Don’t rely on abstractions (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to lovu_sarah, whose query is below.

Dear [agent name],

We all have things we regret in our life. Things that haunt our sleep and deprive us of peace. And all those actions we take that lead to those regrets are influenced by our surroundings, are they not? Or does the blame fall solely on us?

A BLAMELESS MURDER is a 65,000 words literary fiction novel that explores the life of a nameless girl in a nameless world in hopes of understanding why she became a killer at nineteen. It dives into her reasoning as to why she did what she did while the girl tries to guide the reader through every event in her life.

It is a conversation and it starts as if she’s talking to the reader; explaining how her whole life leads her to become that person at that specific point in time, much like The Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allan Poe.

When I saw that one of your favorite authors was Carlos Ruiz Zafron I knew I had to query you. I grew up reading his work back when I was a little girl in the Dominican Republic.

I have included the first ten pages of my manuscript per your request. Please note that even though the book starts with quotation marks that are never closed in this short excerpt, it is not a typo.

Thank you so much for your time.
Sincerely,
[Signature]

Here’s how I’d boil down this query by paragraph:

1. Abstract philosophizing
2. A plot description that tells us absolutely nothing about the book (essentially: “there’s a woman who killed someone”), while smushing in the “nuts and bolts” of genre and word count
3. An outdated comp
4. Personalization (which should be the first paragraph)
5. A confusing detail about how a quotation mark is meant to be interpreted

And…that’s about it.

The goal of a query letter is to inspire an agent to want to read your manuscript or proposal. The way to do that is to actually tell them about the book you’ve written.

Save the philosophizing and rhetorical questions for the philosophers. Forget about themes. Just write a really solid two-three paragraph plot description that very precisely articulates what happens while giving the agent a sense of your novel’s voice.

I feel like sometimes authors get nervous trying to describe their novel and it’s almost like they end up waving their arms around wildly to distract the agent. Just try to be confident and tell the agent what happens.

Here’s my redline:

Dear [agent name],

When I saw that one of your favorite authors was Carlos Ruiz Zafron I knew I had to query you. I grew up reading his work back when I was a little girl in the Dominican Republic. [Lead with the presonalization]

We all have things we regret in our life. Things that haunt our sleep and deprive us of peace. And all those actions we take that lead to those regrets are influenced by our surroundings, are they not? Or does the blame fall solely on us? [Agents don’t open up a query seeking Deep Thoughts, they just want to know what happens in your novel]

A BLAMELESS MURDER is a 65,000 words literary fiction novel that explores the life of a A nameless girl lives in a nameless world in hopes of understanding trying to understand why she became a killer at nineteen. It dives into her reasoning as to why she did what she did while the girl tries to guide the reader through every event in her life. [FLESH OUT THE REST OF A TWO-THREE PARAGRAPH PLOT DESCRIPTION]

It is a conversation and it starts as if she’s talking to the reader; explaining how her whole life leads her to become that person at that specific point in time, much like The Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allan Poe. [We don’t need to know how the novel is structured. Comparing your book to a short story written 180 years ago is not going to give the agent a sense that you have a grasp on today’s market, particularly when I can think of plenty of recent novels featuring a protagonist talking to the reader]

A BLAMELESS MURDER is a 65,000 words literary fiction novel that will appeal to readers of [COMPS].

When I saw that one of your favorite authors was Carlos Ruiz Zafron I knew I had to query you. I grew up reading his work back when I was a little girl in the Dominican Republic.

[BRIEF BIO]

I have included the first ten pages of my manuscript per your request. Please note that even though the book starts with quotation marks that are never closed in this short excerpt, it is not a typo. [I don’t see the utility in explaining a single quotation mark. Even if the whole novel is meant to be a conversation, why would a quotation mark be necessary to begin with?]

Thank you so much for your time.
Sincerely,
[Signature]

Thanks again to lovu_sarah!

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Art: Seascape with Storm Coming On by J.M.W. Turner