It pays to be vivid (query critique)

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• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

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And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to emishne, whose query is below.

Dear [agent],

[personalization paragraph]

When eleven-year-old Gal takes a trip with her school to the Western Wall, she scribbles a note wishing her perfect twin sister, Sheera, gone. Gal slips the vengeful wish between the Wall’s cracks and it transforms into an ancient scroll, offering to take her sister off her hands.

Obeying the scroll and entering the Western Wall tunnels, Gal unwittingly frees the demon of destruction, Asmodeus, who summons his army of demons to turn Jerusalem into a demon hive. Now the monsters are everywhere, destroying the Holy Temple and leaving peaceful citizens with no choice but to wear heaps of amulets around their necks to keep the evil spirits at bay. The only way to stop him is to kill a bunch of nasty other demons and journey through Sheol, the subterranean underworld. Gal finds her sister there, and both girls are sure they know the best way to defeat Asmodeus.

If the sisters can work together then they can protect Jerusalem and both get home safe. It turns out Gal has a pretty good aim for shooting Golems with her drone, and Sheera’s isn’t finding life such a breeze in a place where A grades are useless. Here, kindness is what protects you. The more Gal sees how special she is, the more compassion she grows. But if she can’t forgive Sheera fast enough, they’ll be stuck in Sheol forever.

Steeped in ancient Jewish mythology, THE DEMON FROM JERUSALEM is complete at 45,000 words. My book can be described as PERCY JACKSON meets Jewish demons and it will appeal to fans of Roshani Chokshi’s ARU SHAH.

This sounds like a cool project and the query is in reasonably good shape. I can wrap my head around the plot, there’s some voice woven in (particularly in the last paragraph of the plot description), the stakes are clear, and while PERCY JACKSON isn’t a comp to throw around because it’s such a franchise, the comparison ultimately makes sense to me, particularly with a more specific comp like ARU SHAH included.

I mainly just see opportunities for further improvement. There are some moments in the query that feel like missed opportunities where a bit more vividness would make the novel come to life in a more tangible way.

For instance: “Now the monsters are everywhere” could be replaced with something much more specific, like “Now monsters with flesh dangling from their bones are eating their way through Jerusalem’s Old City.” I haven’t read the novel so I don’t know precisely what happens, but you can see that the later creates a more vivid image than the vague and flat “monsters are everywhere.”

Here’s my redline:

Dear [agent],

[personalization paragraph]

When [Consider an adjective to describe her] eleven-year-old Gal takes a school trip with her school to the Western Wall, she scribbles a note wishing her perfect twin sister, Sheera, gone. Gal slips the vengeful wish between the Wall’s cracks and it transforms into an ancient scroll, offering to take her sister off her hands.

Obeying Gal obeys the scroll and entering enters the Western Wall tunnels, Gal unwittingly frees freeing the demon of destruction, Asmodeus, who summons his army of demons [Deleting to avoid three instances of “demon” in one sentence] to turn Jerusalem into a demon hive. Now the monsters are everywhere [Missed opportunity to be more specific/vivid], destroying the Holy Temple and leaving peaceful citizens with no choice but to wear heaps of amulets around their necks to keep the evil spirits at bay. The only way to stop him is to kill a bunch of other nasty other demons [Missed opportunity to be more specific/vivid] and journey through Sheol, the subterranean underworld to [WHAT THEY HAVE TO DO]. Gal finds her sister there, and both girls are sure they know the best way to defeat Asmodeus.

If the sisters can work together [Missed opportunity to be more specific] then they can protect Jerusalem and both get home safe. It turns out Gal has a pretty good aim for shooting Golems with her drone, and Sheera‘s isn’t finding life such a breeze in a place where “A“ grades are useless. Here, and kindness is what protects you. The more Gal sees how special she is, the more her compassion she grows. But if she can’t forgive Sheera fast enough, they’ll be stuck in Sheol forever.

Steeped in ancient Jewish mythology, THE DEMON FROM JERUSALEM is complete at 45,000 words. My book It can be described as PERCY JACKSON meets Jewish demons and it will appeal to fans of Roshani Chokshi’s ARU SHAH.

Thanks again to emishne!

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Art: Jerusalem from the South East by H. A. Brendekilde