If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in our discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to SonjaMcG, whose page is below.
The Warren House Ghost
YA (I think or older MG)Lizzy held the blade against her left hand. It glistened with the speckled rays of the morning sun coming through the window. Tired. She was so tired. Tired of not sleeping and never being good enough. She wasn’t like them. She couldn’t do anything the way a proper Warren would. As she stared at the knife, she realized that she couldn’t even kill herself properly. She wondered how a Warren would do that.
Startled by an unexpected shout from her sister Maria, Lizzy dropped the knife. She reached out to catch it but the blade sliced her palm. “Darnit!”
Lizzy pulled her bleeding hand to her chest. “What are you doing home?”
“What the…” Maria ran to the sink, grabbed a paper towel and rushed back to Lizzy. She applied pressure to Lizzy’s hand then brushed Lizzy’s red hair out of her face. “What the hell do you think you’re trying to do? Kill yourself?”
The cut hurt, especially with Maria holding it so tightly. Lizzy gasped but it came out rather like a giggle.
“This isn’t funny. You could have killed yourself.”
“I couldn’t do it.”
“That’s not what it looked like to me.”
Lizzy groaned the misunderstood groan of all youth, raised her eyes and sweetly said, “You saved me.”
“Jesus, Lizzy, I can’t watch over you anymore.”
Maria, still applying pressure, helped Lizzy get up. Lizzy staggered, a bit woozy from lack of sleep, or perhaps it was from the blood. It was so bright, so red.
There’s some nascent voice in this opening page, but I couldn’t help but feel that nearly everything felt rushed and abrupt:
- Where are we entirely? I struggled to get my bearings in the opening paragraph. The morning sun is coming through what window? Where did Maria come from? Help the reader understand where we are and give us the information we need to visualize our surroundings. Don’t only belatedly arrive at the context that we’re at “home.”
- We’re missing context. Lizzy is tired of not being good enough at what? Lizzy isn’t like who? What is a “proper Warren?”
- We’re seeing a character take a very extreme step without having a sense of what easier off-ramps they’ve tried. It can feel confusing and abrupt to see a character start off by dialing things up to “11” right off the bat without a sense of what might have led to this moment. Okay, Lizzy is obviously in distress, but what else has she done before this? Why does she think this is her best and only option? How did she arrive here? How is she thinking through her choices?
- An adult’s perspective creeps into the narrative voice. “Lizzy groaned the misunderstood groan of all youth” – this is an adult’s view of children, and a condescending one at that. Don’t let an adult POV creep into a children’s novel. Write for how children see themselves.
- The author doesn’t know the genre. It’s crucial to know where your book will sit on bookshelves and who else is writing in your zone.
In the end, I worry this page feels like it’s relying on dialogue too much and trying too hard to grab us with a dramatic moment rather than being a bit more patient, setting the scene, helping us understand how the protagonist is thinking through her choices, and easing us into the story.
Here’s my redline:
The Warren House Ghost
YA (I think or older MG)Lizzy held the blade [be more specific about the kind of blade to help the reader visualize] against her left hand. It glistened with the speckled rays of the morning sun coming through the window [Where are we entirely].
Tired.She was so tired. Tiredof not sleeping and never being good enough [Good enough at what? Be more specific]. She wasn’t like them [Who is “them?” Be more specific]. She couldn’t do anything the way a proper Warren would [what is a “proper Warren?”].As she stared at the knife, sShe realized that she couldn’t even kill herself properly. She wondered how a Warren would do that. [She wonders how a Warren would kill themselves? Is that something a Warren would do entirely?]Startled by an unexpected shout from hHer sister Maria shouted,and Lizzy dropped the knife [Original version is very convoluted]. She reached out to catch it but the blade sliced her palm. “Darnit!” Lizzy pulled her bleeding hand to her chest. “What are you doing home?”
“What the…” Maria ran to the sink, grabbed a paper towel and rushed back to Lizzy. She applied pressure to Lizzy’s hand then brushed Lizzy’s red hair [Whose perspective is this?] out of her face. “What the hell do you think you’re trying to do? Kill yourself?”
The cut hurt, especially with Maria holding it so tightly. Lizzy gasped but it came out rather like a giggle.
“This isn’t funny.,” Maria said. “You could have killed yourself.”
“I couldn’t do it.”
“That’s not what it looked like to me.”
Lizzy groanedthe misunderstood groan of all youth,and raised her eyesandsweetlysaid,. “You saved me.”
“Jesus, Lizzy, I can’t watch over you anymore.”
Maria, still applying pressure, helped Lizzy get up. [Helped her get up from what?] Lizzy staggered, a bit woozy from lack of sleep, or perhaps it was from the blood. It was so bright, so red.
Thanks again to SonjaMcG!
Art: Bogedón by Lucas Velázquez
Ken Hughes says
Good points. One tweak I’d suggest:
Instead of holding the blade against “her left hand” it should be against “her wrist.” That gives a much clearer image of suicide, and “left” and “right” are words that are often better left out so the reader can picture them their own way.
reader says
If Lizzy is short for Elizabeth, I’d consider changing her surname…
Renae Darlene Wilber says
I agree with a prior comment about the knife being on the wrist and not the hand to signify suicide, although the hand to me indicated she didn’t really want to kill herself, she was just desperately considering it. So the suicide “gesture” of the knife on the hand is very realistic of one who is not certain, if that’s where you meant to go with it. The narrative worked for me. I especially liked the part where you wrote: “Tired of not being good enough.” I don’t think you need to specify good enough “at what” because anyone who knows that overall feeling of not being good enough will understand without need for interpretation…most of us have been there. Sometimes, as you so eloquently have, we must respect that the reader is intelligent and doesn’t need every scenario spelled out for them in order to visualize the situation. I applaud your work and detail. It spoke to me.