Precisely describe events (query critique)

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• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to abbymei, whose query is below.

Dear [agent]

[I’m reaching out because you represent ABC, and I saw you were seeking manuscripts with XYZ]. THE SPANISH LOVE DECEPTION meets LOVEBOAT, TAIPEI in A LESSON IN TEA AND TYPHOONS, an 80k word YA contemporary romance with series potential.

Hannah Lin was born to be a doctor—at least, that’s what her traditional Taiwanese parents told her. After a messy breakup three years ago fractured her already strained relationship with her family, she’s determined to prove to her parents she’s capable of success. Even if that means going to medical school instead of studying photography. As a senior at National Taiwan University, she only has two things on her mind: getting into medical school and finding a date for her family’s annual Lunar New Year celebration.

Enter Michael—a French exchange student with an annoyingly attractive accent—who offers to be Hannah’s fake boyfriend. But Hannah’s well versed in romantic comedies. She knows this never ends well, especially when one of the players has dimples that could make anyone swoon. But her romantic prospects are otherwise nonexistent.

When Hannah arrives with Michael at her family’s annual Lunar New Year celebration, her ex is the last person she expects to see. Hannah is even more desperate to convince her family she has her life together. But as her feelings for Michael deepen, and memories of the past resurface, the line between fake and real blurs.

Like Hannah, I am Asian-American, have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and have previously lived in Taiwan. I am a member of the North Carolina Writers’ Network.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[my name]

This query reads relatively smoothly, but I nevertheless have some concerns. Like so many queries, it stays at a bit of an abstract remove rather than zooming in a bit closer to what’s actually happening. For instance, “fractured her already strained relationship with her family” is a diagnosis that could describe many different situations. How exactly did the strain manifest itself in this particular story? Don’t worry about spoilers, and be very precise about what happens.

I’m also a bit concerned that the stakes feel a bit muddled. What does she think will happen if she succeeds or fails at impressing her parents? What is her ultimate journey as a character?

Lastly, while there are glimmers of voice here (I particularly liked Michael’s “annoyingly attractive accent”), I’m concerned that we don’t get enough of a sense of Hannah’s personality. Try to weave more of your protagonist’s voice into the query to give an agent a sense of what it’s like to read the novel. For instance, “as her feelings for Michael deepen” is a flat description that could be phrased in a way that conveys more personality with the same number of words.

Here’s my redline:

Dear [agent]

[I’m reaching out because you represent ABC, and I saw you were seeking manuscripts with XYZ]. THE SPANISH LOVE DECEPTION meets LOVEBOAT, TAIPEI in A LESSON IN TEA AND TYPHOONS, an my 80k word YA contemporary romance with series potential.

Hannah Lin was born to be a doctor—at least, that’s what her traditional Taiwanese parents told her. After a messy breakup three years ago fractured her already strained relationship with her family [abstract diagnosis. Be more precise about what happened here], she’s determined to prove to her parents she’s capable of success [Be more specific about what she thinks “success” means and what her goal is here]. Even if that means going to medical school instead of studying photography. As a senior at National Taiwan University [atypical for the protagonist of a YA novel to be a senior in college], she only has two things on her mind: getting into medical school and finding a date for her family’s annual Lunar New Year celebration.

Enter Michael—a French exchange student with an annoyingly attractive accent [good voice]—who offers to be Hannah’s fake boyfriend. But Hannah’s well versed in romantic comedies. She knows this never ends well, especially when one of the players has dimples that could make anyone swoon. But her romantic prospects are otherwise nonexistent.

When Hannah arrives with Michael at her family’s annual Lunar New Year celebration, her ex is the last person she expects to see [cliche – replace with what actually happens here]. Hannah is even more desperate to convince her family she has her life together. But as her feelings for Michael deepen [missed opportunity to weave in more voice], and memories of the past resurface [too vague], the line between fake and real blurs [Be more precise about what happens]. Can she keep her feelings in check, or will her crumbling plan prove her parents right? [What’s ultimately at stake here?]

Like Hannah, I am Asian-American, have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and have previously lived in Taiwan. I am a member of the North Carolina Writers’ Network.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[my name]

Thanks again to abbymei!

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Art: Shoka by Yazaki Chiyo II