Careful with the “here’s what you need to know” opening (page critique)

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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Melisssgissy, whose page is below:

Title: I’m Sober… So Now What? A Journey of Hope and Healing

Genre: Non-Fiction

First 250 words-

Chapter 1 My Name is Melissa and I am an alcoholic

My dance in and out of the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) rooms started with attending meetings with a boyfriend over two decades ago. He was ready to admit that he was powerless over alcohol and that his life had become unmanageable. I was smitten with him but I had no intentions of joining his journey. I was just there to be with him and support him. I wasn’t powerless over alcohol, not in my mind anyway. “I have Italian and Irish genes; we just like to drink”, I would always say.

I came from a family that had several functional alcoholics. Alcohol was served at just about any gathering I attended, including church, and most of my friends and coworkers throughout my life drank heavily. Most social events would start with “pre-gaming” as we would call it and carried all the way through until I was usually puking or passing out. Then the next day we would all put the pieces together of the night before and have a good laugh at our shenanigans, usually while partaking in “the hair of the dog that bit us”. If a dinner had ended and someone was leaving the table with alcohol remaining in their glass, I would down it and say something clever like “waste not, want not” or “let me help you get your money’s worth” or “it’s five o’clock somewhere”.

That level of drinking was normal to me. In my mind I wasn’t in trouble like the boyfriend was.

As with my Monday post, I want to start with the caveat that everyone needs to writ the book they want to write. I admire the author’s bravery in sharing their story, and have little doubt it was a cathartic and clarifying experience to put it to the page.

Setting that aside, if the goal is a wider readership (whether via traditional publishing or economically viable self-publishing), this opening misses so many opportunities to grab us with a more vivid opening.

I see so many openings like this–both in novels and memoirs–where it feels basically like an author clearing their throat and saying, “Here’s everything you need to know about me” and reeling off some stark, previousl- drawn conclusions.

Now, this can be made to work, but usually when it does we’re drawn in by the voice along the lines of the opening of Catcher in the Rye. (Candidly it’s not my favorite novel, but it’s the archetypal voice-driven “Here’s what you need to know about me” and clearly Salinger touched a cultural nerve).

But here, instead of a vivid voice, this opening feels pretty flat and overly straightforward. There are missed opportunities to bring in more individuality and vivid illustrations of the points being made. There are some glimmers of examples in the second paragraph, but it all feels pretty standard rather than feeling like Melissa or the friends are unique individuals and the paragraph couldn’t be written about anyone else.

Instead of the “here’s what you need to know” approach, it’s usually better to immerse us in a scene, let it unfold, and allow us to draw more of our own conclusions. Rather than just telling us the story (which can feel a bit like an author who’s jamming the story down our throats), let us see the story for ourselves. Instead of being your protagonist’s psychologist, think more like a journalist.

Here’s my redline:

Title: I’m Sober… So Now What? A Journey of Hope and Healing

Genre: Non-Fiction [Nonfiction isn’t really a genre, it’s a broad category. Do you mean memoir? Or self-help?]

First 250 words-

Chapter 1 My Name is Melissa and I am an alcoholic

My dance in and out of the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) [Given the previous context, what AA stands for is really common knowledge] rooms started with attending meetings with a boyfriend over two decades ago. He was ready to admit that he was powerless over alcohol and that his life had become unmanageable. I was smitten with him, [Missed opportunity to show this with more individuality] but I had no intentions of joining his journey [Missed opportunity to show this more vividly]. I was just there to be with him and support him [Missed opportunity to show this]. I wasn’t powerless over alcohol, not in my mind anyway. “I have Italian and Irish genes; we just like to drink,”, I would always say.

I came from a family that had with several functional alcoholics. Alcohol was served at just about any gathering I attended, including church, and most of my friends and coworkers throughout my life drank heavily. Most of my social events would started with “pre-gaming” as we would call it and carried all the way through until I was usually puking or passing out. Then tThe next day we would all put the pieces together of from the night before and have a good laugh at our shenanigans, usually while partaking in “the hair of the dog that bit us.”. If a dinner had ended and someone was leaving left the table with alcohol remaining in their glass, I would down it and say something clever like “waste not, want not” or “let me help you get your money’s worth.” or “it’s five o’clock somewhere”. [Why would she say this after dinner? Or is that the joke?]

That level of drinking was normal to me. In my mind I wasn’t in trouble like the my boyfriend was.

Thanks again to Melisssgissy!

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Art: The Day After by Edvard Munch