Don’t tell an agent what your book is like. Show them. (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to nikburdge, whose query is below.

Dear Sally Agent,

I saw on your MS Wishlist page that you’re looking for atmospheric, character-driven contemporary fantasy. I hope you’ll consider my adult speculative novel, DIVINED, complete at 101,800 words.

Chloe doesn’t like secrets, not since her own secret cost her one of the most important relationships in her life. All she wants now is a quiet life with Marcus, her best friend and roommate. But during a Christmas party, Chloe learns a new secret: she can see “echoes”—ghostly images that appear unexpectedly and expose other people’s secrets. Marcus, too, has acquired a power, visions that reveal the truth behind a person’s lie.

And they aren’t alone. As others empowered by The Divination reckon with their own abilities, Chloe and Marcus must confront the past they’ve long buried, which threatens to reveal things Chloe would rather stay hidden. She has to learn to control the echoes or risk losing the one person she has left.

DIVINED is a dark and propulsive multiple POV book for fans of Peng Shepherd’s The Book of M and Leigh Bardugo’s Ninth House that explores the power of secrets, the blurred lines between truth and delusion, and the danger of pretending that what we don’t know can’t hurt us.

I have an MFA from the University of Akron. When I’m not writing, I work as a medical scientist and enjoy an active inner fantasy life.

Per your submission guidelines, please find below the first ten pages as a sample of my writing. I’m prepared to send the whole manuscript upon request.

The goal of a query letter is to make an agent want to read your novel. The best way to do this is to describe your plot with a great deal of precision and specificity while weaving in voice that gives an agent a sense of what it’s like to read your novel.

When authors have the sense that they might not have quite captured the essence of the novel in their query, they often tack on proclamations like their novel being “dark and propulsive” or even write whole paragraphs delving into themes and assuring the agent that their novel is quite readable and engaging.

You shouldn’t need to tell an agent your novel is “dark and propulsive.” It should just be evident from the plot description.

In this case, as is so common, there’s too much that’s vague here and there are missed opportunities throughout to be more specific and vivid. Not only is it too difficult to understand the plot’s contours, I don’t have a sense of what Chloe and Marcus are like as characters.

Don’t worry about spoilers in a query letter. Be precise about what’s happening, what the characters are trying to do, and what’s ultimately at stake.

Here’s my redline:

Dear Sally Agent,

I saw on your MS Wishlist page that you’re looking for atmospheric, character-driven contemporary fantasy. I hope you’ll consider my adult speculative novel, DIVINED, complete at 101,800 words.

Chloe doesn’t like secrets, not since her own secret cost her one of the most important relationships in her life [Too vague to be meaningful. This could mean almost anything]. All she wants now is a quiet life with Marcus [Missed opportunity to be more specific and tangible. What exactly is a “quiet life” to her?], her best friend and roommate. But during a Christmas party, Chloe learns a new secret: she can see “echoes”—ghostly images that appear unexpectedly and expose other people’s secrets. Marcus, too, has acquired a power, visions that reveal the truth behind a person’s people’s lies.

And they aren’t alone. As others [Other what?] empowered by The Divination [What is this?] reckon with their own abilities [What exactly does it mean to “reckon” with their abilities? What exactly are they trying to do?], Chloe and Marcus must confront the past they’ve long buried [Too vague to be meaningful], which threatens to reveal things Chloe would rather stay hidden [Too vague to be meaningful]. She has to learn to control the echoes or risk losing the one person she has left. [I don’t understand what this means. What is she risking and why? Inadequate setup for the end of the plot description]

DIVINED is a dark and propulsive multiple POV book for [Shouldn’t need to tell the agent it’s “dark and propulsive.” Unless the agent specifies otherwise, they don’t need to know the POV] will appeal to fans of Peng Shepherd’s The Book of M THE BOOK OF M [If you capitalized your own book title, capitalize all book titles] and Leigh Bardugo’s Ninth House NINTH HOUSE that explores the power of secrets, the blurred lines between truth and delusion, and the danger of pretending that what we don’t know can’t hurt us. [Anything you want the agent to know about themes should be woven into the plot description]

I have an MFA from the University of Akron. When I’m not writing, I work as a medical scientist and enjoy an active inner fantasy life.

Per your submission guidelines, please find below the first ten pages as a sample of my writing. I’m prepared to send the whole manuscript upon request. [Goes without saying]

Thanks again to nikburdge!

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Art: Le Rêve by Pierre Puvis de Chavannes