It’s not a publishing convention to capitalize character names in a query letter (query critique)

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Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to aldernans, whose query is below.

Dear agent,

Dixie Griggs is too poor and too human. She is consumed by guilt after she taunts a girlfriend. She wanted to toughen her up, but instead she caused her to give it up – the girl killed herself. Dixie’s determined to find any distraction from her misery, so she signs up to be on a popular TV show called, “Who Wants to be a Hero?” The winner receives ten-million dollars.

She boards a ferry with nine other contestants to a remote island to stay in a plantation home remodeled after Chelsea in Charleston, South Carolina. In order to win, she needs to stay the weekend and solve this ridiculous quest based on Homer’s Odyssey. But soon the weekend takes a dark turn. One of the contestants is poisoned and Dixie realizes there is a killer among them.

The next day she decides to go with the “trustworthy” group, a well-meaning idiot, JAEGER, and a married couple: Jealous JO and her unfaithful wife, ELLEN to find a boat to sail off the island. This turns into a bloody bad decision when two more of them are killed and Dixie is left all alone. Putting the pieces together, Dixie realizes the contestants are dying in the horrible way found in the mythology poem she discovered in her bedroom the night before.

The poem starts with the line: Take one down with a poisoned berry and ends with dying at the hands of a flesh eating beast. At first Dixie thinks this is some mad man’s game to toy with her before killing her, until she encounters Circe, a goddess and the king of hell, Hades and she realizes the island is controlled by the same gods and goddesses found in Homer’s Odyssey.

In order to escape, Dixie will choose the aid of a goddess, the love of a killer and nasty bargain with Hades.

Please consider my adult supernatural thriller novel CAST TO DIE complete at 85,000 words. It is a re-telling supernatural-twist on both Homer’s Odyssey and Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None. Cast to Die is told from the perspectives of the greedy victims and the absolution they seek for their crimes.

CAST TO DIE can be compared to WE ARE ALL THE SAME IN THE DARK by Julia Heaberlin and I AM WATCHING YOU by Teresa Driscoll.

The manuscript is available upon request.

Best wishes,

One strange thing I’ve seen in the last few years is that film industry and screenplay conventions keep creeping into writers’ query letters and synopses. A while back I started seeing more capitalized character names in synopses, now they’re creeping into query letters too.

Unless I’m just out of step with what the new young whippersnapper agents out there are recommending, it’s not a publishing industry convention to capitalize character names in query letters. Just write their names normally. (And while we’re at it: either capitalize book titles or italicize, but don’t capitalize your book title and italicize others. Be consistent).

In addition to that point of confusion, while this query mainly reads well, my main concern is that it’s quite a bit too long (395 words without personalization or a bio) and includes details that feel extraneous. Try to get your query under 350 words including the personalization and bio.

Lastly, the last line of the plot description is undoubtedly a tricky one, and this one is both a bit too specific about what Dixie ultimately chooses at the same time that it’s so vague I struggled to unpack it. As you summarize how the novel ascends toward the climax, give the agent a sense of what the protagonist ultimately has to do and what’s at stake if they succeed or fail.

Here’s my redline:

Dear agent,

[Insert personalized tidbit about the agent to show that you researched them individually]

Dixie Griggs is too poor and too human. She is consumed by guilt after sShe taunts [Confusing sequence. Err on the side of chronological order. “Taunts” is also vague and a missed opportunity to add more specificity] a her girlfriend. She wanted to toughen her up, but instead she causeds her to give it up – t. The girl killeds herself. Dixie’s determined to find any distraction from her misery, so she signs up to be on a try win $10 million on the popular TV show called, “Who Wants to be a Hero?” The winner receives ten-million dollars.

She boards a ferry with nine other contestants to a remote island to stay in a plantation home remodeled after Chelsea in Charleston, South Carolina. In order to win, she needs to stay for the weekend and solve this a ridiculous quest based on Homer’s Odyssey. But soon, the weekend takes a dark turn [Just show this]. O one of the contestants is poisoned and Dixie realizes there is a killer among them.

The next day sShe decides to go with the “trustworthy” group, a well-meaning idiot, JAEGER Jaeger, and a married couple:, Jealous JO Jo and her unfaithful wife, ELLEN Ellen, to find a boat to sail off the island. This turns into a bloody bad decision when two more of them are killed and Dixie is left all alone. Putting the pieces together, Dixie realizes the contestants are dying in the horrible way found in the mythology a mythological poem she discovereds in her bedroom the night before.The poem starts with the line: Take one down with a poisoned berry and ends with dying at the hands of a flesh eating beast. At first Dixie thinks this is some mad man’s game to toy with her before killing her, until she encounters [Missed opportunity to be more vivid] Circe, a goddess and the king of hell, and Hades and she realizes the island is controlled by the same gods and goddesses found in Homer’s Odyssey.

In order to escape, Dixie will choose the aid of a goddess, the love of a killer and nasty bargain with Hades. [This last line sort of skirts the line between telling the reader how it ends while still remaining vague. I don’t have a sense of what’s ultimately at stake. Try to give a sense of what she ultimately has to do and what gains and rewards hang in the balance. e.g. Dixie must do X and Y or else Z will happen]

Please consider my adult supernatural thriller novel CAST TO DIE, complete at 85,000 words. It is a re-telling supernatural-twist on both of Homer’s Odyssey and Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None AND THEN THERE WERE NONE. Cast to Die is told from the perspectives of the greedy victims and the absolution they seek for their crimes. CAST TO DIE can be compared which will appeal to readers of WE ARE ALL THE SAME IN THE DARK by Julia Heaberlin and I AM WATCHING YOU by Teresa Driscoll.

[Brief bio]

The manuscript is available upon request. [If you say the manuscript is complete, I tend to think this goes without saying]

Best wishes,

Thanks again to aldernans!

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