You gotta be succinct (query critique)

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• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
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Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to denizb33, whose query is below.

Dear [Agent],

I have chosen to query you because [xyz]

Mawdlen was born on King Arthur’s grave.

That is the story her father told her, along with legends of the King and his daring knights, who fell afoul of lovely maidens and fought their way through perils back into grace and favour. Then the battles of the kings of her own time begin anew, and Master Cunnick packs up his household and brings them to the teeming, reeking city of London. After some years, though the Wars of the Roses continue, their own hardships ease as Master Cunnick finds a measure of success as a merchant. One day, delivering her father’s noon meal at his warehouse, Mawdlen meets a young sailor named Santiago. He wins her heart, because he too speaks of knights and of errantry, but he is not yet master of his own ship, and when his captain sails, he must leave, too.

The years pass and Mawdlen is now over late to be married, but she fancies none of her suitors, no matter how many fetes and dances she attends at the home of wealthier friends. Wealthier, because Master Cunnick’s fortune has failed him, and every day the family’s luck and prosperity dwindle further and her father sinks into dissolution. Mawdlen finds an opportunity to help and, unbeknownst to her family, begins to deliver goods for a back street merchant, not a member of any guild. She is unaware of the other businesses operating from the establishment.

Santiago, having finally achieved his fortune – a ship to call his own – and returning to claim his long-awaited maiden, sees Mawdlen emerge from the back door of the merchant’s and assumes the worst. But the fate that brought them together is too strong to be thwarted. They meet again at a costume party, where, despite their masks, their loving hearts each recognise the other. They must rescue both themselves and Mawdlen’s family from the clutches of the wily merchant and his nefarious gang, before they can deem all perils vanquished, and be free to celebrate the bliss of their union in marriage.

CAPTIVE OF THE SEA is a historical complete at 59,000 words.

My contemporary romance Summer Fire (Carina Press) and my short story “One to Another” in the Insecure Writer’s Support Group anthology Dark Matter: Artificial (Dancing Lemur Press) are available now; my paranormal romance Druid’s Moon is scheduled to be published in September 2022 (Dancing Lemur Press). I have lived and worked in Canada, Switzerland, and Turkey, and my non-fiction work, including travel articles, book reviews and personal essays, has appeared in the trilingual (English, French, and Turkish) newspaper Bizim Anadolu. My short story ‘Where There’s Life’ was shortlisted for the Surrey (Canada) International Writers’ Conference Storyteller’s Award in 2013. I blog about writing, reading, and travel at http://www.thegirdleofmelian.blogspot.com.

Thank you for your consideration.

DB33

Agents don’t have all day to read query letters, and it’s really important to be mindful of their time by being succinct. As with any marketing copy, it’s also difficult to be engaging when things are meandering and include superfluous details. I highly recommend queries clock in at no more than 350 words, including the personalization and comps.

This query? 480 words without personalization or comps. And it shows.

There’s quite a bit of excess verbiage here and an overall lack of focus. It’s not a bad starting place, and sometimes it’s helpful to just get the events onto the page, but it’s crucial to then have some really serious gut checks around what’s actually essential to include. Pare back, then pare back some more. Focus, condense, and make every word count. My changes pared the word count from 480 words to 337 words.

Also, particularly when one character dominates the action, as Mawdlen seems to here, it’s helpful to contextualize the plot from that character’s POV. We jump around when it would read more smoothly if we mainly stuck with Mawdlen.

Lastly, while the overall tone of the novel feels like it comes through, Mawdlen’s personality feels a bit lost and she mainly seems defined by the male characters. Can more of her voice be woven into the query so we can get more of a sense of what she’s like? (Her plot line also seems, well, a bit maudlin, which doesn’t strike the best first impression. Are you sure you want to reinforce that by calling her “Mawdlen?”)

Here’s my redline:

Dear [Agent],

I have chosen to query you because [xyz]

Mawdlen was born on King Arthur’s grave. At least, Tthat is the story her father Master Cunnick told her, along with legends of the King and his daring knights, who fell afoul of lovely maidens and fought their way through perils back into grace and favour. TWhen the battles of the kings of her own time [which is when?] begin anew with the Wars of the Roses, and Master Cunnick packs up their his [Keep the perspective as consistent as possible in a query. If this is mainly Mawdlens’s novel, contextualize from her perspective] household and brings them to for the teeming, reeking city of London. After some years, though the Wars of the Roses continue, their own hardships ease as Master Cunnick finds a measure of success as a merchant. [This detail doesn’t seem particularly important at this stage]

¶One day, delivering her father’s noon meal at his warehouse, Mawdlen meets a young sailor named Santiago. He who wins her heart [Missed opportunity to weave in more voice and specificity], because he too speaks speaking of knights and of errantry, b. But he is not yet master of his own ship, and when his captain sails, he must leave, too.The y Years pass and Mawdlen is now over late to be married, but she fancies none of her suitors, no matter how many fetes and dances she attends at the home of wealthier friends. Wealthier, because Master Cunnick’s fortune has failed him, and e Every day the Her family’s luck and prosperity dwindle further and her father sinks into dissolution. Mawdlen finds an opportunity to help and, uUnbeknownst to her family, Mawdlen begins to deliver goods for a back street merchant, not a member of any guild. She is unaware of the other businesses operating from the establishment.

Santiago, having finally achieved his fortune – secured a ship to call his own – and, returnings to claim his long-awaited maiden, but he sees Mawdlen emerge from the merchant’s back door of the merchant’s and assumes the worst. But the fate that brought them together is too strong to be thwarted. Tthey meet again at a costume party, where, despite their masks, their loving hearts each recognise the each other despite their masks. They must rescue both themselves and Mawdlen’s family from the clutches of the wily merchant and his nefarious gang, before they can deem all perils vanquished, and be free to celebrate the bliss of their union in marriage.

CAPTIVE OF THE SEA is a historical fiction novel, complete at 59,000 words [59,000 words is very short for historical fiction]. [Consider including comps]

My contemporary romance Summer Fire (Carina Press) and my short story “One to Another” in the Insecure Writer’s Support Group anthology Dark Matter: Artificial (Dancing Lemur Press) are available now; my paranormal romance Druid’s Moon is scheduled to be published in September 2022 (Dancing Lemur Press). I have lived and worked in Canada, Switzerland, and Turkey, and my non-fiction work, including travel articles, book reviews and personal essays, has appeared in the trilingual (English, French, and Turkish) newspaper Bizim Anadolu. My short story ‘Where There’s Life’ was shortlisted for the Surrey (Canada) International Writers’ Conference Storyteller’s Award in 2013. I blog about writing, reading, and travel at http://www.thegirdleofmelian.blogspot.com.

Thank you for your consideration.

DB33

http://www.thegirdleofmelian.blogspot.com

Here’s how the query reads with my changes:

I have chosen to query you because [xyz]

Mawdlen was born on King Arthur’s grave. At least, that is the story her father Master Cunnick told her. When the battles of the kings of her own time begin anew with the Wars of the Roses, Master Cunnick packs up their household for the teeming, reeking city of London.

One day, Mawdlen meets a young sailor named Santiago who wins her heart speaking of knights and of errantry. But he is not yet master of his own ship, and when his captain sails, he must leave. Years pass and Mawdlen is late to be married, but she fancies none of her suitors, no matter how many dances she attends at the home of wealthier friends. Her family’s luck and prosperity dwindle. Unbeknownst to her family, Mawdlen begins to deliver goods for a back street merchant, unaware of the other businesses operating from the establishment.

Santiago, having finally secured a ship to call his own, returns to claim his long-awaited maiden, but he sees Mawdlen emerge from the merchant’s back door and assumes the worst. But they meet again at a costume party, where their loving hearts recognise each other despite their masks. They must rescue Mawdlen’s family from the clutches of the wily merchant and his nefarious gang before they can be free to celebrate the bliss of their union.

CAPTIVE OF THE SEA is a historical fiction novel, complete at 59,000 words. [Consider including comps]

My contemporary romance Summer Fire (Carina Press) and my short story “One to Another” in the Insecure Writer’s Support Group anthology Dark Matter: Artificial (Dancing Lemur Press) are available now; my paranormal romance Druid’s Moon is scheduled to be published in September 2022 (Dancing Lemur Press). I have lived in Canada, Switzerland, and Turkey, and my non-fiction work has appeared in the trilingual newspaper Bizim Anadolu. My short story ‘Where There’s Life’ was shortlisted for the Surrey (Canada) International Writers’ Conference Storyteller’s Award in 2013.

Thank you for your consideration.

Thanks again to denizb33!

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Art: Sanctuary by Richard Burchett