Style isn’t enough (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to jcgower, whose query is below.

Dear [agent],

Limarion magic is a curse. The wards protect us. Your mother’s dead because of you. These truths are central to Avinia’s world, but when she is killed by her step-father and wakes as a Limarion on the wrong side of the wards, she must learn for herself what truths are worth fighting for. Worthy dying for.

At Avinia’s side walks Kallan, a warrior who gave up his crown and stays to the shadows, protecting those he loves. Old magic flows through his bloodline and a call to keep Avinia safe sounds in his soul. But if he cannot control his own growing powers, he may prove to be more of a danger than a help in her quest.

Four hundred years ago, the Rivenire overthrew the old gods who terrorized the lands. When Avinia wakes in Rivenire, she finds herself the target of Erebos, an old god who seeks to reclaim his throne. Because of the old magic that courses through her veins, he needs her to regain his rule. Whether she lives or dies in the process matters little to him.

SWORD OF BONE is YA fantasy dual narrative at approximately 90,000 words that will be the first in a duology. The tension stemming from complicated relationships and high stakes will appeal to readers who enjoy the worldbuilding of Throne of Glass, the battles of The Red Queen, and the angst-ridden relationships of Shatter Me

When I am not writing, I am wrangling my four and three year old, reading, or teaching my ‘big kids’ in an eighth grade English classroom. SWORD OF BONE was written during mealtimes and after bedtime as the characters and story refused to be quiet, disregarding my love of sleep. It is my hope that it will immerse readers in the world of the Rivenire, keeping them up far past their bedtime as they escape into a world of magic, swords, and mischievous creatures who are always more than they seem.

Thank you so much for your time.

This query has all the vibes of recently published YA fantasy. I can tell that this author is definitely up to speed and well-versed in the genre, and there are some good story elements peeking through.

My main concern with this query is that it’s not transcending the vibes and getting the substance of the story onto the page. Nearly every single line feels like a missed opportunity to weave in more specificity around the setting and plot. We don’t have enough context to understand the unfamiliar concepts that are introduced.

Even in multiple POV novels, it’s usually helpful to contextualize the plot from one character’s POV in the query, otherwise it can feel like a bit of a mishmash. Here, it’s a bit confusing to bounce between three different characters, and I’d consider just sticking with Avina.

Specificity doesn’t have to mean a much longer query. If you swap out what’s vague in this query with more precise details around the magic, antagonists, and what the protagonists ultimately have to do, the story can come to life in roughly the same number of words.

Here’s my redline:

Dear [agent],

[Insert personalized tidbit about the agent to show that you researched them individually]

Limarion magic is a curse. The wards protect us. Your mother’s dead because of you. [These italicized opening sentences are really vague and don’t tell us very much] These truths are central to Avinia’s world, but when she is killed by her step-father [Missed opportunity to be more tangible/specific] and wakes as a Limarion on the wrong side of the wards [Because the opening was so vague, we still don’t know what Limarions and wards are], she must learn for herself what truths are worth fighting and dying for [Extremely vague. What truths are those?]. Worthy dying for.

At Avinia’s side walks Kallan, a warrior who gave up his crown and stays to the shadows, protecting those he loves [Vague. What shadows? Who is “those he loves” referring to?]. Old magic flows through his bloodline [How does this manifest itself?] and a call to keep Avinia safe sounds in his soul. But if he cannot control his own growing powers [What powers?], he may prove to be more of a danger than a help in her quest [How does this danger manifest itself?].

Four hundred years ago, the Rivenire [Who are what is Rivenire?] overthrew the old gods who terrorized the lands. When Avinia wakes in Rivenire [I’m confused, it’s a place?], she finds herself the target of Erebos, an old god who seeks to reclaim his throne [The throne of what?]. Because of the old magic that courses through her veins [Vague], he needs her to regain his rule [Why specifically?]. Whether she lives or dies in the process matters little to him. [Confusing that Erebos gets the last word here rather the protagonists. What do Avina and Kallan ultimately have to do?]

SWORD OF BONE is YA fantasy dual narrative [Unless otherwise specified, not necessary to state the POV] at approximately 90,000 words that will be the first in a duology could be the first in a series [It’s important to convey flexibility with potential series]. The tension stemming from complicated relationships and high stakes It will appeal to readers who enjoty the worldbuilding of Throne of Glass, the battles of The Red Queen, and the angst-ridden relationships of Shatter Me

When I am not writing, I am wrangling my four and three year old, reading, or teaching my ‘big kids’ in an eighth grade English classroom. SWORD OF BONE was written during mealtimes and after bedtime as the characters and story refused to be quiet, disregarding my love of sleep. It is my hope that it will immerse readers in the world of the Rivenire, keeping them up far past their bedtime as they escape into a world of magic, swords, and mischievous creatures who are always more than they seem. [Don’t this adds much that hasn’t already been conveyed]

Thank you so much for your time.

Thanks again to jcgower!

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Art: En riddare red fram by John Bauer