous says
If you really love what you do, and I mean really love it, finding balances isn't always as important as when you're doing something you don't love.
In other words, I'd rather be writing or promoting my books than hanging out with friends. I never wanted kids, and I don't have them. I know who I am. It's just the way I'm programmed. I look at people sitting next to pools doing nothing sometimes and wonder how they do it. I'd lose my mind.
Lauren says
This year I'm deep in the middle of a paradigm shift. I was obsessed with teaching high school then used my off-times to do freelance PR for my brother's company. I lost a decade. And I had taken very little time to pursue my ultimate dream of writing. Finally, after a lot of prodding from friends and family I went part-time at work for a year, got a roommate, and cut back a lot on my brother's company. This year I'm dedicating to living and writing. It's been wonderful to pull back and reassess my priorities in life, and to make real time for my writing. I've found that my downtime is often what inspires my best writing. A walk on the beach, a yoga class, or dinner with friends all add humanizing richness to my writing. Anyway, thanks for sharing Nathan. Sounds like we both just shook things up a bit for the better 🙂
D.G. Hudson says
'Everyone is looking for Something' (a popular song refrain).
I've had this happen at least twice in my life, where I realized I was nearing burnout. Family obligations & over-work were my villains (over-achiever wannabe). Usually I would sacrifice sleep, getting down to 4 or 5 hrs a night. Not that healthy.
My helpers in finding balance: exercise, cat naps or fresh air, & organizing priorities – what has to be done today and what can be put off? (a well-known stress exercise)
Sometimes we're trying to live up to the ideals of others, not our own. Learning to say NO to things I didn't really want to do helped – which meant sacrificing some social time as well.
We each have to sort out what's important to us, and make time for reviving our 'soul'. Don't scrimp on time for yourself – as writers we need it. Doing something we enjoy makes us feel we have some control.
V.K. Tremain says
Yes, it's very hard to find that balance. I love writing and sometimes find my self dreading going out because it takes precious time away from writing. However, I also know how important it is to get out, it feeds my creativity, and is just as important as staying in and writing.
The Academy of Sciences and Steinhart Aquarium is amazing. I made it to the DeYoung for the Impressionist exhibition…it's good to get out once in a while 🙂
Whirlochre says
If you've no time in the day for idle thoughts, all the important things you think you think will be worthless.
John Jack says
[Cue manic laughter.]
Balance comes and goes as the wheel turns and burns. Seeking balance is a lifelong pursuit. It comes in fleeting moments all on its own though. The first occuring sometime in late young adulthood. The second sometime in late early adulthood. A third after a mid life crisis. A fourth in the late twilight of late adulthood. A late fifth in the sunset of life, when confronting mortality face-to-face.
No less, a disequalibrium occurs anytime a significant change in circumstances occurs.
Boxes of existence wanting balance: basics–subsistence, security, society; luxuries–physical, emotional, recreational, spiritual, and intellectual activities.
How do I find balance? By thriving in the between times of chaos cognizant balance is fleeting.
Carol J. Garvin says
My "ah-ha" moment didn't happen until after a minor nervous breakdown. I had the unreasonable expectation that I was suppose to do everything just because I could. The "musts" and "shoulds" crammed themselves into my life and left little room for the "wants" and "likes". Finding balance required making deliberate choices.
I discovered for me to survive required three things:
(1.) agreeing that "no" is an acceptable answer. I had to acknowledge that I didn't have to be all things to all people in my life, that the world wouldn't stop turning if I left certain jobs to others or left some tasks undone.
(2.) learning to live in the moment. When my schedule was jam packed I missed engaging fully in the present because I kept thinking about what else I had to do. When I began focusing on one thing at a time it eliminated a lot of stress.
(3.) scheduling in time for spontaneity. No, that's not a contradiction in terms. I needed to have breathing space in my days… time to do whatever I felt like doing whether it was daydreaming, walking or spending an extra hour writing.
Yes, I'm happier, and I'm glad you've found contentment as a result of the choices and changes you've made, too.
(This turned out to be longer than I intended. Sorry!)
Ella Schwartz says
Excellent post! I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one struggling with this balance!
I have been trying to finish my novel for 4 years! All along the way, friends and family would ask me "how's that book going?" And the answer was always the same "still writing." I knew that most of them must have been thinking to themselves that the book would never ever be finished. I felt like screaming out to them: "Don't you understand that I have a job, 3 kids, and a husband to take care of!"
The truth is, I put enormous pressure on myself to write in my spare time. But with a day job and a family, spare time is tough to find.
And remember, we all have to sleep too 🙂
Proud to report that I finally finished the novel 🙂
Stephsco says
I'm cutting out video games for awhile as I finish revising my novel. I feel stupid for even saying this, because a lot of people kind of scoff at the idea of a 30-something working professional who plays video games, add to that being a woman, and I get weird looks at my non-preggo belly, since apparently I should be having children rather than mowing down irradiated wasters in Fallout: New Vegas.
I want to play Dragon Age: 2 pretty bad but I also want to have a draft I am proud enough to send out to a few trusted test readers. It's all about sacrifice! Plus, I love to write and to read, so cutting out some TV and video games has helped me focus on other things I like.
Craziness abounds says
Hey I find myself in similar postions all the time. I think you are on to something with just taking a step back. Good for you. I'll be following to see how it works out for you..
A. C. Crispin says
Your blog post really spoke to me, Nathan, because I'm struggling to do all of the following:
1. Promote new book that will be out May 17, 2011. Working with publicist to arrange appearances, etc., plus do internet promos…something I've never tried before.
2. Start new project. I'm not ME unless I have a book in progress. But there aren't enough hours in the day to do it ALL!
3. Keep up with Writer Beware. Next Monday I'll spend half the day schlepping myself to Northern MD to talk to a bunch of aspiring authors, many of them probably getting pretty desperate, and it's my task to try and convince them to eschew PublishAmerica and Strategic Books and the other scammers.
5. Maintain a home, yard, get tax stuff together, and help my mom manage her finances.
I feel like I've been on a three month marathon with the Red Queen.
After reading your post, I made the decision to take time off and go see the cherry blossoms this year. It's not much, but it's a start.
Thanks, Nathan! Good blog post!
-Ann C. Crispin
Chair, Writer Beware
http://www.writerbeware.com
A.C. Crispin
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Price of Freedom
Disney Editions
May 17, 2011
Rebecca Stroud says
Right now, my writing is on hiatus because I, too, tried to cram it in all in at once. Writing, editing, social media, taking care of dog/husband (don't have kids but one stepson is fighting addiction so…), and all the other stuff that life entails.
So, yeah, my balance needs improved and it will be one day soon when my fingers get itchy with all that junk in my brain seeking release.
And, Nathan: So glad your dog is okay. They are such wonderful souls…:)
Kariss says
I recently finished college and am working and writing. I am also trying to juggle a growing social life in a new city. All great things, right? I have had to set a schedule and stick to it (which is so hard for me because I can be a workaholic when I become focused on a task). I set aside time to write and time for myself and social time. My friends are learning when I can and can't do things. I am learning to say "no" (which is very hard for me). I work hard to stick to the schedule and hold myself accountable, giving myself leeway for those inspired moments that happen at the most inconvenient times where I just have to write. 🙂 So glad I am not alone in trying to find balance!
Anonymous says
If you work at home, or for yourself, or too much, days off, days out in the world, can way too easily dry up. Years can pass and you are spending your days in your sleepwear (or the equivalent) in front of the computer.
I also think that's a reason social media is so popular. I have friends who only socialize on line.
It is hard work tearing yourself away from what consumes you.
I have to schedule the get-out-get-away-time in and then, when I lose it, reschedule it in again.
Marilyn Peake says
So glad you’re giving yourself some free time. You deserve it! I reached that point a couple of years ago. Ironically, I’m on the "treadmill" today, trying to do way too much, but I no longer enjoy working at this pace. I made time the other day to plan some fun vacations, and bought tickets to see both The Blue Man Group and Cirque du Soleil, and am looking forward to all of that. Today, I feel exhausted from all the writing-related work I’ve been doing, but I’m not complaining either – I’m lucky to be able to spend so much time on writing.
I love Bryan Russell’s post. I wish I could be that eloquent today, but I’m way too tired. I agree with his statement, "Life is always changing, and so the goal of balance, and the processes for finding it, are in constant flux as well." That is so true. Every time we find balance, it has already begun slipping away. It’s a constant process.
Chris Eboch says
I try to remember a concept from The Artist's Way — filling the well. In order to keep drawing from the well, you need to make sure the well is getting filled up. Writers and other artists do this by having real world experiences — playing, socializing, getting out in nature, visiting museums, galleries, the zoo, the aquarium, etc., trying new foods and new activities, listening to music… anything that feeds your creative spirit.
Chris Eboch
The Eyes of Pharaoh: a mystery in ancient Egypt
Stephanie Barr says
I appear to be self-balancing because of the efficient way my subconscious works. See my writing is all done by my subconscious with the conscious part of my mind doing nothing more than correcting spelling and saying "Are you sure you want to use that word?" The good stuff, the building of characters and worlds, the interplay of dialog, the plot twists and interactions, all these are the work of my subconscious.
What that means is, when I don't fee like writing, I don't because it's garbage. My subconscious will let me know when it's ready. In the mean time, my subconscious will direct me to watch movies or read book or steep myself in this or that, which is uniformly entertaining, feels like self-indulgence, but always turns out to be inspiration as I try to capture this or that aspect that my own work is missing.
Then, when my subconscious is ready, I'll sit down and write like a madwoman, with the words coming out as quickly as I can type them, often not knowing what I'll write more than a sentence or two ahead of my fingers.
In between these fits of frenzy, I can do my prescribed inspiration, revise existing works and fret over marketing which is a weak spot probably because my subconscious won't have anything to do with it.
Yes, I'm well aware I'm weird.
Katherine Hyde says
I'm still searching. Add to the work/sleep/writing mix two kids, an active church life, and the fact that I am in my fifties (and thus way past having the energy of a 30-something-year-old), and you have a scale that is dipping dangerously into the negative on time for rejuvenation. I woke up exhausted this morning after attempting to have a relaxing weekend–don't even want to think about how tired I'll be by Friday. Or how unrestful next weekend will be. And I've only written about two hours in the last two weeks.
danielle spears says
Tense? An English teacher spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her students' papers and was beginning to doubt whether she was getting through to them. One day as the stress got to her, she leaned over her desk and rubbed her temples.
"What's the matter, Mrs. D?" A passing student asked.
"Tense," she mumbled.
The student hesitated a moment, then said, "What could be the matter? What has been the matter? What was the matter?"
🙂
Donna Hole says
"Just say no" to writing and blogging sometimes is my balance. Every two or three months I take a weekend off and just hang out with everyone. Feels weird, but I'm learning not to feel the guilt.
I've had a few epiphanies while not focusing so hard on the current WIP; so it wasn't all wasted writing time 🙂
Glad you're getting a handle on things Nathan.
……..dhole
Lucy says
Thanks for this post, Nathan. Like you (and many others), I've been pushing too hard for a while. This spring, however, I'm going to take time out for my gardens–several projects involving dirt are under way, and I'm excited about them–looking forward to the weather breaking so I can really get started.
I don't know if you'd call that balance, but it's a much needed refresher. 🙂