Rein in your plot description (query critique)

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• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to RachelT, whose query is below.

Dear [Agent],

Eighteen-year-old, California girl, Sasha Clems runs along the beach each morning in preparation for competing in cross-country at college and then heads off to the first of four jobs. (Because she will have enough money saved up to have a full college experience). One morning, her run leads her to a beached sea-dragon. With its dying breath, it gives her its magic in the form of a basketball-sized jewel.

The last time this happened, the jewel was auctioned off in the high nine figures. After, that was, a kidnapping, three deaths, and an international manhunt by the magic-handling families. Sasha’s jewel is only the answer to her financial problems if she can hold onto it.

She doesn’t come from a long line of paranoid con-artists for nothing.

Sasha reenacts/videos finding the sea-dragon’s body sans dying-breath-moment. She reports the body to the magic-handlers’ website and posts the video online, using the upload time to pinpoint her location as she ditches her phone just long enough to hide the jewel. Everyone knows the magic-handlers totally have the cell system bugged.

When the magic-handlers show up on her family’s doorstep, she plays them perfectly. So perfectly that the ransacking of her family’s house comes as a complete surprise. As does a way-too-vivid dream of a hot magic-handling boy with dire warnings about other dragons. Then a series of notes begin floating down from her bedroom ceiling; the old guy who found/sold the last dragon jewel wants to help her. (Well, maybe he does…)

An attack on her grandfather and the arrival of a caravan of black government vans make her decide to retrieve the jewel and run for it. The floating notes provide her with GPS coordinates in Newfoundland, Canada, and with no better offers of assistance, she heads northeast. It’s a cross continent race to see if she can make it while still in possession of the sea-dragon’s magic and decide who she’s going to trust along the way. (Good thing she knows how to run.)

Sasha vs. the Whole-Wide-World (and Dragons) is an 85k contemporary YA fantasy. No vampires, werewolves or fated-soulmates included, but an obnoxiously ethical, seriously gorgeous love interest, yes!

This sounds like a fun project and I like the way the beginning and end of the plot description dovetail, but this is an extremely long plot description. It’s 361 words, and that doesn’t even include personalization, comps, and a brief bio, so it’s going to result in a query letter far over the 350 words I recommend.

This is often where the first draft of a query will start, but from here it’s so important to really ask yourself what’s most important to include, and not get lost in cul-de-sacs that aren’t essential to understanding the overall story. For instance, I struggled to grasp Sasha’s overall plan even as I was getting details that felt a bit in the weeds, like her plans for the geolocation on her cell phone.

Even with this many words, the query descends into vagueness. I never really understood the role of magic handlers in this world, I didn’t understand Sasha’s plan for outfoxing them, and my eyes glazed over a bit when there’s a boy arriving in dreams, which could mean almost anything.

Make sure you’re providing context for unfamiliar concepts, be clear about who is doing what and why, and sharpen the overall stakes.

Here’s my redline:

Dear [Agent],

[INSERT PERSONALIZED TIDBIT ABOUT THE AGENT TO SHOW THAT YOU RESEARCHED THEM INDIVIDUALLY]

Eighteen-year-old, California girl, Sasha Clems runs along the beach each morning in preparation for competing to prepare to compete in cross-country at college and, then heads off to the first of her four jobs. (Because she will have enough money to saved up to have a full college experience). One morning, her run leads her to a beached sea-dragon. With its dying breath, it gives her its magic [Not sure I’m grasping what it means to give “its magic,” can you be more specific?] in the form of a basketball-sized jewel.

The last time this happened, the jewel was auctioned off in the sold for high nine figures. After, that was, and was followed by a kidnapping, three deaths, and an international manhunt by the magic-handling families. Sasha’s jewel is only the answer to her financial problems if she can hold onto it. She doesn’t come from a long line of paranoid con artists for nothing.

Sasha reenacts/videos finding the sea-dragon’s body sans dying-breath-moment. She reports the body to the magic-handlers, [CONTEXT FOR WHO MAGIC HANDLERS ARE], ’ website and posts the video online, using the upload time to pinpoint her location as she ditches her phone just long enough to hide the jewel. Everyone knows the magic-handlers totally have the cell system bugged. When the magic-handlers and when they show up on her family’s doorstep, she [WHAT SHE ACTUALLY DOES, DON’T BE COY/OBLIQUE] plays them perfectly. So perfectly that the ransacking of her family’s house comes as a complete surprise. As does a way-too-vivid dream of a hot magic-handling boy with dire warnings about other dragons. [Really scattered, be clearer about who is doing what and why] Then a series of notes begin floating down from her bedroom ceiling; tThe old guy who found/sold the last dragon jewel wants to help her. (Well, maybe he does…)

An When [WHO] attacks on her grandfather [Vague] and the arrival of a caravan of black government vans arrive [WHERE], she make her decides to retrieve the jewel and run for it. The floating notes provide her with GPS coordinates in Newfoundland, Canada, and with no better offers of assistance, she heads northeast. Iit’s a cross continent race to see if she can make it while still in possession of with the sea-dragon’s magic and decide who she’s going to trust along the way. (Good thing she knows how to run.) [I like the callback to the intro]

Sasha vs. the Whole Wide World [I don’t understand the hyphens in the title] (and Dragons) is an 85k word contemporary YA fantasy. No vampires, werewolves or fated-soulmates included, but an obnoxiously ethical, seriously gorgeous love interest, yes! that will appeal to readers of [COMPS].

[BRIEF BIO]

Thanks again to RachelT!

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Art: Ryūko-zu Byōbu by Kanō Sanraku