This query is part of the Be an Agent for a Day contest. Rules and Regulations here
Please post your rejection or manuscript request in the comment section!
Dear Agent for a Day,
When Penn Ellesworth takes a summer college job looking for endangered Biscuit Owls in southwestern Colorado, her purpose is simply to save the world, as she proudly tells her crewmates. However, her fear of the dark soon collides with her desperate desire to do good, and she starts to make mistakes. She hits a cow with the work truck in the middle of the night, and lies to their boss, Charlene Van Holt, to cover it up. She pursues a friendship with Charlene’s dangerously unstable brother, a failing rancher with grudges of his own. Finally, and most irrevocably, she falls in love with her owl-obsessed crew boss, Nick Unser. Nick persuades her to use her connections with Charlene and her brother to restore critical habitat for the Biscuit Owl—work that can only be done by fire. Will Penn commit arson, even murder, in her quest to be true to her ideals and take action for an environmental cause?
Burning Down the Ranch is a 100,000-word literary novel that should appeal to readers of Barbara Kingsolver and Pam Houston. It features smart, tough women who aren’t afraid to put themselves on the line to fight for their beliefs, yet are still beset with tricky relationship issues.
Since receiving my MFA in 2003, I’ve published stories in several journals, including the Ontario Review, the North American Review, West Branch, and SEED Science Magazine (annual fiction issue). My work has won honors in the Atlantic Monthly Student Fiction Contest and NAR’s Kurt Vonnegut Fiction Prize, and been nominated for Best American Voices and a Pushcart Prize. Burning Down the Ranch is my first novel.
I’ve been reading your blog for almost a year now, and it’s one of my favorite sources of inspiration and information about the publishing process. As per the instructions on your website, I am pasting the first five pages of my novel to the end of this email.
Thanks for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Author
Burning Down the Ranch
Chapter I
This is the summer that Charlene Van Holt will burn down her brother’s ranch, but no one knows that yet, not even Charlene, so the owlers can be excused for their ignorance. It’s June, 1993, and the three have them have only just started: this is their very first night out alone. They’re setting up camp on the Tenderfoot finger mesas, on the opposite side of Stickleback County from the Van Holt family ranch, and they can hardly believe their good luck. They’re being paid to hike the woods at night, hooting like an owl and writing down what hoots back. “It’s like we lucked into some job lottery or something,” says Penn, the girl, hooking her honey hair behind one ear and letting her gear slide to the ground.
“Except for the whole pay part,” Bo answers. “Twelve dollars a day is hardly the lottery.” He fingers his Discman, which could stand to be replaced but won’t be, not this summer.
“We got what we need, though,” adds Nick, the oldest at twenty-three. “Shelter, enough to buy food—“
“Not much of it.”
“—a vehicle. The tools to do our job.”
Charlene would approve of Nick’s argument. It was her idea a decade ago to meet the new wildlife survey requirements with volunteer crews. Sure, they’re less experienced, but inexperience has the side benefit of being less likely to find something inconvenient. So Lenny, her head biologist, started to put out a little advertisement in college internship bulletins every spring, and ten years later, here they are. The Biscuit Owl is what they’re looking for this year; up from the Electric Eagle, the Two-Tailed Frog, and the Trumpet-Nosed Bat. But this is all history to the owlers, who know nothing more of it than anything else. They probably couldn’t even pick Charlene Van Holt, their boss’s boss, out of a crowd. But she wouldn’t hold that against them.
“Another tick!” Penn exclaims, and flicks one off her arm.
“Nice. Free to infest one of us. The thing to do is kill it,” says Bo.
“I know.”
“But you just can’t bring yourself to.” Bo’s voice is a little singsongy, like he’s imitating an imitation of her.
“I know. I need to get into the killing mode. I know,” she says, trying not to rise to the bait, if this is a bait. She still isn’t quite sure what to do with herself, the lone girl in the boys’ club. She goes off to set up her tent.
“She’s such a chick,” complains Bo to Nick when she’s out of earshot.
Nick shrugs. “It’ll be good for us,” he says, as he gets out the Coleman stove. He’s on dinner duty tonight. “Keep us from turning into total wild men.”
“But that’s the thing,” Bo says. “I want to be a wild man this summer. Grizzly Adams, man! Let my beard grow! Sleep on the ground! Bathe in the streams!”
Nick raises one eyebrow as he pumps up the stove, twenty vigorous strokes, just like the label pasted on the little red tank instructs. Bo seems an unlikely candidate for a Grizzly Adams wannabe. His T shirt is probably the single newest object in the entire camp. His blond hair is freshly cut and Nick could have sworn he heard him blow-drying it this morning in the community bathroom.
It’s their first night out together alone. Last week Lenny came out with them—a total weenie about everything, Bo complained, wouldn’t let them so much as go take a piss in the dark by themselves—and the week before that was training, everything from how to identify a Biscuit Owl from among the sixteen or so other owls found in southwestern Colorado to how to save your crewmate if he is choking on his dinner. They had diversity training, too, and sexual harassment training. The latter is a new thing, instituted this year after a lawsuit two districts over, but once again, the owlers don’t know that. They don’t even know that this is the last year the federal government will pony up for an owl crew.
The permanents call the seasonal crews Charlene’s Minions: the ignorant legions that do her bidding. Not that the permanents don’t do her bidding, of course. They just grumble about it.
As Bo goes off to set up the guys’ tent, Nick fills a battered aluminum pot with water from the five-gallon jug, and organizes his supplies as the flames leap up from the burner. Two boxes of macaroni and cheese. A can of tuna. A can of green beans. He checks them carefully, lifts them up and puts them back down, box, box, can, tin pot with water waiting for the flame on the stove to settle down to a nice blue burn.
Nick Unser, from Cheboygan, Michigan, is tall but narrow, with beetle-dark hair that licks and crawls around his scalp and a formality that intimidates the other two. When the summer is over he is going back to East Lansing to finish up his senior year at Michigan State University. He will return the way he came: two days to make the 1540-mile drive to Colorado. His only major stop was in Nebraska, where he parked his Corolla beside a cornfield and slept on the ground. For two days he lived on beef jerky and Coke. This is his way; he didn’t think anything of it. When he told the other two, though, they stared at him like he’d said he rode freight trains out here. Nick is finding this to be a common reaction: he does something he thinks is normal and other people treat him like he’s flown to the moon.
He turns down the flame with a deft hand, then sets the pot above it, opens the cardboard boxes and dumps in the clicking noodles. Instantly the smell of dry noodles wafts across the mesa top; then the smell of dry noodles taking in the boiling water and beginning to plump. He takes out a pocket knife and jabs at each can until he can pry off the lid, then pours the metallic-smelling beans and the salty tuna into the noodles, water and all. He bends back the jagged metal lids into the cans, crams them into one macaroni box and one box into the other, then goes back to scanning the deepening land.
The owler’s camp stove, the five-gallon water jug, their tents, their compasses, even their water bottles are all marked with the letters A-R-G. The Agency for Remnant Ground, they could tell you now. Two weeks before their tongues tangled and they couldn’t quite remember what the letters stood for; after two weeks of training, however, they’ve at least learned the basic fact of Stickleback County: the ARG. Eighty percent of the county is managed by the Department of the Interior via Charlene Van Holt and sixty percent of the workforce belongs to her. Which is why the new and persistent rumor that Congress, via Charlene, intends to sell off ARG land to the highest bidder has the county shaking in its boots.
But as usual, the owlers are unaware. As far as they are concerned, the ARG has always been here and will always be here.
“You got boilage there, Nick-o,” says Bo, coming back around the government Bronco. As he passes its windows he quickly glances at his reflection, adjusting the bandana he’s tied over his hair.
“Working on the Grizzly Adams thing already?” Nick asks.
Bo doesn’t quite hear the sarcasm. “I thought I’d start with hippie, and move up.”
Bo Riggs. He told them on the first day that he was from California; when Penn said she was from Ohio, Bo said he’d lived there, too; apparently he’s also lived in Michigan, although Nick hasn’t been able to pin down where. The guy’s kind of a chameleon, or a poser, or something. But he’s also quick to figure what needs to be done. Nick will give him credit for that, and it’s a big credit. If you’re out in the woods, you’ve got to be able to rely on your crew. Bo set up the tent without being asked and right now all Nick needs to say is, “Dishes?” and Bo is rattling in the cooler, pulling out the aluminum plates that the ARG bought during the Ford administration and polishing them on his shirt.
“Fucking dust,” he says.
“Better get used to it. I think it’s Grizzly Adams’ fifth food group.”
“It’s fucking everywhere. In my very ass crack, dude. Worse than a day at the beach.” He’s set up the plates on the cooler, a stack of plates, a handful of forks, and just before they hear a step coming around the Bronco and Penn appears, he farts. He reddens only slightly and says, “Did I hear one of those flatulated owls?”
“Flammulated owl, Bo,” corrects Penn. “Did you hear one?”
There’s an awkward silence, then Bo says, with only a slight twisted glance at Nick, “Uh, I thought I did.”
“Man, I miss all the best stuff,” Penn says, going to get a plate. “Thanks for the dinner here, Nick.”
Not so sure about this one, thinks Nick. In a crisis, could you rely on her? He decides to be charitable and give her the benefit of the doubt, but also to not maybe place his life in her hands. He smiles at her politely.
STATS: 3% request rate
gypsyscarlett says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query.
Unfortunately, your story is not right for me.
I wish you much luck finding a suitable agent.
Sara Darling says
Dear Author,
Thank you for submitting your query for consideration. However, I’m afraid I cannot ask for a partial. Your story isn’t for me, but do keep trying.
Your query gives me an impression of being a random mix of plot turns and conflict. There’s not enough about the characters and their motivations for me. Maybe you could add more of that in next time. Also, your sample pages gave away the ending almost immediately, which is not something I approve of. I suggest polishing them up some.
Good luck and keep up your search!
Best wishes,
Sara Darling
rantonson17 says
Dear Author,
Thank your for your query. Unfortunately, I am unable to represent your work at this time. However, I do think you have a catchy title, and show great promise.
Best of luck,
Rebekka
Anonymous says
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, I do not feel I am the right agent for your project. I encourage you to query other agents and wish you the best of luck.
Thank you,
Agent C
( I read the writing sample but it didn’t grab me)
TecZ aka Dalton C Teczon - Writer says
Dear Author:
Thank you for your query and for allowing me to consider your work.
While your novel, “Burning Down the Ranch,” sounds exciting, I feel I’m not the right fit for your project. Therefore, I must decline on this project right now. But I do want to encourage you to continue submitting. Just because a project isn’t quite right for me, doesn’t mean the right agent isn’t just around the corner.
I wish you the best of luck with all your writing endeavors and in the querying and submission process. Persistence pays off, so don’t give up!
Best regards,
Dalton C. Teczon – Agent
NotJana says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. However, I’m afraid that at this time I am unable to offer representation for your project.
All the best,
Agent For A Day (Or Two)
Diana says
Dear Query #13:
Thank you for your query, and for being part of my blog community! Unfortunately, this project isn’t right for me.
Best wishes,
Diana
Sharon aka Sapphire says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, I do not feel it is right for me. Remember that my opinion is just one. I urge you to continue to seek out representation with your manuscript.
Best wishes,
Sharon
Side note: I liked what I read, it just wasn’t in my top five. Good luck!
Perle_Rare says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission but this isn’t right for me at this time.
Best wishes,
Perle_Rare
Reason:
– I don’t have a clear sense of the story.
– I personally don’t like when the first line of a book tells me what will happen in the future though the character isn’t supposed to know yet.
H. Zilionis says
Dear Author,
Thank you so much for sending me your query and offering me the chance to consider your work. Unfortunately, I am not the right agent for your project.
Good luck and keep writing!
Holly Z – Agent for a Day
Aimless Writer says
Thanks but no thanks.
Concept is intriging and in our enviormentally concious climate I think you might have a great idea here but the opening pages didn’t grab me.
Just_Me says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. Your novel sounds intriguing but at this time does not suit our list. We wish you the best of luck placing it with another agency.
Sincerely,
Agent
Note: No. Why? Because you couldn’t even name a real species! This could be an excellent book, but you pushed to far into fiction. That’s just… *tries not to go on an ecology rant*
Look, the premise may be awesome. The character could be the next Elizabeth Bennet. But if you are going to pull a real ecological issue into this book get your facts straight.
Flemmily says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, I feel that BURNING DOWN THE RANCH is not a fit for our agency.
Best of luck with your future endeavors,
Flemmily
Maria A says
Thank you for thinking of our agency, but not for us at this moment.
Best of luck,
Agent
Davien says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission, but this is not for me. I wish you luck in finding a home for your manuscript.
All the best,
donnas says
Thank you for your submission but your work is not right for me at this time.
Best of Luck.
Janine says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query, but I am not the right agent for this. Best of luck.
Reason: felt talked down to in the query, and found the voice odd in the sample. But, thought the premise sounded good and the voice thing is totally subjective.
Rebecca Knight says
Dear Burning,
Thank you for your query, and for thinking of my agency. Unfortunately, I feel that I’m not the best fit for your project. This industry is highly subjective, so I’m sure others will feel differently. Best of luck to you in all your endeavors.
Sincerely,
Rebecca Knight
lindsey says
dear author,
thank you for thinking of me for burning down the ranch. i’d like to get a look at the first three chapters of your mauscript.
sincerely,
lindsey
Nora Coon says
Not right for us at this time. Best of luck.
***
I was really torn about this one. I like the premise, and I even got past the present tense in your sample (which is a huge turn-off for me personally, but may not be for others). However, your description of Penn as a “smart, tough” woman seemed at odds with the actual facts we learn about her. Clarification would help, I think – why did she take a nighttime job when she’s afraid of the dark? Give us some examples of her being smart and capable, too.
Vic K says
Thanks for your submission, but it isn’t right for me at this time.
Regards,
Vic K
Reason; The plot didn’t hang together well enough for me.
Alisa says
No, thank you.
Alisa.
Inkblot says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission, but I am passing on it. I wish you the best of luck in placing it elsewhere.
Regards,
Agent Inky
Annie Reynolds says
Dear author
Thank you for taking the time to submit your query to the A.F. A.D. agency. Unfortunately I do not believe your novel is a good fit at this time, but please remember that this is a very subjective industry, so keep trying.
Good luck with your career.
Yours truly,
Annie Reynolds.
Dorothy says
Dear Author:
Thank you for your submission Burning Down the Ranch. I cannot not offer representation for this project.
I am interested in the themes and conflicts you describe. They will make a worthy book. On the other hand, I suspect this manuscript is longer than it needs to be to tell the story.
In addition, I was not clear on the track you have taken in telling the story. Is it a dark tale which ends up justifying violence in favor of the environment? If so, is that mirrored by Penn’s fear of the dark? Is it a moral tale in which the hero pulls back from the abyss just short of the edge? The reader may need to remain in suspense but the agent needs to know.
The pages you included failed to live up to the promise of your query. I was disappointed I began with the knowledge Charlene torched the ranch, though of course the title gives that away too. I wasn’t hooked. Sorry. Other agents may feel differently. I wish you well as you continue to work with this story. I’d like to see you refine it and succeed. I support women who want to change the world.
Sincerely,
Honesty is the Best Policy
aisling says
Dear Author,
I am sorry to inform you that I am not interested in your book. It does not fit with what I am looking for right now so I regret to tell you that, although I appreciated you sending me your query, I would not like to publish your work. Feel free to send me a query for other books you complete. I wish you the best of luck with your writing!
Aisling
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
Your book is interesting and I feel it has some potential, but it’s not for me, thanks for the attempt though.
Sincerely,
Mitsubishi
Asherose says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission, but it isn’t for me at this time. Best of luck with it elsewhere!
Agent
Reasoning: Storyline did not strike me as interesting. The title is good. Comparison to other authors never seems like a good idea to me. Flattery at end unneeded.
drat says
Dear Author,
Thank you for sending me your query. I gave it careful consideration, but ultimately I concluded I’m not the right agent for the book.
Good luck with your manuscript, and query widely!
Thanks,
SDC
Anonymous says
Thank you for your query, though I don’t think I’m interested in taking your story idea. Keep on writing.
-Thanks,
Suzuki Volkeswagon
Anonymous says
Dear writer,
I appreciate the query but your book is not what I am looking for at the moment. However, I wish you luck in getting this book published.
best regards,
Nathaniel Orange
Anonymous says
Dear writer,
I enjoyed your query, but I’m afraid I’m not the right agent to represent this work. I’d love to see more of your writing.
Gloria Valentine
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
I appreciate your time and efforts, but I am sorry to say that I do not wish to represent your story. If you have another story idea, please send it to me in the future, and I would be happy to look at it.
Best Wishes,
Quintus Blackburn
Katalina Marie says
Dear Author,
I’m sorry but I don’t think that this book is the one for me.
Regards,
Katalina Marie
Anonymous says
Dear Writer,
Thanks so much for the query, but this is just not right for us at this time. Feel free to send me any others you might come up with, and best of luck in other endeavors.
AM
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
I am not interested in your novel. Keep writing, your story had potential but was not for me. Feel free to Query me later with another piece of your work.
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
Thank you for the submission, but I regret to inform you that I will not be picking up your story.
Keep Writing,
Agent Jackie Moon
LateInTheGame says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, I am not the best representative for your work.
Good luck in your search for representation.
All the best,
Agent LateInTheGame
Anonymous says
Dear author,
I appreciate your query and found your concept interesting; however, it is just not what I am looking for. I look forward to future queries from you!
Thank you, Scarlett Cyrus
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
I have decided not to take up your offer on publishing this book. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to view your material.
Thank You,
Happy Gilmore
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
I regret to inform you that I am not interested in representing your story. I hope you have better luck in the future.
Best of luck,
Arkham
Reba says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, it is not the right fit for me.
Best,
Reba
Meggrs says
Form rejection–the query didn’t hook me, and I didn’t get a clear sense of the story.
Kate H says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. I’m afraid I’m not the right agent to represent you, but I wish you the best of luck.
Kate H
s.koncilja says
Dear Author,
I received and read your query. Unfortunately it is not something that I’m looking for at the moment.
Keep me informed about your future work and good luck!
Agent S.K.
Shannon says
Dear Author,
Thank you for submitting your query for BURNING DOWN THE RANCH for review. Unfortunately, I am not the right person to represent this story. This is a subjective business so another agent may feel differently. Good luck.
Sincerely,
Shannon
superwench83 says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, your manuscript isn’t right for me. Best wishes in your search for an agent.
Sincerely,
Agent for a Day
publishingcareer says
Dear Author
Thank you for your interest in our agency and submitting your query for your novel Burning Down The Ranch.
I read it with interest but unfortunately it is not what I am looking for.
Best of luck and kind regards.
Yours faithfully
Robert Sullivan AFAD
publishingcareer says
Dear Author
Thank you for your interest in our agency and submitting your query for your novel Burning Down The Ranch.
I read it with interest but unfortunately it is not what I am looking for.
Best of luck and kind regards.
Yours faithfully
Robert Sullivan AFAD
Melissa says
Form rejection:
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately it doesn’t meet my needs at this time.
Thank you and best of luck,
Melissa (Ximera)