The specifics are everything (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to billparker23, whose query is below.

To whom it may concern:

I am seeking representation for my 105,000 word, legal fiction work, “The School Shooter”, a story that follows a young Appleton, Oregon lawyer, Lincoln Kennedy, as he represents the school shooter, Jack Carson, an Appleton High School history teacher.

Jack persuades the Appleton school board to allow teachers to carry a handgun in Appleton schools. While walking down the school hallway, Jack spots a boy in his classroom pointing an AR-15 at another boy and believes he is going to shoot. He pulls out his handgun and fires into the classroom killing the boy with the AR-15 and accidently wounding the other boy. Jack is arrested and charged with murder and attempted murder. Although this is his first murder case, Lincoln is appointed by the court to represent Jack. Jack, an Iraq war veteran, suffers from PTSD and Lincoln believes Jack‘s illness contributed to his shooting.

There is romance in the story. There is also mystery, as Lincoln’s and his co-counsel, Steve Simonson’s, lives are threatened by two men who were hired by an unknown person.

The day before Jack’s trial, Steve is run off the road and shot. Jack’s trial is postponed. Lincoln brings in Emily Carter to replace Steve. When the trial takes place, it ends in a hung jury. After negotiating, Jack agrees to plead guilty to two greatly reduced charges. On the day of Jack’s sentencing, he is shot and killed by an unknown person in a black SUV.

Two years pass. The unknown person who hired the two men to harass Lincoln and Steve, to attempt to kill Steve and who persuaded someone to shoot and kill Jack is revealed.

Although I have been writing all my life, this is my first novel. I am an Oregon trial attorney, with 40 years trial experience, which provides me with a wealth of interesting stories. I have published one article in our Oregon Bar Bulletin.

Please let me know if you would like to see a synopsis, selected chapters or a manuscript of the entire novel. Thank you for your consideration.

Specificity, specificity, specificity.

If you’ve been reading these query critiques for a while, you know this is one of the absolute most important things to get right in a query letter.

Telling us “there is romance in the story” is about as flat and vague as it possibly gets. We learn almost nothing from that, and are made to feel nothing. What actually happens in this particular novel? What actually happens when Jack and Steve are threatened? There’s very little here that’s specific and individualized. I’m not getting a sense of voice and what these characters are like.

Don’t just tell us what’s in the novel. Describe the events in a vivid way. We need more like “Steve is run off the road and shot,” which is way more tangible and specific, than something vague like “is threatened” or “attacked.” Draw upon more of the characters’ voices to give a sense of flavor and personality.

Lastly, don’t worry about spoilers in a query letter. We don’t necessarily need to know how a novel ends, but we do need to understand what the protagonist is up against and what’s at stake as we head toward the climax.

Here’s my redline:

To whom it may concern:

[Insert personalized tidbit about the agent to show that you researched them individually]. I am seeking representation for my 105,000 word, legal fiction work suspense novel [“legal fiction work” isn’t really a genre. Is it a legal thriller? Legal suspense?], “The School Shooter”, THE SCHOOL SHOOTER. [Capitalize (preferred) or italicize book titles] a story that follows a young Appleton, Oregon lawyer, Lincoln Kennedy, as he represents the school shooter, Jack Carson, an Appleton High School history teacher. [We don’t need a meta-summary before the plot description]

Appleton High School history teacher and Iraq War veteran Jack Carson persuades the Appleton school board to allow teachers to carry a handguns in Appleton schools. [INSERT HOW MUCH TIME HAS ELAPSED], While walking down the school hallway, Jack spots a boy in his classroom pointing an AR-15 at another boy and believes he is going to shoot. He pulls out his handgun and fires into the classroom, killing the boy with the AR-15 and accidently accidentally wounding the other boy another. Jack is arrested and charged with murder and attempted murder.

Although this is his first murder case, Young Appleton lawyer Lincoln Kennedy is appointed by the court to represent Jack. Jack, an Iraq war veteran, suffers from PTSD and Lincoln believes Jack‘s illness PTSD contributed to his shooting. There is romance in the story. [Either show what’s happening here with more specificity or don’t include it] There is also mystery [Show this], as Lincoln’s and his co-counsel, Steve Simonson’s, lives are threatened by two men [BE MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT WHAT THEY DO] who were hired by an unknown person. [Extremely vague. What actually happened here? Missed opportunity to weave in more vividness] The day before Jack’s trial, Steve is run off the road and shot. Jack’s trial is postponed. Lincoln brings in Emily Carter to replace Steve. When the trial takes place, it ends in a hung jury. After negotiating, but Jack eventually agrees to plead guilty to two greatly reduced charges. On the day of Jack’s sentencing, he is shot and killed by an unknown person in a black SUV.

Two years pass. The unknown person who hired the two men to harass Lincoln and Steve, to attempt to kill Steve and who persuaded someone to shoot and kill Jack is revealed. [Extremely vague and flat. What does Lincoln ultimately have to do as he heads toward the climax? You don’t need to reveal how the novel ultimately ends, but we should have a sense of the protagonist’s “quest” over the course of the novel and what’s at stake]

Although I have been writing all my life, tThis is my first novel. I am an Oregon trial attorney, with 40 years trial experience, which provides me with a wealth of interesting stories. [Nearly everyone who is querying has been writing for a long time and has interesting stories. Stick to what makes you unique] I have published one article in our Oregon Bar Bulletin.

Please let me know if you would like to see a synopsis, selected chapters or a manuscript of the entire novel. Thank you for your consideration.

Thanks again to billparker23!

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Art: Mount Hood – William Samuel Parrott