Focus your query (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to S.M. Stevens, whose query is below.

Dear [agent’s name]:

Charley Byrne isn’t really living. In my contemporary novel BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE THINGS, the bookstore manager fears something tragic will occur in this, her twenty-ninth year, because she lost her grandparents seven years before and her parents seven years before that. So she hunkers down in her apartment above the bookstore in the fictional city of Wrighton, regulating her emotions with strict routines and self-harm rituals.

Charley lets herself be lured out of this self-imposed social exile by the prospect of friendship and romance with haiku-spouting activist Xander Wallace. She joins Xander’s circle of five diverse friends and thrives—even leaving her comfort zone to join her friends at various protests in the city.

But the new friendships bring betrayal. One friend arranges for the real estate development company she works for to purchase and raze Charley’s haven—the building that houses the bookstore and apartment. The deal was put in motion before the two women met, but the friend does nothing to stop the deal’s progress, even after learning the job pulled Charley out of an earlier depression-like funk.

Then, Xander turns violent at a Black Lives Matter protest, bashing a police cruiser with a baseball bat and horrifying the pacifist Charley. The back-to-back incidents propel an already unstable Charley into a true depression. It’s up to her friends to save the bookstore—and Charley. In the process, their long-held views on social justice issues are challenged, and each finds their own path to activism.

As in Nine Perfect Strangers, the individuals in the ensemble cast bring their own concerns and fears to their burgeoning relationships. The strong bonds they build based on their common age and experiences are more akin to the foursome in A Little Life.

One goal of BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE THINGS is to show the “real people” behind the statistics on today’s social justice issues. My daughter suffers from mental health issues, so I feel a personal connection to that subject matter. Numerous sensitivity readers and diversity consultants provided perspective and guidance on other aspects of the book.

A synopsis, sample chapters and the completed, 109,000-word manuscript are available upon request.

My last novel, Horseshoes and Hand Grenades, was published by TouchPoint Press in 2019 and I have a short story appearing in the next issue of Smoky Quartz. I am a career business writer who began writing fiction 13 years ago, honing my craft through writers’ groups, workshops and seminars. My articles have appeared in publications including The Boston Globe and Guitar & Bass magazine.

[personalize for the agent if appropriate]

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Susan Boucher (she/her)
(writing as S.M. Stevens)

This feels like a decent first draft of a query letter that hasn’t yet been honed and refined.

One way to know for sure that you haven’t edited your query enough is if it’s really long. This query is 420 words even without the personalization. I highly recommend making it no more than 350 words, including the personalization.

There’s quite a bit of meandering in this draft, as well as discussions of themes and messages that an agent will very likely extraneous. Agents don’t really care what you think your book means, they just want to know if they can sell it or not. The best way to convey that is with a tight, crisp plot description.

Apart from that, there’s too much abstract psychologizing in the plot description that doesn’t really create a vivid sense of character. Vague catch-alls “Strict routines, “self-harm rituals,” and “true depression” could mean almost anything. “True depression” could mean anything from sobbing to sleeping to eating several tubs of ice cream. What is Charley’s like? Don’t tell us she’s depressed, just show us the symptoms.

Lastly, I don’t know what’s in the water lately but I’ve been seeing a strange thing in query letters where people only capitalize or italicize the book they’re querying about. That’s not how it works. Classic publishing industry standard is to capitalize all book titles, which should include comp titles if you have them. These days either capitalization or italicizing is fine, but whichever one you choose, be consistent throughout the query.

Here’s my redline:

Dear [agent’s name]:

[Lead with the personalization to tip off the agent that you researched them individually]

Charley Byrne isn’t really living. In my contemporary novel BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE THINGS, the bookstore manager [The original opening is really clunky] She fears something tragic will occur in this, her twenty-ninth year, because she lost her grandparents seven years before and her parents seven years before that. So she hunkers down in her apartment above the bookstore she manages in the fictional city of Wrighton, regulating her emotions [abstract psychologizing] with strict routines [be more specific] and self-harm rituals [be more specific].

Charley lets herself be lured out of this self-imposed social exile by tThe prospect of friendship and romance [flat voice] with haiku-spouting activist Xander Wallace lures Charley out of exile. She joins Xander’s circle of five diverse friends and thrives [show this]—even leaving leaves her comfort zone to join her friends at various protests in the city. But the new friendships bring betrayal. O one of her new friends arranges for the her real estate development company she works for to purchase and raze Charley’s haven—the building that houses the bookstore and her apartment. The deal was put in motion before the two women met, but the friend does nothing to stop the deal’s progress, even after learning Charley tells her the job pulled Charley her out of an earlier depression-like funk.

Then, Xander turns violent at a Black Lives Matter protest, bashing bashes a police cruiser with a baseball bat at a protest, and horrifying the pacifist Charley. The back-to-back incidents propel an already unstable Charley into a true depression [Be more specific about how this manifests itself]. It’s up to her friends to save the bookstore—and Charley. [Why does Charley need to be “saved?” A confusing frame] In the process, their long-held views on social justice issues are challenged, and each finds their own path to activism. [Too vague to be meaningful]

As in “Nine Perfect Strangers“, the individuals in the ensemble cast bring their own concerns and fears to their burgeoning relationships. The strong bonds they build based on their common age and experiences are more akin to the foursome in A Little Life.

My contemporary novel BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE THINGS, complete at 109,000 words, will appeal to fans of “Nine Perfect Strangers” and A LITTLE LIFE. One goal of BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE THINGS is to show the “real people” behind the statistics on today’s social justice issues. [This kind of goes without saying?] My daughter suffers from mental health issues, so I feel a personal connection to that subject matter. Numerous sensitivity readers and diversity consultants provided perspective and guidance on other aspects of the book. [Good to include this given the subject matter]

A synopsis, sample chapters and the completed, 109,000-word manuscript are available upon request. [This goes without saying]

My last novel, Horseshoes and Hand Grenades HORSESHOES AND HAND GRENADES, was published by TouchPoint Press in 2019 and I have a short story appearing in the next issue of Smoky Quartz. I am a career business writer who began writing fiction 13 years ago, honing my craft through writers’ groups, workshops and seminars. My articles have appeared in publications including The Boston Globe and Guitar & Bass magazine.

[personalize for the agent if appropriate]

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Susan Boucher (she/her)
(writing as S.M. Stevens)

Thanks again to S.M. Stevens!

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Art: Bookshop by George Kearey