Sharpen your protagonist’s goals in a query (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Hermina, whose query is below.

Dear Agent,

Complete at 120,000 words, my High Fantasy, SON OF PROPHECY, offers a fresh take on the chosen one trope. Its psychological twists and bisexual protagonist make it a good match for what you seek to represent.

ATHREL, Ka’el’s young king, hopes his reforms, his prayers — saints burned, even his freakish soul-reading! — will reignite his countrymen’s war-weary faith.

Winning the noblemen’s trust, convincing the Faith’s high priest, KALUNET, that he’s not a crazed zealot are the least of his problems when a band of hell-sworn Nethmals destroy a Ka’elian border town. Peace treaty dissolved, Athrel must abandon his God-vowed priorities.

He kills the lone enemy warrior lingering in the town’s ruins, and unknowingly gives a charismatic Nethmal access to his dreams. The Nethmal, seeking an alliance, commandeers Athrel’s thoughts, his speech, and even reorders his memories.

Friends question Athrel’s sanity. Kalunet challenges his sanctity. God, whose covenant Athrel carries in his blood, is strangely silent.

Athrel knows the Great Anointing, just two days away will reclaim him for the Faith, if his prayers can keep the Hell-sworn voices at bay, if he can refuse their seduction.

If he can trust the visitation of his sainted-mother dressed in Nethmal armor, and embrace a
suspect prophecy secretly cherished by the radical members of his religious order.

Torn between remaining true to his crown and covenant or professing a Nethmal’s creed, Athrel must decide if the cost of prophecy and his own healing are worth the price of his soul.

I draw on my fifteen years as a Secular Carmelite to shape Athrel’s spirituality and his dark night experience. With emotionally charged conflicts and religious-themed intrigue, it will appeal to readers of Mark Lawrence’s ‘The Book of the Ancestor’ series.

The opening of SON OF PROPHECY received Editor’s Choice recognition from (reviewer at well-know publishing agency) at (online critique group) and has placed in the top three contest submissions in (International unpublished writers contest).

Thank you for your consideration.

Quite a few query problems can be solved if you just read your query out loud. Even better if you try reading it to someone who’s unfamiliar with the world of your novel. Does it make sense to them? Do they seem engaged or are they confused?

This query letter is pretty disjointed and unfocused coming and going. Smushing the word count into the personalization doesn’t create the best first impression, I struggled to make sense of the opening two lines of the plot description, and the formatting makes the query feel much longer and more drawn out than it really is. It makes it difficult to get into a flow.

But even more importantly than that, I really struggled to understand what Athrel is trying to do and what’s at stake in this novel.

Plot descriptions can basically be boiled down to this: What is the protagonist trying to do, why are they trying to do it, and what happens if they succeed or fail?

Okay, Athrel does some weird prayers and he needs to convince people he’s not crazy, but why? What is his ultimate goal? What’s at stake if he succeeds or fails? What are these reforms? What are the Nethmals ultimately after? Who is doing what and why?

Gut check your query against the query letter template. If one of these elements are missing (in this case the protagonist’s goal and quest), you’re probably going to end up with a confusing query.

Here’s my redline:

Dear Agent,

Complete at 120,000 words [Is this the best first impression?], mMy High Fantasy, SON OF PROPHECY, offers a fresh take on the chosen one trope. Its psychological twists and bisexual protagonist make it a good match for what you seek to represent. [This may just be a placeholder, but personalization needs to be more specific]

ATHREL Athrel [It’s not a convention to capitalize character names in query letters], Ka’el’s [Who or what is Ka’el?] young king, hopes his reforms [what reforms?], his prayers — saints burned, even his freakish soul-reading! [I don’t understand what this insertion is referring to] — will reignite his countrymen’s war-weary faith. [Really confusing opening to the plot description. Pretend you’re unfamiliar with the world of the novel and read it out loud. Why does he want to reignite their faith? To what end?] Winning the noblemen’s trust [Who or what is this and why is it important?], convincing the Faith’s high priest, KALUNET Kalunet, that he’s not a crazed zealot [Why is this important?] are the least of his problems when a band of hell-sworn Nethmals destroy a Ka’elian border town. [Really confusing. Read the original version out loud.] Peace treaty dissolved, Athrel must abandon his God-vowed priorities. [I don’t understand what this is referring to]

He kills the lone enemy warrior lingering in the town’s ruins, and unknowingly gives a charismatic Nethmal access to his dreams. The Nethmal, seeking an alliance [Seeking an alliance with what? To what end?], commandeers Athrel’s thoughts, his speech, and even reorders his memories.

Friends question Athrel’s sanity. Kalunet challenges his sanctity. God, whose covenant Athrel carries in his blood, is strangely silent. Athrel knows the Great Anointing, just two days away, will reclaim him for the Faith, if his prayers can keep refuse the seduction of the Hell-sworn voices at bay, if he can refuse their seduction. [Read this sentence out loud. What is the Great Anointing? What does it mean to “reclaim him for the faith?”] If he can trust the visitation of his sainted-mother dressed in Nethmal armor, and embrace a suspect prophecy secretly cherished by the radical members of his religious order. [It feels like there are words missing here? I also don’t understand what this suspect prophecy is?] Torn between remaining true to his crown and covenant or professing a Nethmal’s creed, Athrel must decide if the cost of prophecy and his own healing are worth the price of his soul. [Confusingly written and I’m still not really understanding the plot. What is Athrel ultimately trying to do? What happens if he succeeds or fails?]

SON OF PROPHECY is complete at 120,000 words and will appeal to readers of Mark Lawrence’s ‘The Book of the Ancestor’ THE BOOK OF THE ANCESTOR series. I draw drew on my fifteen years as a Secular Carmelite to shape Athrel’s spirituality and his dark night experience. With emotionally charged conflicts and religious-themed intrigue, it will appeal to readers of Mark Lawrence’s ‘The Book of the Ancestor’ series.

The opening of SON OF PROPHECY received Editor’s Choice recognition from (reviewer at well-know publishing agency) at (online critique group) and has placed in the top three contest submissions in (International unpublished writers contest). [This doesn’t rise to the level of what I’d include as a publishing credit.]

Thank you for your consideration.

Thanks again to Hermina!

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Art: Vanitas by Anonymous