If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to KTOEngen, whose query is below.
Dear [Agent],
[Insert personalized or at least research-based connecting point]
Twelve-year-old Winx Muller never outgrew dinosaurs. He’s got the wall art, book stash, and paleontologist autographs to prove it. But his panicky dislike of dirty things means a life spent digging up fossils may never be. And with his parents missing while his older sister, Marta, deals with some mystery illness, Winx doesn’t expect to leave Aunt Lena’s house anytime soon. But while poking around his great-aunt’s storage closet Winx finds a pair of super-smelly socks that sing promises of Time Travel. Suddenly the future – and the past – are wide open.
Winx and Marta try everything (even research!) to see Mesozoic dinosaurs. But rules like ‘Take nothing, leave nothing in other times’ and ‘Return to your time in under 30 minutes’ are harder to follow than expected. And the Time-Space Continuum does not play. Stumbling through unpredictable fossil-hunting hot spots, Winx gets covered with pig snot and mud in colonial America, chased by men with explosives in Victorian England, tracked by an ancient native in the desert Southwest, and almost drowned in British Colonial India. And bungling time travel rules leaves Winx with bumps, bruises, and a potentially busted-up future. Still determined to reach the Mesozoic, the siblings test new theories and try bolder methods that take them back, beyond, and through the evolution of paleontology. Along the way (and no thanks to suddenly-so-secretive Aunt Lena), they unearth clues about their parents’ disappearance and a potential cure for Marta.
WINX THINKS – DINOSAURS (25,000 words) is a middle-grade time travel fantasy for readers who like fast-paced fantasy romps seasoned with dollops of science and history. The story stands alone but could expand to a series.
I’ve written books for emergent middle grade readers with Rigby Literacy, Capstone Press, and others as well as a nonfiction picture book for the Smithsonian Institution. See my About page for other work that includes guest blogging about kidlit, reviewing for Children’s Literature (CLCD), and publishing educational materials.Thank you for your time and consideration of my work.
The structure of this query feels strong and I like that it has some jaunty energy to it, but I still have a few concerns.
I’m not sure our first impression of Winx is very sharp. “Never outgrew” seems like something an adult would say about a child rather than a child’s view of themselves. How would Winx phrase his love of dinosaurs? Keep his voice front and center, particularly when it’s a crucial first impression.
While some voice comes through over the course of the plot description, I found the writing a bit clunky at times and some sentences seemed written in a needlessly convoluted way.
But maybe most importantly, I didn’t fully understand what Winx and his sister were trying to do over the course of the novel and what’s at stake. Why would they prioritize using the time machine to research the Mesozoic when they have missing parents they could be investigating? Why are they bouncing around in colonial history so much?
When lists of events that happen in the novel aren’t connected to what the protagonist is trying to achieve, they can feel more like a bunch of random moments rather than a coherent story unfolding. Try to weave your characters’ goals into the query letter to give the agent more of a sense of the destination and the “spine” of the plot.
Here’s my redline.
Dear [Agent],
[Insert personalized or at least research-based connecting point]
Twelve-year-old Winx Muller
never outgrewloves dinosaurs. [This feels like an adult’s perspective of a child. Is this the first impression you want to strike?]He’s gotand has thewallart [If you say art I’m going to assume it’s on a wall unless otherwise specified], book stash, and paleontologist autographs to prove it. But his panicky dislike of dirty things means a life spent digging up fossils may never be.And with hHis parents are missing [A little more context here?] while his older sister, Marta, deals with some mystery illness, and Winx doesn’t expect to leave his great-Aaunt Lena’s house anytime soon. Butwhile poking around his great-aunt’s storage closetWinx finds a pair of super-smelly socks in his aunt’s closet that sing promises of Time Travel. Suddenly the future – and the past – are wide open.Winx and Marta try everything (even research!) [I don’t understand what you mean by this] to see Mesozoic dinosaurs [Why do they want to see Mesozoic dinosaurs so badly? What’s the goal here?]. But rules like ‘Take nothing, leave nothing in other times’ and ‘Return to your time in under 30 minutes’ are harder to follow than they expected. And the Time-Space Continuum does not play.
StumblingWinx stumbles through unpredictable fossil-hunting hot spots, Winxand gets covered with pig snot and mud in colonial America, is chased by men with explosives in Victorian England, tracked by an ancient native in the desert Southwest, and almost drowneds in British Colonial India. [This feels like a list of ingredients. What is Winx actually trying to accomplish while all of this happens?]And bBungling the time travel rules leaves Winx with bumps, bruises, and a potentially busted-up future [What about it is busted-up? Don’t worry about spoilers and be more specific]. Still determined to reach the Mesozoic [Why?], the siblings test new theories and try bolder methods that take them back [Be more specific. Theories about what? What method?], beyond, and through the evolution of paleontology. Along the way (and no thanks to suddenly-so-secretive Aunt Lena), they unearth clues about their parents’ disappearance and a potential cure for Marta.WINX THINKS – DINOSAURS [I don’t understand the hyphen in the title?] (25,000 words) [25k is a bit short for middle grade] is a middle-grade time
travel fantasyscience fiction novel [Time travel usually means science fiction]for readers who like fast-paced fantasy romps seasoned with dollops of science and history[These kinds of descriptors never really worked for me when I was an agent. The flavor of the novel should just be apparent from the plot description]. [Consider including comps] The story stands alone but could expand to a series.I’ve written books for emergent middle grade readers with Rigby Literacy, Capstone Press, and others as well as a nonfiction picture book for the Smithsonian Institution. See my About page for other work that includes guest blogging about kidlit, reviewing for Children’s Literature (CLCD), and publishing educational materials.
Thank you for your time and consideration of my work.
Thanks again to KTOEngen!
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Art: Country of the Iguanodon by John Martin
T B says
I’m curious about the dirt phobia. That was a compelling tension for me early in the description—a kid with a desire to be an archaeologist who is horribly disgusted by dirt. Is that a major plot point? I wondered if it would come up again when the pig snot debacle was mentioned, but it didn’t. It feels a little disjointed to me to mention it at the top but not again despite the obvious (literal) messes Winx gets himself into. I’d love to hear more about that if it’s relevant, or not hear about it at all.