A little setting goes a long way (page critique)

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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to rddyer55, whose page is below:

July 1975

I couldn’t believe my eyes. Ted, my best friend and roommate, was on the kitchen floored pinned under the massive weight of our biggest resident, Henry.

“What the hell is going on here?” I yelled from the door. My reflexes kicked in, and before Henry could react, I pulled him off. I locked Henry’s arms behind his back while he struggled against me. Even though Henry outweighed me by a good 30 pounds, adrenaline put me in control. The fact that I was 18 and a college jock also gave me an edge. Ted grabbed a chair, climbed to his feet and, after he straightened himself out, said, “Let him go, Mike”

That was against every instinct I had. Ted couldn’t have weighed half as much as Henry. While he was two years older than me, he was a shrimp by comparison. I shot Ted a warning look, but he stared back at me with control in his eyes. After hesitating for a moment, I said, “You better not breathe unless I say so.”

I loosened my grip and Henry stood between us. Surprisingly, despite his own anger, he made no move but just glared at us. Ted was breathing rapidly from the excitement. I think he knew he won a gamble. This was the first time Henry resorted to a physical attack to try and get his way so there was no way to know what might have happened.

Ted acted like this was normal. “I think you realize what you’ve done. It’s going to be a long time before you ever leave this house again. Now go to your room.” My eyebrows shot up when Henry went upstairs without another word. His head hung like a child who had been punished.

This is written reasonably smoothly, and okay, there’s a fight.

But I have very little idea what’s going on and finished this page mostly just feeling confused. Why? It’s not clear where we are entirely. There’s no contextualizing detail for who these characters are to each other. It’s hard to feel much about this fight beyond confusion.

There are missed opportunities throughout to flesh out more of the story, but they’re not taken. Instead, we get quite a lot of belaboring things that are already apparent from context when we’re not getting the information we really need to make sense of things.

Err on the side of clarity and helping the reader understand the key elements of your story. That starts with where we are entirely, who’s doing what and why, and what’s at stake.

Here’s my redline:

July 1975

I couldn’t believe my eyes. Ted, my best friend and roommate, was on the kitchen floored pinned on the kitchen floor [WHERE WE ARE ENTIRELY] under the massive weight of our biggest resident, Henry.

“What the hell is going on here?” I yelled from the door. My reflexes kicked in, and [Just show this]

¶bBefore Henry could react, I pulled him off. I locked Henry’s his arms behind his back while he struggled against me. Even though Henry he outweighed me by a good 30 pounds, adrenaline put me in control [Not believing the voice, overly analytical/abstract]. The fact that I was 18 and a college jock also gave me an edge.

¶Ted grabbed a chair, climbed and pulled himself to his feet. and, after he straightened himself out, said, “Let him go, Mike”

That was against every instinct I had [Overwrought. Be more specific about why he doesn’t to let him go and what he worries could happen]. Ted was two years older than me, but couldn’t have weighed half as much as Henry. While he was two years older than me, he was a shrimp by comparison. I shot Ted a warning look, but he stared back at me with control in his eyes. After hesitating for a moment, I said,

¶“You better not breathe unless I say so.,” I said.

I loosened my grip and Henry stood between us. Surprisingly, despite his own anger, h [Over-explaining what’s clear from context] He made no move but just glared at us.

¶Ted was breathing breathed rapidly from the excitement. I think he knew he won a gamble. [I don’t understand what this is referring to] This was the first time Henry resorted to a physical attack to try and get his way [Get his way about what? Missed opportunity to weave in more specificity] so there was no way to know what might have happened. [Inadequate context]

Ted acted like this was normal. [Show this] “I think you realize what you’ve done.,” Ted said. “It’s going to be a long time before you ever leave this house again. Now go to your room.” My eyebrows shot up [Aimless stage direction. Weave the surprise into the voice] when

¶Henry went upstairs without another word. His head hung like a child who had been punished.

Thanks again to rddyer55!

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Art: Paul Cézanne – Maison abandonnée près d’Aix-en-Provence