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And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to sharondotson, whose page is below:
Jack Dare waited until after five o’clock. That way the secretaries would be gone. No reason they should suffer through this. He glanced at his watch. Five-ten. The price of time was far exceeding the cost of working there even one more minute. If-only-I-had, if-only-I-had.
“Those are the saddest words in the world,” his father used to say. “Don’t wait for an invitation to get off your ass and do what needs to be done.”
Jack tossed his coat over his arm, hoisted his briefcase and headed for the records room where his law partner Warren Guillory stood before a bank of file cabinets riffling through documents. Guillory didn’t look up.
“Hey-uh. Well, how was Houston? Why’d Ed drag you all the way down there this close to Thanksgiving?”
Jack opened his mouth to respond, but Guillory rolled right on by.
“How’s ol’ Ed doing these days? Bet the poor bastard’s gone bald by now.” Guillory, who liked to brag his hair was as thick as pea soup had never met a bald head he didn’t take the time to insult.
“He’s fine. Houston agrees with him.”
Guillory eyed Jack over his shoulder. “That so?” He pulled out a document, glanced at it, then stuffed it back in the drawer. “Greenhaven was never good enough for that prick. He wanted out of here as fast as he could go.”
Inventing facts was Guillory’s M.O., but Jack couldn’t give him a pass on this one. “Ed practiced law here for fourteen years, Warren. That’s not exactly hightailing it out of town.”
“Shit, you know what I mean. Ed’s was the poster child for unbridled ambition. President of this. Winner of that. Always on the make.”
Jack rolled his eyes, a gesture he would have skipped had Guillory been looking straight at him.
Sometimes you can read an opening page and it feels like the author just doesn’t really care much if you understand what’s happening. It’s like going on a jog with a world class sprinter, and they’ve zoomed two blocks ahead within a few seconds and aren’t looking back to see if you’re keeping up.
I know that’s not really what’s going on in pages like this. Usually what’s happening is that an author is failing to see what is and isn’t on the page, or they’re misguidedly trying to make the reader wonder what’s happening by giving them so little information it’s hard to invest in the story entirely.
But today I really want to note the feeling. It feels kind of hostile when an author zooms on ahead without making sure the reader is along for the ride. You don’t want to do this.
In this page, there are so many missed opportunities. It’s unclear why Jack’s unhappy and what he’d rather be doing instead. It’s unclear what he wants to do in this scene. It’s unclear what happened in Houston and what in the world they’re talking about. The page over-relies on dialogue to carry the story and neglects the narrative voice (The good line “Guillory, who liked to brag his hair was as thick as pea soup, had never met a bald head he didn’t take the time to insult” is a notable exception).
If you want the reader to enjoy your story, you have to give them the information they need to enjoy your story. Don’t lose sight of what is and isn’t on the page and be clear and precise.
Here’s my redline:
Jack Dare waited until after five o’clock. That way the secretaries would be gone. No reason they should suffer through this. [“This” feels needlessly vague and holding out on the reader] He glanced at his watch. Five-ten. The price of time was far exceeding the cost of working there even one more minute.
If-only-I-had
,… if-only-I-had.…“Those are the saddest words in the world,” his father used to say. “Don’t wait for an invitation to get off your ass and do what needs to be done.” [Okay, but what does Jack need to do?]
Jack tossed his coat over his arm, hoisted his briefcase and headed for the records room, where his law partner Warren Guillory stood before a bank of file cabinets riffling through documents. [Under-utilizing physical description] Guillory didn’t look up.
“Hey-uh
.,” Guillory said. [Make it clearer who’s speaking] “Well, how was Houston? Why’d Ed drag you all the way down there this close to Thanksgiving?”Jack opened his mouth to respond [Empty gesture, no context for the reader about what he’s talking about], but Guillory rolled right on by.
“How’s ol’ Ed doing these days? Bet the poor bastard’s gone bald by now.” Guillory, who liked to brag his hair was as thick as pea soup, had never met a bald head he didn’t take the time to insult. [Good voice]
“He’s fine. Houston agrees with him.” [Off-putting to have no context. Feels like needlessly holding out on the reader]
Guillory eyed Jack over his shoulder. [Empty gesture] “That so?” He pulled out a document, glanced at it, then stuffed it back in the drawer. “Greenhaven was never good enough for that prick. He wanted out of here as fast as he could go.” [I still don’t understand what they’re talking about]
Inventing facts was Guillory’s M.O., but Jack couldn’t give him a pass on this one. [Why? What’s important to him about this falsehood?] “Ed practiced law here for fourteen years, Warren. That’s not exactly hightailing it out of town.”
“Shit, you know what I mean. Ed’s was the poster child for unbridled ambition. President of this. Winner of that. Always on the make.”
Jack rolled his eyes, a gesture he would have skipped had Guillory been looking straight at him. [Empty gesture]
Thanks again to sharondotson!
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Art: Im Pfarramt by Hans Temple
JOHN T. SHEA says
A title and genre info would tell us a lot more.
Nathan Bransford says
It shouldn’t matter. As I seem to recall arguing about a long time ago, sometimes people are going to just pick up a book in a bookstore without reading the title and back material because they want to go in cold. They need to be able to get their bearings.
Nate says
I can’t place what time period we’re supposed to be in. This could be any post-industrial era.
J R Tomlin says
Except that they’re lawyers, this gives no clue who these people are and none at all why the reader should care. I feel that at times a first page like this is ‘throat clearing’ by the author, though, in order to get started on the actual story and the first page or two can just be safely cut.