A textbook case of over-relying on dialogue (page critique)

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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Blanche2021, whose page is below:

Title: ‘Journey To Love’
Romance
First Page

‘I should be in a convent?’ Virginia Warner spun her head around to face her friend, Dorothy
Baxter. That’s a strange thing to say, what do you mean?’
‘Remember how you couldn’t wait to leave home, your eyes glued to the calendar, willing the days away to your escape?’
‘Yes, I remember,’ Virginia lifted her eyes. A deep groan escaped from her throat.
‘And I’m very happy to be here. A smile lit up’ her face.
‘But what’s the point if you’re not going to have fun. I can’t believe that you intend going through three long years of nurse training without a fella, and cloistered in this nurses’ home. You might as well be a nun. Good looks are wasted on you. Men would stumble over themselves for you.’
‘Thanks for the compliment, and I do intend having fun, going to lots of parties and all the places I couldn’t go when I was at home, but I don’t want to get involved with anyone until I’ve completed my training. I want to be the best nurse at St. Faith’s.’
‘Well if that’s the sacrifice we have to make, you can count me out.’
‘Not a sacrifice really. Truth is…I’m saving myself until I meet the right person.’
‘Ooh,’ Dorothy raised an eyebrow and looked askance at her friend. ‘I am impressed. You’re not called Virgin–ia for nothing. But why do I hear your father’s words echoing in your head. Mind while you’re so busy saving yourself, you don’t let Mr. Right pass you by and you end up an old maid like Home Sister and matron. This is nineteen sixty-six. The age of women’s liberation and free love. You can loosen your chastity belt, but beware an uninvited visit from the white stork. If you know what I mean.’

If you’ve ever wondering why I spend a lot of energy on this blog talking about the perils of over-relying on dialogue, it’s because of deeply clunky openings like this.

This doesn’t feel at all like a convincing conversation. Why? The characters are smushing exposition into the dialogue in a way that feels unwieldy (“‘Remember how you couldn’t wait to leave home, your eyes glued to the calendar…”), the banter is forced, the scene feels organized around the information the author feels like they need to impart rather than having a clear impetus.

Just as importantly, there’s zero separate context and physical description, so we can’t visualize the scene or the characters. There’s a head jump midway through the scene (can you spot it?) from Virginia’s perspective to Dorothy’s perspective.

This page is in really, really rough shape. Establish where we are via physical description, anchor us to a particular character and help us understand what’s motivating them, and draw upon the narrative voice to provide context.

Here’s my redline:

Title: ‘Journey To Love’
Romance
First Page

[INSERT PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION AND PROTAGONIST’S MINDSET]

“You should be in a convent,” Dorothy said.

‘I should be in a convent?’ Virginia Warner spun her head around to face her friend, Dorothy
Baxter. That’s a strange thing to say, w‘What do you mean?’ Virginia asked.
‘Remember how you couldn’t wait to leave home, your eyes glued to the calendar, willing the days away to your escape?’
‘Yes, I remember,’ Virginia lifted her eyes. A deep groan escaped from her throat.
‘And I’m very happy to be here. A smile lit up’ her face.
‘But wWhat’s the point of leaving home if you’re not going to have fun.? I can’t believe that you intend going to go through three long years of nurse training without a fella, and cloistered in this nurses’ home. You might as well be a nun. Good looks are wasted on you. Men would stumble over themselves for you.’

[CONTEXT VIA THE NARRATIVE VOICE ABOUT VIRGINIA’S PLANS FOR BECOMING A NURSE]

‘Thanks for the compliment, and I do intend having fun, going to lots of parties and all the places I couldn’t go when I was at home, but I don’t want to get involved with anyone until I’ve completed my training. I want to be the best nurse at St. Faith’s.,’ Virginia said.
‘Well iIf that’s the sacrifice we have to make it takes, you can count me out.’
‘Not a sacrifice really.,‘ Virginia said. ‘Truth is…, I’m saving myself until I meet for the right person.’
‘Ooh,’ Dorothy raised an eyebrow and looked askance at her friend. ‘I am impressed. You’re not called Virgin–ia named Virginia for nothing. But why do I hear your father’s words echoing in your head. Mind while you’re so busy saving yourself, you don’t let Mr. Right pass you by and you end up an old maid like Home Sister and matron. This is It’s nineteen sixty-six. The age of women’s liberation and free love. Y, you can loosen your chastity belt, but. Just beware an uninvited visit from the white stork. I, if you know what I mean.’

Thanks again to Blanche2021!

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Art: A girl reads to a convalescent while a nurse brings in the patient’s medicine by Robert Humphrey Giles