Be specific about who is doing what and why (query critique)

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Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to angieb, whose query is below.

Per your website I see that you are seeking books in the Fantasy Fiction genre at present, so I am pleased to introduce my work, Immortal Wounds, complete at 93,000 words.

When Isobel witnesses her mother and husband’s murder by a pair of vampires and hears one claiming to be her father, she uses a portal to travel to 1697 Scotland, to seek answers about her parentage. The portal, however, drops her off 100 years early, where she encounters three siblings, all residents of Elden’s Castle. The youngest, Meg, is full of magic and Isobel learns she has been feeding a vampire; the one who killed her family.

Meg’s magic allows him to see his mortal family that he mourns, while his venom gives her brief immortal strength. The bite marks, the immortal wounds that scar her wrist, are identical to ones Isobel’s mother had. Calling forth the portal again, Isobel takes Meg and they go to see Mariam who confirms that Isobel’s father is a vampire. She produces a diary that was written by the siblings mother. Inside it tells of their family legacy, the magical bloodline, and the prophecy from two hundred years ago that has shaped their futures.

After poisoning the vampire and believing him dead, Isobel decides to return home. Meg reads through her mother’s diary and tells Isobel that the vampire they killed, the one who claimed to be Isobel’s father and who was fed from Meg, is also Meg’s true father. Isobel calls forth the gateway one last time. During her travel home she realizes that her fate, dictated by the prophecy, took her where she was needed first; to learn about her family legacy and prepare future descendants for what is to come.

With a clear demand for books within this genre, I believe that it will appeal to a wide range of readers who enjoy stories in the fantasy realm.

I live in Fort Worth, Texas and writing fiction for adults has always been my dream. I have attended many writing conferences, joined several writing groups, participated in writing contests and have previously published 5 children’s picture books. Immortal Wounds is my first work of adult fiction and is the first book in a planned trilogy.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

I struggled to make heads or tails of this query coming and going. While I was largely able to unpack what’s happening here, it took quite a lot of extra work because context feels missing, sentences are written in a vague and convoluted way, the pronoun usage is sloppy, and I rarely understood what was motivating the characters.

Above all: It’s not really clear who is doing what and why.

This is a crucial element of writing a query letter. We need to understand why characters are doing what they’re doing, particularly the protagonist. When characters take action, make it clear who is doing what rather than really convoluted backflips like “witnesses her mother and husband’s murder by a pair of vampires.”

Once it’s clearer who’s doing what and why, try to weave in more voice and personality to give us more of a sense of what Isobel’s like. There are quite a few flat and vague phrases that feel like missed opportunity to weave in more specificity and individuality.

Lastly, like so many other queries I’ve critiqued, the last line of the plot description is extremely convoluted and confusing. It’s so important to synthesize what the protagonist has to do as they move toward the climax and what’s at stake. In this case, I worry this novel ends in a cliffhanger, which is very problematic for the first installment in a series if you’re seeking traditional publication.

Here’s my redline:

Per your website I see that you are seeking books in the Fantasy Fiction genre at present fantasy novels, so I am pleased to introduce my work, Immortal Wounds [Capitalize (preferred) or italicize book titles], complete at 93,000 words. [This may just be a placeholder, but personalization should be more specific than this]

When [CONTEXTUALIZE WHO ISOBEL IS OR WHAT SHE’S LIKE] Isobel witnesses her mother and husband’s murder by a pair of vampires a pair of vampires murdering her parents and husband [The original phrasing felt convoluted, but even the smoothed out sentence doesn’t feel very specific and tangible. Try to weave in more voice here] and hears one claiming claims to be her father, s She uses a portal to travel to 1697 Scotland [This feels pretty abrupt. Where did this portal come from?], to seek answers about her parentage. The portal, however, drops her off 100 years early, where she encounters three siblings, all residents of in Elden’s Castle. The youngest, Meg, is full of magic [Be more specific] and Isobel learns she has been feeding a vampire;: the one who killed her family.

Meg’s magic allows him to see his mortal family that he mourns [I’m struggling to understand what this is referring to], while his venom gives her Isobel [Is this “her” referring to Isobel?] brief immortal strength [Why is Meg doing this? To what end?]. The bite marks [Which bite marks?], the immortal wounds that scar her wrist, are identical to ones Isobel’s mother had. Calling forth Isobel calls forth the portal again, Isobel and takes Meg and they go to see Mariam, [CONTEXT FOR WHO MARIAM IS], who confirms that Isobel’s father is a vampire. She produces a diary that was written by the siblings mother. Inside it tells of their Isobel’s family legacy, their magical bloodline, and the a prophecy from two hundred years ago that has shaped their futures [Extremely vague. What prophecy? Don’t worry about spoilers in a query letter, help the reader understand the plot with specificity].

After poisoning Isobel finds and poisons the vampire [Abrupt and confusing] and, believing him dead, Isobel decides to returns home. Meg reads through her mother’s the diary and tells Isobel that the vampire they killed, the one who claimed to be Isobel’s father and who was fed from Meg [Really redundant], is also Meg’s true father. Isobel calls forth the gateway one last time. During her travel home she realizes that her fate, dictated by the prophecy, took her where she was needed first; to learn about her family legacy and prepare future descendants for what is to come. [Very convoluted and vague. I don’t understand where the novel goes from here or what Isobel has to do and what’s at stake]

With a clear demand for books within this genre, I believe that it will appeal to a wide range of readers who enjoy stories in the fantasy realm. [Let the agent be the judge of that]

I live in Fort Worth, Texas and writing fiction for adults has always been my dream. I have attended many writing conferences, joined several writing groups, participated in writing contests and have previously published 5 children’s picture books. Immortal Wounds is my first work of adult fiction and is the first book in a planned trilogy potential series. [It’s important to convey more flexibility than this when it comes to series]

Thank you very much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks again to angieb!

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Art: Ansicht einer Wasserburg by Adolph Wegelin