Don’t tell us what the plot means, tell us what happens (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to lu2johnson, whose query is below.

Dear Agent,

As I mentioned on Twitter, I’d been planning to sign up to meet you at the Atlanta Writers Conference in May, but hearing that you’re currently open to submissions made me decide not to wait. It’s your interest in fiction that blends storylines that piqued my interest in you. My novel, PANDORA’S PORTRAIT, does just that, reimaging the ancient myth in a modern context.

In PANDORA’S PORTRAIT, artistic savant Paisley Locke jumps at the chance to become curator for troubled painter Cary Taylor in his ancestral Savannah home. Paisley persuades Cary to participate in the local City Gallery show, and he paints a portrait of her as Pandora, the woman who unleashed evil on the world. Paisley’s outraged to be depicted as such a reviled figure. But she recognizes in herself a willful innocence that leads to devastating consequences, a quality she shares with her mythic sister.

As Paisley grows secure in her power, she urges Cary to exceed his limits, unaware that she’s asking more of the fragile artist than he can give. Cary’s final paintings release him from the bonds of his abusive past while catapulting Paisley into success, a gift that secures her future but shatters her innocence.

PANDORA’S PORTRAIT was born of my southern roots, MFA in poetry, BA in art history, and years of experience working with artists in galleries and studios. My novel combines southern fiction’s emphasis on quirky characters and lyrical language with a modern-day re-imagining of the Greek myth—think The Blue Bath meets an accessible Circe.

Attached please find the full synopsis and the first fifty pages as requested. The rest of my 85,000-word novel is ready to go, and I would be very pleased to send you the complete draft.

Sincerely…

This query is an almost textbook example of a query letter that stays at an abstract, zoomed out reserve that obscures the actual plot instead of helping us understand what is actually happening in the novel.

What does Paisley push Cary to do? What Power does she amass? What does “secure her future but shatters her innocence” mean entirely? The actual story is buried underneath abstractions.

Don’t tell the reader what the events in the novel mean to your protagonist in an abstract way. Just tell us what happens. Let the reader draw their own conclusions about what it means.

Don’t play armchair psychologist for your protagonist. Be precise about the plot and what your protagonist actually needs to do as they head toward the climax.

Here’s my redline:

Dear Agent,

As I mentioned on Twitter, I’d been planning to sign up to meet you at the Atlanta Writers Conference in May, but hearing that you’re currently open to submissions made me decide not to wait. It’s your interest in fiction that blends storylines that piqued my interest in you [What novel doesn’t blend storylines?]. My novel, PANDORA’S PORTRAIT, does just that, reimaging reimagines the ancient myth in a modern context.

In PANDORA’S PORTRAIT, aArtistic savant [Be more specific. How does being an “artistic savant” manifest itself in the story?] Paisley Locke jumps at the chance to become a curator for troubled [Vague. Be more specific than “troubled”] painter Cary Taylor in his ancestral Savannah home. Paisley persuades Cary to participate in the local City Gallery show, and he paints a portrait of her as Pandora, the woman who unleashed evil on the world. Paisley’s outraged [Missed opportunity to weave in a more vivid voice] to be depicted as such a reviled figure [I don’t really think of Pandora as being “reviled?”]. But she recognizes in herself a willful innocence that leads to devastating consequences, a quality she shares with her mythic sister [Over-explaining].

As Paisley grows secure in her power [Secure in what power?], she urges Cary to exceed his limits [Summarizing too abstractly. What does she literally urge him to do?], unaware that she’s asking more of the fragile artist him than he can give. Cary’s final paintings release him from the bonds of his abusive past [Summarizing too abstractly. How does this literally manifest itself in the story?] while catapulting Paisley into success [I’m lost. What does this mean? What success? What actually happens?], a gift that secures her future but shatters her innocence. [Telling us what the events mean instead of what actually happens]

PANDORA’S PORTRAIT is an 85,000 word [GENRE] novel. Think The Blue Bath meets an accessible Circe.

PANDORA’S PORTRAIT My novel was born of my southern roots, MFA in poetry, BA in art history, and years of experience working with artists in galleries and studios. My novel combines southern fiction’s emphasis on quirky characters and lyrical language with a modern-day re-imagining of the Greek myth—think The Blue Bath meets an accessible Circe.

Attached please find the full synopsis and the first fifty pages as requested. The rest of my 85,000-word novel is ready to go, and I would be very pleased to send you the complete draft. [Goes without saying]

Sincerely…

Thanks again to lu2johnson!

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Art: Viaduct approaching from the north at night, Savannah, Ga by Anonymous