Avoid those little redundancies (page critique)

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• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
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And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Debra, whose page is below:

Title: Trading with Neptune
Genre: Conspiracy Thriller
First 250 words:

Charles George Wordsworth walked to the wall of windows and struck a pose, one guaranteed to showcase his personal dignity, his inherent sense of noblesse oblige.

Twenty-three floors below, the Charles River for which he’d been named, lay frozen, a lumbering serpent arrayed in silvery hue. Fifty-two years ago, while attending the Harvard Business School in Cambridge, Charles had delighted in watching his river change its seasonal garb. But although he liked yellow daffodils and green grass and brown leaves as much as the next guy, his favorite season had always, decidedly, been winter.

Today, in mid-winter, the sun was bright, the clouds scruffy, and the sky a brilliant azure blue. A perfect foil for such a cheerless day, at least it was cheerless for him. Those poor souls pottering along in the streets below believed all was well with the world. That was an illusion that he had no choice but to help them maintain. Soon enough, the light shining in their eyes would darken and like dying stars, splutter out.

Picking up a silver framed vignette of Danielle, his recently deceased wife, he turned from the window and shook his head. According to a recent article in Forbes, he and she had formed the most prosperous partnership of the 20th century and that was going some considering that the competition had been the likes of JD Rockefeller and Andrew Carnegie. The article had given all the credit to Charles, his unparalleled business sense. But the truth was that Danielle had called the shots using astrology.

This is a relatively strong opener, and it does many of the key things a first page needs to accomplish: It creates a strong first impression of a character, there’s enough physical detail that the reader can visualize their surroundings, and it introduces some tension to serve as a intriguing nugget that the reader can start investing in (a man who received credit for an empire largely built by his deceased wife).

I see a few opportunities for improvement. First, while I like the idea of a man striking a pose in front of a wall of windows above a frozen river, the pose itself isn’t really described, and it’s unclear who he’s “showcasing” it to and for what purpose. It’s a solid idea for an opener that isn’t quite landing as sharply as it might.

Secondly, there are some little redundancies in the prose that make the reader experience choppy. These can really add up over the course of the novel and needlessly pad the word count. “serpent arrayed in silvery hue” could just be “silvery serpent.” “azure blue” is redundant, just pick one. “darken like dying stars, splutter out” could just be “splutter out like dying stars.”

Still, directionally this first page is in a strong place. Here’s my redline:

Title: Trading with Neptune
Genre: Conspiracy Thriller
First 250 words:

Charles George Wordsworth walked to the wall of windows and struck a pose [Missed opportunity to be more specific and vivid about the pose], one guaranteed to showcase his personal dignity, his inherent sense of noblesse oblige. [Showcase it to whom?]

Twenty-three floors below, the Charles River, for which he’d been named, lay frozen, a lumbering silvery serpent arrayed in silvery hue. Fifty-two years ago, while attending the Harvard Business School in Cambridge, Charles had delighted in watching his river change its seasonal garb. But although he liked yellow daffodils and green grass and brown leaves as much as the next guy, his favorite season had always, decidedly, been winter.

Today, in mid-winter, tThe sun was bright, the clouds scruffy [Good image], and the sky a brilliant azure blue [pick one]. A perfect foil for such a cheerless day, at least it was cheerless for him [Goes without saying that the POV character is saying it’s cheerless “for him”]. Those poor souls pottering along in the streets below believed all was well with the world. That was, an illusion that he had no choice but to help them maintain. Soon enough, the light shining in their eyes would darken splutter out and like dying stars, splutter out.

Picking He picked up a silver framed vignette of Danielle, his recently deceased wife, [Good crisp context] he and turned from the window and shook his head. According to a recent article in Forbes, he and she had formed had recently named them the most prosperous partnership of the 20th century and that was going some [“that was going some?”] considering that the competition had been the likes of JD Rockefeller and Andrew Carnegie. The article had given all the credit to Charles, his unparalleled business sense [Then why were they named the most prosperous “partnership?”]. But the truth was that Danielle had used astrology to called the shots using astrology.

Thanks again to Debra!

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Art: Winter Landscape with Skaters on a Frozen River by Aert van der Neer