Leslie Knope: Hello citizens of Pawnee. I’m Leslie Knope, and Oim Irish M’Lady, Cheerio!!!
I’m not Irish. I’m actually from Pawnee. It’s kind of crappy but we love it anyway.
Sir? No. Sir? I will deal with you when I’m finished. Also your jacket is on fire.
Big smile, Knope. Big smile.
Wait. Did I say that out loud? I said that out loud didn’t I.
Ahem.
Nathan invited me here to announce the finalists in the first paragraph competition, and I thought, sure, first paragraph competition, what this party really needs is a festival! So everyone look under their seats where there are two color coded binders, which reveal the location of the real binders, one through seventeen, which will give you your…
No groaning! Now, I know what you’re thinking. This is too awesome to even contemplate. I know, I’m thinking that too. That’s why I’m wearing my hottest cargo pants.
Where were we? First paragraphs! Right! Let me turn my attention over to my boss, the great Ron Swanson. Give him a big Pawnee welcome. Ron?
Ron: Thank you, Leslie.
I hate first paragraphs. I think that first paragraphs are an abomination unto God, freedom, and bacon. My ex-wife Tammy loved first paragraphs, and so did my other ex-wife Tammy. First paragraphs are a fetid disease that pollutes people with a love of reading. I don’t believe people shouldn’t read, with the sole exception of the Constitution of the United States and the collected works of Ayn Rand. Books just give people ideas, and when people have ideas they complain. So I hate them.
That is all.
Leslie: Annnnnd thank you Ron Swanson! Isn’t he great? He’s really the greatest boss in the world. Loooves those paragraphs too.
Okay! It’s time to announce the finalists of the… no wait. That’s not right. Because that would be weird. Bee boo. Moving on.
The honorable mentions! That’s what I meant. These individuals win a shoe shine from Andy Dwyer and a free improvisational musical experience courtesy of April Ludgate!
Also I tried April’s musical experience and she just throws a harmonica at you, so watch out.
Honorable mentions!
Tchann
Josin L. McQuein
Jessie Oliveros
NRH
Leah
Julia
Ann Best
Megan
Jenise Frohlinger
Elissa Sussman
Rick
And the finalists!!
Nathan gave me strict instructions. In order to vote for the winner, please leave a vote in the comments section of this post. You will have until Wednesday 6pm Pacific time to vote. Please do not e-mail him your vote.
Also: No campaigning for yourself or your favorites out there on the Internet. Don’t make me use my power to petition for grievances.
Anonymous comments have been closed for the duration of the voting. There will be no blog post on Wednesday as the votes are being tallied, but we will return on Thursday to crown the victor and talk about what worked for Nathan in the first para… Oim Irish again, laddy! Oim going to go down to the pub to talk about powygraphs!
I’m really not Irish.
The six finalists!!! In no particular order!! Are!!!
The Sasquatch!
The funny thing about tennis, my father used to tell me, was no matter how hard you worked, no matter how good you got, you’d never be as good as a wall. My father didn’t like most sports. Football players, he said, were just drunks in training. Golf was what rich people did when they didn’t want anyone to call them lazy. Hockey was exercise for the criminally insane. And soccer? Well, let’s just say that, all debates of free speech aside, some things are inappropriate for a team of ten year old girls, and the next time he sets foot in the Hamilton County Sports Metroplex, he’ll likely face a $2000 fine and six months in jail. Not that it would matter to him.
Ben!
From a bird’s eye view, the sight is beautiful, pristine. The symmetrical gridlines of Shelter’s streets rest on the jagged landscape of the Colorado Mountains, an obvious imperfection that only makes them more charming, like a scar on a beautiful woman. On Monday evening, the streets are vacant. It’s local custom to shell up in a living room and anesthetize your dread of the coming week with a massive dose of televised entertainment. It’s what people do, it’s normal. For the few who walk outside, the October wind is their only companion. Tonight, Charles Crawford is on the other side of the windowpanes and misses the meaningless comfort of being normal.
Anonymous!
I was born during an electrical storm. They told me when Matilda saw me for the first time the lights flickered, and in that moment of blackness, my sister leaned over and whispered, “I missed you.” Like I had just returned from a trip.
Daniel Wheatley!
Wolfgang Benjamin Zuttliburg Mullenbottom IV was the most imaginative boy to ever live. When he was born, he floated right out of the doctor’s hands and nearly out of the nursery. (He would have made it too, if the doctor hadn’t once been a poisonous snake wrangler with Animal Control and still had his lightning reflexes.) “This will not do,” his father, the stoutest in a long line of stout German fathers, said as his son bobbled in the nursery like a helium balloon. So when it came time to make out the birth certificate, he chose the heaviest name possible so his son would keep his feet on the ground.
Kate Tyler Wall!
It was Ricky Dick of the Turds who said that Del and I would end up together in the Punk Rock Old Folks Home someday. We were all sitting around the fire on one of the last nights at camp, but Del and I weren’t singing along to “Beat on the Brat” with the others because as usual we were knee to knee, talking about some book or maybe the latest song we were writing or how I would have to find another day job next week. Ricky couldn’t jeer at us to “just go in the woods and screw already” like he would to anybody else because people were finally figuring out by then that we weren’t about that. Jimmy Spittle from Cybyl probably came closest to putting his finger on the nature of the relationship. He once said Del and I were each other’s “muses,” a word Ricky Dick had probably never heard of. Jimmy was a pretty deep guy, as punks go. Anyway, everybody laughed, and Del told Ricky where to go, and then Steve from Head Lice started playing “I Fought the Law” on his guitar and another sing-along began. Just another August night at Camp Punksatawny; one that everyone might remember fondly at middle age if they didn’t OD or die of cirrhosis first.
Hilary!
Jesus Arturo Alvarez was born on the thirteenth of September in the year of the Lord, after Whom he was named, nineteen hundred and ninety. It was a Friday, and also market day in the village of Guadalupe, Arizona, which lay just east of Ahwahtukee and southeast of Phoenix proper. During her most severe labor pains his mother screamed at the nurses for a drink and his father pinched her hard on that soft skin just above the elbow and told her to shut up. She didn’t feel the pinch but she told him to go to hell anyway and then bit him on his left hand between the thumb and forefinger. Forever after Jesus’ father had a crescent-shaped, dotted-line scar that he would rub absentmindedly with his right thumb during conversation.
Congratulations to the winners! I admire you as much as my mother, Hilary Clinton, and former Secretary of State Madeline Albright. Combined. No, multiplied. And squared.
Kate Larkindale says
I'm with Daniel Wheatly.
k10wnsta says
wow
Those were all pretty damn good finalists this time around. I mean, they're all usually at least readable, but these went beyond that.
In choosing just one to vote for, I was torn between Daniel's entry and the one submitted by Anonymous. There was such a blatant creativity in Daniel's piece – I'd definitely keep reading his work to see if he could maintain it. But in the end, I couldn't get past how much depth, detail, interest, and wonder Anonymous created in just 44 words. So I have to cast my vote for
Anonymous
…but I tip my hat to all who posted their work to be scrutinized by the interwebz.
Caroline says
Katie Tyler Wall (It was Ricky Dick…)
Naomi Canale says
Ben!
Congratulations everyone, there's some amazing work out there, wow!!!
Elizabeth says
Anonymous for me.
Iliadfan says
Loved Hilary's and Daniel Wheatley's almost as much, but my vote goes to Kate Tyler Wall.
Donea Lee says
Congrats to the finalists and honorable mentions! You're ALL winners just to be plucked from the masses who entered this contest ~ 🙂 Yay!
I'm torn between Sasquatch and Daniel Wheatley – but, as I tend to enjoy the fantastical better…
I'm going to vote for Daniel Wheatley.
Amy Saia says
KTW's cracked me up. But they were all so, sooooo good. Congrats to zee finalists!
Sean says
I liked Ben!
Its first paragraph left a lot of wheels turning inside my head, which is tough to do, but what you want to see right out of the gate. All of the finalists were awesome!
Holly West says
Daniel Wheatley!
Keetha says
Congratulations to everyone! The entry here by Anonymous is my favorite.
ddelano says
Congratulations to all! These were truly wonderful all around. I vote for Anonymous – it is beautiful and moving in just a few sentences.
One thing I notice about all these finalists, is the voice – above everything else they each have that magical ingredient of voice.
Well done all!
Gypmar says
Anonymous.
Ted says
Anonymous, by a creepy fingernail over Daniel Wheatley.
brendacee says
anonymous
Suzie F. says
Well done, everyone!
My vote is for Hilary
Melody says
My vote is for The Sasquatch! 🙂 (For the record, I read them all.)
Marlene Nash-McKay says
Congrats to all the brilliant and inspirational paragraphs.
My vote goes to….. Anonymous
Marsha Sigman says
Holy Crap, this is hard. Plus I am trying to vote through my blind jealousy.
I am going with Anonymous.
But Ben's was absolutely awesome and after the first sentence of Sasquatch's, it was obvious he was describing my dad.lol Great imagery.
Kathryn says
I vote for Anonymous – the electrical storm.
Mismikado says
The Sasquatch has my vote! 🙂 As soon as I read it I wanted to read the rest of the story.
Did anyone else notice that Anonymous had the exact same first line as O.K. Go's song "Do What You Want"?
Dea says
Daniel Wheatley!
Hilarious!
Congratulations to all the finalists and the runners up!
Keith Popely says
I vote for Hilary's, which was similar to mine except much better.
D.G. Hudson says
BEN gets my vote. Great set-up, makes me wonder what Charles is up to.
Good going to all the honorable mentions too!!
Matthew Rush says
I vote for Sasquatch, and not because it's first, but because, to me, it's the funniest.
Janiel Miller says
They're all brilliant, and I'm thinking of taking up pottery now. But until then . . .
Sasquatch! You have my vote. Your final line gets two of my votes, if that's legal.
Go finalists!
Jessica says
Daniel Wheatley.
That one literally yanked a response out of me, (I laughed.) and I was immediately disappointed that there wasn't anything else to read about it.
Nathan, this was an amazing learning experience, just by seeing what 'works'. Thank you.
the Amateur Book Blogger says
Daniel Wheatley
Well done everyone.
Hilary says
Thank you so much, Nathan! Totally made my month! Congratulations to the other finalists and the honorable mentions. If finalists are permitted to vote, I would like to vote for Ben's paragraph.
Jessie Oliveros says
Honorable mention! That is REALLY great news.
I vote for Anonymous whoever you are. I liked it because it was simple and mysterious.
Robin says
Anonymous!
Stacy McKitrick says
Congratulations to all the finalists and honorable mentions.
My vote goes to Anonymous!
Kathleen says
I vote for Anonymous.
marilynpeake says
Congratulations to all the winners! I vote for: Ben.
Rick says
Really hard choice here. Teetering between Ben and Anonymous. The mystery presented so succinctly in Anon's grabs me by the throat. Love it. But Ben's grabs me by the head and heart.
Ben
(And pretty thrilled here to be among the honorable mentions. Thanks for that, Nathan.)
kellyallanwriter says
Hilary
Darla says
Anonymous
katehyde says
Tough call, but I vote for Hilary.
Beth says
The Sasquatch
Elisabeth says
My vote is for Sasquatch.
Real cab driver says
The Sasquatch
The best of the finalists.
Liana says
haha sasquatch ftw. loved it. so funny
maggsie1 says
I like anonymous best. Succinct, but riveting.
Summer Frey says
Throw me in with The Sasquatch. Like, my vote. Not me personally.
Leah says
Thanks so much for the honorable mention, Nathan! Not too shabby.
My vote goes to Anonymous, the electrical storm.
monkeybethmedia says
This is a tough one. I thought they were all good, but the one that made me go, "Oh," is the one I have to vote for.
Anonymous – your paragraph made me want to see more!
Great beginning!
Kristine Overbrook says
They are all good, but I like
Daniel Wheatley!
best
Lisa says
Anonymous.
It was the one that most made me want to read more.
AveryMarsh says
Congrats to all the finalists!
I was torn between Anonymous and Daniel Wheatley, but… I'm going to have to go with Anonymous.
So much oomph packed into such a small paragraph.
letmewritethat says
They're all interesting, but Anonymous gets my vote! That paragraph sparks many questions.