Establish who is present at the start of a scene (page critique)

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And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to chuckmall, whose page is below.

Title: Lena, Wild Girl on the Prairie
Genre: Middle-grade fiction

The snake was the last straw.

Lena and her family had traveled over a more rutted road than Lena could ever remember riding. The constant bouncing was annoying.

Even worse, it made the two babies squall.

Lena’s little sister Ida kept wanting Lena to play “finger game” with her, which was boring because it was not really a game. It was simply a four-year-old playing with Lena’s fingers. At least Ida was quiet now. If not, that would have meant three screaming little girls.

Gene got to sit in the front seat of the wagon with Hiram, their stepfather, just because he was a boy. Lena and Ma sat inside the wagon, next to the little ones, not catching a breeze, and trying to endure the bumping.

Then there was the snake.

A big snake, acting queer, writhed in front of the wagon–led by Lena and Gene’s horses–which caused the horses to rear up and stomp. Usually a snake would crawl away.

“Maybe it’s sick,” Gene commented.

“I hate to waste a bullet on the thing,” Hiram grumbled.

Lena scooted to the front of the wagon to look.

Hiram yanked his head toward her. “Get back there and quieten those babies,” he said.

She was not important to him, except to work. Lena decided to jump out of the back of the wagon and look at the snake. Hiram continued to try controlling the horses and keep the wagon from shaking too much.

I love a good snake encounter as much as the next person and there are some promising elements here, but I found this opening page a bit discombobulated.

“The snake was the last straw” is a bit more coy and vague than I personally would favor for an opening line, but some readers enjoy a teaser at the start of a novel so I defer to the author on that.

After that, I found the scene-setting unfocused and inadequate. It’s difficult to visualize our surroundings and where we are entirely (it’s not even really clear what kind of a wagon this is), and who is present in the scene isn’t cleanly established. It’s a bit difficult to make out who’s who, and the horses are unceremoniously crammed into an action line.

Maybe most importantly, it’s not clear where they’re going and why what’s happening matters. In other words: the stakes are missing. It’s hard to grasp how much this diversion matters to Lena and her family. Are they late for something important? Is this just an idle encounter?

Particularly in a novel where the setting really matters to the narrative (and it presumably does here given the title of the book), it’s so important to immerse the reader in the setting from the start. Help us get our bearings and orient us around where we are, where we’re going and who’s present, then you can get on with the scene.

And I like that Lena is active in this scene, but make sure the reader has a sense of what’s motivating the protagonist from the very start.

Here’s my redline:

Title: Lena, Wild Girl on the Prairie
Genre: Middle-grade fiction

The snake was the last straw.

Lena and her family had traveled over a more rutted road than Lena could ever remember riding. [Where are we entirely? Help us visualize the surroundings and immerse us in the setting] The wagon’s constant bouncing [The bouncing of what? Be more specific to help us immediately visualize] was annoying. [Missed opportunity to weave in more voice. Avoid naming universal emotions. And help us understand where they’re going, what Lena wants from this scene, and what’s at stake]

Even worse, it made the two babies squall.

[DESCRIBE THE WAGON AND EVERYONE WHO IS PRESENT IN THE SCENE, INCLUDING THE HORSES]. Gene, [Contextualize who he is], got to sit in the front seat of the wagon with Hiram, their stepfather, just because he was a boy. Lena and Ma sat inside the wagon, next to the little ones [Be more specific], not catching a breeze, and trying to endure the bumping.

Lena’s little sister Ida kept wanting Lena to play “finger game” with her, which was boring because it was not really a game. It was simply, just a four-year-old playing with Lena’s fingers. At least Ida was quiet now. If not, that would have meant three screaming little girls.

Gene got to sit in the front seat of the wagon with Hiram, their stepfather, just because he was a boy. Lena and Ma sat inside the wagon, next to the little ones, not catching a breeze, and trying to endure the bumping.

Then there was the snake.

A big snake, acting queer [Evident from context], writhed in front of the wagon–led by Lena and Gene’s horses– [Really awkward insertion], which caused the horses to rear up and stomp. Usually a snake would crawl away.

“Maybe it’s sick,” Gene commented said. [Stick to said and asked as much as possible]

“I hate to waste a bullet on the thing,” Hiram grumbled.

Lena scooted to the front of the wagon to look.

Hiram yanked his head toward her. [Empty gesture] “Get back there and quieten those babies,” he said.

She was not important to him, except to work [Work at what? Be more specific and open up the novel for the reader]. Lena decided to jumped out of the back of the wagon and to look at the snake. Hiram continued to try controlling the horses and keep the wagon from shaking too much. [This feels like a perspective jump over to Hiram. Lena is aware of him doing this?]

Thanks again to chuckmall!

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Art: Detail of Still life with Insects and Amphibians by Otto Marseus van Schrieck