Let scenes unfold (page critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in our discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

If you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Tish, whose page is below:

Certain Dark Things

7th Century BC

When the past finally caught up with him, the speed with which it happened was measured in a scant space of seconds. He’d spent the years of his son’s young life fearing this moment, keeping them on the move in the hopes of outrunning divine retribution, only to be forced in the end to watch his son’s life unwind in a meager handful of heartbeats.

When his brothers came for Dumuzid, Eliel knew it the instant before he saw them, felt the shimmer of their presence touch his consciousness, sensed the static charge vibrating across his skin. And he knew why they had come.

He dropped his nets and was in motion before his thoughts could fully coalesce. Climbing from the water, Eliel ran for his son, who stood farther up on the beach. Muzi stood surrounded and unaware of the danger he was in, guileless and smiling in welcome at the strangers that looked so like his father. Eliel sprinted toward them, his feet barely touching the sand. His only thought a frantic prayer.

Oh no, please no, no…

One of them stood behind Muzi as another two took his arms, and Eliel saw his son’s expression change, the smile fading, eyes scrunching in confusion. Eliel saw his brother’s pull Muzi’s chin up and hold it with one hand, pressing the tip of a knife to his neck with the other. His expression smugly satisfied in the knowledge that Eliel could not stop him in time and that Eliel knew it, too.

Eliel screamed Muzi’s name as the knife snicked across the boy’s throat, his arms reaching out only a hands-breadth too short to stop it, a fraction of one interminable, hopeless second too late. At once, they released him and Dumuzid clutched at his neck as the incision began to yawn, his eyes and mouth wide, blood spraying across Eliel’s face and chest, blinding him.

This starts in a dramatic–if pretty lurid–way, but this is a classic example of letting an opening cement in your mind for so long that you lose sight of what is and isn’t on the page.

Where are we entirely? Who arrives? Who is doing what and why? Eliel doesn’t even seem to know his own brothers’ names?

We start off with a nominal pre-summary of what’s happening, instead of simply watching the scene unfold. But even though we have nominal priming information in that paragraph, it’s so vague (“outrunning divine retribution” — what does that actually mean in the context of this novel?) that it’s hard to make sense of.

It’s not even clear who the “him” is in the opening paragraph. We’re not cleanly anchored to a character, and “When his brothers came for Dumuzid, Eliel…” doesn’t really clarify that Eliel is the POV character.

Why is so much held back from the reader? Is it really necessary for Dumuzid/Muzi to have two different names?

Slow down. Set the scene. Help us understand where we are, who’s anchoring us in the POV, and what they need to do in this scene. When new characters arrive, contextualize who they are from the vantage point of the POV character.

Remember that readers are starting in a dark empty room and only know what you tell them. The details really, really matter, particularly in the beginning, so they can begin to flesh out the world of your novel. Dramatic moments won’t land with much power if we can’t visualize the scene and don’t have enough information to understand what’s happening.

Here’s my redline:

Certain Dark Things

7th Century BC

When the past finally caught up with him, the speed with which it happened was measured in a scant space of seconds. He’d spent the years of his son’s young life fearing this moment, keeping them on the move in the hopes of outrunning divine retribution, only to be forced in the end to watch his son’s life unwind in a meager handful of heartbeats. [Why are we starting off with an extremely vague pre-summary of what’s about to happen? Who is “him?” Where are we entirely?]

When his brothers came for his son Dumuzid, Eliel knew it the instant before he saw them [just show this, again pre-summarizing], felt the shimmer of their presence touch his consciousness, sensed the static charge vibrating across his skin. And he knew why they had come. [But the reader isn’t “allowed” to know?]

He dropped his nets and was in motion [We know he’s in motion, you told us he dropped his nets.] before his thoughts could fully coalesce. Climbing He climbed from the water, Eliel and ran for his son Muzi [It took me a while to realize Dumuzid and Muzi are the same person], who stood farther up on the beach. Muzi stood surrounded and unaware of the danger he was in, guileless and smiling in welcome at the strangers that looked so like his father. Eliel sprinted toward them [Who is “them?” We don’t have enough information to visualize], his feet barely touching the sand. His only thought a frantic prayer.

Oh no, please no, no…

One of them [“one of them?” Eliel doesn’t recognize his own brothers?] [NAME] stood behind Muzi as another two [NAME AND NAME] took his arms, and Eliel saw [In a third person limited narrative it’s clear that if we’re seeing it, the POV character saw it and it doesn’t need to be mentioned] his son’s expression change, the smile fading, eyes scrunching faded in confusion. Eliel saw his brother’s [NAME] pulled Muzi’s chin up and hold held it with one hand, pressing the tip of a knife to his neck with the other. His expression smugly satisfied in the knowledge that Eliel could not stop him in time and that Eliel knew it, too.

Eliel screamed Muzi’s name as. tThe knife snicked across the boy’s throat, his arms reaching. Eliel reached out only, a hands-breadth too short to stop it, a fraction of one interminable, hopeless second too late [Clunky sentence, read the original out loud]. At once, tThey released him Muzi and Dumuzid he clutched at his neck as the incision began to yawn, his eyes and mouth wide, blood spraying across blinding Eliel’s face and chest, blinding him.

Thanks again to Tish!

Need help with your book? I’m available for manuscript edits, query critiques, and coaching!

For my best advice, check out my online classes, my guide to writing a novel and my guide to publishing a book.

And if you like this post: subscribe to my newsletter!

Art: Fishermen pulling nets at the seaside by Jean-Baptiste Pillement