This query is part of the Be an Agent for a Day contest. Rules and Regulations here
Please post your rejection or manuscript request in the comment section!
Dear Agent for a Day,
I chose to submit to you because of your wonderful taste in fantasy, and because you keep such an updated and informative blog.
Zach is a young college student living in the kingdom of Azarath. But when the young man realizes that his life is really messed up, Zach finds himself jumping through worlds and trying to overthrow the mysterious Aderyn in his quest to find the perfect world.
‘The End of the Worlds’ is a 54,461 word long work of fantasy and this is my first novel.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Best wishes,
Author
The sun was just starting to rise when Zach woke up. It wasn’t exactly the most beautiful sunrise he had ever seen, though. In fact, the twenty-five-year-old was pretty certain that a featherless bird or a shaved cat was more breathtaking than this particular sunrise. The sky was cloudy and dismal and it had rained all that night and would probably continue to do so for all of today.
Zach yawned, stretched, then proceeded to go through his daily routine. He took off a sheet from his daily trivia calendar (it said something about who truly won the Great War), debated about shaving (he decided not to), brushed his teeth, and then got dressed. He then went downstairs to greet his friend and housemate, Aurora.
Aurora was a nice enough girl with tan skin, green eyes, and straight blonde hair. She was the cook in the house and was willing to experiment with just about anything. Needless to say, some of her favorite ingredients for omelettes were ostrich, porcupine, and, of course, gold fish. Zach trusted her not with his pet cat Mecca, a calico cat that enjoyed hiding under beds and other furniture. Or, in extreme circumstances, his lunch.
As Zach walked into the kitchen, a plate with a cheese and sweet onion omelette on it was passed into his hand, followed by a glass of milk. “Thanks,” he said, sitting at the table. Aurora soon sat across from him, tousling his dark hair.
“What’s the plan for today, Zach?” Aurora innocently asked. Zach turned away from her, realizing what day today was. “Are we going to the college library?”
Zach sighed. “You can. I’m not.”
Aurora cocked her head, showing off her small ears. “Why not?”
“You know why.”
Aurora gasped in false realization. “I know why!” Zach looked at her. “You melt in the rain!”
Zach laughed, his mood lightening slightly. “No, no, that’s my dad. I have a prior arrangement, remember?”
Aurora nodded, remembering for real. “Oh, right! You want me to come with?”
Zach shook his head. “No, it’s okay. You don’t have to.”
“You sure? You’re not all that good at planting flowers.”
“No, I’ve got it covered.” Zach paused, then continued. “What do you think, Aurora, daffodils or lilies?”
Aurora thought for a moment. “I think it should be daffodils. They last longer than lilies, don’t they?”
Zach nodded. “Thanks. I’ll get the gardening stuff and I’ll take the truck, ‘kay?”
Aurora nodded. “Take a coat and umbrella!” Zach nodded again, then grabbed the truck keys and gardening tools, then left to go to the florist.
Today was October 13th. It was also Zach’s older brother’s birthday. Aside from that, it was also the day his older brother had died. Every year, Zach went to pay his respects and just talk with his brother, Alex. A bunch of his friends said that it was really creepy, but Zach said he felt it made things just a bit better. Deep down, Zach felt that it was his own fault that Alex was dead, no matter what therapist said to him on the contrary.
The cemetery was quiet as the rain drizzled and a slight breeze whisked through. Zach held his umbrella in one hand and the daffodils in the other. He slowly made his way to the tombstone and knelt in front of it.. The inscription said the full name, Alexander Matthew Entineval, and his year of birth and death. There wasn’t anything else on the plain, gray stone. After some prayer, Zach uprooted the weeds and planted the daffodil bulbs in the ground.
“Hey, bro,” Zach said, after he was done. “How you doing?” Nothing happened. “Yeah, same here. You remember Aurora, right? She’s doing okay. I haven’t told her that those beads she left you and mom got stolen. It would break her heart.” Zach sat on the ground. “My studies on temporal physics are coming along great. I’ve almost got my doctorate! Isn’t that great, Alex? It’s just what I’ve always wanted.” There was a pause, then, “Alex, what would you do if you were alive? I know you were interested in law enforcement, but . . . ” Silence. “You know what would be great? If you were still alive.”
There was a sudden gust of wind that almost blew away Zach’s umbrella. The rain started to come down harder. On the wind, Zach thought he heard someone say, “Don’t even think about it.” Of course, he was still half asleep, so it could be his imagination.
Zach stood up and brushed himself off. “Alex, I think I’m going to do it. I think I’m going to protect you. Somehow.” Another gust of wind and more rain. “Think about it! I can not only protect you, but I can protect mom and get rid of dad! On top of that, we’ll know where mom stashed your Halloween candy that year!” The wind seemed to die down a bit, and Zach loosened his grip on the handle of his umbrella, but then another blast from the wind tore it from his hand. “Oh, you did that on purpose, didn’t you, big brother?” Zach laughed, not really caring that it was now raining cats and dogs. “I’ll figure it out. I’ll travel through time to protect you and mom and dad. I’ll be a hero… no… I’ll be a god! I’ll be beyond the physics of our world! All shall bow before the might of Zachary Entineval!” With that, Zach ran off toward the truck, while the storm raged on until it seemed to die out and went back to being a slight drizzle.
When Zach got back to his house, Aurora was sitting on the couch in the living room, reading a book on religion. She turned and gasped. “Oh, gods, Zach! What happened?” She ran upstairs and quickly came back with pajamas, quilt and a steaming cup of hot cocoa. Zach sighed and put on the pajamas, wrapped himself up in the blanket and sat down on the couch with the cocoa.
“I’m pretty sure my brother enjoys manipulating weather just to mess with my head.” Zach took a sip of cocoa. “Mm! Marshmallows? You shouldn’t have.”
Aurora gently took the cup of cocoa from Zach’s hands and placed it on the coffee table in front of them. She then slapped him across the face. “I don’t care what you believe, Zach, but saying your brother controls the weather is blasphemous in my book.”
Zach rubbed his cheek, then grabbed the cocoa. “Sorry. …. who was it that controls the weather again?”
Aurora sighed, putting her face in her palm. “The gods, silly.”
“Yeah, but which one?”
“It depends on what’s going on.”
Zach sighed. He never did understand Aurora’s religion. And, even though he roomed with her and she actively practiced this religion, he probably never would. “Never mind, Aurora. I just thought of an amazing idea.”
“I’m afraid.”
“You see, we make this device that carries us through time, right? And–“
”And we see our future selves.”
“No. We–“
”We see our past selves and tell them not to make the same mistakes we made.”
“No, we–“
”Go back to the founding of the planet and tell the gods to stop what they’re doing.”
“No, we let me finish!” Aurora blushed. “We go back in time and we protect my mom and brother!”
Aurora closed her eyes and thought, then said, “By changing the time line, we would most likely make ourselves cease existing as we do now. Then, we might not feel the need to change the time line, so we ultimately would be trapped in a horrible cycle of changing then not changing. Is that what you want?”
Zach thought for a minute, looked like he was going to say something, thought some more, and then said, “Hey, maybe there’s a world out there where that rule didn’t apply. Wouldn’t that be great?”
“What would be better is if there was a world where we were there…”
“… and?”
“And we were living an as-close-to-perfect-as-physically-possible life. You know, your brother not dead, your mom not dead, and your dad not a crazy murderer.”
Zach turned to her. “And your folks accept you for who you care about and where you live!”
Aurora looked at Zach. “And everyone was happy!”
Zach grabbed her hands. “Yes! … but…” He turned away. “How will we know which is the right world for us?”
Aurora thought for a moment and scratched behind her head, then said, “I dunno. What if we just keep going through worlds till we find the right one?”
Zach looked back at her and gave her a hug. “Have I mentioned lately that you’re just too awesome for words, Aurora?”
Aurora smiled. “I know I am. But what about you? You’re my springboard.”
“Aw, you’re too sweet.”
And so it began. Zach and Aurora started doing some serious research on theories about these other worlds, general temporal physics, and what sorts of materials have mythical other worldly properties.. Zach settled on using silver from his grandmother’s favorite ring, as many myths said that silver was very powerful, and some brass from a really old doorhandle, as brass was said to protect mortals. Aurora looked into how their device would be powered. She also looked into what the device would look like. After a couple of days, it was ready. It was night when they decided to use it.
“Behold!” Zach shouted, holding up the small, pen-like device. Other than the few cords sticking out and the silver ring with a sapphire on it on top, it could pass for a regular black pen. “I call it–“
”WE call it the Interdimensional Pen of Doom!” Aurora interrupted. “We built it, remember?”
Zach smiled cheesily. “Heheh… yeah… sorry.” He took a closer look at the pen. “Why does it have to be of doom?”
“Because that sounds awesome, silly!”
“Yeah, it does. Well, here goes nothing.” With that, Zach clicked the pen on and drew a circle in midair. When the line had been connected, a bright yellow center appeared. Zach cautiously looked into it. “… nothing. Just… yellow.”
Aurora sighed. “I’m sorry, Zach. I thought it would work.”
Zach stuck his head in. “Yeah, it’s just yellow with a little bit of white. Like scrambled eggs, sort of.”
“… Really? How strange.”
Zach stuck more of him into the circle. His shoulders were in the ring now. “It’s kinda windy. And it sounds like the ocean. Pretty cool if you ask me.” He didn’t realize it, but he was being sucked in. “I wonder if it goes anywhere.” Aurora stood up in alarm. “Aurora, you want to– GAH!!!” Zach was all the way in.
“ZACH!” Aurora screamed. The ring was still there. “… don’t worry, buddy! I’m coming!” Aurora launched herself into the ring. Upon going all the way through, the circle of yellow shrank and disappeared.
Up was down and down was up. Were they going forwards or backwards? To the side, maybe? All they knew was that solid ground was nowhere near them. There was no sound aside from the sound of ocean waves. Zach tried yelling. Aurora tried screaming. Nothing. All they saw was the yellow and white area around them.
Until there was suddenly green.
Zach hit the ground hard, landing on his neck and rolling a bit before coming to a stop on his back. Aurora soon followed, but simply landed on her chest. It was a clear night in a meadow when they arrived. Zach recognized some simple constellations from home, but nothing else. He shakily tried to stand, but to no avail. He fell, but tried to get up again. This time, he got to one knee.
There really was nothing much around him. Grass, some dandelions, and a few trees were all he saw. When he finally got his footing, he rushed over to Aurora and helped her up.
“W-where are we?” she asked tenderly. “I’m scared!” She clung to him as she looked around. “I want to go home.”
Zach sighed. He was feeling a bit unsure of himself as well. In theory, this was an excellent idea. However, in practice, like many other things, not so much. “According to that book I read on this, we would be dumped where we came from.”
“So… this is your house, in our city, on our planet?” Aurora asked, clarifying everything.
“I… guess so.”
Aurora looked up at Zach, tears in her eyes. “Where’s your house, then?”
Zach shook his head. “I don’t know. Maybe we went through time, too.”
Aurora cried, “No! We couldn’t have! We just wanted to go somewhere else, not somewhen else!”
Zach lifted up her chin and wiped away her tears. “No crying now, hear me? Everything will be okay. Who knows? Maybe there’s a really nice person who’ll let us stay at their house.” Aurora smiled shakily and nodded. “That’s the spirit! Let’s go find that nice person.”
So, the two went to find a figurative person who may or may not exist. They figured that they would be best off to look away from the trees. They eventually found a road and a very fancy wrought iron gate not that far off. A big house (hopefully with a nice person in it) wouldn’t be too far off!
If you call ‘not too far off’ a half-mile uphill.
Eventually, the warm glow of a mansion reached their eyes. Upon seeing it, Aurora ran up to the building and started banging on the door. “Hello?” she shouted, “Anyone in there? Please, we got lost and we need a place to stay! Anywhere would be fine! A warm bed and some food would be highly appreciated!”
Zach pulled her from the door. “Aurora, knock it off! If we beg, they won’t do anything for us! We’ll just be left out here in the cold!”
Aurora broke from his grasp quite easily. “If we say nothing, they won’t do anything either!” She continued banging on the door. “Please, help us! We’ll scrub the floors with toothbrushes if need be!” Zach sighed. There really was no deterring her.
Eventually, the doors opened and out came a slender woman in her 40’s. “May I help you two?” the woman asked. She had brown hair that looked like
Aurora nodded, “Yes, we got lost and need a place to stay.”
The woman laughed. “Well, then, come inside! You two must be hungry.”
“Indeed!” Aurora replied. After sticking her tongue out at Zach in triumph, she rushed in, but Zach walked rather slowly. He absorbed the interior of the beautiful mansion. There was a marble floor and a lot of silver decorations. Throughout the house, the haunting sound of a piano echoed. The brown-haired woman who welcomed them led the two up a marble staircase to a pair of guest bedrooms. Zach settled into his room and found plenty of reading material. Most of it was on music, but it was reading material nonetheless. Eventually, the woman came back with a bowl of rice, chicken, peas, and carrots.
“Thank you, ma’am,” Zach said, “Not only for the food, but for you letting us stay in your house unannounced.”
The woman laughed. “Oh, please, call me Alice! Ma’am makes me feel old. And this isn’t my house.”
Zach was puzzled. “It’s not?”
“No, it’s my eldest son’s house. He’s a famous pianist.”
“Really? Then that must be him playing piano that I hear.”
“Yeah, he’s amazing.”
Zach took the fork he had been provided and plowed into the food. “Mmm…”
Alice laughed. “You remind me of his little brother. He could never wait for food.”
Zach coughed. “It’s really good. Thank you.” Alice smiled, then started to leave, but stopped when she heard Zach ask, “By the way, what’s your eldest son’s name?”
Alice turned and replied, “His name is Alex.” As Zach puzzled over this information, she left. She obviously wasn’t his mother, so the likelihood of this being the same Alex was slim. After devouring his supper, Zach curled up and fell asleep to the sweet sound of piano.
STATS: 1% request rate
ros says
My problem with this query and the (unsolicited) sample is that the kingdom of Azarath reads as if it is twenty-first century America and Zach could be a student at any college in the country. If this is a fantasy novel, I’d like to see some more imagination.
Shawntelle says
Dear Author,
Thanks for your submission, THE END OF WORLDS, today. I’m afraid I must pass since the novel did not grab me as expected. Good luck in seeking representation.
Sincerely,
Shawntelle
Ego says
Dear Author,
Thank you for submitting your work. I regret I am not sufficiently enthusiastic to represent you at present. Note that this is a personal reaction and you may have success elsewhere.
Regards,
Ego
Exir Kamalabadi says
Dear Author:
Thank you for querying our agency. Unfortunately, I’ll have to pass on
this one. Keep in mind that publishing is a subjective business, and
what is not right for me may be the perfect fit for another agent!
Best of luck,
Exir Kamalabadi
Thermocline says
Thank you for your query. I need more details about Zach, such as why his life is messed up and who Aderyn is, before I would be willing to consider your work. Your query needs to be stronger before I would read your attached pages.
Liz says
Dear Author:
Thank you so much for sending the Agent Literary Agency your query.
We’d like to apologize for the impersonal nature of this standard rejection letter. Rest assured that we do read every query letter carefully and, unfortunately, this project is not right for us.
Because this business is so subjective and opinions vary widely, we recommend that you pursue other agents. After all, it just takes one “yes” to find the right match.
Good luck with all your publishing endeavors.
Sincerely,
Agent for a Day
Marybeth says
Dear Author,
I regret to inform you that I am unable to represent your manuscript. Unfortunately I am not interested in this genre. Best of luck to you in the future.
Sincerely,
Marybeth
Cristy at Living Donor 101 says
Thanks for your query and sample pages. Fantasy is a difficult genre to master, and I’m afraid your submission lacked the conflict and tension needed to drive readers through the manuscript. Good luck with your future endeavors.
Agent Yard Oaf says
Dear Author,
Thank you for submitting your query. You have some interesting ideas, but I don’t feel that I could adequately represent your book.
Best wishes,
Agent Yard Oaf
rainsinger says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query but I regret your work is not right for me at this time.
To grip me the voice would need to be stronger, more polished and less emotive. The writing takes a bit long to get to the point and my interest was not held.
Best wishes
Rain agency
Tyler says
Dear Author,
Thank you for considering me in your quest for publication; unfortunately, I do not feel I am the right agent for your project. Best of luck in your future endeavours.
Sincerely,
Agent T
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
I appreciate you sending in your work, but I don’t think its right for us.
Best of luck,
Keith Champaign
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
I read through your query and I’m not interested in representing you at this time. Your piece isn’t quite what I am looking for right now. I hope you receive the critiquing you need and be sure to keep submitting and writing.
Agent Emily Jean
Anonymous says
Dear pursuing author,
After reviewing your query, I feel that what you have presented to us is just not going to fly in our market right now. Sorry but keep up the good work.
Sincerely,
Pepe Habanera
Mega says
I thank you for sending me your query but it isn’t right for me at this time.
-MV
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
I’m sorry, but this story is not right for me. Thanks for sending me your request, I really appreciate it. Please continue writing.
Veronica Lovette
Kristin says
Dear Author,
Thank you for submitting your query; however, I am sorry to say that I will not be pursuing it any further. It does not fit my list at this time, but there are many agents out there and I would encourage you to continue submitting to those who rep your genre.
Regards,
KM
Professor I.M. Diphthong says
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately this is not what I am looking for. I wish you the best of luck.
Diana says
Dear Query #8:
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, I am no longer representing science fiction/fantasy.
Best wishes,
Diana
Rubenesque Writer says
Dear Author,
Thank you for thinking of me, but I don’t think I am the right agent to represent this manuscript. Best of luck.
Sincerely,
RW Lit
jnantz says
Dear Author:
I appreciate the opportunity to consider your work. After a lot of thought, I’m afraid I’m going to have to pass. I just don’t feel I can represent this project with the kind of enthusiasm it would require. However, this business is very subjective, and I encourage you to query widely. Many agents may feel differently.
Thank you again,
Jnantz
Kaiscomet says
Thank you for your submission. I regret to inform you that I am passing on your project at this time. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.
Sincerely
gypsyscarlett says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query.
Unfortunately, your story is not right for me.
I wish you much luck finding a suitable agent.
Leis says
Dear Author,
Thank you for querying me. I’m afraid I have to pass on this one.
Good luck with your work.
Kind regards,
Leis
Anonymous says
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, I do not feel I am the right agent for your project. I encourage you to query other agents and wish you the best of luck.
Thank you,
Agent C
(word count too low for fantasy)
NotJana says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. However, I’m afraid that at this time I am unable to offer representation for your project.
All the best,
Agent For A Day (Or Two)
Perle_Rare says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission but this isn’t right for me at this time.
Best wishes,
Perle_Rare
Reason:
– The query did not hook me.
H. Zilionis says
Dear Author,
Thank you so much for sending me your query and offering me the chance to consider your work. Unfortunately, I am not the right agent for your project.
Good luck and keep writing!
Holly Z – Agent for a Day
(The one thing that jumped out at me is the word count seems to be quite short for a fantasy novel.)
Sharon aka Sapphire says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, I do not feel it is right for me. Remember that my opinion is just one. I urge you to continue to seek out representation with your manuscript.
Best wishes,
Sharon
Aimless Writer says
No thank you.
I think the query needs more. I didn’t read the pages because the the query didn’t grab me.
Just_Me says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. Your novel sounds intriguing but at this time does not suit our list. We wish you the best of luck placing it with another agency.
Sincerely,
Agent
Note: Full points for brevity, but what you have is 3/4 of a novel, and not enough of a query to make me want to read it.
I think the MC’s name is all I got out of the query. The rest you need to explain to me.
And you could probably plump up the word count. Go back and see if there is any world building or secondary story lines you can add to. Aim for a word count of at least 75k unless this is YA. The word count is right for YA, but you didn’t mention it.
And don’t tell me this is your first novel. Remember the First Date Rule… don’t tell me everything yet, just enough to get me interested in a second date.
Maria A says
Thank you for thinking of our agency, but not for us at this moment.
Best of luck,
Agent
Davien says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission, but this is not for me. I wish you luck in finding a home for your manuscript.
All the best,
Janine says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query, but I am not the right agent for this. Best of luck.
Reason: voice is entertaining, but the writing feels rough.
Rebecca Knight says
Dear Worlds,
Thank you for your query, and for thinking of my agency. Unfortunately, I feel that I’m not the best fit for your project. This industry is highly subjective, so I’m sure others will feel differently. Best of luck to you in all your endeavors.
Sincerely,
Rebecca Knight
Nora Coon says
Not right for us at this time. Best of luck.
***
I wanted more plot in the query.
Vic K says
Dear Author,
Thanks for your submission, but it isn’t right for me at this time.
Regards,
Vic K
Reason; There was a lot I liked about the premise but the plot didn’t hang together well enough for me.
Alisa says
No, thank you.
Alisa.
Shannon says
Dear Author,
Thank you for submitting your query for THE END OF THE WORLDS for review. Unfortunately, I am not the right person to represent this story. This is a subjective business so another agent may feel differently. Good luck.
Sincerely,
Shannon
Annie Reynolds says
Dear author
Thank you for taking the time to submit your query to the A.F. A.D. agency. Unfortunately I do not believe your novel is a good fit at this time, but please remember that this is a very subjective industry, so keep trying.
Good luck with your career.
Yours truly,
Annie Reynolds.
Aisling says
Dear Author,
I am sorry to inform you that I am not interested in your book. It does not fit with what I am looking for right now so I regret to tell you that, although I appreciated you sending me your query, I would not like to publish your work. Feel free to send me a query for other books you complete. I wish you the best of luck with your writing!
Aisling
Asherose says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission, but it isn’t for me at this time. Best of luck with it elsewhere!
Agent
Reasoning: Opening flattery unneeded. Blurb is too sketchy, not enough information, would like to see the story told, to some extent, in the blurb. Rest of letter is fine.
Anonymous says
Dear writer,
I appreciate the query but your book is not what I am looking for at the moment. However, I wish you luck in getting this book published.
best regards,
Nathaniel Orange
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
Not my cup of tea.
Agent Edgar Leroy 3rd
Anonymous says
Thank you for your query, though I don’t think I’m interested in taking your story idea. Keep on writing.
-Thanks,
Suzuki Volkeswagon
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
I appreciate your time and efforts, but I am sorry to say that I do not wish to represent your story. If you have another story idea, please send it to me in the future, and I would be happy to look at it.
Best Wishes,
Quintus Blackburn
Katalina Marie says
Dear Author,
I’m sorry but I don’t think that this book is the one for me.
Regards,
Katalina Marie
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
I am not interested in your novel. Keep writing, your story had potential but was not for me. Feel free to Query me later with another piece of your work.
Dorothy says
Dear Author:
Thank you for your submission of The end of the Worlds. After careful consideration I am not able to accept this book for my list.
Oddly, the description of your book from your letter does not seem to fit the pages that you included. That may be a subjective failure of my own imagination. Continue to work with your book and hone its focus. Start in the middle of the real action and delete the warm up pages that do not advance the plot or theme. The premise of a disaffected youth jumping through the dimensions seeking a perfect world could work as a coming of age novel. I’d like to see you do that.
Sincerely,
Honesty Is the Best Policy.
Arkham says
Dear Author,
I regret to inform you that I am not interested in representing your story. I hope you have better luck in the future.
Best of luck,
Arkham