IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
There were a king with a large jaw and a queen with a plain face, on the throne of England; there were a king with a large jaw and a queen with a fair face, on the throne of France. In both countries it was clearer than crystal to the lords of the State preserves of loaves and fishes, that things in general were settled for ever.
Humbly… I admire all of you: Writers, for composing some moving, descriptive and in some cases poignant literature; readers, for… well… reading it all; Nathan, for being so completely insane. Still haven’t decided if I’m brave enough to throw myself in front of the train. In the meantime, I’m enjoying all of your work (except for the fact that it’s been pulling me away from my REAL work too often today!). Cam
“ssas” — I’m only 40 minutes away from S.F. I’ll pick up the burboun, dress in cognito and drop it at his office signed from both of us on Wednesday morning.
Poor, poor Nathan. You are a serious masochist. And all of us adore you for it.
But I have an idea to help ease the pain. I call it the Blogging Agent’s Drinking Game. While you’re reading the entries, you take a shot of bourbon every time you see the word “the.” 😀
I’ve now posted to one of your contests for the very first time. I hope your brain can still process text in the English language by the time you get to it.
On the plus side, you pointed me toward the Nothing But Bonfires blog, which is fantastic. I sent a bunch of people the link with a note that said, “Read the January 25 cat story. NOW.”
Don’t worry, Nathan. When you finally succumb to the horror of what you have unleashed and kill yourself, we’ll gladly put all the entries you didn’t get to on disk and place it in the casket with you so you have something to read in the afterlife. I just hope my entry is not the one that sends you over the edge.
It’s getting tough to post over there, the thread is so big. I was unable to get the comments window to come up using IE. I went to Firefox and then, was able to post.
Maybe you should start a new thread for each day, just to keep the size down a bit.
I was hoping for a new thread every 100 entries, but would settle for a new one for each day. The re-fresh time is mind-numbing, and when I do it at the same time someone is posting (which is basically every time) I get glitches and the last 20-30 entries don’t show.
From a different perspective (I’m not entering, as I’m only in the plotting stages), this contest really helps communicate why it is so important to catch an agent’s attention in the first sentence. I read the entries yesterday when there were only thirty or so, and was surprised by how quickly I gave up on those that didn’t have a good hook, because I knew I had so many more to read. The ones with good hooks got more attention, but still, if they lost my interest at all I skipped to the next entry. Those that I couldn’t stop reading will be useful to analyze, to find out what about them kept my interest.
So Nathan, thank you for creating this contest- you’re providing a great learning experience for all of us. Really. Hopefully that will help keep morale at least above “Mainlining bourbon”.
1. Lost your mind 2. Been taking waaayyy too much cough syrup 3. Chomping on psychedelic mushrooms 4. Huffing Redi-Whip cans 5. Knocking back shots of JD whenever George Bush did something stupid 6. Lost your mind
I decided to be nice and only include 349 words instead of the maximum 500. Hopefully you can spend that time you would have been reading those 151 words convincing yourself that maybe you don’t need that last shot of bourbon.
I could have entered, but I refrained solely for the sake of Nathan’s mental and emotional health. AND I voted for the elevator pitch because I thought a first page critique was suicidal. Do I get a prize for being so considerate?
I’ll echo Amy’s comment: after sifting through maybe 30 entries, my eyes glazed over. (I also had the unresistable urge to pick up a red pen.) No wonder it’s so hard to climb out of the slush pile.
Good luck, Nathan. Remember to throw the occasional cube into the Maker’s Mark to stay hydrated.
That thread hurts my eyes… and you have a day left for entries…
Somebody bring him a case of scotch.. and really, you should call in sick in Thursday, because Wednesday’s gonna be a loooong night.
I think I’ll wait until he posts the finalists to even comment on any of them, the ones I read were really good, it’s just I went blind trying to read them…
This contest helps me understand the agent life a little better, I think.
I quickly found myself reading only the first sentence or two, and if those didn’t grab me, I skipped to the next entry. Thing is, the ones that didn’t grab me, it’s not because they were bad. They just weren’t my thing. Maybe it was voice, or genre, or present tense (which can be effective, but I don’t particularly care for it).
So, I understand. When going through the slush pile, agents have to make quick decisions, and any number of things can make them reach for the rejection slip pile, even if the piece is well written.
I’m going to follow Josephine Damian’s lead and read through every entry. However, I’m also going to comment on every single one and post my one-paragraph opinion on my blog. So for those of you who don’t make the cut, I’ll at least give you a layman’s opinion of your opening.
That is one long thread. I pasted my small effort up early this morning (always sleep before last edit!) and about 20 have been put up in the last few hours. Wow.
I’m going to have to go through and take back everything bad I said about Nathan. This is Herculean.
We love you – for doing this kind of stuff, for taking up Miss Snark’s slack (no degradation to The Snarky One intended), and for being so damn *funny*!!
stiflersmom says
Maker’s Mark. Maker’s Mark. Maker’s Mark.
r.c. says
Impressive graphics! 8-9 hours in and you have 150 entries. 48 hours to go – wow, that meter is going to dive.
Laurel Amberdine says
So…
What do we win when you surrender? 🙂
I haven’t promoted this contest any yet. I just can’t bring myself to do it. You poor thing!
Chumplet says
You should have it going upwards and then burst at the top when you reach emergency room status.
Chro says
Let’s see, 164 comments, 500 words each… hey, it’s only 82,000 words! Just think of it as reading a book… that keeps restarting.
CarBeyond says
Whoa! Looks like you’re even getting first pages here too! (Yikes!!)
I have to say, I read so many that looked promising, intriguing, well written.
I also wonder how you stay fresh, entry after entry?
(Suggesting Orange Juice with that bourbon 😀 !)
Chuck Dickens says
IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
There were a king with a large jaw and a queen with a plain face, on the throne of England; there were a king with a large jaw and a queen with a fair face, on the throne of France. In both countries it was clearer than crystal to the lords of the State preserves of loaves and fishes, that things in general were settled for ever.
Ernest Lee Luning says
My question is very personal, how do you do it? How do you, how do you keep upbeat and so wonderful?
Liz says
I have to say, I’m quite shocked at how many use profanity in the first page.
Keep up that morale Nathan! Just under 48 hours to go!
burgy61 says
And you thought you knew what you were getting into,HA. I guess I better get mine in before you up the deadline.
sex scenes at starbucks says
Not quite to second thought, yet, eh? I really think we should send him some bourbon. Who’s with me??
Cam says
Humbly… I admire all of you: Writers, for composing some moving, descriptive and in some cases poignant literature; readers, for… well… reading it all; Nathan, for being so completely insane. Still haven’t decided if I’m brave enough to throw myself in front of the train. In the meantime, I’m enjoying all of your work (except for the fact that it’s been pulling me away from my REAL work too often today!).
Cam
Cam says
“ssas” — I’m only 40 minutes away from S.F. I’ll pick up the burboun, dress in cognito and drop it at his office signed from both of us on Wednesday morning.
Nathan Bransford says
Please remember to enter in the contest thread!
And sorry Chuck Dickens, not commercial enough.
Thanks to everyone for the well wishes! Wednesday night… well, I guess I wasn’t planning on going out anyway.
mardott says
You do know you’re crazy? It’s probably harmless.
But you are crazy.
Good luck!
Adaora A. says
Nice.
Look at you using a grid very impressive (for a fellow who says he isn’t very good at anything math related).
Is Wednesday the day to go ut in SF? Hmmm. Wednesday is my only day off in the week between work and school to sleep and or get my hair done!
Sleep well Nathan!
Miss Sharp says
How strict are you on that 500-word limit? Just curious. It seems there were some mighty looong first pages!
Emily says
Poor, poor Nathan. You are a serious masochist. And all of us adore you for it.
But I have an idea to help ease the pain. I call it the Blogging Agent’s Drinking Game. While you’re reading the entries, you take a shot of bourbon every time you see the word “the.” 😀
Julie Weathers says
Well, I have posted, but it did leave me with more than a twinge of guilt.
I’m convinced it is very hard to write a compelling first page without action. It will be interesting to see how this goes.
JW
J.K. Mahal says
Wow. I’m almost sorry I added to your miseries by posting my first page. Almost.
You’re a brave soul, Mr. Bransford, for taking all of us on.
Thank you
Diana says
I’ve now posted to one of your contests for the very first time. I hope your brain can still process text in the English language by the time you get to it.
On the plus side, you pointed me toward the Nothing But Bonfires blog, which is fantastic. I sent a bunch of people the link with a note that said, “Read the January 25 cat story. NOW.”
Allen B. Ogey says
Tragedy in the City
by A.B.O.
It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang out! The blogging literary agent had killed himself. And no one knew who won the contest.
The End
(As long as I credit Snoopy for the first two lines its not plagiarism, right?)
~grace~ says
you can disregard my entry if it would make your life any bit easier. seriously, I don’t mind.
leesmiley says
Don’t worry, Nathan. When you finally succumb to the horror of what you have unleashed and kill yourself, we’ll gladly put all the entries you didn’t get to on disk and place it in the casket with you so you have something to read in the afterlife. I just hope my entry is not the one that sends you over the edge.
jjdebenedictis says
Bourbon is golden
Nathan is blue
Those hundred billion entries
Mean we love you
But writers are legion
And a mite dangerous
Your brain could explode
Before you satisfy us
So take it in small steps
(And take small sips too)
With Holly to help out
You’ll somehow make it through
And remember your mantra
As your brain turns to mush:
“There might be a great book
buried in all this slush!”
Jennifer Hendren says
Aww, you poor dude. Keep smiling and make sure your glass is full. (g) You can do it.
Anonymous says
It’s getting tough to post over there, the thread is so big. I was unable to get the comments window to come up using IE. I went to Firefox and then, was able to post.
Maybe you should start a new thread for each day, just to keep the size down a bit.
Just trying to be helpful….
Luc2 says
LOL, the morale meter is funny.
Good luck, Nathan, Holly and all contestants.
Polenth says
Do the tears start at ‘Remorse. Lots of Remorse’?
JKB says
LOL. I’m sending you weizen beer from Germany, you poor thing.
What *have* you gotten yourself into??
Josephine Damian says
Anon: 11:08
I was hoping for a new thread every 100 entries, but would settle for a new one for each day. The re-fresh time is mind-numbing, and when I do it at the same time someone is posting (which is basically every time) I get glitches and the last 20-30 entries don’t show.
Amy says
From a different perspective (I’m not entering, as I’m only in the plotting stages), this contest really helps communicate why it is so important to catch an agent’s attention in the first sentence. I read the entries yesterday when there were only thirty or so, and was surprised by how quickly I gave up on those that didn’t have a good hook, because I knew I had so many more to read. The ones with good hooks got more attention, but still, if they lost my interest at all I skipped to the next entry. Those that I couldn’t stop reading will be useful to analyze, to find out what about them kept my interest.
So Nathan, thank you for creating this contest- you’re providing a great learning experience for all of us. Really. Hopefully that will help keep morale at least above “Mainlining bourbon”.
Josephine Damian says
JJ: Good one!
“Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.” Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 BC)
And, I must add, everyone is posting their first page here in Nathan’s contest!
Funny (or not) how thousands of years later, things haven’t changed a bit.
Aimless Writer says
I think you’re in the running with Jessica Faust for sainthood.
Glad you’re having fun! lol
Josh says
Getting close to 250
Mark Terry says
Yeah, well, I did wonder if you had:
1. Lost your mind
2. Been taking waaayyy too much cough syrup
3. Chomping on psychedelic mushrooms
4. Huffing Redi-Whip cans
5. Knocking back shots of JD whenever George Bush did something stupid
6. Lost your mind
Mark Terry says
Jeez, Chuck!
Make up your mind. Is it the best of times? Or is it the worst of times? You can’t have it both ways.
Adaora A. says
Josephine I’ve got to add that quote to my blog.
sex scenes at starbucks says
How about if you take a drink every time you see past progressive usage?
Taylor says
I decided to be nice and only include 349 words instead of the maximum 500. Hopefully you can spend that time you would have been reading those 151 words convincing yourself that maybe you don’t need that last shot of bourbon.
Ello says
I could have entered, but I refrained solely for the sake of Nathan’s mental and emotional health. AND I voted for the elevator pitch because I thought a first page critique was suicidal. Do I get a prize for being so considerate?
ilyakogan says
Nathan knows what he is doing.
Miss Snark’s blog didn’t explode in popularity till her first Crapometer contest.
It’s a marketing strategy whether his conscious about it or not. 🙂
benwah says
I’ll echo Amy’s comment: after sifting through maybe 30 entries, my eyes glazed over. (I also had the unresistable urge to pick up a red pen.) No wonder it’s so hard to climb out of the slush pile.
Good luck, Nathan. Remember to throw the occasional cube into the Maker’s Mark to stay hydrated.
Josephine Damian says
Adaora A.: I have an entire blog dedicated to quotes about writers and the writing life.
https://quoteitwrite.blogspot.com
Colorado Writer says
250 entries is nothing. !
Merry Monteleone says
That thread hurts my eyes… and you have a day left for entries…
Somebody bring him a case of scotch.. and really, you should call in sick in Thursday, because Wednesday’s gonna be a loooong night.
I think I’ll wait until he posts the finalists to even comment on any of them, the ones I read were really good, it’s just I went blind trying to read them…
Scott says
This contest helps me understand the agent life a little better, I think.
I quickly found myself reading only the first sentence or two, and if those didn’t grab me, I skipped to the next entry. Thing is, the ones that didn’t grab me, it’s not because they were bad. They just weren’t my thing. Maybe it was voice, or genre, or present tense (which can be effective, but I don’t particularly care for it).
So, I understand. When going through the slush pile, agents have to make quick decisions, and any number of things can make them reach for the rejection slip pile, even if the piece is well written.
Chro says
I’m going to follow Josephine Damian’s lead and read through every entry. However, I’m also going to comment on every single one and post my one-paragraph opinion on my blog. So for those of you who don’t make the cut, I’ll at least give you a layman’s opinion of your opening.
My blog is at https://scribejourney.blogspot.com/ for those interested.
And yes, I hate myself for being just as masochistic as Nathan is.
Erik says
That is one long thread. I pasted my small effort up early this morning (always sleep before last edit!) and about 20 have been put up in the last few hours. Wow.
I’m going to have to go through and take back everything bad I said about Nathan. This is Herculean.
Anonymous says
Nathan!
We love you – for doing this kind of stuff, for taking up Miss Snark’s slack (no degradation to The Snarky One intended), and for being so damn *funny*!!
You make my day. 🙂
Good luck!
J.F.