If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in our discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Elsie, whose page is below:
Title: All the King’s Names
Genre: YA fantasy250 words:
Chapter 1: The Idea
“Wait!”
The cry echoed down the narrow, dusty road, barely reaching the town walls. The gatekeeper, who had been winching the gates closed for the night, looked surprised and turned to Seeker for instructions. Seeker squinted into the evening gloom past the gates. When he saw who it was, his heart sank. “Hold the gates for them.”
The small town was quieting down at this time of day. A lonely song rose from the streets of the civilian section. The barracks were already silent. The loudest sound was the crash of ocean waves against the piers. Shadows covered the streets, and only the tallest roofs were still illuminated in yellow light.
As the band of travelers grew nearer, the old gatekeeper’s eyes widened. She shook her head. Seeker counted them, then counted again. He sucked in a breath through his teeth.
“Hey, are you ever gonna be done? Want a hand with the gates?” Brogan, Seeker’s second in command, had come up behind them. “I was thinking-” Then he saw the party and stopped.
The lead rider burst through the gates, charging straight past the small group by the gatehouse. Their horses’ hoof beats changed from nearly muted on the dirt track to loud clangs on the cobblestones the instant they crossed into the town. Seeker winced. “Please slow down,” he hissed to the other riders, but they didn’t hear. They galloped into the town with all the subtlety of a pair of mating wyverns.
This page should be much more interesting than it is. We have an active mystery (mysterious arrivals in a small town), but everything is described in such a vague way it ends up being more confusing than engaging.
While there are some good details about the sights and sounds of the small town, it’s not established where we are entirely, and I struggled to piece together the disparate elements in such a way that I was able to visualize the overall scene.
The characters are described in an extremely vague or nonexistent way, their gestures are flat and generic (“looked surprised,” “turned,” “eyes widened,” “shook her head”), and the perspective feels muddled. Who is our anchor in this scene? If it’s an omniscient perspective, why isn’t the narrative voice contextualizing more of the story for us? Who do the characters think these arrivals are, and what’s at stake in what’s happening?
We need an anchor in the scene to help contextualize the mystery, and pay a great deal of attention to first impressions. Utilize unique and specific details in order to provide a more vivid sense of place and story.
Here’s my redline:
Title: All the King’s Names
Genre: YA fantasy250 words:
Chapter 1: The Idea
“Wait!”
The cry echoed down the narrow, dusty road, barely reaching the town walls. The small town [Vague–where are we entirely?] was quieting down at this time of day [Vague – just tell us what time of day it is]. A lonely song rose from the streets of the civilian section. The barracks were already silent. The loudest sound was the crash of ocean waves against the piers. Shadows covered the streets, and only the tallest roofs were still illuminated in yellow light. [Describe settings fully when they’re first introduced]
¶The gatekeeper, who had been winching the gates closed for the night, looked surprised [Flat description] and turned to Seeker for instructions. [Neither character adequately described] Seeker squinted into the evening gloom past the gates [Strange to only now realize it’s evening]. When he saw who it was, his heart sank [Vague. Holding out on the reader]. “Hold the gates for them.”
The small town was quieting down at this time of day. A lonely song rose from the streets of the civilian section. The barracks were already silent. The loudest sound was the crash of ocean waves against the piers. Shadows covered the streets, and only the tallest roofs were still illuminated in yellow light.As the band of travelers grew nearer [Describe with more specificity], the old gatekeeper’s eyes widened. She shook her head. [Flat and generic gestures] Seeker counted them, then counted again. He sucked in a breath through his teeth. [Holding out on the reader]
“Hey, are you ever gonna be done? Want a hand with the gates?” [Vague questions that compound what we don’t know about the scene] Brogan, Seeker’s second in command, had come up behind them. [Describe] “I was thinking-”
Then hHe saw the party and stopped. [Flat. Not contextualizing what anyone thinks is happening]The lead rider burst through the gates, charging straight past the small group by the gatehouse [What small group? The characters we’ve been with or a different small group? Whose perspective is this?]. Their horses’ hoof beats changed from nearly muted on the dirt track to loud clangs on the cobblestones the instant they crossed into the town.
¶Seeker winced. “Please slow down,” he hissed to the other riders, but they
didn’t hear. Theygalloped into the town with all the subtlety of a pair of mating wyverns. [Better voice]
Thanks again to Elsie!
Need help with your book? I’m available for manuscript edits, query critiques, and coaching!
For my best advice, check out my online classes, my guide to writing a novel and my guide to publishing a book.
And if you like this post: subscribe to my newsletter!
Art: Landschaft bei Cochem an der Mosel by Gottfried Pulian
){kind=link}