Don’t tell an agent your novel has crossover appeal (query critique)

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• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to HHamer, whose query is below.

In CHILDREN OF SHADOWS, there is an ancient light power, left by Neolithic mystics, who foresaw the day alien shadow spirits would land on Earth. The shadows wipe out the majority of life, technology, erase memories and take all children as hosts.

(Personalized bit) So, I thought you’d enjoy my 112,000 word speculative novel.

When Christopher, fourteen, is gifted with light power, he knows he must use it to destroy the shadow spirits, but he is pushed down a hill by the girl who gave him the light. Christopher’s father awakes in his car from a dream of Christopher in the field, but he does not see his face. With no memory of life before the dead silence around him, the desire to find the one in his dreams and a potential family drives him on to find his son.

In order to save as many children as possible from an unknown fate, they must travel a post-apocalyptic South East England to the crater where the shadows landed. When they reach the alien pod, and Christopher confronts the girl who pushed him; she turns out to be his sister, who ran away from home the day the shadows came and found the light in an ancient cave before passing it onto him. After a dream battle, she sacrifices herself to destroy the pod. Christopher absorbs her memories from the time before the pod landed, but he also absorbs her shadow. Now he must advance on a longer quest across the country for a mystical cure to free himself of an increasing darkness inside, or let it take over and give in to its impulses.

A sequel to this novel and multiple spin-offs do exist in my mind, but it can stand alone; the book is in three parts which serve in a way like a trilogy of their own. Though the main character of the novel is a teenager, I believe it will appeal to both YA and adult audiences, similar to Phillip Pullman’s His Dark Materials universe. I’m a 21-year-old English author of 22 self-published books that I began when I was twelve. This novel is the first based in places I’ve lived or visited in England, places with meaning to me. I also write on Substack (https://harveyhamer.substack.com), chronicling my writing journey, weekly roundups, and serialising the start of this story as a novella.

Thank you for your time,

There’s a lot going on here. While some of the details of this story feel imaginative and there seems to be interesting things going on, this plot description kind of spills out in a jumbled, confusing rush of information. I almost felt like I needed to take a nap after reading it.

The plot description feels like it loses sight of what is and isn’t on the page and what we have context to understand (e.g. what is “light power” in the world of this novel? What are “shadow spirits” and what do they want?), the events are described in a scattered way, and there are confusing perspective leaps instead of grounding us in a cohesive, consistent POV. I don’t understand what the characters need to do and what’s ultimately at stake.

Jog yourself to see this from the perspective of someone who’s unfamiliar with the world of the novel. Adopt a cohesive perspective. Help us understand what the characters are trying to do and what happens if they succeed or fail. Don’t worry about spoilers and be very specific about what they need to do and why.

Also, I see quite a few queries like this one where authors tout the potential for their novel to cross over beyond their genre. This is not the selling point that you might think it is. Novels that end up crossing over do so for the simple fact that they are wildly popular among their initial readers, those readers then evangelize to readers who don’t normally read books like those, and it catches fire in a broader way. It’s not because the books were intentionally written to “cross over.”

It’s similar to touting a novel’s potential for a film adaptation. Yeah. Sure. Nearly every novelist in the world wants that for their book. It’s a nice to have, not something that can be predicted and advertised in advance.

Just know your genre, write and pitch it well, and let the agent judge its market potential.

Here’s my redline:

In CHILDREN OF SHADOWS, there is an ancient light power, left by Neolithic mystics, who foresaw the day alien shadow spirits would land on Earth. The shadows wipe out the majority of life, technology, erase memories and take all children as hosts. [This more like a vaguely described premise than an effective, specific one sentence pitch that centers the novel on a/the protagonist(s) and what they must do]

(Personalized bit) [Lead with the personalization] So, I thought you’d enjoy my 112,000 word speculative novel.

When Christopher, fourteen, is gifted with receives light power, [INSERT CONTEXT], from [WHO HE RECEIVES IT FROM]. [Vague and passive. How does he receive it? What is it?], he knows he must use it to destroy the shadow spirits, [INSERT CONTEXT], but he is pushed down a hill by the girl who gave him the light.

¶Christopher’s father awakes in his car from a dream of Christopher in his car [SPECIFICALLY WHERE] in the field [Really confusing leap over to Christopher’s father’s POV], but he does not see his face [In the dream? I don’t understand]. With no memory of He can’t remember his life before the dead silence around him, the desire to find the one in his dreams and a potential family but feels driven drives him on to find his son. [Extremely confusing sentence, read the original out loud]

In order to save as many children as possible from an unknown fate [Be more specific. Why are the stakes so muddled? How do they know children must be saved? Is this vague just to avoid a spoiler? Don’t worry about that], they [Who is “they?”] must travel a post-apocalyptic South East England to the crater where the shadows landed. When they reach the alien pod, and Christopher [Where did he come from?] confronts the girl who pushed him; s. She turns out to be his sister, who ran away from home the day the shadows came and found the light in an ancient cave before passing it onto him. After a dream battle [A what?], she sacrifices herself to destroy the pod [Be more specific about what she does and why]. Christopher absorbs her memories from the time before the pod landed, but he also absorbs her shadow [I don’t understand what this means]. Now he must advance on a longer quest across the country [Vague] for a mystical cure to free himself of an increasing darkness inside [Vague], or let it take over and give in to its impulses. [I don’t understand what this means]

A sequel to this novel and multiple spin-offs do exist in my mind, but it canCHILDREN OF SHADOWS stands alone; the book is in three parts which serve in a way like a trilogy of their own but I have ideas for a series. It will appeal to readers of [BETTER COMPS]. Though the main character of the novel is a teenager, I believe it will appeal to both YA and adult audiences, similar to Phillip Pullman’s His Dark Materials universe. I’m a 21-year-old English author of 22 self-published books that I began when I was twelve [I’m not sure I’d advertise you have self-published books written when you were 12]. This novel is the first based in places I’ve lived or visited in England, places with meaning to me. I also write on Substack (https://harveyhamer.substack.com) [Include links after your signature], chronicling my writing journey, weekly roundups, and serialising the start of this story as a novella [I wouldn’t do this, as it can complicate your publishing journey. In any case, I’d cross this bridge with the agent when you get there, as it’s an additional complication beyond the 22 self-published books].

Thank you for your time,

Thanks again to HHamer!

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Art: Dover by Richard Wilson