Careful with teenage petulance (query critique)

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• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to comonson, whose query is below.

Dear Agent;

Kade Maddox’s fifteenth birthday sucks. However, one good thing comes out of it: the brave yet obedient teen is allowed to leave home for the first time. Actually, he’s ordered by his mother. She wants Kade to take his two younger (twin) siblings to a cabin high in the mountains. She gives no other reason but “to protect them from AIB” — a clandestine agency who wants to use the children to start a war.

Strange misfortunes befall Kade while leaving his secluded Appalachian compound. He accidently discovers he has electrokinetic abilities; unmarked helicopters spray a red mist over the cabin; and he begins to question…well…everything. But when he witnesses his mother’s death and is shot by a deranged hunter, Kade becomes lost. Not knowing what to do, he submits to his recently-resurrected older brother Grayson’s wishes and takes the twins to a small town outside Savannah, Georgia.

While laying-low in Magnolia, Kade works hard to fit-in with the townies and appease Grayson. He attends high school for the first time, makes a couple of friends, and trains to defend his family. He also learns that he and his siblings are genetically-modified beings, trained since birth to become super-soldiers for the U.S. government. But when Kade attracts the attention of prominent locals, he must make a choice: break his promise to his mother or stay even if it put his siblings at risk. If Kade comes to terms with the monster inside, he may stand a chance at controlling his own fate and saving his family. If not, more than just their lives are in danger.

EXTRAORDINARY TALENTS is a 76,000-word, YA SFF/ thriller. I believe it will appeal to fans of Flawed by Cecelia Ahem and The Dysasters by P.C. Cast & Kristen Cast. I am a member of SCBWI and former children’s bookseller.

Thank you for your time.

It feels like there’s an interesting plot underneath this query and it’s one of those that’s written in a way that reads reasonably smoothly, but I still came away with very little sense of the actual story beyond “government secretly genetically modifies children to be super-soldiers,” which is one of the most common tropes in YA fiction. That’s not necessarily a dealbreaker in and of itself, but when we’re not getting a sense of anything specific about this particular story beyond a southern setting, it’s not going to give the agent much of a sense that this novel is going to stand apart from the others.

In particular, Kade cuts a really flat presence throughout the query. We’re just petulantly told his birthday “sucks” without any details (a lousy first impression of our protagonist), and he spends the rest of the query seeming to just follow orders, first from his mother and then his brother. There’s not much voice here to give a sense of a unique personality at the heart of the story.

This is compounded by a plot description that’s super vague coming and going, which left me confused about what power Kade possesses, what he’s up against, the choices he’s facing, and what’s ultimately at stake.

Don’t worry about spoilers in a query letter and be much clearer about the obstacles the character faces and what happens if they succeed or fail.

Here’s my redline:

Dear Agent;

[INSERT PERSONALIZED TIDBIT ABOUT THE AGENT TO SHOW THAT YOU RESEARCHED THEM INDIVIDUALLY]

Brave yet obedient Kade Maddox’s fifteenth birthday sucks [SOMETHING MORE SPECIFIC]. [Flat, petulant, vague. How specifically does it suck?] However, one good thing comes out of it: the brave yet obedient teen is allowed to leave home for the first time. Actually, he’s ordered by Then his mother [If his mother “actually orders” him, just be clear about that the first time around?]. She wants orders Kade to take his two [If you say they’re twins, we know there’s two of them] younger (twin) siblings to a cabin high in the mountains. She gives no other reason but “to protect them from AIB” —, a clandestine agency who wants to use the children to start a war. At least he’s allowed to leave the house for the first time.

Strange misfortunes [Too vague to be meaningful] befall Kade while leaving his reaches their secluded Appalachian compound. He accidently, [BE MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT THE CIRCUMSTANCES] discovers [vague] he has electrokinetic abilities [Be more specific about what these are, I don’t know what this means in the context of this novel];. uUnmarked helicopters spray a red mist over the cabin;, and he begins to question [MORE SPECIFIC QUESTIONS] …well…everything [Him questioning “everything” tells us nothing specific]. But when he witnesses his mother’s death [Too vague, don’t worry about spoilers] and is shot by a deranged hunter shoots him, Kade becomes lost. Not knowing what to do [Vague and vague], he submits to his recently-resurrected [“Recently-resurrected?” Like he died and came back to life?] older brother Grayson’s wishes and takes the twins to a small town called Magnolia outside Savannah, Georgia.

While laying-low in Magnolia, Kade works hard to fit-in with the townies and appease Grayson [I don’t understand what this means. Appease him how and to what end?]. He attends high school for the first time, makes a couple of friends, and trains to defend his family. He also learns that he and his siblings are genetically-modified beings, trained since birth [How would he only now learn he’s been “trained since birth?”] to become super-soldiers for the U.S. government. But when Kade attracts the attention of prominent locals [Be more specific about who this is], he must make a choice: break his promise to his mother [Break what promise?] or stay, even if it put his siblings at risk [Put them at risk how?]. If Kade comes to terms with the monster inside [I don’t understand what this is referring to], he may stand a chance at controlling his own fate and saving his family. If not, more than just their lives are in danger. [Like what? Vague finish to a vague query]

EXTRAORDINARY TALENTS is a 76,000-word, YA SFF/ thriller. I believe it will appeal to fans of FLAWED [If you capitalize your own title, capitalize others] by Cecelia Ahem and THE DYSASTERS by P.C. Cast & Kristen Cast. I am a member of SCBWI and former children’s bookseller.

Thank you for your time.

Thanks again to cmonson!

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Art: The Cottage Door by Thomas Gainsborough