Don’t just tell an agent what’s in your novel (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Josh Kelley, whose query is below.

Dear [xxxx],

I am sending you this query because [xxxx]

“When a college freshman falls in love with a classmate who was sexually abused, their secrets threaten to destroy everything that means anything to them.”

Eighteen-year-old Dave Carmichael is a golden boy who aspires to pastor the biggest church in his denomination but has a habit of stealing porn. Leah Kline has her mother’s compassion and her father’s self-righteousness, but longs to escape from their abusively fundamentalist home. When they meet at a southern Californian Bible college in 1982, their secrets threaten to derail all their dreams.

SINS OF THE FATHERS is a contemporary novel that tells the story of Dave and Leah, through their own POV’s, as they struggle against everything from Leah’s sexual abuse to Dave having possibly knocked up his dad’s girlfriend. It is Tara Westover’s memoir EDUCATED meets Nancy Pearl’s GEORGE & LIZZIE, with hints of Rainbow Rowell’s FANGIRL. There’s a touch of neurodiversity via Dave’s undiagnosed dyslexia (based on my own experiences) and Leah’s sister with Down syndrome. SINS OF THE FATHERS is complete at 107,000 words.

Like Jojo Moyes’ ME BEFORE YOU (in the series of the same name), SINS OF THE FATHERS is a standalone novel, but also the first in a planned trilogy following Dave and Leah through falling in love, marriage, infertility, infidelity, desertion, and falling in love again after twenty-five years.

I’m a former pastor turned bartender turned full-time ghostwriter. I have one traditionally published book (RADICALLY NORMAL, Harvest House 2014) that saw modest sales and translation into German. Since then, I’ve ghostwritten nine more books and have two in process. I live in northwest Washington with my wife and two daughters.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Josh Kelley

If you’re pitching a novel, the plot description is by far the most important element of a query letter. It’s crucial to give the agent a sense of your story and what makes your novel unique. The plot description needs to pop.

Here instead we have a flat and vague log line to start the query, a couple sentences about the premise that don’t have much voice, and… that’s kind of it. We don’t know what these characters really want or what journey the book takes us on. More elements of the plot are smushed into the “nuts and bolts” section, but it still doesn’t give us enough.

The plot description is your chance to make an agent excited about your book. If you don’t show them what’s in your novel, how are you going to pique their interest?

Flesh out the plot description to two to three paragraphs. Make sure the plot details are specific and that it reflects the voice of the novel.

Here’s my redline.

Dear [xxxx],

I am sending you this query because [xxxx]

“When a college freshman falls in love with a classmate who was sexually abused, their secrets threaten to destroy everything that means anything to them.” [We don’t need a logline to start a query, and it’s confusing that this in quotes. If you’re going to include it, be way more specific. What secrets? Destroy what specifically?]

Eighteen-year-old Dave Carmichael is a golden boy who aspires to pastor the biggest church in his denomination, but has a habit of stealing porn. Leah Kline has her mother’s compassion and her father’s self-righteousness, but longs to escape from their abusively fundamentalist home. When they meet at a southern Californian Bible college in 1982, their secrets [What secrets? Be more specific] threaten to derail all their dreams. [What dreams?]

[FLESH OUT THE PLOT DESCRIPTION]

SINS OF THE FATHERS is a 107,000 word contemporary novel that tells the story of Dave and Leah, through their own POV’s [most agents don’t care about having the POV in the query], as they struggle against everything from Leah’s sexual abuse to Dave having possibly knocked up his dad’s girlfriend [Weave this into the plot description if they’re important]. It is Tara Westover’s memoir EDUCATED meets Nancy Pearl’s GEORGE & LIZZIE, with hints of Rainbow Rowell’s FANGIRL [These comps are confusing to me. Yes, EDUCATED is a memoir and FANGIRL is young adult. Make your comps genre-appropriate]. There’s a touch of neurodiversity via Dave’s undiagnosed dyslexia (based on my own experiences) and Leah’s sister with Down syndrome. SINS OF THE FATHERS is complete at 107,000 words. Like Jojo Moyes’ ME BEFORE YOU (in the series of the same name), SINS OF THE FATHERS is a standalone novel, but also the first in a planned potential trilogy following Dave and Leah through falling in love, marriage, infertility, infidelity, desertion, and falling in love again after twenty-five years. [It’s important to convey flexibility with series]

I’m a former pastor turned bartender turned full-time ghostwriter. I have one traditionally published book (RADICALLY NORMAL, Harvest House 2014) that saw modest sales and translation into German. Since then, I’ve ghostwritten nine more books and have two in process. I live in northwest Washington with my wife and two daughters.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Josh Kelley

Thanks again to Josh Kelley!

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Art: Sunset in California by Albert Bierstadt