If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in our discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Vinayak, whose page is below.
Name: [Undecided]
Genre: Fantasy, AdventureTripping again was the last thing she wanted. Another moss covered tree root failed her. In a forest of such proportions, Lassa struggled to find a suitable footing. Losing track on the way was frustrating, and now that she reached the cohort, her cohort, it was disconcerting to find them in such disarray.
“Listen here!” She shouted, and the ones close by turned, surprised at her arrival.
She ignored the swear words she heard. She didn’t choose to be here anyways. That was all Ardhyne’s fault. If they had to blame someone, it was him.
“Reten is calling.” The voices echoed, until there was a discrete scream in the distance.
“What-” Lassa traced the shouts following the scream, to the banks of the slow stream tracking through the forest. “-happened? Denner?”
One of the laziest of the cohort, perhaps excluding Lassa herself, was Denner. She walked towards him, as the whimpering continued.
“The stream is corrosive.” She said, her matter-of-fact tone bringing a few more scowls than usual.
Denner screamed again. His legs were not anywhere near suitable for walking. It seemed to have melted the skin off, and his toes were smoking. There was a good deal of exposed bone, and much of the tissue seemed gangrenous.“You could have told us this before you went off.” Kerin, the only other female in her cohort, frowned at her. It was normal, by the usual proportions. She never got any of the respect a Reten deserved, anyways.
The majority of weak writing can be chalked up to not giving the reader enough information. The writer is visualizing something in their head and they’re just not translating it onto the page. When they read it back, they project things that aren’t there and aren’t able to put themselves in the shoes of someone who isn’t familiar with the world.
Coming and going, this is an extremely vague page that doesn’t really tell us very much, let alone start engaging us with a story. It seems like the most convoluted way imaginable to tell us that someone named Denner hurt their legs in a corrosive stream for unclear reasons.
Where are we, besides a forest? Who are these characters? What are they trying to do? What is a cohort, a Reten, and who or what is Ardhyne?
There’s inadequate physical description to help us visualize the surroundings, we’re missing the protagonist’s mindset/motivation/plan/stakes, there’s insufficient context to help us understand unfamiliar concepts, and sentences are written in a needlessly loopy fashion.
It’s really tricky to start a novel, and it’s shockingly easy to lose sight of what is and isn’t on the page. Developing the ability to empathize with someone who isn’t familiar with the world of your novel is a crucial arrow in the quiver.
Here’s my redline:
Name: [Undecided]
Genre: Fantasy, Adventure
Tripping again was the last thing she wanted.[Not the best first impression to start with a vague cliché. Why are we not even “allowed” to know the character’s name?]AnotherLassa tripped again over a moss–covered tree rootfailed her. In a forestof such proportions[INSERT DESCRIPTION OF FOREST SO THE READER KNOWS WHAT TO VISUALIZE], Lassa struggled to find a suitable footing [I don’t understand what the size of the forest has to do with whether you can find footing or not].Losing track on the way was frustrating, and now that sShe reachedtheher cohort, her cohort, and it was disconcerting to find them in such disarray. [Show the disarray. Help the reader visualize who or what this is]“Listen here!”
Sshe shouted, and the ones [Extremely vague] close by turned, surprised at her arrival. [Show their surprise]She ignored the swear words she heard. [I don’t understand, who is swearing?] She didn’t choose to be here anyways. That was all Ardhyne’s fault. If they had to blame someone, it was him. [Extremely vague context. This doesn’t really help us understand anything? Where is “here?” Who is Ardhyne? Blame about what? Why aren’t we “allowed” to know anything?]
“Reten is calling.” The voices echoed, [What voices echoed?].
until tThere was a discrete scream in the distance.“What
–happened, Denner?” Lassa asked.¶
Lassa traced the sShouts following the scream, and Lassa traced them to the banks of the slow stream tracking through the forest.“-happened? Denner?”[Nothing is gained by breaking up the dialogue like this]Denner was
Oone of the laziest of the cohort, perhaps excluding Lassa herself, was Denner. She walked towards him, as the whimpering continued. [As what whimpering continued? I don’t understand]“The stream is corrosive
.,”Sshe said, hHer matter-of-fact tonebringingbrought a few more scowls than usual. [Be more specific about who’s scowling]Denner screamed again. [I don’t understand, when did Denner scream the first time?] His legs were not anywhere near suitable for walking. It [What is “it?” The stream?]
seemed to haveThe stream melted the skin off, and his toes were smoking. There was a good deal of exposed bone, and much of the tissue seemed gangrenous. [Why would it be gangrenous? Doesn’t that take time to set in?]“You could have told us this before you went off.” Kerin, the only other female in her cohort, frowned at her. [I don’t understand what this dialogue is referring to]
It was normal, by the usual proportions. [I don’t understand. What is normal?] She never got any of the respect a Reten deserved, anyways. [Still don’t understand who or what a Reten is]
Thanks again to Vinayak!
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Art: Andreas Achenbach – Landschaft
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