“Eleven and up” isn’t a genre (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to cleauthor, whose query is below.

Dear (agent)

I am reaching out to you for representation because you have a background in litigation. And because you love the outdoors. I think you will find my debut novel of interest with its unique judicial system. It also has an unreliable rooster as an aside (he should make friends with the Cranky Chicken).

Kili Kisomio seems like a normal, mischievous 10-year-old farm girl living on a tropical island hidden from the cutting-edge, post-apocalyptic world—until the voice of an ancestor calls her to a sacred quest in a language she doesn’t understand. That night, while sneaking out in search of the interpretation, an accident leaves her face permanently scarred—but in the morning, she’s compelled to deny her calling. Keeping her secret would mean living a lie, while telling could mean expulsion from her society, a thriving commonwealth bound by oath. Kili must learn to overcome her fears and accept her heroic destiny, or else shoulder the blood of her people—forever.

KILI KISOMIO AND THE SECRETS OF MILIVEA is an 80,000 word dystopian twist for ages eleven and up. It is THE GIVER meets ELLA ENCHANTED and will appeal to readers of Davina Bell’s THE END OF THE WAR IS BIGGER THAN LOVE. It stands alone as a tale of self-acceptance, but also sets the stage for a series with subsequent titles KILI KISOMIO AND THE IMMORTAL and KILI KISOMIO AND THE WAR.

I first conceived Kili’s story at age eleven when my sixth-grade teacher declared that a true utopia could never exist. I have since lived on a tropical island, and now live in the heart of Southern Utah working with young adults as a music teacher.

Thank you for your consideration.

I love a good hidden island story as much as the next person, but there just isn’t enough information packed into this query to give a sense of what’s actually happening in the story, and thus, what sets this novel apart from the others.

What is the quest? What’s the secret? What are the obstacles? What’s at stake?

The plot specifics aren’t clear enough. There also isn’t much in the way of voice and/or personality woven in to give a sense of what Kili is like as a character and what it might feel like to read the novel.

Don’t worry about spoilers and be very specific about what happens in the novel. Give us a sense of what happens if the character succeeds or fails so we understand what matters to the character.

Lastly, much as my recent post about avoiding telling an agent your novel has crossover potential, it’s important to know your genre, and “eleven and up” just isn’t a genre or category. (Based on the comps, it seems like this is middle grade).

It seems like there’s an interesting world here, but it needs to make its way into the plot description. Here’s my redline:

Dear (agent)

I am reaching out to you for representation because you have a background in litigation. And because you love the outdoors. I think you will find my debut novel of interest with its unique judicial system. It also has an unreliable rooster as an aside (he should make friends with the Cranky Chicken).

Kili Kisomio seems like a normal, mischievous 10-year-old farm girl living on a tropical island hidden from the cutting-edge, post-apocalyptic world [Struggling to imagine a world that’s both post-apocalyptic and “cutting edge”] —until When the voice of an ancestor calls her to a sacred quest [Describe the voice and the quest more vividly] in a language she doesn’t understand. That night, while, she sneaking sneaks out in search of the interpretation [Be more specific], but an accident [Be more specific what happens] leaves her face permanently scarred—but i. In the morning [I’m confused, wouldn’t her face be bloody vs. scarred in the morning?], she’s compelled to deny her calling [I don’t understand what’s happening here]. Keeping her secret [Too vague] would mean living a lie [What lie?], while telling could mean expulsion from her society, a thriving commonwealth bound by oath [Struggling to visualize her world]. Kili must learn to overcome her fears and accept her heroic destiny, or else shoulder the blood of her people—forever. [Too vague to make the contours of the story clear]

KILI KISOMIO AND THE SECRETS OF MILIVEA is an 80,000 word dystopian twist for ages eleven and up middle grade novel [“Eleven and up” isn’t a genre]. It is THE GIVER meets ELLA ENCHANTED and will appeal to readers of Davina Bell’s THE END OF THE WAR IS BIGGER THAN LOVE. It stands alone as a tale of self-acceptance, but also sets the stage for a series with subsequent titles KILI KISOMIO AND THE IMMORTAL and KILI KISOMIO AND THE WAR.

I first conceived Kili’s story at age eleven when my sixth-grade teacher declared that a true utopia could never exist. I have since lived on a tropical island, and now live in the heart of Southern Utah working with young adults as a music teacher.

Thank you for your consideration.

Thanks again to cleauthor!

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Art: Seals on the Rocks Farallon Islands by Albert Bierstadt