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And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Kermit1941, whose page is below:
¬¬¬¬Coming into Power
Chapter 1: Prologue: Introducing the lead characters:
Helen sat between her close friends, Slim, and Geova in Slim’s ancient white camper truck with the smooth front bench seat, which Slim had inherited from his grandfather. Every time they rode in that truck, Slim had apologized for the noise it made. She ignored his apology and enjoyed daydreaming about their music performance together that evening. She considered Geova to be the best fiddle player she had ever heard, and Slim’s guitar music always sounded perfect. The three of them made an excellent team. None of them had any way of knowing about the bolt of energy that would soon dramatically transform their lives and which was now at a distance approximately equal to six times the distance to the orbit of the planet Neptune.
She held their performance advertisement flyers on her lap. Slim had done a really good job when he designed this one. Their name, “Vocal Strings”, almost seemed to jump out. She liked the way he used musical notes to make up the letters. Below their band name were pictures of the three of them. Geova, being the blond handsome guy, stood slightly behind and between them. She ran her fingers over the three figures in the picture, tracing out Geova’s wavy blond hair, Slim’s curly black hair, and her own long straight light brown hair.
When she had first met Slim and Geova, she had asked them about the origin of their names. Slim had said, “My name reflects a distant past. In Holland, it means that I am smart.” He smiled as he said this.
While I liked that we open with a sense of where we are with the description of the old white camper truck, I found this opening quite flat overall.
There’s nothing pressing that seems like it’s on Helen’s mind at the start of this scene or anything she feels like she needs to do. The performance the night before is described very vaguely, and lacks a sense of what’s at stake for them. Describing the characters’ physical description via the flier feels a bit contrived.
There’s nothing really happening here. It’s just an information drop, signaled by the note with the prologue that it’s just “introducing” the lead characters. But static introductions where nothing is happening and nothing at stake invariably fall flat.
The author seems to sense this and smushes in a screaming “I PROMISE SOMETHING INTERESTING WILL HAPPEN” via a mouthful of a sentence that describes a bolt of lightning farther away than Neptune, which lands with a cloying thud.
Instead of stepping on an eventual surprise via a non-sequitur, consider introducing a mini-quest, crystalize the stakes, and give the protagonist something to do.
Most importantly: think a great deal about the first impression you’re giving the reader. Think in terms of how you can craft an engaging scene, not just the information you think you need to impart.
Here’s my redline:
¬¬¬¬Coming into Power
Chapter 1: Prologue: Introducing the lead characters:
Helen sat between her close friends, Slim, and Geova, in
Slim’sthe ancient white camper truck with the smooth front bench seat, whichthat Slim had inherited from his grandfather. Every time they rode in that truck, Slimhadapologized for the noise it made.¶She
ignored his apology and enjoyed daydreamingdaydreamed about their musical performancetogetherthat evening.She consideredGeovato bewas the best fiddle player she had ever heard, and Slim’s guitarmusicalways sounded perfect.The three of themThey made an excellent team.None of them had any way of knowing about the bolt of energy that would soon dramatically transform their lives and which was now at a distance approximately equal to six times the distance to the orbit of the planet Neptune.[This is both a mouthful as a sentence and feels like a needless step on a surprise. And whose perspective is this?]She held their performance advertisement flyers on her lap. Slim had done a really good job
when he designeddesigning this one. Their name, “Vocal Strings”, almost seemed to jump out [Almost seems to jump out of what? Describe with more precision]. She liked the way he used musical notes to make up the letters. Below their band name were their picturesof the three of them. Geova,beingthe blond handsome guy, stood slightly behindand betweenthem. She ran her fingers over thethree figures in thepicture, tracingoutGeova’s wavy blond hair, Slim’s curly black hair, and her own long straight light brown hair. [This feels like a forced way of describing everyone]When she had first met Slim and Geova [Why not more context for how/when/where they met?], she had asked them about the origin of their names. Slim had said, “My name reflects a distant past. In Holland, it means that I am smart.” He smiled
as he said this.
Thanks again to Kermit1941!
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Art: Still life with jewels violin globe and book by Anonymous
JOHN T. SHEA says
nteresting. The calm before the storm. I rather liked the sense of the ordinary world oblivious to the momentous event headed its way. If this were the first page of a novel I was reading I would of course have read its blurb and other information but even this isolated first page would entice me to read on. Of course, I would expect the world to get rather EXTRA-ordinary quite soon!
Thanks to Kermit1941 and Nathan.