Avoid catch-all terms (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to rjprest, whose query is below.

Dear [agent],

A man faking amnesia is snared in a crackbrained scheme to save a Yorkshire café, where he must learn to forgive himself or risk blowing his second shot at love and life.

Welcome to the Headingley Lane Coffee House, where things are about to get a little out of hand and bankruptcy forever looms on the horizon. Madison is faking amnesia to escape his dead-end life, but gets stuck serving cappuccinos after losing all his money in a pub brawl. After the owner drops dead in the back room, Madison is swept up in an uneasy conspiracy to keep the bank at bay. With an American chain threatening to put the coffee house out of business, a loan shark itching to break someone’s tibia, and the spark of unexpected romance poised to upend his secrets, Madison must find the courage to take responsibility for his past so that he can commit to a better future.

HEADINGLEY LANE COFFEE HOUSE, my upmarket debut, bridges the ‘small is beautiful’ sentiment of Libby Page’s MORNINGS WITH ROSEMARY or Freya Sampson’s THE LAST CHANCE LIBRARY with the humor and redemption of Frederik Backman’s ANXIOUS PEOPLE. The 80,000-word novel’s uplifting narrative and satirical exposé of coffee culture may appeal to book clubs, while the setting in small town Yorkshire during the 2009 Great Recession provides an arm’s length mirror for today’s readers to laugh through uncertain times.

As a Canadian writer, my interest in Headingley began while studying at the University of Leeds, where I learned that the village once held an oak tree so large the Vikings named the entire district Skyrack in its honor. I have published short fiction and non-fiction in publications such as The Globe and Mail, Canada’s national newspaper, and the North Shore Writers’ Association Anthology, which included my prize-winning short story, A QUOTA OF CONVERSATION.

I have attached a brief synopsis and an excerpt from HEADINGLEY LANE COFFEE HOUSE, which I have submitted to a select number of agents. A completed manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my novel.

Yours sincerely

This query feels so close and yet so far. I really liked the opening of the one sentence pitch (“crackbrained” is a great word choice), but then it descends into vagueness rather than making the plot and love interest more vivid and tangible.

Similarly, the broader plot description gives me a relatively clear sense of what happens and where the novel goes, which is good, but I want more words like “crackbrained.” There’s not much in the way of intrigue or specificity, and it’s not clear enough why Madison is doing what he’s doing and what’s ultimately at stake. What happens if he succeeds? What happens if he fails? What’s the true choice he’s facing in the end? I’m not grasping the potential rewards and consequences.

For instance, take a phrase like “escape his dead-end life.” That can mean almost anything. Does he just have a boring job? Is he living in a tent by the river? Is he a criminal?

Replace “dead-end life” with “inane desk job” or “volume 11 girlfriend” or “cherry cola stained couch” or whatever he’s actually trying to escape, and we’ll have a much more individualized image. When you take every catch-all and replace it with how it specifically manifests itself in this story, you’ll have a much more colorful query.

Don’t just tell us the vague catch-all term, tell us what specifically about Madison’s life led you to summarize it as “dead-end.” And in the end, the vaguely described plot to save the cafe and vaguely described love interest sort of just drop in his lap, and he has to do, well, something about those things.

Every word counts. So make more of them like crackbrained.

Here’s my redline:

Dear [agent],

[Insert personalized tidbit about the agent to show that you researched them individually]

A man faking amnesia is snared in a crackbrained [Good word choice] scheme to save a Yorkshire café, where he must learn to forgive himself [Missed opportunity to be more specific] or risk blowing his second shot at love and life [Missed opportunity to be more specific. Loglines are optional, but if you’re going to include one it really needs to pop].

Welcome to the Headingley Lane Coffee House, where things are about to get a little out of hand [Why pre-summarize this?] and bankruptcy forever looms on the [INSERT SOMETHING VIVID] horizon. Madison is faking amnesia to escape his dead-end life [Missed opportunity to be more vivid/specific. What exactly was dead-end about it?], but he loses all his money in a pub brawl and gets stuck serving cappuccinos [BE MORE VIVID] after losing all his money in a pub brawl [Err on the side of chronological order].

¶After the owner drops dead in the back room, Madison is swept up in an uneasy conspiracy [Why is this passive voice and vague? How exactly does this come about? Why is he doing this?] to keep the bank at bay. With an American chain threatening to put the coffee house out of business, a loan shark itching to break someone’s tibia, and the spark of unexpected romance [Missed opportunity to be more vivid/specific] poised to upend his secrets [Missed opportunity to be more specific–and don’t worry about spoilers], Madison must find the courage to take responsibility for his past [What does he literally have to “take responsibility” for?] so that he can commit to a better future. [Flat and vague. The stakes aren’t made tangible. What happens if he succeeds or fails? What’s the real choice he’s facing? What “better future” is he committing to?]

HEADINGLEY LANE COFFEE HOUSE, my 80,000 word upmarket debut, bridges the ‘small is beautiful’ sentiment of Libby Page’s MORNINGS WITH ROSEMARY or and Freya Sampson’s THE LAST CHANCE LIBRARY with the humor and redemption of Frederik Backman’s ANXIOUS PEOPLE. [Good use of comps] The 80,000-word novel’s uplifting narrative and satirical exposé of coffee culture may appeal to book clubs, while the setting in small town Yorkshire during the 2009 Great Recession provides an arm’s length mirror for today’s readers to laugh through uncertain times. [Clunky/jumbled. Let the agent be the judge of the market]

As a Canadian writer, my interest in Headingley began while studying at the University of Leeds, where I learned that the village once held an oak tree so large the Vikings named the entire district Skyrack in its honor. I have published short fiction and non-fiction in publications such as The Globe and Mail, Canada’s national newspaper, and the North Shore Writers’ Association Anthology, which included my prize-winning short story, A QUOTA OF CONVERSATION.

I have attached a brief synopsis and an excerpt from HEADINGLEY LANE COFFEE HOUSE [Only do this if an agent specifically asks for it], which I have submitted to a select number of agents [Agents expect you’re going to submit widely and this isn’t a selling point]. A completed manuscript is available upon request. [Goes without saying]

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my novel.

Yours sincerely

Thanks again to rjprest!

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Art: A Yorkshire Road by John Glover